The trick is to keep breathing - vespero (2024)

Chapter 1: Monday you can fall apart

Chapter Text

It happened just before lunch.

Clarke was ready to go to the cafeteria: she had her books under her arm, her summer dress short above her knee flew around her, while she was walking down the corridor.

One more hour, then she had cheerleading practice. It was Monday, the week had just started and she couldn’t wait to see the end of it. She had plans that weekend, big plans: her boyfriend of five months, Finn - alias the quarterback of the football team, alias the most wanted guy in school - had a party planned at his place and everybody that counted was going to be there. It was going to be the first party of the last year of high-school. Unforgettable.

Nothing could go wrong.

Nothing.

Except, something was happening.

At first she didn’t notice the stares. Then they became insistent, then she caught some of them avoiding her eyes as soon as she caught them.

Was it her dress? Was her makeup smudged? She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror of one of the lockers along the corridor: her blonde hair fell in perfect waves on her shoulders and her cerulean dress made her blue eyes sparkle. She didn’t like it that much to be honest, but she felt compelled to be provocative in a way and jeans and t-shirt were simply not enough. And she looked good in dresses, nobody could say otherwise.

A group of three girls whispered something while she was passing near them. They were staring at her, but looked away as soon as saw her inquisitive eyes on them. Well, maybe she got it all wrong, maybe they weren’t talking about her and she was just too tired and overly sensitive.

She looked down to her hands. No traces of paint, not even the light shadow of black under her nails. Good, that soap was literally a lifesaver.

Then, again, other eyes and other whispers followed her until she was in front of the cafeteria. Then, everything stopped.

What the hell…

She opened the doors, already searching for the familiar faces of her group: Finn and the boys, or – even better – Octavia and Raven. Maybe her best friends were already up to date to the new school gossip and could explain what the hell was happening with all that whispering.

And she saw it. She saw them.

Trays all over the floor, food everywhere around them and a small crowd gathered in circle as if it was an arena.

“Take her away from me”, Finn was screaming. An eye already bruising and the vein of his neck pulsing. His big hands curled up in fists, up and ready to defend himself.

In front of him, a girl. Tall, black skinny jeans and black top, the hair in complicated braids. Her knuckles red. She was heavily breathing, her eyes lit up in anger.

She ran without even realizing it. In a split second she was between them, shoulders to the girl, hands on Finn’s face to inspect the damage. He uncharacteristically took a step back, taking her hands in his and away from his swelling eye, drops of blood already falling down on his white shirt.

She looked at him slightly dumbfounded but he didn’t meet her eyes. She felt more than heard the girl approaching again: a hand on her shoulder, trying to pull her away from Finn.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”, she turned around, full of anger, but was met with a stoic jet uninterested stare

“Move, Clarke”. The girl, Lexa from her English lit class, addressed her with her name for the first time ever. She felt silly thinking about such a useless detail, just as seconds before her boyfriend was punched by said girl.

Sadly for goth-lady, she messed with the wrong person.

“What the f*ck is your problem weirdo!?”, instead of moving, Clarke made a step in Lexa’s direction and gave her a push, hands on both her shoulders.

The small crowd emitted a small ohh. Now Finn was backed by the other guys from his team. He had one hand on his face, trying to see if his eyebrow needed stitches. Some more blood stained his palm and she heard a damn coming from his lips.

Then she saw her. A wave of curly hair through the crowd, behind Lexa. Clarke didn’t notice her at the beginning, while she was trying to make space between bodies and screams. In a second she walked past Lexa and looked at her for a moment, disinterest written all over her beautiful face.

Hazel eyes and brown silky hair passed her in a moment and she has behind her. Her hands were now on Finn’s face. On Finn’s face. And he didn’t pull back this time.

He let her cradle his face, fuss around him with worried eyes, whispering something to him.

Her hands were on Finn’s face.

“Costia?” she heard Lexa call her. It was a lament more than a call. Astonishment and hurt written all over her face, her green eyes searching past Clarke, as if she were invisible.

“What did you do Lexa!?” the other girl, Costia, hissed. Costia pushed her away with one hand to see directly at Lexa. The other securely entangled with Finn’s.

“Costia…I heard what happened in that class, you got detention because he tried to kiss you…” Lexa’s voice came out strangled. Like a pray.

She hopes it’s a misunderstanding. She’s a damn fool. Clarke looked at the scene before her, while all her senses were on Costia’s and Finn’s joined hands.

“I didn’t try anything! We were making out and a professor walked in on us, you blind dumbass”, Finn’s voice was filled with contempt, his eye swollen now. A spiteful laugh came out of him: “You really thought a girl like her could stay with someone like you for long?”

Lexa’s face was a mask, now. No expression, only green eyes searching for hers. “Costia?”, she repeated the name.

“It’s true Lexa. I’ve been with him for the last two weeks. We got detention today ‘cause a teacher saw us and we were supposed to be in class”. Costia didn’t even lower her eyes, just stared at Lexa with an expression of anger. She was angry because she punched the guy she was making out with behind her back.

And that guy happened to be Clarke’s boyfriend.

“What the hell does it mean Finn?”, her voice came out as a whisper. Nobody was paying attention to her, as if she was really invisible. Not a part of what was happening. She turned around staring at him and he at least had the good grace to look embarrassed.

“Princess…” he tried but immediately stopped, looking at his feet.

She was not going to cry. This asshole.

“What Finn? What? Would you please try to explain why this bitch here thinks she’s somehow in any relationship at all with you?”

“Because I am!” Costia screamed at her. She had the guts to f*cking scream at her. She was still between her and Finn. Clarke didn’t know what did it: it probably was her stare, full of mischief and a hint of mockery.

She raised her hand, open palm ready to hit.

“Stop”, a hand around her wrist stopped her swing. She tried to free herself but Lexa’s iron grip didn’t let go until her hand was down and she felt her imposing presence behind her.

“Let go of me! Maybe you don’t care that you’re cheated on but I do!”, she was screaming now, her voice higher than the incessant whispers and shouts from the small crowd, glowing with obnoxious joy in witnessing first hand what was going to be the talk of the school for days.

Her cheeks were in flames. She wiggled out of Lexa’s grip with a force she didn’t know she had and was ready to turn her rage in her direction, when a voice came from the crowd.

“Clarke…” She stared at Octavia’s face. “Clarke let’s go, teachers are coming”. She offered her a hand and Clarke took it. Not before a last look at the scene.

Finn and the girl, Costia. Their hands still entwined, her eyes open, looking at her still full of astonishment more than fear of the slap that never came. In front of them, Lexa. While Finn still had his eyes on the ground, never once looking at her, Lexa’s where fixed on Costia. A mix of hurt, pain and still a hint of disbelief. Like maybe it was all a big fat joke and she didn’t just discover that her girlfriend had been cheating on her with the jock of the school.

Octavia led her away from the crowd, outside of the cafeteria and in the nearest bathroom. And Clarke forgot how to breathe.

No, it’s not happening. She repeated herself.

“Clarke…Clarke. Listen to me – It was like Octavia’s voice came from another planet – Clarke, breathe. Finn’s an asshole, I can’t believe he was cheating on you, and with that nerd of all people…” Words, more words, and none of them made sense in her ears.

Then, other voices from outside coming in their direction.

“…and that other girl Lexa, you should have seen her when she punched Finn”

Clarke and Octavia turned to the door, in time to see it be opened by two girls, giggling.

“Well at least she reacted! How could Clarke not see it coming…I don’t think Costia’s the first he cheats on her with-” they both stopped speaking as soon as saw them.

“Uh…sorry”, the first had the decency to look embarrassed, the second one continued laughing before closing the door again.

She was not going to cry.

Hands on the sink, deep breath. Clarke looked at the white porcelain and all of a sudden everything made sense. From Finn’s unusual lack of appetite at lunch and consequent early extra practices, to the jokes of his teammates on his need to exercise with more than one tool.

She ignored Octavia’s rants on how guys were all traitorous douchebags and looked at herself in the mirror.

Red eyes, messy hair and flush cheeks. Makeup a bit smudged. Then she saw Finn’s eyes again: guilty as f*ck but without remorse. He didn’t even look at her, he said nothing, not even a trite excuse, just that pathetic attempt of calling her, only to be stopped by that other bitch. Costia silenced him and he didn’t even feel the need to explain himself to her. As if they were nothing, as she were nothing.

And she cried.

°°°

Lexa seated diligently in the waiting room outside the principal’s office. She sat with her two feet perfectly allinged, shoulders down, both hands on her thighs. The knuckles of her right hand red and scraped. She tried to close her hand into a fist and it hurt like hell.

Gustus is going to be mad.

It surprised her how easy it was to think about such a normal thing. Compartmentalizing was really her forte. Thinking of her next training, of next month’s match as if she wasn’t seated in front of Mr Jenckins office, waiting for her punishment. As if she wasn’t seated there because she had punched a guy for the first time in her life outside the ring. As if she hadn’t punched him because she thought he laid his dirty hands on Costia.

As if Costia was still her girlfriend.

Is it how it happens? Is this how people are supposed to leave one another?

She found herself thinking of a possible conversation with Costia. “Oh, so you cheated on me, with him” – “Yes, do you really want to know why?”. She saw Costia smiling sweetly at her, like she always did when Lexa pointed out the obvious.

She closed her hands again in a fist, unfazed by the pain. Costia cheated on her, with a damn quarterback. With a damn quarterback with a blonde cheerleader as a girlfriend.

She thought of Clarke for a moment: she knew her name, as did everybody in their school. They had been in the same class for four years now, but no interaction whatsoever. There was no reason to, they were like to parallel lines with no purpose of interaction.

Until now.

She remembered the way Clarke looked at Costia’s and Finn’s entwined hands and the anger in her blue eyes. She had stopped her from slapping Costia. It was like a natural reflection, to defend her, always defend her.

But there was something else. One of us fools in detention is enough for the same cheating.

And her mind was back on Costia, to her smile, her soft hands playing with hers, their kisses. When did they stop to be real? What made her –

“Miss Woods”, the severe voice of the secretary called her back from her thoughts. She looked at her, as if she didn’t know what to do. And she actually didn’t: it was the first detention in her four years of high-school.

The old lady looked at her, expectantly. “Principal Jenkins is ready to see you”, and she pointed at the half opened glass door.

She stood, taking her time. Thanked the lady with a small nod and entered.

“Good morning miss Woods”. The man was browsing through a file and greeted her without even raising his eyes.

“Good morning”, she answered. She decided to stay on her feet, just behind a free chair. Hands crossed in front of her, eyes looking straight. No need to go around it or say sorry, it’s going to be detention for the foreseeable future, or worse.

“Alexandra Woods. Senior year. Top of your class, racing and book club as extra activities. – he read in a monotone tone - You help in the public children’s day care…what do you do with them?”, he looked at her for the first time, papers still spread in front of him.

She was taken aback by the question. “I help them with their homework. Sometimes I read them stories”. How the hell has this anything to do with the punch?, “Sir, I know what I did in the cafeteria is against school rules-”

“I well hope you are aware of that miss Woods. – he raised his voice a little - What I’m trying to understand is why a student like yourself ended up punching a guy like mr Collins in the cafeteria!”

“Principal-”

“Listen to me miss Woods. Do you want to go to college?”

She nodded.

“Where?” Mr Jenkins voice was like a bark.

“Columbia”. She looked at him trying to mask the challenge in her eyes. Look at your f*cking file and try to remind me that my only chance to be admitted is through perfect high school curriculum and a scholarship.

“Columbia”, he repeated, pensive. “Well miss Woods, I really wish you to succeed. I truly think that you deserve it, and I’m not even going to ask what Mr Collins did to deserve that punch. God knows that kid’s trouble. But you aren’t, miss Woods. You aren’t”, he looked at her, sticking out from his desk.

“You deserve to leave this place and forget guys like Finn Collins exist, but in order to do that you have forget everything that set you to this path”.

People like us have only one chance in life, Lex. She heard Anya’s voice in her head.

She looked at the principal and nodded once. Hands still fisted.

The principal looked distractedly to her red knuckles. “Put some ice on that hand. I’m going to give you detention: the rest of this week. I’m being understanding here because it’s your first offence, you have perfect grades and there’s already one professor outside ready to pledge on your behalf”.

She nodded again, waited another second to see if he wanted to add something, then turned to the door

“And miss Woods…”, she turned again, “Take this as your first and last notice”.

She left the room, closing slowly the door behind her and left. While she was walking outside the school building everything was muffled, she could only hear her own frantic breathing.

Fresh air. She needed fresh air. She took her phone: on the old iPhone4’s display she read the time. 3 p.m., no new messages. She opened the whatsapp app and saw the last text from last night.

Costia <3: You’re mine xoxox

It was like a thorn in her heart. That was the last text from her, as if everything was normal and their relationship wasn’t already f*cking over.

She saw “online” written under her name.

No other messages from her. Not even after she stared at her as Lexa was dragged to the principal’s office.

Then everything came back to her. The frantic run to the cafeteria after she overheard some girls in the bathroom talking about Collins being “caught touching that girl Costia”. Cause her Costia would never be willingly touched by Collins.

A bitter smile on her lips. How could she be so foolish. How could she be so damn blind?

Then the punch. The feel of relief at unleashing her anger against Collins’ stupid face.

She saw again the curious eyes of the principal scrutinizing her file. The file of someone with just one chance in life.

Indra. Her mum. The woman who adopted her, who gave her everything. Who gave her that one chance that could be jeopardized by one punch on the face of a dumb jock born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

One punch thrown for a girl. The girl she loved. Titus words in the orphanage, before Indra took her with her, sounded loud in her head. Love is weakness. And for one weakness she endangered everything she fought for for her entire young life.

But Costia’s eyes, her sweet voice when she said she loved her…and her void stare after she punched Finn.

She closed her eyes and felt all her childish thoughts fade away.

Chapter 2: Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart

Chapter Text

Clarke didn’t want to go to school. She didn’t want to meet their eyes, hear their whispered comments and catch them look at her when they thought she didn’t notice.

And most of all she didn’t want to see him. Finn, with her boyish smile and strong arms.

She turned between the sheets, unable to go back to sleep. It was almost 7, which meant her mother was going to enter soon.

Yesterday evening she ate something very fast and ran upstairs. Her mother didn’t even notice something was wrong, always with her mobile phone in hand waiting for a call from the hospital. Her father looked at her strangely but she put her best mask on, eating as fast as she could and focusing solely on her plate.

Well at least he wouldn’t be sorry. Her father never liked Finn: too invested in holding hands and keeping her daughter in the back of his car for as long as the curfew permitted.

It hurt. It hurt tto think about Finn, in a way that she didn’t even think possible. Her brain refused to focus on it: Finn cheated on her, he broke up with her in front of the whole school.

And there was nothing she could do to change it.

She took some extra time in the shower, hot water running down her face and closed eyes. It was like having a stone set in the center of her chest: some heavy force pressing on her sternum and blocking her breathing.

She tried to remember her last conversation with Finn but she couldn’t recall it. It was maybe something about his damn party. What she remembered were his last words: I love you princess.

Yeah, right.

She closed the stream of water. Was it that world – love, thrown so easily at her just to be proven to be a superficial lie – that hurt?

She didn’t lie to herself: she didn’t love him, it was too early for it. There was a reason if she never said it back. But the flame was there, she could feel it: in time she could have loved him.

But even without the grand feeling of love, that heaviness on her chest was there.

She rubbed her arms, neck, legs with too much force with the white fluffy towel. And she replayed it again for the millionth time in her head: his guilty eyes, Costia storming to him, their hands entwined.

It stung, it stung like hell. Because she was not nothing. They were something together for God’s sake and it was not some useless fling.

But in that moment se felt like nothing at all.

And she finally gave a name to it, that abstract concept that found home as a rock heavy on her chest. Betrayal. Of the things that they could have been together, of the loyalty she gave him, of the simple fact that if you say I love you to somebody you have to mean it.

She put her favorite dress on. Put extra care in make up. Her armor against a bunch of noisy kids, ready to look at her with either mockery, curiosity or – worst of all – pity.

Clarke turned off her car, parked in her favorite parking lot. She could do it: walk inside, not be bothered, ignore everything.

Except She could not do it.

Suddenly her dress was too bright, her make up too much.

Clarke dragged her feet as she walked inside. “They’re all looking at me”, it was a statement more than a question. Octavia touched her arm, to make her slow down

“No they’re not”, but Ocatavia’s eyes darted left and right, a silent dare to even look at them to everybody that crossed her stare.

“O, I’m not blind. Or deaf”, Clarke rolled her eyes and she had never been more grateful to finally see the disclosed door of her English lit class.

“I’ll see you later”, Octavia’s silent promise warmed her heart, appreciating how it was so easy with her, without the need of explanations.

Clarke entered the classroom, clinging to her bag. Only to see the shape of the only other person who was already there, calm at her seat. A book in hand, light tortoise glasses framing her face and hair in a messy bun.

Does she usually wear glasses?

She stopped and briefly thought of going back in the hallway, just to see that deep green eyes rising from the pages and staring at her. A hint of swell behind lenses.

Clarke waited, but Lexa’s eyes never lowered back to the book and took their time scrutinizing her outfit, her bare legs and her flower dress.

“What?”, it came out as an exasperated question, just as the bell rang and the other students began to come in.

Lexa’s eyes followed Clarke’s silhouette as she took her seat.

Great f*cking way to sparkle the entire school’s attention, blondie. As if they both needed it.

She went back to her book. Come to think of it, it was quite funny: her and cheerleader girl Clarke Griffin, embarked together in the cheated-boat and resigned to win the award for best gossip of their senior year. Well, funny if it wasn’t her romantic life the one torn into pieces.

Cass began, the whispering stopped. Lexa just intercepted some scrutinizing from the two girls seated in front of her and the lightning of some mobile phone’s screens just after she raised her hand to answer a question.

She rolled her eyes, seeing the stern look of Clarke. Suck it up princess, I’m in enough trouble as it is and I’m not going to lower my marks just to lay low.

Who knew so many people were aware of her and Costia’s relationship. They didn’t do anything to keep it a secret but they weren’t exactly Clarke-Finn gossip material. Still, now everybody seemed to know who she was and intended to put their right to be annoying on use.

Finally class ended, people left.

Next class, repeat the refrain.

Whispers, stares, some laughs. Well Lexa preferred them: it was easier to shut them off with a look. She even reproached one of them in the hallway, the loudest.

“Is there any problem?” Lexa said it with a calm and collected tone, with every intention to understand why her being cheated on was so f*cking funny.

Shame that in that exact moment everybody’s attention turned to Finn, walking with his backpack on his shoulder just behind her. He was heading to French class, just a few doors from where Lexa was.

She looked at her watch.

She did the exact same thing, just the week before. Costia was in that class.

“Welcome to the club”, a whisper, a wave of vanilla perfume behind her. Clarke walked away, as if she said nothing at all.

And how it hurt.

°°°

Correction, this hurt more.

A closed room. Professor Pike reading a newspaper, a clock on the wall tiringly ticking seconds, then minutes, than – thank God – hours. Twenty desks, only five occupied.

One by her, the furthest one from the teacher, just near the window.

One by John Murphy, school thug, who had his personal favorite spot next to the door, in order to be the first to leave.

One by a girl chewing as if it was the only thing that could make the time pass.

The last two, with seats slightly brought closer, by no other than Finn and Costia.

Nice.

She saw their backs, the tentative looks exchanged and it was enough to make her dream of breaking the window.

Then, finally, the last bell.

“Did you enjoy the free show Woods?”, Murphy’s mean voice came out of nowhere, loud enough to be heard by the couple.

“f*ck you Murphy”, she stood to leave and she saw Costia’s eyes silently follow her.

°°°

Days passed.

A big mural appeared on the wall of the gym just near the parking lot, a bit hidden by trees but easy to see: a big snake in Arkadia High School’s colors, with the football jacket on and a dark expression. Some people find a slightly resemblance in it but could not really place it and the mural it was covered by the janitors in a few hours. Not before it was photographed and put on social media.

Then nothing.

Clarke didn’t know what to expect. Some grand gesture maybe? After that sh*tstorm in the cafeteria, no more escalation.

And here she was, again in the same place, eating a sandwich as if nothing happened. Finn, seated just a few places far from her, his football jacket on his shoulders, laughing.

“Hey” Raven and Octavia sat down near her.

“You have to stop doing that Griff”, Octavia looked at her, then at the object of her scrutiny.

“Yeah Clarke…it’s becoming creepy” Raven pointed out.

“What- What?”, the words made her turn her attention to her friends.

“What’s the point Clarke? Come on…It’s not like you were serious!”, Raven tried to laugh

And that made her click. “What the hell is that supposed to mean Ray?”

Octavia looked between the two. “Ok not the best way to talk about this. Raven…stop” she tried

“What O? It’s not like she did something different a few months back and we all know Finn…It’s going to be alright in a few weeks. She’ll go back to that artsy girl Nylah from the gallery downtown or whatever guy she finds sufficiently intriguing and Finn’s going to come back to the group with his tail between his legs”, Raven looked between the two, feigning surprise “Oh c’mon…Do we really have to take this seriously? We fight, but in the end we’ll be at the same party Saturday night”

“Raven, look at my lips while I spell it: you-and-Finn-were-non-exclusive. I didn’t even know you two were seeing each other when he asked me out. Get the f*ck over it” Clarke was raising her voice. And with every decibel, the more people were looking at them.

f*ck, what did I do in the other life

“Clarke, lower your voice”, Octavia whispered. “No point in making a scene here. Raven, chill the f*ck out”.

Clarke took her seat again, grabbing the bottle of water and drinking nervously, “Fine, whatever”.

“All I’m trying to say” reasoned Raven “Is that you didn’t lose the love of your life”

“What do you mean by that?”, Clarke saw Finn looking in her direction. She saw him scrutinizing Raven and then turning back, only to grab his phone and start texting.

“All I’m saying is that Woods that punched lover-boy over there ended up pretty screwed. She and Costia were together for a year and I heard they were thinking of moving to NY together after graduation. Not easy to see your happy ending fade away with a football jacket on her shoulders” Raven dropped it as if it was nothing, chewing her apple.

Four pair of eyes looked at her in astonishment.

“What? I know people and they like to talk!”

“Ok so what? Is that a good reason to just eat up the fact that I was cheated on publicly?” her blood boiled again, at the mere thought of Finn’s guilty eyes. Do you trust me? That’s what he asked her, just a second after asking her to be her girlfriend.

“Look, Clarke. I get that you’re angry”, Octavia reasoned. “The thing is, is it worth it? You stare at him the whole time, I heard Bellamy say that Finn boasted in the lockers about you being so whipped…”

This time Clarke stood up. “It’s not that I’m angry, Octavia. And it’s not even that he was the love of my live, thank you for nothing Raven”, she grabbed her tray. “I feel f*cking betrayed, I feel like I’m not worthy of being told I’m not enough, instead of being publicly humiliated”, Clarke looked at them with stern eyes, blond hair falling on her shoulders as she pulled it back nervously. “And the fact that you think it was just a stupid fling, that I’m mad because I feel ashamed is kind of sh*tty, if you ask me”.

With that she turned on her heels and stormed in the direction of the door. Step by step, she could see how people were looking at her.

So much for not making a scene

Just a few steps more, then she was going to be out. Just a few steps-

Then she fell, loudly. And not just her. She hit another body and was now over it. She.

Costia looked at her wide-eyed. Her make up thicker than last time she saw her, and Clarke found herself looking from far to near at the brown eyeliner underlying her hazel eyes and her peach cheeks.

f*cking perfect

She tried to disentangle herself from the girl under her, who was apparently resigned to be hit, for real this time.

“f*ck”, Clarke stood up, not even bothering to look around and see her peers’ reaction. Of course of all the people supposed to walk in, she ran into Costia.

She saw Costia pick up her phone, probably the reason she was too distracted to avoid her storming out of the room. She locked the screen, but not fast enough.

In a flash of an eye Clarke made out Finn’s name on the text.

Too occupied in finding a way out of there and without even hearing Octavia’s voice calling her, Clarke didn’t notice green eyes following her exit.

°°°

Last day of the week, last day of detention.

Lexa carefully folded her books and sheets in her bag, without looking up. She grabbed the shoulder strap and put it on, leather jacket hanging on one arm.

That’s it.

She pretended not to see Finn taking Costia’s things and flash at her that stupidly white grin. Her stomach turned and she relived in her mind the moment her fist hit his eyebrow. And the sick thing was: he was not even the one to blame. Or, better said, not the only one. But it felt good.

Lexa thought of Clarke, her alter-ego in short dresses and pon-pons. She noticed her all week, following him with her eyes. Lexa wasn’t a socialite, but she heard things: was Clarke really that crazy? Getting naked into his car?

She walked out of detention room, looking straight ahead and not bothering to listen to Murphy. This time he was picking on a poor girl, who was trying to take back her book. Rolling her eyes, Lexa stopped.

“Give it back Murphy”, she spelled

“Or what, miss dark and broody? Are you going to drag me in your underground hole of solitude?”, he laughed, but stopped whens he saw Lexa grin back at him

“No, but you see Finn over there? I found out I quite like to hit things, especially if I’m having a sh*tty week”

The girl, Amanda, took her book back and put it in her bag, just to run out of the room.

“You’re welcome”, Lexa shouted behind her.

“Well done champion”, Murphy grinned, satisfied with himself nevertheless.

Thank God it’s over. Just, please, let this f*cking week be over

Finn and Costia walked out of the room, their hands touching. Only to stop abruptly, just outside the door.

“What-” Lexa heard Finn babbling. “Let’s go Finn”, Costia’s voice dragged him out of the trance he fell into and the couple started to move again.

I’m definitely not in the mood for all this

Lexa waited a few seconds before exiting the room. What made Finn stop must have been gone away now.

“Woods” Clarke called her, standing up from the wall she was leaning on.

Arms crossed, no other than Clarke Griffin - casual in a light black dress and some sneakers - was waiting and calling for her.

Lexa let herself look at her for a second, before turning to her locker’s direction. “Griffin”, she greeted as she passed her without stopping.

A roll of her eyes and Clarke was following her. “I need to talk to you”, the blonde followed her without losing a beat

Lexa thought she saw Costia turning back at them, but decided to ignore it, maybe she just imagined it. Clarke looked at her, following her line of sight and grinning.

It could definitely work

“Did you see that?”, Clarke pointed the couple out, a glint in her blue eyes

Lexa took a deep breath, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “What do you want Clarke?”

There was a curious inflection in the way she said her name. Clarke surprised herself thinking.

They both stopped at Lexa’s locker and she started opening it to put her books away.

“To talk, it won’t take long”, Clarke grumbled.

Lexa observed her: it was clear she didn’t want to be there, so why the hell was she? She fumbled about with the lock, without looking at Clarke. “I’m not sure what you think we have to talk about”

Clarke was loosing her nerve. Ok, maybe the whole idea sounded better in her mind and she didn’t exactly think it through, but hey, she saw the way that Costia girl glared at her, when she realized she was there to speak with Lexa. The only problem was, Lexa’s stare was the furthest from encouraging and slightly intimidating.

“So you punched my boyfriend”. Great way to go, Clarke

Lexa stopped what she was doing, just to raise her eyebrows.

Clarke took a big breath. “What I mean is, you’re angry with Costia and Finn for cheating”. Slightly better but still off topic

“I punched him because I was lead to think he tried to do anything inappropriate with my girlfriend”, she spelled it out

Clarke rolled her eyes. Ok fine, the hard way it was. “But you were mad after you found out the truth”

Lexa opened her locker to put her books inside and Clarke saw a set photograph taken in a photo booth. Two girls smiling, hugging and kissing.

Costia’s arms were cicling Lexa’s neck and Clarke never saw the broody girl smile that way.

Following Clarke’s stare, Lexa closed the locker abruptly. “I was not angry, Clarke. I was, pardon me, I am heartbroken because the girl I love cheated on me with a guy I didn’t even know she knew, let alone like”

Fierce green eyes were fixed on her face, daring Clarke to go on. “Do you want her back?”

“What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”, Lexa was getting really pissed. She grabbed her bag with more force.

“What I mean is, would you like to have a chance to have her back?”

Lexa rolled her eyes, just turning to leave. Just to be stopped by a soft hand on her forearm, grabbing it with force but not unkindly. She looked down at Clarke’s hand, to see the blonde let her go and put her hands up in a pacifying motion.

“Ok listen. I’m not pretending to know you or your feelings and I don’t care about Costia’s. The thing is, I can help you get her back”, Clarke saw a sparkle in Lexa. The first of the whole conversation. Well scored

The brunette looked around in the empty hallway, only to focus on Clarke again. “Ok, let’s pretend I’m listening”.

Clarke smiled. “Did you just see the way she looked at you when she saw us talking? I think we can help each other to get what we want”.

“Wait a minute, is it true then? You, in his car?”, Lexa sounded incredulous. Objectively speaking, Clarke could do better.

“What?! In what car?”, a perplexed expression was written on Clarke’s face. “You, naked in Finn’s car to win him back?” Lexa looked disgusted but curious nevertheless.

“What the f*ck Lexa? No! Eww!”, she slapped her arm. Who the hell put out that kind of creepy nonsense? A reason more to go on with the plan.

“I’m sorry! I heard it in gym class”, It was Lexa’s turn to be embarrassed. Embarassed and totally amazed by the fact that she never had a conversation this long – a conversation at all – with the blonde and they were now discussing her supposed nakedness in her cheating ex’s car.

“Ok back to the point”, Clarke closed her eyes. She didn’t, really didn’t want to be there.

Lexa took a big breath. “No no, I think we are way past the proper amount of awkwardness I can bear right now. It was kind of disturbing talking to you, let’s not do it again sometimes”. She put on some false grin and started walking again, only to be followed by the blonde in the courtjard.

“For God’s sake Woods just hear me out, it’s not easy for me either”, Clarke looked pointedly at her, blue eyes wide.

And Lexa stopped, put her bag down and put out her forefinger. “One minute”

Now or never Clarke. “Pretend to be my girlfriend”

And that was not something Lexa was expecting.

Chapter 3: Sunday always comes too late

Chapter Text

Costia <3: what did she want?

Lexa stared at the small red heart next to Costia's name. It looked so cheesy now and so out of place.

She fumbled through her list of calls, ignoring the number 3 near her ex girlfriend’s name, counting the missed calls. She briefly thought of trying to call her again instead of answering the text. Probably just to listen to the incessant and void ringing before the voicemail.

She opened the text thread.

Nothi-|

She deleted it, throwing her mobile phone on the bed.

It wasn't exactly nothing, was it? Clarke wanted… even thinking about it sounded a bit crazy. The cheerleader, alias Finn’s ex, alias her specular opposite in life, wanted her to be her fake girlfriend. Whatever would it mean.

Lexa thought back at how she was left in the middle of the jard, speechless and without the benefit of the last word. As if she was the propositioning one.

"It's completely insane, I hope you know that", Lexa didn’t know whether to laugh.

"Why is that?" Clarke dared her to say it: to acknowledge the non-written rules of high school which regulated the social ladder of relationships. Well f*ck that.

"Well for starters it you are not my type Griffin"

"Well shame that your ex is my ex's type then" she mocked her. Wrong move

A big breath. "It's a no, Griffin", plain and simple. No complications whatsoever, just trying to move on and start to fall out of love with Costia, difficult as it was.

Lexa saw Clarke nervously scratch some paint from the palm of her hand. Her fingers for once less then cured and without nail polish.

"It could work. You’ve seen her outside detention, you know it could. You don’t even have to really go back with her for God’s sake, just show her what she’s missing”, she stared at her with that spirited blue eyes. “Just think about it". And with that Clarke left her in the middle of the yard, walking fast to her car.

She just left her there.

Lexa didn’t know how the blonde did it: leave her speechless, as if she was the one suggesting the craziest thing on earth. Storm in, drop a massive bomb and then walk away like that.

Clarke’s white car left the parking lot, with a glimpse of blonde hair and an elbow outside the window.

Lexa grabbed her phone again, only to delete Costia's message.

°°°

Clarke sipped her gin-tonic made with cheap alcohol, courtesy of Bellamy.

She looked around with dark eyes, Finn was nowhere to be seen even if it was his house, and she mentally scolded herself for letting her friends ultimately drag her there.

Raven was right in the end: no matter what happened, they would have always end up at the same f*cking party.

She emptied the red paper glass and put it down on the nearest table.

Nobody dared to say anything when they saw her at the door. And it wasn’t even Finn the one that opened it, it was just some random guy from the football team, probably too wasted already to even take notice.

Octavia and Lincoln were glued together in the middle of the living room turned into dancefloor. Raven was sunk on the sofa, distractedly listening to Monty and Jasper deeply discussing the right amount of home-made rum for a perfect Moonshine.

“-…So I told them to go and look for more glasses, but nobody knew where Finn keeps them”, Jasper laughed loudly, “And that’s what happens when Finn doesn’t have you to hel-”. The boy was rudely silenced by a kick from Monty, that had the decency to look ashamedly at her.

Nice.

She turned at them. Frankly she wasn’t even listening to their drunk conversation, but hearing Finn’s name captured her attention.

“It’s ok Monty”, no need to put the shame on the only sensible guy at the whole party. “And cups are probably in the dependence near the pool, where we put the unused ones from last beach party”.

She stood up, her mood even darker.

They dragged her there with the same old trick: a dare. Octavia wanted to meet Lincoln, Raven never passed on a good party and oh Clarke…don’t you want to see their faces when they see you? Coming in as nothing happened, looking too good for everyone of them?

She couldn’t believe she fell for that. She thought back of the big canvas spread in her room and how it would have been nice to be there and just lose herself in shades of colors instead of bad alcohol.

Her feet hurt with her high heels and she walked outside to sit near the pool, a gentle night breeze to cool her off and make the fog of gin fade away.

She listened to the muffled sound of loud chatting and laughing coming from the beer-pong table and grabbed herself the only bottle of water in the ice bucket full of beers. Slowly sipping it, she thought of a blue and yellow snake on the gym’s wall and that perfect shade of green, ready to be used on canvas and still untouched in her bedroom.

°°°

23.04 - Costia: Where are you?

23.10 - Costia: Not feeling well. Need to talk to you

f*ck. Lexa looked at the words on the screen and started typing.

23.12 - Lexa: Where are you?

23.15 - Costia: Finn’s party

Lexa grabbed her worn leather jacket. Anya’s keys where next, the old Comet parked just outside.

Sorry big sis.

And she really was sorry, thinking back at how Anya reacted after she told her about Costia. Truth to be told, her sister could never stand her girlfriend but again, there were exactly three people Anya liked and one was the neighbours’ dog.

Still, she couldn’t ignore the text. What if something was happening? What if she was in some kind of trouble. Costia never drank, not even when she was with Lexa.

And then there was that small, hopeful voice in the back of her brain: she called her, not Finn.

The street where almost desert, but it looked as Finn’s party was the it-place to be, counting the cars parked on the sideway. She killed the engine behind one big red Suv she always saw in the school parking lot.

The door was open, loud music and cheering coming from the inside. The house was almost completely enlightened and stood out in the dark neighborhood. Collins certainly lived up to the expectations of the first senior year’s party.

She walked in, without even ringing and tryed to make space between bodies and plastic cups filled with strange beverages. Costia had to be there somewhere.

The crowd was incessantly moving, jumping, dancing to some high volume music and it was impossible to see anything in the dark. She made out the faces of some of her classmates: for a second she thought of asking them for Costia. Not a great idea, probably.

Lexa checked her phone again. No new messages.

She randomly went through rooms filled with kids. Finn's house was as big as she pictured it.

Barging through the crowd she finally saw a long line of people, leaning on the wall. Some of them where chatting, others just standing still and waiting for their turn to go to the bathroom.

“Hey, go back in line!”, a girl shouted at her. And then Lexa saw her: next in line, arms around her middle, eyes closed.

She ignored the screaming girl.

“Costia”, she came near her, shielding her from a guy that run down the corridor almost hitting them.

The girl opened her eyes. The door opened and two girls came out giggling.

“So what’s going to be lady? Inside or…”, the same girl pressed her.

“Fine”, Lexa answered abruptly, daring her to go on with her drunk harassing. She took Costia by the arm, dragging her inside the bathroom and shutting the door closed with a loud bang.

The lights inside were too bright, compared to the dark outside and Lexa saw Costia squeeze her eyes and lay on the sink. It was a mess around them: dark footprints and grass from the outside on the white marble and no toilet paper. The sink was almost full of cold water, bottles inside.

“Lex...what, what are you doing here?” Costia finally looked at her with blank eyes.

But Lexa was to intent on taking a neat paper handkerchief from her pocket and wet it with water to answer.

She put it on Costia’s neck and she gained a pleased moan.

“You texted me, remember?” Lexa looked into her eyes, still almost closed because of the offending light.

“Mm…I texed you this afternoon but you didn’t answer”

“Yeah well…after that. You told me you were not feeling well”. Lexa put two fingers on her chin to raise her face. Her make up was a bit smudged and she never saw that top on Costia before that night. Her breath smelled of some flavored vodka but she saw her eyes regain focus: she was not as drunk as she seemed.

Costia wiggled out of her grasp all of a sudden, as if she remembered something. “You didn’t answer the first one”, she said accusingly, a pout on her lips

A loud knock on the door interrupted them.

“Is she in there?”, Lexa heard Finn’s voice coming from outside

Another knock and Costia moved from the sink to open the door.

“I’m here”, she smiled at him, blinking through the half closed door. Lexa sat on the edge of the bathtub, her wet handkerchief still in hand and dripping on the floor.

Could I have been more stupid?

Finn moved to look inside and saw her. She looked back at him, daring him to speak first

“What the hell are you doing at my place?”, he opened the door completely, only to be stopped by Costia’s hands on his chest.

“She was just leaving, right Lexa?”, Costia turned to her, expectantly

She stood, making room between them and walking out of the bathroom. It was like the music suddently stopped and everyone was looking at them.

Lexa passed the couple, without bothering to answer Costia’s question. Where the f*ck is the front door?

Then, a sudden push on her shoulder from the backside made her land on both hands and against a table full of glasses, that smashed on the floor spilling their content.

“Try again and punch me, bitch”, she heard Finn’s voice, hard and deep

She stood again, now in a big room with glass doors. Outside there was a pool, glowing under the artificial lights. She surprised herself thinking how nice it would be to jump in. Or better, throw Finn in it.

She started to walk outside, without even turning to the screaming boy that just followed her, with Costia on his heels. She could jump through the bushes and just take the long walk to her car.

She felt more than saw another push coming, but she was prepared this time and there was no game in playing reflexes with a drunk guy. She just moved left to avoid her big hands on the center of her back.

“I’m not going to punch you again, Collins”, she found herself reasoning. It was already a mess as it was and the neighbors were going to call the cops anyway, sooner or later. No need to put another complication in her life. And she actually didn’t like to punch guys, even if they kind of deserved it.

A small crowd gathered around them and some of his teammates started cheering for Finn.

f*ck again.

She walked out and reached the pool, but Finn followed her.

“Where the f*ck do you think you’re going nerd? You’re in private property!”. Lexa rolled her eyes.

They were outside now, more people around them. In that moment, Lexa crossed a pair of blue eyes.

Clarke was there, squeezed between arms and bodies, looking at her with an expression between surprised and curious.

“I asked you a question, Woods. What are you doing at my place? I don’t remember inviting you here”, Finn approached her again, trying to look imposing but betrayed by his uncertain walk.

Lexa looked at him and for a second she actually thought of truthfully answering him. She texted me, me you dumb jock.

Then she saw Costia’s expression. Both ashamed and scared. Scared that she could expose her.

Lexa smiled bitterly at her and thought she saw a glimpse of shame in Costia’s eyes. No need to worry Cos, I’m not the treacherous one here.

A moment of distraction, just in time to feel the wetness and the bitter smell of beer on her

And Finn was laughing at her, drinking the rest of the beer from the cup with satisfaction. “Maybe you just wanted to try what it feels to actually have fun”, more laughs. “Now piss off”, his expression turned in one of anger

And Lexa saw red. Consequences be damned. Her fist was already closed and ready and she could already visualize Finn floating in the pool. Then someone grabbed both her arms.

“It’s not worth it”. Clarke’s voice was soothing, both her hands still on her forearms, blocking her attempt to hit him. Her body physically between her and Finn.

Clarke turned at him, her hands still both stopping Lexa. “Finn, you’re drunk, chill the f*ck out”. Her voice was surprisingly hard and the boy looked at her in astonishment.

Clarke saw Lexa’s eyes dart in Finn’s direction but she put herself in the middle and intercepted them. “Hey, look at me. Look at me”, her intense blue stare fixed on her face, “It’s all right, it’s just beer”

Lexa saw his lips moving more than heard Finn’s voice. “Clarke…”

“What Finn? Am I trespassing too?” Clarke dared him, looking straight in his blurred eyes.

Behind Lexa, Clarke made out Raven, Octavia and Lincoln, making their way through the crowd in their direction.

Costia was silent next to Finn, still attached to his arm, scrutinizing the scene.

“What? No, of course not…”, Finn tried to justify himself, looking between Clarke and his friends.

Enough.

Lexa was the first one to move, disentangling her arm from Clarke’s grasp abruptly. She was going to walk out of there, now.

The brunette started walking in the direction of the glass doors and she half expected to be stopped again by Finn, who seemed unsure whether to speak again or just act on his rage. All the attention was on her, on her soaked black t-shirt and jeans, now a darker shade of blue.

“Come”, Clarke grabbed Lexa’s arm again, dragging her past the staring couple and putting herself between Lexa and Finn again. Her eyes never left Finn as she moved to the inside, barely acknowledging the girl on his left.

Clarke walked fast, pushing through the kids that were still silent around them and not turning to say goodbye to her staring friends.

Now she was not really expecting this end. Cops maybe, but not f*cking drama again

As soon as they were out of the door and on the cured grass in front of the house, Lexa wiggled out, walking a few feet away from Clarke.

“f*ck”, she screamed, looking around as if she didn’t know where she was. “f*ck, f*ck” she went on, running her hands through her hair and gripping them. Now that the tension was fading, thin tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

Her heart frantically pumped blood and she felt her head pulsing.

Clarke silently looked at her, arms now crossed, hands moving lightly up and down to heat her nude arms. She listened to the cricket’s singing, through the music that pumped again from the stereo in the house.

Lexa passed a hand on her face, looking at the black sky over them and breathing hard.

“I’m sorry”, Clarke’s voice was surprisingly sincere, almost a whisper. No questions asked, no judgment in her expression.

Lexa looked at her, suddenly tired. She didn’t feel like explain, she didn’t feel like anything. Her hand was in her pocket, touching the car keys.

She was on the verge to say something, a thank you maybe, when they both turned to the dark street.

Sirens sounding in the distance. Were they coming in their direction? The light in the neighbor’s window was suddenly turned on.

They looked at each other. “I’m-” Lexa was distracted by a smashing sound coming from the inside of the house. “I’m going home. Do you…”, she said it uncertainly, pointing in the undefined direction of her car.

Clarke seemed surprised by the offer. A small smile brightened her face, almost making her dark expression disappear. “No thanks, I got a ride”, she looked distractedly at the house, “I should go back and see if the others are fine anyway”.

Clarke didn’t specify who, but Lexa understood she was talking about the two other cheerleaders – Raven and Octavia.

“Ok”, Lexa breathed, looking down at the grass again before raising the collar of her leather jacket and she start walking in the direction of her car.

A voice reached her, “You take care, Woods”. Lexa turned again after a few feet, only to see that small smile again on Clarke’s face and she found herself responding imperceptibly.

°°°

Monday, again.

For every f*cked up week-end, there was always a boring Monday.

Clarke found herself in the school parking lot. She was even earlier than the week before. Well the week before, after the crisis that destroyed her expectations for this last year of high school.

She smiled bitterly: punctuality was one of the perks of not having a boyfriend, with whom fooling around at the café down the street before the first bell.

Sunglasses on, flowery dress and sandals, she came out of the car and closed it distractedly, taking her bag from the backseat.

What exactly did she do in her free time before Finn? Well, since they had always been in the same group, technically there had never been a before-Finn.

She was lost in her thoughts when she saw her.

Lexa was leaning on the wall not far from her, apparently buried in a paperback book with a worn out cover. Her car beeped after being closed and the brunette raised her eyes at her.

She put the book back in her bag and started waling in Clarke’s direction, jacket open on a gray top and jeans, hair up and glasses already on.

I thought she wore them only in class. Clarke found herself thinking

“Hey”, a short and almost military nod as a greeting, but Lexa’s eyes were looking everywhere but her in an almost comical way.

“Hey”, Clarke answered, mimicking her tone and not holding back a grin.

“Mocking is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke”, Lexa seriously answered, immediately animated and defensive.

“I truly do not know how to answer to that, Woods”, Clarke chuckled, staring at her disbelievingly. How on earth was there someone that actually talked like that.

Lexa gripped her bag, taking a big breath. “So, how is it going to work?”

Clarke stared at her questioningly and Lexa rolled her eyes. Was Clarke really going to make her say it?

“I mean”, she quietly spelled it, “What do we have to do to convince everyone not only that we can stand each other, but are actually dating?”

For the first time in ages, Clarke found herself speechless.

Chapter 4: Monday you can hold your head

Chapter Text

“I just assumed you thought it through before asking me” a perplexed expression appeared on Lexa’s face.

The clear light of morning made her forest green eyes look lighter.

Clarke looked exasperated, “What’s there to think through? We be together, make them jealous and rub it in their faces, then everybody goes from there, mission accomplished. Does it look like a plan to you?”

Lexa raised her eyebrows. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

Some cars were starting to fill the parking lot and curious eyes noticed the two girls laying on Clarke’s Chevrolet’s hood.

The cheerleader took a breath. It hadn’t even started jet and it was already hard.

She looked at Lexa’s expectant face and rolled her eyes. “What Woods, what?”, she pushed herself straight and stranded in front of her, “You were in a relationship so you are supposed to know what being together entails. We just have to replicate it, its not exactly rocket science”

Lexa imperceptibly paled, but Clarke saw the exact thoughts that went through her mind. She raised the forefinger as a warning, with wide eyes. “No, no! Stop thinking what you’re thinking, God! Believe me, I don’t want to know what you and that brat did in your little bedrooms but let me spell it: no funny business Nc17 rated!”

Unsurprisingly, Lexa frowned, “I don’t think we’re ready”. She started to walk away, just to be stopped by a hand on her arm.

“But we are! C’mon don’t make it harder than it will already be!” Clarke almost pleaded.

“No”, Lexa’s voice was sure and focused, “We don’t know anything about each other, don’t have a backup story and most importantly - she looked at the hand on her arm - we don’t have any chemistry. If we really want to sell it we need a plan”.

Clarke ran her hands through her blonde locks, exasperated. She was going to pretend to be in a relationship not only with a nerd, but a control-obsessed one. “We don’t have to pretend to be married for God’s sake, just be seen together, maybe do some PDA and look like ordinary seventeen years old that just started dating!”

Lexa nodded to herself with a pensive expression and Clarke almost smiled in victory. “Yes, that’s a start. But we hit when we’re ready, not before”, her tone was final.

The smile fell from her face, leaving place for a scorned expression, “Ok you know what? Come back when you grow some balls and decide to act on it instead of whining on your little lost girlfriend, Woods”, she hissed.

Lexa, still leaning on the hood, crossed her arms unfazed and took her time to look at the cheerleader, from the girly dress from her apparently endless collection to the posh handbag she had on her shoulders. She literally could not believe she agreed to this.

“It’s Lexa”

“What?” Clarke was above exasperation.

“You have to call me by name if you want anyone to believe us”, she explained patiently, as if she didn’t even hear the insults in her previous words.

Clarke put on a plastic smile, “Well, get lost…Lexa”, she chanted. And with that she went near her, her vanilla perfume invading Lexa’s senses. What is she doing?

Clarke grabbed her wrist delicately and her fingers ran to the palm of the brunette’s hand, that opened itself. A small pull, then Clarke’s face was near hers. Is she really…Lexa felt Clarke’s warm breath near her ear and a shadow of lips caressing her skin. She almost shivered, taken aback by Clarke’s actions and most of all by her body’s involuntary reaction.

Then she heard a light laugh and blonde locks tickled her jaw.

In a second Clarke was back a few feet far from her. A knowing grin on her lips, eyes flashing left and right to see how many people in the parking lot had seen their little exchange.

“You worry about your plan, I’ll take care of chemistry”. She left like that, putting her sunglasses on and not looking back at the brunette, who didn’t even try to follow. Not ready my ass, Woods.

°°°

Clarke went back to her car after cheerleading practice, almost hoping to see Lexa there after their previous confrontation. No English lit that day, which meant no forced meetings with the brunette. Lexa was nowhere to be seen at lunch, even if Clarke didn’t really put much effort in searching for her, already busy answering her friends questions about Finn’s party on Saturday.

But Lexa was not there. Did she have a car? On Saturday she implied she had one but Clarke had never seen her drive to school.

Grumbling, she closed the door and started the engine. Another day lost in her grand revenge plan, and Clarke found herself replaying in her mind Lexa’s irritating voice babbling “we’re not ready”.

The drive was short, through neat streets and cured lawns surrounded by white fences. She parked her Chevrolet in the driveway, already thinking of the unfinished hand study on her desk.

“Hey”, Lexa looked as collected as ever, sitting almost naturally on the first step of her porch with her paperback on her knees. In a fluid motion the book ended in her bag and she stood up.

Clarke stopped, frowning. “How do you know where I live?”, she stared at the brunette, more astonished than angry.

“Considering how many parties you’ve had here, it’s not exactly top secret”, Lexa plainly explained as if it was obvious. Clarke she was sure Lexa had never been to one of her parties, nor she had ever invited her.

“I rephrase your honor: what are you doing on my porch Woo-”, she stopped, rolling her eyes at Lexa’s pointed expression, “Lexa?”

“We need to discuss our plan”, she looked at Clarke expectantly.

“Oh and we couldn’t do it on the phone, could we?”. Ok, boundaries: Finn had been at her place no more than five times during the entire period of their relationship and she didn’t like having people in her room.

“I don’t have your number and I figured you wouldn’t have appreciated it if I came to you at lunch to ask for it in front of your cheerleader friends”, the spite evident in Lexa’s tone.

Clarke went to open the door, Lexa behind her at a few feet of respectful distance. As the door was open she came inside and removed her shoes, as Lexa did the same. She saw the girl looking discretely around, gripping her backpack and taking in the nice furniture and wide living room on the left of the entrance.

“Ok, my mum is coming home in a few so we don’t have much time”, Clarke lead the way up to her room. She mentally went through the status of it and surprised herself internally thanking her mother: if she didn’t force her to tidy up her space, the canvas and her multitude of spray cans would still have been there. Thankfully they were now neatly tucked in the study, away from Lexa’s observing eyes.

She surprised herself feeling a bit conscious under Lexa’s scrutinize. She knew her art was good in some way, but didn’t really feel like putting her naked inner-self on the spot with the brunette.

Still, her room was an explosion of color in comparison to the rest of the house, filled with perfect square pictures and fancy ornaments.

Lexa observed the room, silently analyzing the desk full of paper and watercolors and the walls, one of which was painted red and full of printed images and posters. In a corner, pon-pons and a dirty uniform from last week’s training.

“So now what Napoleon?” Clarke looked at Lexa expectantly. She didn’t like to admit she was a bit intimidated by her presence there. The big parking lot or Finn’s jard were one thing, but here in the domestic silence of her room she felt self-conscious of the brunette’s presence.

Lexa raised her eyebrows at her name-calling and Clarke rolled her eyes. “Ok miss valedictorian, it might surprise you but I actually have good grades”.

Lexa took a deep breath and put her backpack down near the door, taking a notebook out of it. “I have written down some points to go through together, if we hope to at least resemble a newly dating couple”

“Of course you have”, Clarke sighed, but came near her nevertheless. Lexa choose to ignore the comment and pointed out the first line, written in clear and neat handwriting.

Background story: when, where, what, why?

The world “why” was strongly underlined. “I came up with this so far: we met at English lit and that’s how we started talking”, Lexa looked at Clarke to see if she was following her, “We found out we have actually a lot in common-”

“Like what, living on the same planet?”, Clarke interrupted her. “The first meeting is fine, but I refuse to make us look like some stereotyped poor excuse of nerds. I say we never agreed on anything, so after a quarrel-” she put out a hand to prevent Lexa’s intervention, “which began because you decided to be your the charmingly petulant self and asked a question prolonging the class, we agreed to sort out our problems elsewhere. There you finally realized you couldn’t resist me”. The cheerleader smiled satisfied.

Lexa rolled her eyes. The last thing she wanted was to start a fight on which one fell for which first: who cared really? There were other pressing matters and having Clarke collaborating was enough for now. “Okay Shakespeare, do we get together before or after Costia and Finn’s cheating? I personally say after”.

“Yeah, after is fine since we are not cheating sh*ts like our not so charming exes. We can say we bonded more after the cafeteria crisis and the secret encounter to fight outside class was the fuel to our already fiery relationship. Plus, we’ve already been seen together at Finn’s party and this morning. Perfect”, she clapped her hands.

“Ok, next point”, Lexa conceded. It was not nearly enough in her opinion, but it had to be at least for now.

Get to know each other. The basics: family, hobbies, future projects

Clarke looked at Lexa with wide eyes. “Really?”

Lexa didn’t dignify her with an answer and just started speaking. “My name is Alexandra Woods. I like politics, history and math. I read, novels most of all. I box in a small gym not far from home and am part of the racing team and the book club. I work at a cafè whenever I can. I plan on going to Columbia University and become a lawyer”. Lexa briefly pondered on telling her about her shifts at the children’ day care but decided against it, just as she left out the family part. She already had her fair share of pity in her like and the second point was written mostly for Clarke’s benefit anyway: she doubted anyone would ask Clarke about Lexa's family.

She looked at Clarke expectantly. The cheerleader snorted, “Fine, I’m Clarke Griffin, I hate basically each and every subject in high-school and in my spare time I draw small men made of sticks…and this thing is completely useless Lexa, we do not need to know these things to make people think we’re dating, they will already presume we know all of this stuff!”, she couldn’t hold it back.

She conceded she was a bit astonished by Lexa biography, and did she really think she didn’t notice she skipped the family part?, but nobody would do this kind of enquiry to understand if they were an item.

Lexa silently stood from the bed, where she politely asked to sit. She was sitting on the edge of it, as if to not occupy to much space in the huge queen size bed, hands leaning on her thighs and back straight.

Does she ever relax? Clarke asked herself.

Lexa’s cheeks were a bit red, as if she was embarrassed. She was done now: no more putting up with psychotic cheerleaders with too much self-esteem.

“Okay, my mistake”, she was already closing her notebook and fetching her backpack when Clarke stopped her.

“What I meant is that you’re not supposed to take a quiz on me Lexa, and I don’t think the things that would attract you to me would be my favorite subject”, she saw the brunette looking at her, a hint of interest in her eyes.

Clarke straightened herself and tried to articulate: “Hypothetically speaking, you’d probably could find cute that my biggest guilty pleasure is double chocolate muffins, that I hate hitch-hiking but I love to walk by the see for miles. I like flowers but not roses because they’re so cliché, my favorite color this week is burnt sienna, which is a shade of orange but so damn difficult to get right and in the end I’m going to find a new favorite one by the end of the week”, she tried to understand if Lexa was getting her point, even if she was kind of babbling. She shrugged, “What I’m trying to say is that this exercise would be more useful if you were not so…detached”.

Lexa stared at her with focused green eyes. So it might not be men made of sticks but she truly likes art, she found herself noticing by the color referral. “I get your point”, she conceded. “So should I ask you what do you like about I don’t know...cheerleading?”, she tried tentatively.

“Ok, we’ll be working on your defrosting, but it’s already better”, Clarke laid down on with her back on her pillow. Talking to Lexa was not so bad after all, even if she was again sitting so stiffly, as if she didn’t want to dirty the covers. “I like that I get to spend time with my friends, but most of all I like the perspective: we look at a match from a different point of view in a way”, she looked away, a shadow of something that Lexa found difficult to place in her eyes, “And my mum was one, so I figured she’d like me following in her footsteps”.

Clarke clapped her hands again and tried to divert the attention on something else. Lexa decided not to ask for more. She knew how touchy certain topics could be and didn’t want to intrude, it was not her place anyway. She has her friends to talk to, this is not why we are here.

“Another point done. We’ll go over your nice and stiff biography next time. I already know that my first hypothetical gift to you will be a new Foster Wallace book to read alone and be mysterious and broody about it. I’ll gush about it with my friends at practice. - she babbled - Now what do you have next on your list?”, Clarke feigned interest in the already closed notepad and Lexa again decided to ignore the comment, even if she was a bit surprised by the fact that Clarke noticed the author of the book she was reading.

She reopened the page and read

Clarify on being openly gay, use of social media and public displays of affection

Lexa looked at Clarke questioningly: she had been openly gay since she was 14 years old and it was not really a big deal for her now, but she didn’t know where the blonde stood on that topic.

The cheerleader saw her doubt and rolled her eyes for the millionth time that afternoon, did Lexa really think she asked her to be her fake girlfriend without liking girls? “I’m as queer as they come Lexa: I’m bi, proud and out since I can remember. I’m actually astonished you didn’t know it”

“Well why would I?”

“Well for starters ‘cause I saw you practicing with Echo once”, Clarke’s pointed eyes made

Lexa’s face go red. She wasn’t fond of gossip but clearly remembered last year, when Echo couldn't stop talking about hooking up with some blonde in the lockers and…Oh.

And for the first time in that afternoon and probably the whole week before, Clarke laughed heartedly. “So she talked about me”.

Lexa immediately regained composure, “Yes, Clarke, she did”, but refused to elaborate, even if Clarke tried to extort more information.

“Focus, Griffin. Friends? What do we tell them?” Lexa doubted she would have any problems and most of her friends were not from school anyway, but Clarke was the queen bee of a dangerous hive of socialites.

Clarke thought about it for a second, looking at Lexa. Ok, some convincing on her part would be needed. “I say you worry about yours, I worry about mine”.

Lexa nodded, happy not to be involved. One cheerleader was enough as it was. “Fine by me, as long as you stick with the lines of the story we discussed”. They would gather enough attention as it was, without the need to rectify their story every five seconds.

“Agreed” Clarke quickly nodded.

“So that leaves us with social media. I’m not a big fan actually but I have a Facebook account”, Lexa took her iPhone from her pocket and opened the app. “Mm…I should probably add you”, she said questioningly, looking almost embarrassed, fumbling with her phone.

Clarke took her new iPhone8 from her nightstand. She immediately found the new notification and opened Lexa’s profile: they had a few friends in common including Octavia’s boyfriend Lincoln, but not as many as she thought.

She looked at her profile picture: a portrait probably taken at some beach, she was looking elsewhere, long hazel hair a bit ruffled by the wind and a small smile on her lips. Clarke could not deny it was a great picture and definitely a good-looking subject, objectively speaking.

The rest of the profile was private, then she saw the wall picture. She couldn’t contain a small laugh and turned the screen to Lexa, raising her eyebrows.

“What?”, she asked, “I like squids, they’re cute”, she defended herself.

Clarke clicked on accept and immediately saw the whole profile, filled with a few pictures of her, her and Costia, her and a beautiful blonde with Asian traits, looking a few years older than them. Then links from the New York Times and a few songs from YouTube.

“Before you say anything, Joy Division it’s a classic”, she said, looking helplessly at Clarke, who was scrolling down her profile with enthusiasm.

“And it’s just casual that you posted ‘Love will tear us apart’ ”, she lightly mocked her, “ ‘Snap out of it’, oh my God I like this Anya in the comments, who is she?”

Lexa grabbed Clarke’s mobile phone, trying not to touch her fingers as she did it. “Enough with social media”.

Clarke let her take it, surprised by the delicacy of the gesture. Was there something Lexa did that was not perfectly measured and proper?

“Which leads us to the last point to go through: PDA”

Lexa locked Clarke’s iPhone and put it on the bed, without even a glimpse to the ton of texts appearing on the screen.

“Yes, I think it would be best to clarify what we’re and we’re not comfortable with. In other words, we should try to understand how far-”

“I think we should kiss”, Clarke said abruptly.

“What?! No!”, Lexa looked almost outraged. She didn’t just kiss anybody for God’s sake, and she actually thought a few hand holding and walking to each other’s lockers would have been enough. She didn’t take kissing lightly and her thoughts went immediately at Costia.

“Oh c’mon Lexa! How are we supposed to sell it if we don’t kiss?”, Clarke looked exasperated. What the hell! Didn’t she want to kiss her? Everybody in that damn school would jump on it but no, she had to pretend to date the only person who needed convincing.

“We could hold hands and…” Lexa tried to explain moving hands and actually looking fidgety for the first time since the conversation started.

“Lexa”, Clarke stopped her, “Give me your hand”. She opened her palm between them, looking expectedly and waiting for the brunette to lay her hand over it.

If she didn’t know better, she would say Lexa looked almost uncertain. She felt her delicate palm lie on hers, thin fingers almost touching her wrist. Clarke closed her hand and took it, but Lexa’s fingers refused to close in a hand holding.

“Oh my God Lexa all that talking and you can’t even hold hands?!”, Clarke was infuriated.

“I’m trying ok? It’s just that…” She uselessly tried to explain herself. Just hold her damn hand, what the hell are you doing? Easier said than done: she was not comfortable with casually touching, let alone touching strangers and Clarke was indeed a stranger. And everyone would agree she was a very attractive one.

Snap out of it Commander, I’m amazed you actually have game with the girls in that cafè. Lexa could hear Anya’s voice in the back of her head. She had game, thank you very much. Maybe not with girls like Clarke, but generally speaking and outside high school clichés she considered herself a quite liked human bein-

“Lexa focus”, she heard Clarke snap her fingers in front of her. The blonde took a big breath,

“Ok, why don’t you tell me what you did with Costia, I assume you were fine with that”, she tried.

“What? I’m not gonna-”,

Clarke stopped her again. “I’m not asking what you did in private Lexa, just in public”.

“Ok”, Lexa reasoned, “Well we held hands, hug when we saw each other, kiss in the-”, she stopped, looking away.

“So just hold my hand like you used to hold hers and try to act more like a human being supposed to be attracted to me and less like a frightened puppy”, Clarke said in a condescending voice, extending her hand.

Lexa hesitantly took it, holding it lightly at first. Then she noticed Clarke was not moving, just waiting to see what she was going to do. Her palm was soft but a bit dry, probably because of the solvents. Lexa automatically entwined their fingers and was surprised by the way their hands fitted each other.

“Ok, so we established you can touch me without melting. Now to the big steps”, Clarke tightened her grip on Lexa’s hand and dragged her on her feet. “Kiss me”.

“What? I’m not going to kiss you”, Lexa frowned, taking a step back.

“Why not?”, Clarke dared her. She imperceptibly looked at Lexa’s lips: she was biting the lower one with a frowned expression.

“Because it doesn’t make any sense! Nobody wants to see us kissing”, Lexa tried to reason.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Sorry to break it to you, but everybody would want to see us kiss, especially if we have to make them believe we have any chemistry at all”. Why was she making it so damn hard? Was it so bad to kiss her?

Lexa mockingly laughed. “Just because you and Collins couldn’t stop making out in front of everyone to prove something that wasn’t even there, it doesn’t mean I have to do the same thing”.

The brunette saw Clarke’s blue eyes clouding. She abruptly disentangled their fingers and looked away.

f*ck, even Lexa could see she was out of line. “Look, I didn’t mean…”

Clarke didn’t let her finish, staring at her in anger. “What? That kissing me means nothing? You actually kind of were and you know what? Do you know where you can put your f*cking self-righteousness-”

Soft lips locked with hers. It was light, lips imperceptibly moving on hers. She felt a hand coming to rest on her cheek gently. Lexa inclined her head a bit to gain more space and Clarke could taste her breath as Lexa took one of her lips between her own.

In an instant those lips moved away and Clarke had to physically restrain herself to unconsciously follow them. Ok, not bad at all.

“So?” Lexa looked at her with trepidation and a bit of satisfaction. She could kiss for God’s sake, she had actually been told more than once and the cheerleader could not deny it.

“No need to look so smug, Woods”, Clarke actually looked kind of flustered. She could not believe it. Lexa Woods just kissed her and she actually liked it, even if just a bit. So what, she’s a good kisser. That’s a pro: maybe this absurdity of a plan could actually work. She imperceptibly licked her lips.

But first she needed to test something. Without any warning she grabbed Lexa’s neck and smashed her lips back together. Her fingers played with her hair and Lexa’s hands automatically moved onto her waist, holding her.

Clarke could smell her coconut shampoo and surprised herself noticing how fit Lexa actually was under that less than flattering outfit she was wearing. Their lips moved together hungrily, without the lightness of the first kiss. Tongues met and Clarke’s teeth bit Lexa’s plump lower lip, before going back on kissing, changing the angle. Lexa followed her, not shy at all this time, trying to take the lead and actually succeeding.

They parted again with one last small kiss from Clarke on closed lips and now it was the blonde’s turn to look smug. “So, I think we can actually sell chemistry”, she grinned at Lexa, who tried to regain composure and actually looked scorn by the ambush.

“Oh don’t pout, there are worse things that making out-”

In that moment they both heard the front door opening. “Clarke, I’m home!”, Abby Griffin shouted from downstairs.

Clarke looked like a deer in a highway, “f*ck, my mum’s back”. A minute after she stopped kissing her fake girlfriend in her room. And Abby Griffin was a quite perceptive woman.

Lexa went back to the bed to retrieve her notepad and calmly put it back in her backpack. “Well I think we’re finished here anyway” and opened the door of the bedroom. Kissing strangers she was a bit rusty with, but she could put up with mothers with closed eyes.

The two girls went down the stairs, Lexa first. Clarke saw the inquisitive eyes of her mother scrutinize Lexa from head to toes, stopping on that damn leather jacket she just put back on.

“Ms Griffin, I’m Alexandra Woods”, she spoke first, extending her hand. Abby shook it with a surprised jet curious expression. If there was something Lexa was good at, it was at dealing with parents.

“Hi dear, I’m Clarke’s mum. Are you a new friend?” the woman enquired, emphasizing the word friend.

Clarke rolled her eyes. Straight to the jugular. But Lexa didn’t lose a beat.

“Yes, we’re paired in the advanced English lit class. We were working on a presentation”. Lexa’s voice was sure but gentle, no inflection or tremor to betray her.

So you can actually lie, Lexa Woods. Clarke’s surprised gaze was pointed on the brunette.

“Yes mum, but Lexa’s going now”, she grabbed her arm and moved to the door, where they both put their shoes on.

“I’m quite surprised, I never saw Clarke having a group study since…”. Clarke rolled her eyes, thanks mum.

“I asked her for help, actually”, Lexa intervened as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Clarke took advantage of her mother’s astonished expression and opened the door, but Lexa turned to Abby, who was still imperceptibly looking between the both of them.

“It was lovely to meet you, Ms Griffin”, Clarke could see Lexa actually smile.

“You too Alexandra”, Abby answered.

The front door closed behind them with a soft clang.

“Well played Woods”, Clarke was actually surprised by the collected demeanor of the other girl. Her mother could be quite intimidating but Lexa easily neutralized her with her manners. If only Finn could have done the same, it would have saved them a lot of troubles.

Lexa shrugged. “I’m used to parents, I volunteer to a children’s day care. I should go now” and started to descend the few steps. The next bus station was a few blocks down the road and she didn’t want to be late for dinner, but Clarke stopped her.

“So we have a deal. Tomorrow, we begin”, the blonde waited for confirmation.

“Yes”, Lexa only nodded but her eyes didn’t betray any second thought.

Concise as always.

Clarke passed Lexa her phone. “Put your number in here” she instructed.

As the brunette did it and gave the phone back, Clarke put an arm over her shoulders, turning the camera to them.

“Clarke, what are you doing now?”, Lexa almost whined, trying to wiggle out without success.

“Look at the camera, you grumpy cat”. Their faces were reflected on screen: Clarke grinning, perfect light coming from behind. Lexa by her side, finally still under the light weight of Clarke’s arm and side-looking at the camera with crossed arms, brilliant eyes betraying her amusem*nt.

Satisfied with the pose, Clarke snapped a few pictures before removing her arm, the started scrolling through the photos.

“Done”, Clarke said with a satisfied grin. “Cheer up Woods, you’re on Instagram. Tomorrow we’ll talk about upgrading your use of social media”, she winked at the outraged expression on Lexa’s face. The brunette moved her mouth searching for words, but eventually stopped and silently grumbled.

She finally walked down the stairs, “It’s Lexa, try to remember it Griffin”. She turned to the street in front of her to hide a small smile.

Chapter 5: Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed

Chapter Text

Lexa immediately got suspicious. Something simply wasn’t right.

She arrived home from Clarke’s place just in time to start setting the table, Indra was already cooking and lightly singing to herself and acknowledged her presence with a small nod of her head. Anya’s car was parked just outside, witch meant her adopted bigger sister was home from her bar.

She saw her sister entering the kitchen, as she was putting knives and forks on the table.

“Hey An” she greeted her distractedly

“Hey little sis…how was your afternoon?”. The older girl came near her with a knowing smirk.

Why was Anya grinning?

“It was good…I think”. Lexa answered hesitantly, gripping the glasses she just took from the cupboard. The strange conversation between the two caught Indra’s attention.

“Were were you Lexa?”. The woman asked, while mixing tomato sauce in a big bowl of pasta.

Indra was the opposite of an inquisitive parent, but neither of her girls ever went out of her quiet radar. She adopted Anya and then Lexa when they were little girls and they had been with here for ten years now. Enough to feel like she was their rightful mother, non enough to forget how was life in an orphanage.

Indra found them together, even if they didn’t have any biological bond: Anya was the first person that ever protected Lexa. The first time Indra saw them, Anya was standing in front of a small Lexa, who was holding back tears after finding her small journal ripped in pieces.

Indra was a social worker, assigned to Anya’s case and in the end, when she decided to adopt her, she simply knew that couldn’t leave the small quiet girl with green eyes. Their small family moved in Polis just when Anya started high school: Indra wanted to give them a fresh start and when she was offered a new working position she jumped on the occasion that meant a little more money but also proximity with better schools for both her girls.

Lexa looked at Indra. Their relationship was a bit stiff right now: her week of detention wasn’t something Indra expected of her. The woman asked for her reasons and Lexa honestly explained her reaction. While Indra understood her reasons, she couldn’t except her daughter using violence before words. It doesn’t matter the reason, violence is never an answer Lexa. She heard her adoptive mother’s words in her head and was actually thankful that she didn’t mention how she could have jeopardized her future.

“I was at a classmate’s place”, Lexa answered vaguely. She wouldn’t lie to Indra, but still she wasn’t going to tell her about the fake relationship thing, most of all not in front of her sister. Speaking of witch, since when did Anja ask about her afternoon?

“Lexa…”, Indra turned to the girl, who was now playing nervously with the tablecloth. She knew how deeply Lexa cared fot Costia and saw how much her daughter struggled last week. Still, she blamed herself in a way for Lexa’s reaction against that boy: she taught her girl how to behave herself, but still knew how much anger Lexa had inside her and probably lacked in teaching her how to channel it.

“It’s true, we had to discuss some things about a project we have going on”, Lexa defended herself. She was not used to this inquisitive questioning but she kind of deserved it, she supposed. At least for a little while. What she couldn’t place, was Anya’s knowing grin.

“It’s true mum, she was at Clarke Griffin’s”, Anya’s words made Indra and Lexa turn in unison, but for completely different reasons.

Lexa’s expression was between incredulous and terrified. How the hell did Anya know about her and Clarke? Indra just scrutinized between the two girls.

Then Anya took her cellphone out of her pocket, putting it under Lexa’s nose. And with a horrified expression she saw it. Her face looked at her from the screen, an idiotic half smirk on her lips and Clarke’s arm on her shoulder. Perfect light to blonde hair, perfect smile, bright blue eyes.

“I have to say I’m impressed, little sis”, Anya seemed radiant. “Quite a comeback after the skunk’s stunt with that jock”.

f*ck.

“Language Anya”, Indra admonished her and the older girl immediately silenced, not wanting to test her fortune.

Lexa was at a loss. “Do you follow Clarke Griffin on Instagram?”

“It’s curious that you decide to focus on that, Lex”, Anya’s plastic smirk was still on.

A hand took Anya’s phone and Indra frowned, observing the picture between Anya’s amused stare and Lexa’s struggle to say something. Her daughter hugged with a pretty blonde, smirking at the camera.

“So, Lexa. You were at this girl’s house this afternoon”, clarified Indra.

“Yes”, Lexa curtly answered. No need to add something she was sure she would regret later.

“I got to admit it Lex, never pegged you for being so resourceful. How’s Costia taken it? I’m sure she was pissed”. Lexa was sure Anya’s face was going to fall down with all that smirking.

She actually surprised herself for being somewhat proud of Clarke’s online stunt. If it had fooled Anya it would definitely work with everybody. The picture was still open on the screen, cellphone now lying on the table. Clarke’s lips were a bit open in her smile, looking full and soft.

“I’m…Me and Clarke…we’re not…”. Lexa struggled. What was she going to say? She couldn’t blow the plan at the first occasion. “We’re taking it slowly”, she ended up saying, in the most calm tone she could muster. Then she started to fill the dishes with pasta, ignoring Anya’s jokes completely.

Indra’s attentive eyes focused on her daughter.

°°°

Clarke fumbled pensively through notifications on her phone. She looked again at her and Lexa’s picture and got to admit they actually looked good together: cute, one could say. Somebody actually wrote it under said picture.

She was still in her car, parked in front of the school. Clarke took a big breath: here we go. It wasn’t like her to be so agitated, but again: it wasn’t everyday she decided to fake a relationship with the somewhat school outcast, in order to make her ex jealous.

Looking in the rear-view mirror, she saw her. Lexa’s hair were down on her shoulders, strong jaw and high cheekbones emphasized by a shade of make up, green eyes covered under sunglasses. Her outfit also betrayed a bit of effort: blue fitting jeans that showed her toned legs and a white blouse with rolled up sleeves that showed her collarbone and actually made Lexa look more feminine than her usual proper shirts.

Clarke went out of the car, laying on it with crossed arms, waiting for Lexa to reach her. Both girls scrutinized each other. Lexa’s intense gaze took Clarke’s dress in, not even trying to mask her intent.

Clarke opened her arms and smirked. “So, do I look like the perfect girlfriend you dreamt of having?”

Lexa only huffed, with one last gaze at the blonde. Clarke knew she looked good, more than good probably. That was not actually their problem, now. “Do I?” she retorted.

Clarke only rolled her eyes, crossing arms again. Someone woke up on the wrong side of bed.

"So, do you really think anyone's going to believe that me and you can stand each other, let alone date?". Lexa gripped her bag, looking around nervously. Here we are now.

Clarke extended her hand. "There's just one way to find out". Lexa’s fingers brushed lightly against her own before securely entwining, with a confidence Lexa didn't know she had. No turning back now.

CLarke's grip was strong but not uncomfortable and Lexa was surprised at how reassured it made her feel. She looked in Clarke’s eyes, searching for a change of mind but actually just found an encouraging smile on her face.

“C’mon”, she heard Clarke whisper and the grip on her hand tightened. Lexa felt herself be dragged towards the entrance and didn’t oppose any resistance.

All eyes were on them and it was like replaying last week back again. Only this time the whispering was not about how she was so blind she didn’t see Costia cheating on her.

Lexa saw the girls who made fun of her a few days ago in the bathroom. In the corner, some of Finn’s team mates scrutinized them, sending daggers in Clarke’s direction. She was sure one of them was already writing something on his cellphone.

Lexa involuntarily stiffened. She encountered Clarke imperceptibly worried stare and the blonde came near her ear, brushing their shoulder together. Lexa could smell her vanilla perfume that now was something she immediately associated with Clarke. “Hey, look at me, is there something wrong?” the blonde’s voice sounded actually concerned.

Lexa shook her head and looked around again, meeting the stares and silently daring them, and saw Clarke do the same. She felt the cheerleader’s warm body glued to her hip and moving together with hers, while they were walking down the hallway.

So they knew how to make an entrance.

Step by step, the walk became easier. Their hands remained entwined but their grip started to slowly loosen and Lexa found herself breathing again, after involuntarily holding it. She felt Clarke’s distracted fingers play with her pinky and then trace small circles on the back of her hand: it was kind of soothing.

“So that’s my stop”, Clarke’s shoulder collided softly with a locker and she turned to look at Lexa, making sure to be in her personal space, almost touching noses.

“My locker’s down there”, the brunette said it, without moving from her place in front of Clarke but only pointing it with her chin.

“It wasn't that bad, was it?”, a small smile on Clarke's lips. The fingers of the blonde continued to distractedly play with hers.

"Mm..." Lexa looked at their joined hands. It actually wasn't. She felt almost secure, entering the school with the blonde, and there was something intimate in the way she was looking at her now.

"You can smile, you know-" Clarke mocked her but immediately stopped to stare at something behind her head.

Lexa distinctly felt eyes on her and she didn't need to turn to know who it was. She felt Costia's laugh ring in the hallway before stopping abruptly.

Clarke imperceptibly came near her, fighting to mask her frown for a more relaxed expression. She saw the blonde's eyes follow something behind her and then moving her head to openly look at Costia. Not only Costia, Costia and Finn.

Here they were. The couple passed them without even trying to look unimpressed. Finn struggled to find words, moving his lips slowly as if searching for the right thing to say. Costia's eyes were slits. Her hand around Finn's arm tightened, slowing his pace.

Lexa stopped breathing. Not so nice when the roles are reversed, is it? She knew Costia's expression: the disappointment written on her face, the angry stare she threw at Clarke.

Clarke took in the details. Costia's bag was on Finn's shoulder, as he used to do with her. Carrying her things around school was one of his ways of showing off their relationship and he was now apparently putting it on new use, with another girlfriend.

She remembered all the times she used to wait for him at her locker, the exact same place she was now. Her stomach used to flutter while searching for him in the crowded hallway just a few months ago. Now instead of butterflies she only felt a mix of shame and anger. There she was now with foreign hands on her, belonging to a girl she didn't even look at just a few days ago.

Suddenly the whole charade didn't seem like a good idea at all.

A thorn of panic froze her, the same dreadful feeling she felt that day in the cafeteria, when Costia ran to him.

Clarke felt a hand, gently stroking hers. She focused on Lexa's face, on the strong scent of leather from her jacket, on the softness of her fingers. The other hand sneaked on the small of her back, straightening and sustaining her. Lexa was ready to say something, but someone interrupted her.

“Clarke?”, Raven reached them, frowning as she noticed Finn and Costia walking past them. She followed them with her eyes, before turning to look at the two girls, raising her eyebrows.

Lexa immediately tried to sneak away, her arms leaving Clarke’s waist, but the blonde trapped one of her hands in hers, putting on a plastic smile. No chicken out now, Woods.

“Hey Ray”, Clarke grinned at her friend innocently, ignoring Lexa’s discrete attempts to free her hand behind her.

“May I know what’s going on?”, straight to the point, the Latina moved her fingers to point the both of them.

Lexa stopped moving, looking expectantly to Clarke. Your friends, your mess to fix.

The blonde rolled her eyes at Lexa and grabbed her with more force, pulling her a bit forward.

“Ray this is Lexa-“ she started.

“Cut the crap Griffin, I know who Woods is, we’ve been in the same math class since junior year. What I want to know is why you two are holding hands and if it has something to do with Finn’s face turning green a minute ago”.

“Well…we met in English lit” Clarke reasoned, trying to gain time. Why that idea of a backup story didn’t sound so stupid anymore?

Lexa vigorously nodded with a serious expression. “Yeah, we fought a lot” added helpfully. She didn’t notice before how scary Raven Reyes’s questioning could be.

“And after that Lexa and I realized we actually had a lot in common!” Clarke said over enthusiastically, only to gain an elbow from Lexa. So much for a cliché story, Griffin.

"Like what, living in the same planet?", Raven scrunched her nose, repeating the exact same words Clarke used the day before, and Lexa let out a scorned grunt. Are cheerleaders collectively programmed?

"Raven!" Clarke admonished her, only gaining an expectant look.

Lexa started turning in the other direction, ready to leave with a meaningful look sent at Clarke. She tried to free her hand again, just to be trapped once more by the blonde.

Clarke's brain was blank. No idea whatsoever to try to list something Lexa and her were supposed to have in common. Ok, maybe and only maybe the exercise from Sunday could have been useful.

Then she brightened: "We bonded on football!". Easy guess: who doesn't like football?

What the f*ck?! Lexa widened her eyes. What was Clarke talking about? Lexa didn't know the first thing about football, barely understood the rules.

"Look Raven, this is not an interrogation. We just...clicked I guess", Lexa cut the conversation.

She was sick and tired of that discussion. Clarke should have talked with her friends. Clarke should have listened to her when she told her they needed a story. And most of all, Clarke should let go of her hand, because she almost didn't feel it anymore.

Raven stared at them unbelievingly, ignoring Lexa and looking straight at Clarke. “So now what? You want me to believe you started what...dating your ex boyfriend’s girlfriend’s ex?”

“Hey, don’t say it like that”, the best defense is offence and Clarke decided to put an outraged face on. “We started feeling some changes in our relationship and we acted on it when we were both free...”.

Mayday. Clarke looked Lexa with pleading eyes, begging for her to intervene.

“We understood something changed after she helped me at Finn’s party”, Lexa’s voice regained calmness and sounded completely sincere. If she had to play, she only played hard.

For the first time, Raven looked genuinely taken aback.

Clake was astonished. Touchdown Woods.

The brunette smiled, putting her arm around Clarke’s waist again, gaining a surprised expression from Clarke: something was going to happen and she got the feeling she wouldn’t like it.

So if the storyline was changed... Lexa put on her sincere face again. ”Clarke asked me out for coffee on Sunday afternoon and we decided to go from there”

Raven expression couldn’t be more astonished. “Clarke, Clarke Griffin asked you out”.

Clarke widened her eyes, grabbing Lexa’s hand on her waist just to put her nails in the delicate palm as strong as she could. It was definitely time to end it.

“Listen Raven, Lexa actually has to go but for now - she looked at Lexa with a pointed furious stare, daring her to contradict her -, but for now you only need to know we’re taking it slow, step by step”.

Raven was still unconvinced. “And it has nothing to do with Finn”.

“No Raven”, Clarke rolled her eyes and Lexa choose the perfect moment to interrupt them.

"I really have to go now, I'll see you later Clarke", Lexa's voice was strong and sure, intended for everyone to hear. Her arm tightened around her waist as she placed a small kiss on her cheek.

What the f*ck. Since when the table reversed? Clarke found herself petrified and just let Lexa lead, accepting her small kiss and responding with a small wave of her hand, unable to participate more and just followed Lexa’s back until she disappeared in the crowd, only to meet Raven’s arched eyebrows.

“Are we done with the third grade Ray?”

“You know we’re not Griffin. You and the sociopath who happens to be the other betrayed ex in this little story have some explaining to do”, Raven stopped for a second, before winking suggestively. “But even I have to admit she looks kind of hot, she emanates some nerdy chic vibe with that blouse. Come to think of it, I kind of get why you asked her out”.

Clarke widened her eyes, “Raven!”

“What! I’m just saying she has nice legs and cleavage under that proper exterior...Jesus, already jealous much?”

What?

“Anyway, it was time for you to grow some balls and actually ask someone out instead of waiting. I like this new you!”. Raven left puffing, leaving Clarke in a hallway almost empty.

The blonde let her breath out, just to realize how tense she was. f*ck, Her nerves almost betrayed her before, when she saw Costia and Finn together . She felt so strong a minute before but seeing Finn, actually seeing him with her, made all her confidence crumble.

And then Raven, and f*cking Lexa messing with their story. Looking kind of hot while doing it. Her forehead smashed lightly against the metal door of the locker, feeling slightly relieved by the coldness of the metal.

°°°

Lexa Woods: When do we meet?

Lexa Woods: Griffin

Lexa Woods: What's wrong?

Clarke felt her mobile phone vibrate in her pocket and read the texts on the screen just to switch it off without answering, as she already did with a bunch of messages from Octavia and Raven in their group chat.

Ok, the whole fake dating thing was actually a lot harder than she thought. She couldn't believe what happened in the hallway, how she was just paralyzed by just seeing Finn and Costia together. Thinking about it, she was actually kind of mad at Lexa’s stunt too. What the f*ck was that? She was the one asking for a common background story, just to change it at the first occasion? So much for trust.

She barely heard the teacher's boring voice. Another vibration.

Lexa Woods: Clarke

"Miss Griffin, would you like to contribute to the discussion?", the severe voice of professor Pike woke her up and she fumbled with the mobile phone, trying to put it back under her desk.

Twenty pair of eyes were now on her, Costia's included, and she felt her face go red. She didn't even know they were in the same class until today but could swear she saw daggers coming from her eyes. What goes around comes around, bitch.

"I know you may have other pressing matters in hand right now - Pike emphasized the world "pressing matters" and the hole class giggled - But please, try to pay attention and don't make me confiscate your mobile phone, because it would mean detention".

Perfect.

°°°

Lexa looked at the screen again and at the unanswered texts. Was she really mad about the change of their story? She thought about the tremor of Clarke's hands this morning and at the strange look she had in her eyes when she saw Finn. Was she actually on the verge of calling the whole thing of?

She was at her locker when she heard the bell ring and a stream of unenthusiastic kids started to move in the cafeteria's direction.

She was closing the door of her locker when she noticed it: her and Costia in the photo booth, she was sitting on Lexa's knees and they both were laughing.

She cautiously took out the picture, her fingers brushing against the printed faces, then she opened one of the unread books stuffed in the locker and put it there.

Lexa thought back at Costia that morning, was it jealousy the one stamped on her delicate expression? It was maybe wrong, but she felt a sweet sensation running through her veins. The real question was, why didn't Clarke feel the same? Finn looked absolutely astonished at the sight of them together: that was the whole point for her, wasn't it, so why wasn't she answering her texts?

The brunette closed her locker with a loud clank, didn't bother to check her mobile phone again and started walking to the cafeteria.

A loud noise welcomed her in the crowded room, full of tables and kids with trays. She actually hated to eat there, usually preferring to eat outside with the only company of her book. Only when it was to cold to stay in the jard, she joined the table of the racing team - a bunch of nice guys and girls without any particular social status, with whom she just indulged in some basic chatting.

But this time she was there with a specific target in mind. She scrutinized the crowd, knowing where to look: a blonde head, sat at the central table.

Clarke was distractedly eating her burger and letting the others do the talking.

"...all I'm saying is that this is our last year of high school and we should make it worth it" Raven stated. She was trying to convince them to organize some prank to the football team.

"Well, someone here already found a way to start this year with a nice twist!”, Octavia focused on Clarke.

“Guys...”, Clarke didn’t feel like talking about Lexa or Finn, again and felt a slight pang at the thought of the unanswered messages.

"...and here she comes", Octavia whispered, her eyes not leaving Lexa as she approached.

"Hello Clarke", Lexa stiff voice made Clarke turn. She felt her presence behind her, stopping on her right, to the free seat near her. She looked at her raising her eyes from the plate, feeling a wave of relief as she saw Lexa's calm expression, even if she perceived her inner scorn.

"Hey", Clarke almost timid voice made Lexa's eyes imperceptibly widened, letting Clarke know she had to play along.

Lexa took a sit and everybody at the table remained silent. So much for a welcome.

"So...", Clarke looked at her friends, trying to break the ice. She knew she had to say something, but words died in her mouth. Octavia just continued staring, while Raven's grin only widened.

"Hello Lincoln", Lexa looked directly at Octavia's boyfriend and greeted him.

"Hey Lex", the boy smiled at her, looking amused by Octavia's astonished expression.

"You two know each other?", the small brunette looked between the two, trying to understand when the two universes collided without her knowing.

"Well yes, - Lincoln imperceptibly nodded and Lexa continued - we spar at the same gym", she said simply, stopping just to open her backpack to take a small lunch box with a sandwich and some stick carrots inside.

"Yes, Lexa's a pro" Lincoln actually looked genuinely impressed, even if Clarke saw Lexa shrug at his words.

"I actually wanted to try it out", Octavia intervened, grabbing Lincoln's arm.

"There's a few sessions for beginners on Thursday and Saturday. You should come", Lexa commented gently, not showing any embarrassment at the awkward situation and taking a bite of her sandwich.

“So…ehm, why are you here?”, Jasper’s curious voice, broke the precarious balance and the table froze.

Lexa turned to Clarke. It was now or never. Seeing the blonde’s uncertainty she felt a wave of cold through her veins. She felt like a complete idiot to have come to the cafeteria looking for Clarke, the chair she was sit on felt suddenly uncomfortable and she could almost perceive her face paling. She inhaled deeply and almost stood up. She could not bare to stay a moment more under the intense stare of that bunch of strangers. Screw the plan, screw Clarke Griffin.

Clarke imperceptibly moved her hand under the table, putting it on Lexa's leg in a small caress, before moving it to take one of the stick carrots in her lunch box.

“Lexa and I started seeing each other after Finn’s party debàcle”, she said fast, almost without breathing and trying to sound as normal as possible.

There: now the non-turning point was crossed. Clarke looked pointedly at Jasper, daring him to ask for more.

"I can't believe you're eating that", Clarke turned to Lexa and took only one bit of the vegetables, before putting it back. The tension slowly dissipated and the people at the table started talking again, almost ignoring the new couple.

"I can't believe you're eating that actually". It was the first thing Lexa directly said to her, pointing at her burger. The scorn was still there, but a bit soothed at least to keep up impressions.

Behind them, Finn followed the scene from the football table.

°°°

“Lexa!”, Clarke run after her. As soon as she finished her light lunch, the brunette had rapidly taken off, as if she had fulfilled her duty for the day.

The conversation had actually gone quite well, with Clarke progressively relaxing and even catching a glint of Finn and Costia in each other arms without getting thrown off by it. She actually felt more at ease with Lexa than she originally thought. She had to admit at least with herself that the broody girl could be quite charming when she wanted. Octavia was completely mesmerized by her after a few competent comments on boxing and Raven actually smiled when she smartly answered to one of her witty remarks.

The brunette continued walking, without even acknowledging her presence.

"Hey", Clarke finally reached her and grabbed her arm to make her stop, "Would you please stop?"

She stopped abruptly, turning to her with pissed expression. "Why?"

"Why? what-"

"Why would I stop?", piercing green eyes scrutinized her.

Clarke took a breath. It was time to make amends, she knew it. "I'm sorry about before", she softly said. She was aware that it couldn't have been easy for her to come to the cafeteria alone and sit at her table, standing there to be judged by her friends and feeling her hesitating. That, after being ignored by text.

"No Clarke. You almost stood me up", her voice was definitive, no hint of comprehension. Lexa didn’t actually know why she was behaving like that, the lunch went actually well even after the critical beginning. No scratch that: deeply, she knew why. For the second time in two weeks, she felt rejected and as she had to accept Costia’s rejection, she couldn’t bare Clarke’s. She was the one suggesting the plan and she was almost the one to sabotage it.

Clarke started to explain herself. "Firstly, I know I had to answer those texts but you changed our background st-"

“I changed it? You couldn’t get it right and I just had to improvise. And it wasn’t my job to convince your friends of it!” Lexa was completely out of it.

“Well but-” Clarke tried to argue.

"But what? Ad what about before in the cafeteria? Did you freak out because of Raven? Or someone of your friends said something to you about me during class? What?" Lexa let out all of her frustration. She knew some parts of what she was saying were actually unjust towards the blonde, but she couldn't stop herself.

Clarke was taken aback by Lexa's anger. Ok, she struggled for a minute but she didn't think Lexa could be this mad at her.

"No - she babbled - nobody said anything...why are you saying stuff like that?", Clarke frowned, taking a step back and freeing Lexa's arm.

"Was it Finn? I felt the way you trembled this morning when you saw him and you were ready to dump me in front of your friends before...You probably don't have the guts to go on with this thing. Just say it: are you ready to crawl back to him as if he didn’t cheat on you?". Ok, that was harsh. Lexa immediately regretted those words.

A flash of pain run through Clarke's face and her expression fell, "f*ck you Woods", hissed. She pushed her with her shoulder and walked towards the school exit.

What the hell. She couldn't believe how Clarke did it: turning her so easily into the villain. She rolled her eyes, following her.

"Clarke"

It was Clarke's turn to ignore her. She passed a few kids and was out of the school. f*ck Lexa, f*ck their stupid plan and most of all f*ck Finn for making her feel so inadequate that morning, so replaceable.

"For God's sake", Lexa hissed, trying to keep her voice down and avoid drawing even more attention to their fight. They were outside now and that meant more audience to their argument.

"I'm sorry ok?", Lexa whispered, intercepting her before Clarke could get in the car.

"Yeah, really? And tell me Lexa, what are you sorry for?", she dared her with flaming eyes.

Lexa was taken aback by her rage. What has she sad to make her so angry? She took a breath. “For what I said about you...crawling back to him. It was a bitchy thing to say and I'm sorry about that".

"I don't want to crawl back to him, you ass. I..." She averted her gaze, searching for the right words. "-This morning I was actually upset because when I saw Costia with him- Well he..he used to do the same things with me, just last week ok?". She took a breath. "I just felt so f*cking replaceable Lexa. I mean, it can't be so easy to just forget everything we had together...". Clarke stopped her babbling. She knew she didn't make any sense, but in that moment all she could think was Finn walking down the hallway with Costia, with her bag on his shoulder. "And it's not even jealousy. It's just that...are we so easily forgettable?"

Lexa actually didn't have an answer to that question: it was the exact same thing she asked herself, thinking about Costia's cheating. Was it really so easy? She came even nearer, trying to prevent anyone to hear their conversation, even if they already caught the attention of the few people in the parking lot.

"Clarke, do you still want to do this? It's ok if you don't". And it really was, the first day had been hard, not because of their forced interaction but because of all that mess of questions and stares. If one of them didn’t see the point in doing it, they should stop immediately.

Surprisingly, Clarke let out a breath and smiled. “Octavia is almost in love with you, I don’t think I could make it out alive if I fake break up with you before she could come to the gym”. It was a lame joke, but some of the angst that had halted her before actually dissipated.

Lexa let out a small grin. “We have to be a team if we want it to work. Less roller coaster, more planning”, she lightly admonished.

“You’re right”, only in that moment Clarke noticed that they caught quite a lot of attention with their failed attempts of not yelling. She unconsciously came near Lexa. “And hey, we are already a good team, you can be the kicker! ‘Cause let’s face it, the quarterback-” she started saying, with a smirk.

“About that…I don’t know the first thing about football, so you might want to avoid talking about it with your friends while I’m there, considering you told them we bonded on it”.

“Ok, I’m actually reconsidering breaking up with you right now”. Lexa rolled her eyes, for the first time really at ease with the blonde.

“C’mon tiger, give me your hand. Peace?” Lexa put out her open hand, in between a shake and a handholding for the sake of appearances.

Clarke scrunched her nose, staring at the hand but taking it nevertheless and entwining their fingers. “We’re going to work on how you approach your girlfriend. Wanna give them a show? – she looked around, and immediately heads turned. She took both Lexa’s hands, putting them on her waist – We made peace, after all”. Just for show.

Lexa softly laughed, taking another step in so that Clarke was laying on the hood of her car. “No no, you have to work for it Griffin, and I actually think I’m the one that deserves a kiss after our first fake almost break up”.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke gripped her shirt, gently pulling Lexa to her. So that was it: their first public kiss. Their lips touched lightly and the blonde felt Lexa’s hands tighten around her waist. Clarke’s hand fluttered around the brunette’s face, just barely resting against her cheeks.

The kiss remained chaste, just lips moving, and Clarke was surprised how at ease she felt, pressed against her car with no other than Lexa Woods. They separated after a moment, both almost embarrassed by how natural it came to kiss each other like that.

Chapter 6: Thursday never looking back pt.1

Chapter Text

"So let me recap", Lexa chewed the back of the pen, a frown of concentration on her forehead. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she had her glasses on. "Eleven players, four-quarters of 15 minutes. Then we have three possible units: offensive, defensive and special unit, but I'm not sure what this one does, so I'm just going to forget about it for now".

Clarke looked at her encouragingly. They were sitting in her room, surrounded by a few sheets of paper full of draws of football formations.

"Then...then we have the offensive positions: four players behind the offensive lines", Clarke silently put a piece of paper in front of Lexa to start drawing. The brunette drew an uncertain line and started to align small circles.

"One is the quarterback, who carries the ball", she put a small QB inside the circle. "Then we have the offensive line, consisting in - she took a deep breath, counting on her fingers before writing it down - left and right tackle, left and right guard and a center". She looked at Clarke for confirmation, before adding, "They are often referred to collectively as 'the line'. Then there are halfbacks, fullbacks, tight end and wide receiver".

Clarke nodded and decided not to ask more specific questions on positions because she knew she could make Lexa's confidence crumble. "Ok good, now let's talk about the line of scrimmage"

"It's an imaginary transverse line that a team cannot cross until the next play has begun", Lexa answered competently.

"Ok, back to the drawing. What can the quarterback do?"

"Well he can hand the ball off to a back, throw the ball or run with it", she drew the possible ways the ball could move on the field. It almost looked as if she understood it.

"Ok, now about the passages. Can we pass the ball to everyone in every position on the field?", Clarke was sure the question was suggestive enough to make it easier.

"Of course", the brunette answered immediately and Clarke's encouraging face fell.

"No Lexa, focus! What did we say about forward passing the ball?", Clarke was almost exasperated but had pity of Lexa's lost expression. "The forward pass can only be attempted if the passer is behind the line of scrimmage", Clarke recited for the tenth time that day.

Lexa covered her eyes with a hand, then massaged her temples. "I'm never going to understand how this barbaric game works. Its a fact. Why the hell did you say to your friends I like football?", she contested.

"I'm sorry if I assumed you liked the most popular sport in America! And you run, I just thought you were big on sports?" Clarke tried to explain.

"That doesn't make any sense, Clarke". Lexa almost whined, looking at her attempt of drawing simple football formations, disconsolate.

"It's not rocket science Lexa! I can't believe you can learn math formulas and not understand something that is supposed to be fun for like, more than half of the American population". Clarke was a bit amused both by Lexa's commitment and her consequent scorn. She actually found it kind of cute. "And it's easier to learn by actually seeing a match, which luckily for you is going to happen as soon as the season begins!"

Lexa only groaned again. "Could we please just go back to our normal homework?"

"I'll put you out of your misery...at least for now. May I just remind you that you were the one asking for more planning?", she victoriously asked.

"Smooth, Griffin. Just wait until I make you repeat the list of the best legal firms in the country I want to apply for a stage", the brunette threatened, managing to make Clarke stop grinning.

"That canvas is quite big", Lexa observed totally out of the blue, pointing at the unfinished oil painting which was lying half covered on the ground.

"Yeah...", shyness made Clarke's cheeks imperceptibly turn red. She wasn't sure she could talk about her art, and it was a delicate topic anyway, especially in her house. "It's not finished yet and the first layer of color still has to dry", she stood up, covering her work with the large white sheet that fell from one edge.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude" Lexa almost stood up, a bit embarrassed by her lack of sensibility. It wasn't the first time she asked Clarke about art and her answers were always evasive. It was evident that it was a thorny topic and she was actually sorry for having brought it up again.

Clarke shook her head. "Don't worry about it. It's just that...well let's just say I'm not big on self-esteem now. But hey, look at this", she stood up, eager to avert Lexa's attention on something else. She went to her bag to retrieve her notebook and fumbled through the pages.

Lexa could see glimpses of sketches, until Clarke stopped. So this is what she's up to during classes.

Lexa couldn't contain a laugh, grabbing the notebook to have a better look at it. Pike's caricature - accentuated frowning expression, big bald head and enormous ears - was looking at her from the page. It was made with pen ink, no colors, but it was easy to see the precise and consistent trait. “I have to admit it, Griffin: you’re kind of talented”. Lexa flipped the pages a bit, just to see a few figure studies – bodies, hands, eyes – but didn’t focus on them and just gave the notebook back to Clarke. She didn’t want to cross a line on a matter that was touchy for the blonde.

“Thanks”, Clarke lightly grinned, putting a rebel lock behind her ear before taking it. “It’s just something I like to do in my free time. It relaxes me”, she added with a tone of uncertainty, as if she needed to justify her passion.

The both felt thee noise of an engine being turned off in the driveway. Clarke’s mum was back and the blonde rolled her eyes. She lost track of time, so there was no way her mother wouldn’t see Lexa leave.

Silently, Lexa put all her stuff in her bag: books, pieces of paper and pens. They both left the room to go downstairs, where Abby was hanging her coat.

“Good evening Ms. Griffin”, Lexa greeted first, prepared for the inevitable awkwardness.

“Lexa, what a pleasure – she was a bit inquisitive, scrutinizing Lexa from head to feet -. Are you two still working on your English project?”

“No, actually we just started to study together”, Lexa lied, looking questioningly at Clarke, just to be sure she was on the same page. She figured it would have been easier that way, considering she would be at Clarke’s place more often than a normal project partner.

“Yes, we have a test in a few days”, the blonde confirmed. Ms, Griffin attention was now focused on her daughter and she took her time, examining her and stopping her gaze at her hands. “Is it paint Clarke?”

Lexa saw the blonde pale and immediately rub her hands on her jeans. She saw the same stains on her hands when she arrived, but didn’t think anything of it until she saw the big canvas in her room. “Mm…yeah I was just-”

“I really hope Clarke can focus more on her studies now that she has you, Lexa”, Ms Griffin interrupted Clarke, just to move her stare at Lexa in a quite threateningly way.

Oh. Lexa looked between the two Griffin women, before feeling Clarke’s hand grab her arm.

“Thank you mum, but I think I can look after myself just fine”, her tone was cold, but her eyes never crossed her mother’s. Lexa could decipher the embarrassment in the blonde’s expression and tried her best not to do anything to underline it.

Once Clarke and Lexa were outside, they both felt relieved.

“So…I’ll see you tomorrow. Same time same place?”, Clarke asked softly, almost uncertain.

Lexa nodded. “Same time, same place”. She put her backpack on her shoulders and gave Clarke a small grin. She just answered with a wave, before turning back inside with her face still pale.

°°°

The few days after that went smoothly. They had their secret routine: they met at the parking lot, walked inside together and Lexa accompanied Clarke to her locker. The walk was filled with small talk, at first it was a bit stiff but now they were kind of getting along on frivolous facts like making fun of the stares they still received. Clarke usually interrogated her on football and she had to admit that Lexa’s perseverance was paying off. They just stopped kissing: it was something they had to do to keep up appearances at the beginning, but after a few days they actually became quite shy around each others. Touches were fine, but they both settled for chaste kisses on the cheek as goodbye.

They usually met again for lunch, eating together at Clarke’s table. Now that a few days had passed, her friends didn’t mind Lexa’s presence anymore and some of them – namely Octavia – were actually quite happy with the new addition.

“Is Lexa coming today?”, the brunette asked bluntly, as she saw Clarke approaching.

“Hello to you too, O”, she answered as she put down her tray. “And yes, I think she’s going to be here in a bit, why?”. Octavia's fascination for Lexa was becoming quite ridiculous. Clarke could easily admit that her fake girlfriend had some peculiar qualities when she wanted to impress someone, but she never thought her friend could like her so much.

“Good, I have to tell her about Gustus. I officially passed my first training session”, she proudly added, gaining a small kiss from Lincoln.

She smiled at Octavia’s joy and just turned to see the brunette in question walk fast towards them. She greeted Lexa with a grin, only to turn it into a frown as she saw her dark expression. What the hell happened now?

“Clarke, I need to-”, the brunette’s eyes were on her, burning with anger.

“Lexa, sit. You can talk with your girlfriend later! I have to tell you all about my training!”, Octavia interrupted, unaware of the silent dialogue between the couple and not caring about defining them with a label that they both didn't actually ever use.

Clarke raised her eyebrows. Do you want to disappoint Octavia? Lexa rolled her eyes, taking a seat.

“Of course O”, Lexa sat down and started opening her lunch box. Clarke surprised herself to grin at the easy way Lexa addressed Octavia with her nickname.

The blonde distractedly listened to their conversation about kicks, gloves and punching bags and started eating her pizza, silently moving the bowl of salad onher tray in Lexa’s direction.

That was another part of their new routine: the cafeteria menu consisted in a main dish and a side one but Clarke usually didn’t take it even if it was free, not liking vegetables. When she became accustomed with Lexa’s crazy diet and the fact that she preferred to pack her lunch instead of buying it in the cafeteria, she just started to pick the extra dish.

Lexa silently started to pick from the bowl with her own fork, taking small bites in her always polite composure. Clarke actually saw the frown almost vanish and felt quite relieved: whatever concerned Lexa, it was not a matter of life or death, so she settled on finishing her own lunch.

True to her word, Lexa patiently listened to Octavia’s rambling and exchanged a few knowing gazes with Lincoln. Then she excused herself and took Clarke’s hand with a confidence Clarke didn’t know she already had, especially in public, and dragged her away.

Clarke let herself be lead out, just hearing Raven’s chuckle, “So much for taking it slow”.

Once they were alone in the empty hallway, Lexa let her hand go and the frown on her forehead returned.

“We have to make out in public, like really make out”, she said seriously, as if it was the most obvious thing to ask.

“What?”, Clarke almost laughed but instantly remembered of the sensation of their intense make out session, that afternoon in her room.

“Kiss Clarke, we have to kiss in public again”, Lexa repeated, in a more frenzied way.

“And why exactly you think that? If I remember correctly, you are not a fan of PDA”, it was Clarke’s time to frown. Not that she did have a problem with kissing Lexa, she could admit that much. The thing was, she actually didn’t understand why the brunette was so eager to do it again all of a sudden.

“Why?! Because nobody is buying it Clarke”, she was a bit hysterical now. “I mean, look at me, it looks like I’m your charity case from the latter stairs of the social ladder! And, I mean, you said it yourself: sitting together at lunch and holding hands could work like, in sixth grade”. She spoke fast, and now Clarke was actually worried: since when did Lexa Woods concern herself with social ladders and appearances?

“Whoa, slow down now. Where did you hear stuff like that?”, Clarke didn’t know Lexa very well, but from the few afternoons spent together she could bet that this was totally out of her way of thinking.

Lexa put her back on the locker behind her, crossing her arms and looking away.

“Lexa”, Clarke admonished.

“I heard it in the bathroom, ok?”, Lexa still didn’t look at her, as if she realized all of a sudden how crazy she sounded.

“Ok, care to elaborate some more?”, the blonde tried again.

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I was in the bathroom and I heard some girls talking….well, talking about us. Us as a couple I mean”, she specified, as if it was still hard to believe. “They said that while it was kind of believable the first days – many compliments to your outfit that day, by the way, your dress really kills it”, she mimicked what probably was the girl’s tone, “Anyway, the point is that now we look – and I quote – frigid. Oh, and apparently Costia and Finn were caught making out again, but this time it was in the gym”. She told her and Clarke felt a small pang at the mentioning of their exes.

“Frigid?”, She decided to focus on what concerned her and Lexa and not on their exes. “Well, sorry but I told you so: kissing needed to be part of the deal, as much as we dislike it”.

“So let’s do it already!”, Lexa opened her arms, straightening. She registered the comment about disliking it, but decided not to comment on it.

“Oh no, no miss. You’re the one always talking about planning stuff and I can tell by your attitude that you’re not ready for the grand big kiss-”, she tried to reason. It was not that she didn’t want to kiss Lexa, in fact she didn’t dislike it the first time, but the idea to do it again publicly felt kind of forced. Maybe she could make Lexa see it-

Out of the blue, Lexa took her arm and dragged her in an empty classroom, closing the door.

“I’m ready, more than ready. And we are actually past the ‘yuck’ factor, aren’t we?”. Lexa felt silly just asking it. She actually never had a problem kissing Clarke: past the fact that she was kind of intense – Lexa learned how to put up with it by now - she was one of the most gorgeous girls in school. Objectively speaking.Clarke, on the other side, never let transpire any opinion on her and she just talked about disliking it.

“Sorry, I don’t speak nerd”, Clarke was actually getting quite confused. The yuck factor? What?

“I mean, do you find me repulsing in some way?”, Lexa’s big green eyes looked at her, wide and sincere in heir questioning. She didn’t perceive any solid disliking on Clarke's part the first time they kissed, but she could be wrong.

Clarke almost smiled, thinking of Lexa’s phrasing. “Are you asking me if I think you’re hot?”, she couldn’t resist mocking her a bit and Lexa immediately fell for that, her cheeks turning pink.

The brunette took a deep breath, putting a few feet between her and the blonde. f*ck, what the hell was she doing in that room with Clarke? What was she doing even in the same f*cking planet with her.

Clarke decided to put her out of her evident misery. She didn’t actually think Lexa could care that much about what she thought. “I think that in your peculiar way you’re kind of cute Woods. A bit overachieving and controlling maybe, but definitely cute”. After a fast reasoning, she settled for cute. Saying she was beautiful would be a bit too much for the mood of the conversation. Or for the general mood of their fake relationship, for that mattered.

Lexa just stared back at her, internally taken aback by the confession. “So? Do you think we need any more practice?”

“Ok, you know what-” Clarke pulled her hair away from her face and curled it behind her ears. She shook her arms at her side as if preparing for a race, then run her tongue over her lips to moisten them and leaned in.

Here we go.

Her mouth barely brushed over Lexa’s bottom lip. Clarke pulled away, just a bit to breathe in, before she returned to the brunette’s mouth. She parted her lips this time, taking her lower one between hers and pulling lightly.

The kiss built up immediately, Lexa put her arms on the side to support herself on the desk behind her as Clarke kissed her.

The blonde couldn’t prevent herself from letting out a deep moan as she felt Lexa reciprocate the kiss, sucking her lower lip into her mouth. She instinctively wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling Lexa towards her until she was practically between her legs. Ok, this was getting out of hand.

Then Lexa’s hand slowly made its way to the crook of her neck, cupping her face to deepen the kiss, and Clarke forgot every coherent thought about not wanting to kiss her. She felt Lexa’s tongue glide over her mouth and before she could even process the new information, her lips were parting to let her in. A moan escaped them both, as they fought for dominance in the intense kiss.

Lexa didn’t even realize when it happened, but she was now sit on the desk, legs open and Clarke standing between them, grabbing at her waist and thighs as the kiss became even more eager.

They eventually parted for the lack of oxygen and Clarke breathed heavily, with her nose brushing against Lexa’s chin before recapturing her lips.

Lexa’s tongue slipped inside of her mouth with ravenous urgency, while Clarke’s hands were slowly making their way on Lexa’s back under her shirt. The blonde was so lost in the sensation of Lexa’s incredible ministrations she didn’t even realize what she was doing, until she felt the soft skin of Lexa’s strong back under her palm. Lexa’s legs tightened around her to keep her in place, as the brunette let out a deep moan and intensified the kiss, licking her lips and struggling to change the angle.

“What the hell are we wait-”, Finn’s voice made them freeze. His and twenty other pair of eyes looked at them with open mouth from the door Finn just opened. Apparently the bell rang, and apparently that classroom was taken for the next class.

f*ck.

Clarke felt Lexa’s arms tighten around her, in an unconscious attempt to shelter her from the stares, as she let her head fall in the crook of the brunette’s neck. She slowly dragged her hands out of Lexa’s shirt to let them linger on her waist, as she helped her hop off the teacher’s desk.

“Mm…I think, I think we should go Clarke”, Lexa whispered, letting her hand fall on her side and entwining their fingers together. Her delicate features were now a shade of red. A cute shade, Clarke internally considered. Ok, too much “cute” and “Lexa” in the same sentence, she corrected herself.

The two girls moved together to the door and the small audience let them walk away, not before receiving a death glare from Finn. Was he actually jealous? Hurt? Scorned that she could kiss someone in an empty classroom too?

In that moment, Clarke only felt Lexa’s delicate but strong hand in hers and brushed their shoulders together. “Well, I say mission accomplished. Yay!”, she threw one fist in the air, as if she had pon pons on and let out a small victorious laugh, met with a roll of eyes and a small grin from Lexa, who was still a bit pink. Probably the exact same shade on Clarke’s cheeks.

°°°

Lexa replayed the scene in her mind, while walking down the corridor after the last of her classes. She certainly wasn’t a prude, but the thought of so many people seeing her, on the teacher’s desk, with Clarke nestled between her legs…Well, be careful what you wish for. She was the one suggesting, - scratch that, demanding – to be kissed in front of the whole school. She didn’t exactly expect Clarke to comply that quickly and, most of all, she didn’t expect to like it that much.

She could admit it to herself and wasn’t so foolish to deny it. No point in that, considering that the fake relationship plan was on speed now. She, Lexa Woods, really really enjoyed kissing Clarke Griffin. Alias her almost nemesis, alias her complete opposite from upbringing to social status. And now her fake girlfriend who she liked kissing a bit too much.

Nice.

She tried to remember how kissing Costia was. Well, they certainly didn’t entertain a whole class with their making out, but it was sweet. Maybe sweeter than with Clarke, and filled with a feel of belonging one to the other that was completely and utterly crushed not more than ten days ago.

And the look of the people who saw them…ok, it was official, she could only think about that damn kiss: the way they tried to dominate one another, Clarke's full lips capturing hers and, most of all, the feel of her hands down her back. Ok, she had to address it for what it was: lust. Ant it wasn’t even that strange, come to think of it: it was only natural to be attracted to one of the most gorgeous girls in school. And, most importantly, she was now sure Clarke reciprocated. Meaning she probably felt the same rush of lust-

“Hey”, Raven was in front of her, with a knowing grin.

“Hello Raven”, she smiled lightly.

“So that was the reason for your sneaking out of the cafeteria! Well well…”, the Latina smirked at her.

f*ck. The news already spread: did anyone actually study in that school?

“Mm…we were a bit carried away”, it was the only thing that came to her mind. And she actually wasn’t Raven’s friend, she wasn’t comfortable speaking with her about something she still didn’t know how to address herself.

A vibration from her pocket distracted her from the conversation but she didn’t retrieve her cellphone immediately.

“Hey Ray”, Clarke’s voice came from behind her and she turned, “Lexa”.

She nodded in greeting, almost taken aback by the carefree smile on Clarke’s face. Ok, so the whole overthinking was just on her side.

Or maybe not. Leave it to the Latina to put a spotlight on your face: “Here we have the other half of the lascivious couple!”, and Clarke actually looked embarrassed.

Lexa took advantage of the fact that Raven’s mocking was now focused solely on Clarke to take out her cell.

Costia: Since when do you give free shows on desks?

Costia: I don't recognize you anymore, walking around like a puppy with that bitch

She froze in her place and Clarke must have noticed it, because she looked at her questioningly.

“It’s nothing, just my mum”, she tried to avert the blonde’s attention and feigned interest in the conversation between her and Raven.

Another vibration in her pocket.

Costia: I’ m sorry, I’ m just worried about you

She looked at the screen for a long moment, before she started typing, once again distracted from the conversation.

Lexa: I don’ t think it’s your concern anymore

Lame, even she could admit that, but she didn’t have much time to think and actually was a bit preoccupied by not letting Clarke see what was happening.

Costia: She ’ s using you Lex

She felt a pang of hurt when she read those words. What game was Costia playing?

She started typing again, oblivious of Clarke’s eyes on her.

Lexa: Let ’ s-

“Bye”, Clarke’s cold voice made her raise her head, interrupting her typing. The carefree grin on the blonde's face was gone, replaced by a stern look. What did Raven say to piss her of like that? And where was Raven?

“See you tomorrow Clarke”, she answered politely.

“Whatever”, the blonde turned and walked away without even a wave.

Clarke walked fast to her car, eager to put as much space between her and Lexa. She read it: the entire conversation. Did Lexa really think she bought the mum excuse? She actually didn’t mean to peek, but the screen was there and Lexa didn’t even try to cover it somehow.

So Costia stole her boyfriend and she was the bitch that corrupted Lexa. Good to know.

And what was Lexa writing? "Let’s" what? Meet, maybe.

A feel of betrayal invaded her chest. They weren’t really together but she fooled herself into expecting a bit of respect from the brunette. She thought again of their kiss, almost feeling Lexa’s fingers caress her jaw and the taste of her lips. Another pang.

Lexa didn’t even contradict Costia when she wrote Clarke was using her. Technically, it was Lexa using Clarke, considering who demanded to be f*cking kissed in front of the school. Well, probably Lexa thought it wasn’t the best thing to say to win back her little girlfriend.

She closed vehemently her car’s door, starting the engine. What the hell was she thinking? Of course Lexa would jump on the occasion to meet Costia again, maybe far from curious eyes.

And Clarke, what did she have? She felt kind of dirty. People saw her between a girl’s legs for God’s sake. A cheerleader with her new pray. And the sad part about the whole thing was that she didn’t even expect to be carried away that much, to feel that much.

It should have been a normal kiss, a fake one. Suddenly she felt exposed, now embarrassed of the moans Lexa certainly heard and ashamed of her stupid cheering when they walked out. How could she be so stupid and not see Lexa’s plan?

Chapter 7: Thursday never looking back pt.2

Chapter Text

Friday, finally. Lexa reached the parking lot, punctual as always. Only there she definitely realized something wasn’t right. Clarke’s car was not in its usual spot, and it was getting late. She looked again at her watch, resigning to enter without the blonde.

She checked her messages once more, only to see the thread of unanswered texts she sent Clarke, both from last night and this morning. Yesterday afternoon something happened, even if she couldn’t say what exactly.

Lexa: Hey, you left in a rush. Something the matter?

Lexa: Did Raven say something inappropriate? I hope you two can sort out whatever it is

She actually felt kind of bold last night, sending all those texts, but she couldn’t prevent herself. If she was honest with herself, she was kind of disappointed Clarke didn’t answer any of them. Especially when she spent her night pretending to watch a movie with her mum and thinking some more about their heated kiss in that classroom.

Lexa: Where are you?

She actually threw away any reservation and sent another one this morning, and she now looked at the small grey “read” under it. She told herself it was for the sake of the plan, but internally felt that something wasn’t right.

The morning passed and still no news. She opened the messages app again, just to confirm that Clarke didn’t answer. Closing it, she saw Costia’s thread under it.

Costia: I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you

Lexa: I don’t think it’s your concern anymore

Costia: She’s using you Lex

Lexa: Let’s just pretend this conversation never happened. Bye

Looking down at the screen, Lexa let out a breath. She couldn’t believe Costia could be so vicious to send those messages only after she heard of her and Clarke’s kiss. But that was not what really bothered in that moment. Why the hell was Clarke not answering right now? Maybe she was sick and still sleeping. Maybe so.

“Miss Woods, are you still with us?”, professor Kane’s voice made her focus on the book on the desk and not the mobile phone under it.

“I…yes, Mr Kane”, she tried to sound interested and concentrated. Epic fail.

Lexa gained a scorned look from the teacher, who graciously decided to let it go but letting her understand he didn’t actually believe her for one moment.

She tried, actually tried to remain focused for the rest of the class, but the blonde’s unread message and Costia’s attempt to mine their relationship was all she could think of. Their relationship: it was so strange jet so easy to define their plan an actual relationship.

By the end of the last class she briefly pondered if going to the cafeteria was a good idea: considering Clarke was not there, she wasn’t sure if sitting with her group of friends was ok. Still, they could know what was wrong with Clarke.

She entered the crowded room, walked to the central table and immediately was rescued by Lincoln.

“Hey Lexa”, the boy smiled and took a chair out from under the table for her.

“Hello Lincoln”, she took a sit, not actually hungry at all. She stared directly at Raven, who was peacefully eating her lunch in front of her. The Latina continued for a bit, but raised her eyes when she felt she was observed.

“Ehm…yes?” Raven asked, looking around and raising her eyebrows.

“Do you know where Clarke is?”, she asked directly. The blonde left pissed after her conversation with Raven, so Raven was the best person to tell her what the hell happened.

“At home, probably?” she answered with an interrogative tone, as if she was surprised to be asked it. She actually grinned at Lexa’s lost expression. “Oh, you’re in trouble Woods”.

Lexa frowned, “Why would I be?”. What was Raven talking about?

The girl actually let out a small laugh, as if she knew something Lexa ignored. “Well if you don’t know where your girlfriend is, she probably isn’t answering her phone. And if she isn’t, it can only mean you did something to her and I would actually bet on it, considering the way she left yesterday”, she explained with a knowing look.

Lexa’s eyes widened. She did something to Clarke? Wasn’t it Raven the one who pissed her off?

Raven confused Lexa’s incredulous expression as a confirmation, “What? I’m observant!”, then she rolled her eyes, “And I tried to make her tell me why she was angry but she was evasive, like really evasive”.

Octavia was listening to the conversation and decided to put Lexa out of what she thought was misery. “The official version of it is that she’s home because she has a bit of a flu”, she explained, “But I’d try to talk to her if I were you, Clarke is big on keeping up grudges and usually makes things bigger than how they actually are”.

Ok, regroup. Lexa took a big breath and tried to gather her ideas. So apparently Clarke was ill and mad with her for something she didn’t even realize she did. And that was the reason she didn’t answer.

“Thanks”, she answered curtly, before grabbing her backpack and in that moment her phone started to vibrate. For a second she hoped it was Clarke, but the vibration continued: her alarm.

f*ck, iCalendar reminded her of her part time shift at the local cafeteria. Four hours, from 4 pm to 8 pm, to cover for Luna. She checked her watch: she had another class, then had to leave immediately and hope the bus was on time. She actually wanted to go directly to Clarke’s place but she couldn’t afford to skip her shift, especially after she lost so many because of detention.

Lexa resigned herself to go in search of the blonde immediately after the shift and tried to think of a credible excuse for her adoptive mother. Great.

°°°

Clarke was in her room, wearing leggins and a baggy white shirt full of stains. Paintbrush in hand, she drew a black line on the edge of the big canvas she was working on. She inhaled the sent of paint and felt her body relax a bit more, even if her back hurt for the long hours she spent standing.

That was the only thing in the world that could actually relax her and make all the bad thoughts disappear completely in a drawer far away in her mind. She covered her mouth as she coughed: she was actually a bit sick, she just emphasized it a bit for the benefit of her father.

Thank God, this morning her mother was still on shift and she only had her father to convince she couldn’t go to school because she had the flu. Lame excuse actually, and her father didn’t seem totally convinced but still let her remain in bed for the rest of the morning. He even brought her some black tea for breakfast, before leaving for work.

She drew another line.

Her cell phone was abandoned on her nightstand, not checked since that morning. Clarke thought back of Lexa’s messages and felt a pang of anger and disappointment at the brunette, but also at herself. ‘Cause she was actually tempted to answer them, ‘cause a part of her found them damn cute. Pity was that the rational part of her couldn’t stop thinking of that damn “Let’s” on her screen, while she was answering Costia’s bitchy texts.

She couldn’t believe Lexa was actually answering them, even if it was only logical. The point of the whole plan.

Her brushes became more convulse, but still accurate. In the aftermath of one of the worst fights with her mother, she discovered that even if she was upset, her hand was always still.

She imagined Lexa, today at school. Did she search for her? Did she wait in the parking lot? Or maybe she was supposed to meet Costia this morning and wasn’t planning of waiting for her. Damn.

She had never been so happy to be home and felt sick at the idea of that parking lot, of a class full of people with still curious stares, of Lexa, of Costia and Finn.

Now her paintbrush drew a new circle, deep green. She made that colour mixing greens and blacks to reach the right shade, but only when she saw it on canvas could see what was her inspiration. Her mind went back at yesterday’s kiss, at Lexa’s opened green eyes, looking at her with a reverence and lust that she was sure wasn’t fake, not entirely at least.

She painted some more, determined to stop thinking about Lexa’s eyes, Finn’s crude expression, Costia’s cruel texts. She stopped only when she realized she was painting in the dark, because the sun was almost totally set.

The room was in twilight and she moved to switch on the light, when she heard a familiar engine coming in the driveway.

f*cking perfect. Her father was easy, but her mother was a totally different matter. Especially now that she couldn’t even hide what she was doing, because she lost track of time and the front door was already opening.

She resigned at the umpteenth discussion, even if a part of her hoped that her mum could be condescending, just this once.

“Clarke, where are you? Your father told me you didn’t go to school today”, she spoke from the entrance, but Clarke heard her steps on the stairs.

She covered the canvas with a sheet and sat at her desk, waiting for Abby to enter. Here we go.

“Yes, I wasn’t feeling very well”, she answered curtly, even if she saw her mother’s eyes searching and finding the paint on her hands and clothes.

Abby’s stare was now hard. “Well you actually seem fine to me, considering you’re painting”.

Clarke took a breath. She didn’t have the force for another argument. “I was just distracting myself. I took an aspirin for the headache a few hours ago”, she tried to explain, with shallow voice.

“How many times do we have to go over it, Clarke?”, Abby’s voice was resigned but still sharp. “Painting is-”

Any other day she could take the lecture, but today was the wrong one. She stood up from the chair. “Painting is what I like to do mother, I’m allowed to have free time I think”

“That’s not the point and you know it. Do you think I didn’t see the brochures from the Fine Art Academy? Do you think I am actually that blind?”

Clarke felt anger grow inside her. Maybe it wasn’t all because of her mother’s words but they certainly fuelled it. “So what? What harm does it make to try to send the application? Some people actually appreciate what I do, the curator of the gallery downtown said-”, eyes wide, she pointed at the covered canvas and tried to explain for de millionth time, maybe this time her mother would listen, just to be interrupted.

“-What did I say about you wasting time there?”, Abby raised her voice, “Drawing isn’t a job, Clarke. You are a bright student, with a future waiting for you. You can enter every med school in the country if you just focus on it and it is so important that you-”

“What, mother? What is so important that I do?”, Clarke raised her voice, just to let out a bitter laugh, “Why can’t you just accept me?”

Her mother took a breath. “What, you want me to accept that you are wasting your talent?”

“No I want you to accept I will never be like you”, Clarke actually screamed this time.

Talent: what did her mother know about her talents? She thought at the unfinished canvas and at the gallery owner’s words after seeing her portfolio: if she could present a mature work, she could exhibit it there at the New Talents exhibition. Her work, shown with the best young artists of the State. That was what she tried to explain her mother. That was her f*cking talent.

Abby was on the verge to explode, eyes hard, hands closed into fists. They were so similar in that moment that Clarke almost wanted to laugh.

Ding dong.

°°°

Lexa put her cell phone back in her pocket, resigned not to receive an answer to her text.

Lexa: I’m coming to your place

She actually just sent it to let Clarke know that she was coming. Out of politeness, she told herself.

She ended her shift half an hour ago and rushed to take the last bus to Clarke’s suburban neighbourhood, determined to speak with the girl. Was Clarke angry at her? Fine, but she at least deserved to know why. She felt anger grow in her own stomach: they talked about answering texts, they agreed on planning and being a team and now it was rollercoster again. One day they were fine, actually more than fine, the next Clarke was giving her the silent treatment.

She wasn’t looking forward to meeting Clarke’s mother again, but there was no other way.

Lexa saw the lights behind the large windows of the house - So they are home – and ringed the bell without further thinking. No point now.

She waited patiently for the door to open and heard noises from the inside, only to meet Abby’s spirited eyes as she opened it.

“Hello ms. Griffin, I’m here to see Clarke. I brought her homeworks and notes after today’s absence”, she raised a notebook she had cleverly taken out of her backpack. She actually didn’t even know witch classes Clarke missed today, but it was a solid excuse for her presence there so late.

“Lexa, this isn’t actually a good mom-” Abby’s words were interrupted by the sound of steps down the stairs. They both turned, only to see Clarke grab her jacket and keys and lightly push her mother to walk out of the door. Lexa’s eyes encountered Abby’s in a silent question. What the hell is happening?

Clarke’s eyes registered Lexa’s presence at the entrance but was too upset to ask herself why the brunette was there. Sorry Woods, useless trip.

She stepped out of the porch without a word and opened the door of her car, parked in front of the house.

“Clarke!”, the blonde heard Lexa’s voice calling her. She didn’t turn and just opened the door to sit on the driver’s seat. “For God’s sake, Griffin!”. Lexa turned her back on Abby’s incredulous expression and followed Clarke to her car, stopping her from closing the door.

“Leave it, Woods”, Clarke wasn’t looking at her and just tried to close the door, without succeeding.

“Not before you tell me what’s happening”, Lexa tried to reason.

Finally Clarke turned and fixed her angry blue eyes at her. “I fought with her, I’m furious with you and I want to leave. Now step back”. She tried to close the door again.

Lexa rolled her eyes, opening the back door to put her backpack and jacket inside the car.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”, Clarke was outraged. Couldn’t Lexa just let her have her meltdown alone?

“I’m coming with you”, Lexa answered curtly, before going around the car to the passenger’s seat. She closed the door and put the seatbelt on.

Clarke looked at her threateningly, and turned on the engine.

°°°

“Will you please slow down?”, Lexa was exasperated. It was really hot in that car, and the speed didn’t actually help her nerves.

Clarke didn’t even look at her and kept on driving.

“Could you at least tell me why the f*ck are you mad at me?”, Lexa tried again, and this time Clarke turned. If a stare could kill.

“Did you see her?”, she asked accusingly.

Lexa raised her eyebrows. What the hell was she talking about? “Who?”

“Your f*cking girlfriend Lexa, who’s actually kind of bitchy if you ask me-”, Clarke started screaming at her. Every barrier had fallen and she couldn’t stop herself anymore.

“Clarke! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”, she interrupted the blonde, who was now shouting without contain. “Why on earth would I want to see Costia right now?”

“Because I saw your texts! I saw what she wrote about me and what you answered!”

“You peeked when I was texting?”, Lexa was incredulous, but now everything actually made sense. Only she didn’t know why Clarke was talking about her meeting Costia.

“Of course I did!”, Clarke answered with indignation, as if it was the most obvious thing to do. “Next time you text with her in front of me try at least to be a bit subtle!”

Lexa couldn’t believe what she heard. “So now it’s my fault ‘cause you read my texts without permission?”

“No, it’s your fault because you’re a bitch!”, Clarke screamed, before stopping the car under a overpass with a rough brake.

And Lexa started laughing, taking her seat belt off and leaving Clarke mute for the first time that evening. “I’m a bitch?”, she chuckled, seemingly amused by Clarke choice of words.

“She is more, actually, ‘cause she stole my boyfriend but still thinks I’m the slu*t corrupting you”, the blonde continued, with a serious expression on her face, but a bit put off by Lexa’s reaction.

“Ok, and apparently I am a bitch because I met her?”, Lexa asked, still a bit amused.

“Will you please stop? It’s not a joke”, it came out almost like a whine. Now that she wasn’t driving, Clarke didn’t actually know how to channel her frustration.

Lexa put a hand in her pocket to retrieve her iPhone and unblocked it, opening the message thread. Then threw it in Clarke’s lap. “There, now you can read it better”.

The brunette turned, looking out of the window with the elbow on the armrest. She couldn’t believe she was in the middle of nowhere, under a dark overpass, with a screaming Griffin. And all of this because of a misinterpreted text.

Clarke silently took the phone and read.

Lexa: Let’s just pretend this conversation never happened. Bye

Her cheeks turned pink and she closed her eyes, pressing the button to shut the screen. Clarke took a big breath, unsure of what to say. “So…”

“So we can safely say that you ability of prevision is sh*t”, Lexa completed the phrase, with a hint of amusem*nt in her voice. What was the point in getting angry? She knew Clarke was totally unpredictable and she actually found her reaction weirdly funny.

Clarke closed her eyes, passing her phone back to Lexa. “I’m sorry ok? I overreacted”. That much she could admit.

“So did you just plan to scream at me or did you also want to call off the plan…for the second time I might add”, Lexa couldn’t help herself asking it, even if her tone was not angry.

“Screaming at you was all I planned, at least for now. I’m more of an improvising kind of girl”, Clarke’s head was reversed on the headrest, but a small smile picked from her lips.

Lexa looked around herself. “Yeah, I noticed”.

They were parked in the dark, only the far noise of cars above their heads. She cleared her voice before asking, “So, what did your mother do? Did she also want to meet with Costia?”, she tried to joke, but easily detected how her mother wasn’t an easy topic for Clarke.

“More like she…”, Clarke stopped, not actually wanting to talk about her mother. “You know what? Would you like to see something?”. Diverting was officially her middle name.

Clarke saw the glint of interest in Lexa’s eyes. The brunette certainly noticed her not answering the question about her mother, but she looked intrigued by her proposal. “Last time you asked me something like that, I found myself agreeing to be your fake girlfriend”.

Clarke let out a grin, rolling her eyes. It was probably the first joke ever about their crazy situation and it somehow lightened her mood.

“C’mon, get out of the car”, she intimated, getting out herself after switching on the headlights again and opened the trunk.

Lexa walked cautiously in front of the car, sheltering her eyes with a hand from the offending sliver of light. “Is it an interrogation and a summary execution? You already have my phone and all my deepest secrets in it”. Her shadow was projected on the concrete wall behind her.

Clarke reached her, with a black duffel bag full of metallic things. “Ok Griffin, this is becoming less interesting and more creepy”, Lexa looked a bit uncertain, even if she didn’t move from where she was.

Clarke chuckled, throwing the bag on the ground and opening it, to reveal a dozen spray cans of different colours. She saw Lexa’s shadow on the wall and grabbed a dark green can and a black one. Then moved behind Lexa.

“Ok Mike Tyson, relax and mimic throwing a punch, then stay there and don’t move”. Lexa took a deep breath and turned slightly to look at Clarke, before doing what she asked.

“I can’t believe you’re damaging public property and I am your accomplice”

“Relax and let me work”, Clarke started tracing Lexa’s projected silhouette on the wall, as if she did it a thousand times.

“So is this how cheerleaders spend their free time?”, Lexa couldn’t see Clarke working but heard the spraying and the cans being agitated.

“Only the reckless ones”, Clarke answered distractedly, before starting to trace lines of other colours around Lexa’s shape. “Ok now move, you perfect muse of mine. I can’t see a thing if you cover the light”.

Lexa leaned on the hood of the car, the light of the headlights reflecting on her face as she watched Clarke work.

The blonde was on her knees, drawing a new figure flying down after the punch, then added other lines. An arena.

The lines that seemed casual just a second before made now perfect sense in the composition and Lexa was mesmerized by the ability of the blonde, who expertly changed cans and mixed their colour.

Lexa saw a new stain of red acrylic on Clarke’s arm. She couldn’t avoid making a mess.

Clarke worked silently for a few minutes more, before standing up and throwing the can she had in hand in the duffel bag. She walked backwards, still looking at the wall that now was bright with colour and moving figures. She brushed her blonde hair away from her face and put her dirty hands in the back pocket of her jeans, then turned to look at Lexa. She didn’t notice how delicate her features were with artificial light. Clarke’s hands felt the urge to grab a pencil and draw.

“So, what do you think?”

“I think that I caught the graffiti vandal who ravaged school walls”, Lexa grinned back, crossing her arms on her chest and moving to stand next to Clarke. Her shoulder touched hers. “This is actually incredible Clarke”, she almost whispered.

The sincerity in her voice touched something deep in the blonde girl. Did Lexa actually believe in what she said?

Lexa pointed at the small tag in the right corner of the graffiti. “WND. What does it stand for?”

Clarke followed her finger, shrugging. “I had to find an alias and I chose Wanheda, it’s an ancient divinity of war. So WND”

The two remained silently next to each other, contemplating the graffiti of a black and green figure with long hair punch another blue and yellow one to the ground. Around them, an indefinite crowd that seemed to be screaming and watching from the bleachers of an arena. Everything was tridimensional and it almost looked like you could enter the scene only by walking through the wall.

“This wasn’t actually my finest moment, Clarke”, Lexa lightly admonished. The blonde represented exactly the punch fiasco in the cafeteria with Finn.

“It’s a celebration Lex”, Clarke whispered. Lexa turned slightly: this was the first time the blonde used the shortened nickname to call her. She actually liked how easily it rolled out of her mouth.

“A celebration of what?”

“Of how it all started. If you didn’t throw that punch, we wouldn’t be here now, together, looking at a wreck of public property in the sh*ttiest part of town”. Clarke chuckled, a bit shy now, feeling Lexa’s eyes on her. “I am really sorry about the whole peeking at your texts thing, I’m not good at trusting people apparently”, she lowered her eyes.

“And I am sorry I didn’t tell you Costia was texting me. It’s just that Raven was there and I reacted poorly. I didn’t mean to upset you”. Lexa’s words were tender, more tender than Clarke expected. The blonde didn’t even try to deny she was upset and that she felt that way because she felt betrayed, again.

Clarke moved back to the car, feeling instantly tired. She sat in the passenger’s seat, legs still out of the car, and felt more than saw Lexa following her.

Clarke closed her eyes, abandoned on the seat , “Are we going to talk about the kiss?”. She had a small resigned smile on her face, as if she was waiting for the inevitable. “I don’t know if I have to apologize for that too”, she timidly said.

Lexa looked at her, confused. The blonde girl lying inside the car seemed so peaceful and jet so sad at the same time. Her golden locks sparse on the seat, a shade of green paint on her pink cheek.

“Why would you apologize? I…I reciprocated it and-”, Lexa stopped. It was now or never, no hiding, especially now that Clarke was so vulnerable. “And I actually enjoyed it quite a bit”. There, said. The brunette gazed at Clarke, waiting for her answer.

She saw the blonde open her eyes and look at her. “I…”. I enjoyed it too, Clarke wanted to say. Instead she added, “After Costia’s texts that we are not mentioning again, I felt I kind of overstepped. Like I took advantage of you somehow, and the position we found ourselves in was a bit compromising, even if I like good shows”. Clarke said pointedly, thinking back of the way she was nestled between Lexa’s legs.

Ok, Lexa was confused and a bit ashamed of having admitted she liked it. “Do you regret it?”. f*ck, what was she thinking? How could she misinterpret so badly Clarke’s feelings?

It was Clarke’s turn to seem confused. “Regret it?”, she rolled her eyes. “No Lex, I don’t regret making out with a hot girl on a desk”, she said as if it was obvious, “What I regret is giving you and apparently the whole school the impression that I’m…I’m easy”.

Oh. Lexa thought back of Costia’s texts and now everything made more sense. Clarke felt like Costia accused her of using her, like Lexa was some shy little girl waiting to be corrupted by the provocative cheerleader.

Lexa took a breath and kneeled in front of the blonde, putting her hands on her knees. “Believe me when I say that you’re not easy. There is nothing easy about you, at all”.

Clarke arked her eyebrows, looking in Lexa’s green eyes, open and sincere. She felt a rush of electricity from Lexa’s hands.

Lexa’s grip on her knees tightened. “Listen to me. You are intense, totally out of control, passionate, creative like no one I’ve ever met and the complete opposite of easy”. She took a breath: she involuntarily made Clarke feel vulnerable and it was time to make it right. “And that kiss…I wanted to kiss you like that, I am far from a prude and was in total control of my actions. Nothing that happened in that room was because you took advantage of the situation and, even if I still find you annoying as hell from time to time, I was completely comfortable kissing you and have probably continued doing it if they didn’t interrupt us”. Ok, now everything was out: she practically told Clarke she was attracted to her physically.

Sounds of police sirens in the distance. Then, not so distant. In a minute, immediately near.

Lexa felt her blood run cold. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.

She immediately stood up, running to retrieve the duffel bag with the spray cans. “Get in the car and close the door!” she shouted at Clarke, who looked at her with terrified eyes. “Close the f*cking door Clarke!”

Sirens nearer and nearer.

Lexa opened the trunk and threw the bag inside before reaching for the driver’s seat. Closed the door, thank God keys were in the dash, then she started the engine. The headlights illuminated for the last time the graffiti, before Lexa put the reverse gear in, pressing the speed.

The Chevrolet turned on itself and entered the dark road from where they came.

Ok, ok focus. Lexa tried to think rationally: it was too dark for anyone to have taken their licence plate, Clarke’s white car was totally out of context in that part of town, made only by factories and sheds. Maybe someone from security has seen the lights of the car and decided to call the police.

Lexa continued driving quietly, sirens almost behind them and only a pair of trucks on the street. Then, she saw blue lights blinking in her rear-view mirror.

“f*ck, f*ck”, she heard Clarke whisper.

“Clarke, look at me”, she turned to the blonde, to check her state of mind. f*ck, really? How did she managed to cover herself in paint from arms to face? “Put your seatbelt on, take a handkerchief and brush off the colour stain on your cheek. There’s my leather jacket in the back seat, put it on and cover your arms. Don’t be scared and act normal”.

Clarke took a deep breath, blue lights reflected on her face. The sirens were still turned on, now just behind them. She looked at herself in the small mirror and moistened the handkerchief to brush the stain on her cheek, then grabbed the leather jacket and put it on.

Another look from Lexa, just a second before a metallic voice from a speaker shouted: “Stop the car”.

Lexa obliged, relenting and then stopping on the side of the street. She took in Clarke’s terrified eyes, even if she tried to control her emotions. Ok, they could do it.

She pulled the car window down. “Good evening, Officer”, Lexa and Clarke’s faces became illuminated by a sliver of light from a torch and both girls half-closed their eyes.

“Good evening, miss. Can I see your driving licence please?”

Lexa rummaged through her backpack between Clarke’s feet to retrieve her wallet and give the driving licence to the officer. “I’ll be right back, stay in the car please”.

Both girls remained completely silent. Lexa’s hands were gripping the wheel, Clarke’s fists covered by the jacket’s sleeves. The blonde inhaled, feeling sheltered in that jacket. The leather scent that she now associated with Lexa kept her grounded.

“Ok miss Woods, is this your car?”, the officer returned, giving the driving licence back to Lexa.

“No, it’s hers – she pointed at Clarke, who tried to show her best innocent smile – She isn’t comfortable driving by night, so I’m taking her home”.

“We were called because a guardian saw some writers dirtying walls around here. Did you see something suspicious while you were driving?”, the police officer was a bit inquisitive, but Lexa knew he didn’t have any suspicions and thanked God Clarke had her jacket on her stained shirt.

“No, but I was concentrated on driving, it’s very dark out here”, she put on the most ingenuous expression she could monster.

“Have a safe drive, miss Woods”. The officer touched the peak of his hat and left. Lexa remained parked, waiting for the police car to pass them and disappear. Then she put her forehead on the wheel.

“f*ck”, she breathed, adrenaline running through her veins. Lexa felt Clarke do the same. That was really, really close. In a flash, Lexa saw Clarke and herself being dragged in a police station and felt her blood boil in fear.

Lexa ignited the engine, still completely silent.

“Lex…”, after a while Clarke called her name and looked around, not recognising that part of town. “Mm…not that I don’t enjoy driving in circle, but where exactly are we going?”

“We’re going to a bar”, Lexa stated, calmly as if it was an obvious answer.

Clarke widened her blue eyes, brushing hair away from her face. “A bar?”, she raised her eyebrows, grinning. So Lexa had a hidden reckless side.

“Yes. I think after what happened we both need a drink. It’s still Friday night after all”. Lexa never took her eyes of the road, but let out a small smirk.

“Ok, and what bar to you think would serve us alcohol without asking for an Id?”

“My sister’s. We’re both eighteen already and technically we can’t buy but we can consume. Plus, it’s almost closing time, so only the locals will be there and no one bothered before”. Clarke looked at her, incredulous. Now Lexa’s intention to become a lawyer made sense.

Lexa stopped the car in a dark parking lot, in front of a bar with a red sign: Grounders. Clarke’s white car seemed totally out of context, between motorcycles and pickups.

“So, your sister runs a bar”, the blonde stated, trying to mask her astonishment. They both got out of the car, Lexa closed it and gave the keys back to Clarke, who now had her hands in the jacket’s pockets as if it was hers.

“Yes, she’s a few years older than us”. Lexa couldn’t deny she liked how Clarke wore her worn out jacket and how well the morbid leather hugged her shoulders.

“A bar for bikers”, Clarke added.

“Not strictly, and she actually likes to let bands play live”, she added. The door was closed but the noise could be heard from the outside, even if it came a bit muffled.

Clarke imperceptibly went near Lexa, who was surprisingly at ease in that context. “Does your sister know about-” Clarke rolled her eyes: it was still hard to say it. “About us I mean?”

Lexa turned, opening the door to let her in. “Yes Clarke. She actually follows you on Instagram and harassed me about that photo you put on. She thinks you’re cute, by the way”, the brunette’s tone was still a bit shaky, probably after the encounter with the police.

“Well, from what you said before she’s not the only Woods who thinks I’m hot”. Clarke let out a chuckle and Lexa rolled her eyes, brushing her shoulder against Clarke and turning a bit pink. “Relax Woods, it’s only natural”, she lightly mocked the brunette.

Clarke tightened her hold on Lexa’s hand and let her lead her inside. Ok, since when was she so flirtatious with Lexa? Probably since she admitted to herself that the brunette was definitely cute. And a good kisser.

“Well well, look what the cat brought in”, Anya’s smirking voice came from the counter, where the older girl was drying some glasses. A few curious eyes turned to look at them, at Clarke most of all.

Lexa arched her eyebrows, “Hey An. This is Clarke”. They both walked in the small bar, the band on the makeshift stage was putting instruments in their cases and the few patrons remained were waiting for the last call.

Anya’s scrutinizing eyes fixed on Clarke, without even trying to mask it. Her stare concentrated on Lexa’s jacket, which Clarke wore. Clarke felt a bit self conscious, until Lexa’s fingers entwined with hers again. The brunette looked daringly at her sister, whom she knew could be quite intimidating. They were there to unwind a bit in a secure place after the almost arrest, not to meet family.

“Stop staring Anya, it’s creepy”, Lexa pointed at Clarke the last booth in the furthest corner. The blonde let Lexa lead the way, a bit uncomfortable to be scrutinized like that by the older girl. She liked Anya more when she was teasing her sister online about her Facebook status.

They both sat down and Anya came after them with two small beers. “That’s it for the night kids, I hope your girlfriend likes beer Lex, ‘cause that’s all you’re having”, she said, underlining with her voice the word girlfriend. “Besides, I’m closing up soon”. And with that she left.

Lexa followed her with her eyes, letting out a smile. “And that is my sister”, she grabbed the glass of beer, raising it, “Cheers”. She lightly touched Clarke’s glass, before taking a big sip.

“You are full of surprises, Lexa Woods”, Clarke looked at her, lips touching the glass.

Lexa smiled a bit, “Yeah well, Anya’s the crazy one: my mum always says she adopted me to balance her”, she smiled, thinking of Indra’s serious face and felt a pang of regret, thinking of what could have happened that night.

“You two are adopted?”, Clarke’s intense stare was now serious.

Lexa nodded, taking another sip. “It’s only my mum, Anya and me. Mine’s not a traditional family but I wouldn’t have it any other way”.

And something clicked in Clarke’s head. The fact that Lexa worked after school and her anger for the detention.

“Don’t look at me like that”, Lexa detected the change of mood in Clarke as soon as she said she was adopted. “I have a happy family and I was raised to believe I can do anything I want in my life, as long as I try my best. That’s more a lot of people can say about their families”.

It was Clarke’s turn to look away. She didn’t pity Lexa, she was just surprised. Nobody in school knew her story, even after four years together in class. Plus, she actually felt ashamed because she just assumed the most brilliant girl of their year would live in a big white house with only studying in mind.

Lexa put down the glass, looking at the amber liquid. “Now that we avoided prison together and we are at the open-hearted confessions part of the night, would you tell me why you fought with your mum?”

Clarke scrutinized her, then looked at her hands, still dirty of spray can colour. “Long story short, she doesn’t want me to pursue art. Pity is that it’s almost all I want to do”, she put her hands back in Lexa’s jacket pockets.

“But you’re crazy talented”, Lexa argued. She couldn’t believe Abby Griffin would impose her daughter to let go of her passion.

“Art is not a real career”, she mimicked her mother’s voice. “She wants me to follow in her footsteps and become a doctor and I deluded myself into thinking that if I kept high grades and still could find time to do art, she would finally let me at least try to do something with it”, she looked away. “Well, tonight I realized I was wrong once again”.

Lexa was on the verge of answering, when a voice called her from behind.

“Hey Lex, long time no see”, a deep voice made her turn. Ontari, one of the locals that always hanged in Anya’s bar, was looking at her with a lascivious smirk. She didn’t even look at Clarke and leaned on their table, putting her elbows on it. “Your sister told me what happened with that girl you brought here a couple of times…not worth it anyway”, she allusively smirked and leaned a bit more in Lexa’s direction.

She was going to literally kill Anya. What the f*ck was she thinking, gossiping with Ontari? She instantly felt embarrassed by Ontari’s evident flirting. Ok, they hanged around for a bit before she met Costia, but Ontari was definitely not her type and she actually was annoyed at the way she abruptly interrupted her and Clarke’s conversation. And most of all, bothered by what Clarke was thinking right now.

Who the hell was this now? Clarke raised her eyebrows, looking at the leather dressed girl, who was literally throwing herself at Lexa as if she wasn’t even there. She saw Anya look at the scene from the counter and sent her a daring stare: she was definitely not in the mood to be put down by evil sisters or motorbike bitches.

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand on the table, lightly entwining their fingers and daring the new girl to say something. She saw Lexa slightly widen her eyes but the brunette immediately held her hand. She played with her fingers a bit, while Ontari was still talking, then took Lexa’s forearm, making her move towards her.

“Catch up with your friend Lex, I’m going to the toilet”, she said in her most flirtatious voice, without even looking at Ontari. She put a finger under Lexa’s chin and pressed her lips lightly on hers, then she just stood up and left for the bathroom, hands playing with the zip of the leather jacket.

Lexa’s eyes didn’t leave Clarke's back, the touch of her lips still fresh on hers, and she didn’t even notice Ontari leaving with a snort.

Chapter 8: Friday never hesitate pt.1

Chapter Text

“Did you see them fight?”, the girl’s curious voice was too high not to be heard in the small bathroom.

“Not directly, but Jessica from my History class told me Finn and Costia were at each other’s throats. Like reeeally arguing about something. She swears Finn was livid and she run away almost in tears”, the other one said, conspiratorially.

“And you believe her? If it’s true, they lasted less than a month”, the first girl observed.

“Well maybe it’s just a crisis…And if Collins needs some consoling, I’m totally available!”, she whispered, giggling.

Well if you want to keep it a secret, better not shout it in a toilet during lunch break. As the two girls went out, Lexa exited from the small bunk and washed her hands.

The brunette had her gym bag on her shoulder and was ready to skip lunch and eat something quickly on the way to the racetrack before practice.

Walking down the hallway, she retrieved her phone.

Lexa: Hey, I’m skipping lunch and going directly to practice. See you later Picasso

Better safe than sorry. She had no desire to sedate another potential crisis with the blonde, so decided to follow through with her plan of planning and teamwork. First rule: always let the other know of a change of schedule.

Clarke: Run Lexa, run! Bet your life is like a box of chocolates ;)

The brunette rolled her eyes at the mocking, but actually wore a half grin during the entire walk from the hallway to the lockers in the gym.

She decided against letting Clarke know about what she heard in the bathroom anyway. It wasn’t something to be said via text and it actually was from an unreliable source, she debated between herself.

She couldn’t deny the small pang she felt, after hearing the two gossip girls’ words.

If Finn and Costia were no longer together, her and Clarke’s plan succeeded and they no longer needed to fake a relationship anymore. She couldn’t name the reason, but the sole idea made her feel uncomfortable, inevitably starting to think of how they would break up. Now that the were doing so good. Who would break up with who?

She tried to get rid of the thought and suddenly all she could think of was the sensation of Clarke’s hand in hers that morning before entering, fingers loosely entwined. That, and the blonde’s laugh while she told her about Abby’s outburst the morning after their night at Anya’s bar and her father uselessly trying to defend her.

Lexa took a breath, maybe the two girls were just repeating some made up gossip. No need to be worried.

She looked at her watch: she was late for practice. She tried to concentrate and run to the lockers to go change.

°°°

Clarke was seated at the bleachers. She had no cheerleading practice that day and couldn’t prevent herself after receiving Lexa’s text: she was kind of curious to see her in her own environment. And she was the girlfriend after all, it was only natural she went to see Lexa’s practice after lunch.

She immediately noticed the stares from the other few people there. Track racing wasn’t exactly the most popular sport in school and a cheerleader sitting there was quite a scoop.

Clarke put her bag down, leaning to the railing and closing her cardigan, because the breeze was becoming chilly. She tried to make out where Lexa was but she knew next to nothing about athletics and had no idea in which group the brunette was supposed to be.

After a few minutes of scanning the field and the track around it, she finally saw her. Doing push-ups. She inadvertently leaned out. Lexa had her hair pulled in a ponytail and was wearing a skinny t-shirt with the school colours, that emphasized her long neck and straight shoulders, and even shorter shorts under it-

“Clarke! Fancy seeing you here!”, Octavia’s voice distracted her and she turned to see the brunette girl coming in her direction and sitting near her.

“O...What are you doing here? I’m seriously thinking you’re going to start a Lexa Fanclub”. Clarke was resigned to the fascination Octavia had for Lexa but didn’t think it could lead her to the extent of following her to practice.

“Sorry Griffin, I know your girl is hot as hell but my boy is too, and I actually get to make out with him”, she grinned pointing at Lincoln, who was doing some warm up exercises on the other side of the field.

They sat almost in silence for the whole practice, each one of them following their respective partner’s moves and exchanging comments from time to time.

Clarke saw the concentration on Lexa’s face each time she was asked to do an exercise. Jumps, sprints and field laps. She was definitely the leader. The other members of the team looked up to her, letting her lead and dictate the speed of the run and asking her things Clarke couldn’t make out from where she was.

Her eyes went to Lexa’s slender but muscular legs and for a second she replayed their heated kiss on the desk. She felt those same legs on her hips, keeping her solidly in place. Her mouth became dry. Ok, that shorts should be illegal: and they say cheerleaders wear clothes too tight.

At some point, Lexa went to talk briefly with Lincoln. Then the two of them turned to look at the bleachers: Lincoln immediately directed one of her easy similes at Octavia, who jumped on her feet and waved. Lexa’s eyes crossed Clarke’s and the two girls exchanged looks.

Clarke could see the stupor written on Lexa’s face and she did the only thing she could think of: tucking her hair back, she stood up and send her a small wave. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, after all. For all the others knew, Clarke had a perfectly good reason to be there.

Lexa answered her with one of her rare full smiles, the ones that reached her green eyes and made them sparkle.

“Well…I say we’re both kind of lucky”, Octavia whispered to her, leaning on Clarke’s shoulder, her eyes never leaving Lincoln and Lexa, who now were running, dictating the pace for the others.

“We kind of are, O”, Clarke found herself answering.

When the practice ended, Clarke was dragged by Octavia inside the school again to wait for Lincoln and Lexa.

“Hey baby!”, both of them turned and Clarke only had time to register Octavia being lift up in the air by Lincoln. They kissed for a minute, completely ignoring her, then Lincoln looked at her, having the good sense to feel embarrassed. “Clarke, sorry! Mm…Hi! Lexa’s going to come out soon”.

And here she was, hair still a bit wet, wearing the school hoody with sleeves rolled up. She was relaxed, face open and without any make up. Lexa scrutinized her: Clarke knew that confused expression all too well, even if Lexa’s unperturbed face masked well her astonishment at seeing her there.

Clarke looked at her with a grin, “Surprise”.

Lexa let out a small smile, coming near her. Ok, now? Octavia and Lincoln were in each others arms, but the brunette could see them looking in their general direction. “Hello, Clarke” was all she could say, not sure if it was ok to touch her, hug her or whatever they were supposed to do in public. Except they were not in public, just in front of two of their friends who couldn’t even fake disinterest ad were now looking at them.

Clarke looked at Lexa and her unsure expression, like she didn’t know how to behave in front of the others. She smiled at her a little bit more encouragingly, with a hint of a dare in her eyes. Let’s see how you can play this game.

Then she felt the brunette’s gentle hands on her hips and let herself be dragged lightly against her for a hug. She smelled Lexa’s sweet perfume, the fresh scent of her shampoo and unconsciously tightened her hold on Lexa’s waist.

Lexa was still surprised to see Clarke there and to have her in her arms, like it was the most natural thing on earth. But most of all, she was surprised by her own ease at holding her close. She felt the blonde’s nose on her jaw and her lips tickling her neck, forming another grin. Goosebumps run up her arms and Clarke’s smile widened playfully the second she became aware of the reaction of her body.

In response, Lexa turned her head and kissed Clarke on the temple, keeping her lips there for a moment. “Stop it”, she whispered, hoping the other couple didn’t hear it, but her tone was more playful than warning. As a response, she felt Clarke’s hand sneaking around her neck to play with her hair and she couldn’t prevent a silent moan.

“Ok, stop it or at least find a room”, Octavia intervened. “God, and they say Lincoln and me are gross”.

Clarke immediately tried to put some distance between her and Lexa, turning a bit red. It was actually the first time a friend of hers saw them interact so closely. Lexa’s arm remained loosely around her waist, her slender fingers entwined with one of her belt loops to keep her in place against her shoulder.

“I’ve never seen Lexa so smitten, not even with Cos-”, Lincoln’s attempt to joke ended up with a nudge from Octavia.

Lexa felt immediately ashamed, her arm around Clarke suddenly felt inappropriate. The image of Costia waiting for her in the same spot so many times before rushed back to her and a pang of hurt changed her expression.

She disentangled her fingers from Clarke’s belt loop, only to feel the blonde’s hand capture her own in a warm grip.

“We’re both kind of smitten, actually”, Clarke voice was strong and sure, with a hint of playfulness: she immediately lightened the mood and Lexa’s shame dissipated. Clarke’s fingers drew calming circles on Lexa’s hand.

The brunette didn’t know how Clarke did it, but she relaxed her with just one sentence.

°°°

“We’re going” Clarke’s tone was final.

“No, we’re not”. Lexa walked straight, without even looking at Clarke, who was still firmly gripped to her hand and refused to let it go. After a brief discussion that morning before class, the blonde resumed her assault.

“Yes we are Lex”, Clarke rolled her eyes, stubborn as always. “Besides, we’re invited and Raven won’t take a no for an answer”.

Lexa slowed down, taking a big breath and opening her locker. Ok, she didn’t want to piss off Raven. That girl knew how to keep a grudge.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe your combination is 4-3-2-1. Did you even change it when they gave you the locker?”, Clarke laughed, changing the subject, her curious eyes were looking at Lexa’s hands and at the inside of her locker.

The brunette shrugged, “I did, actually. I just reversed the numbers and I figured no-one would guess I kept the standard combination”. She took out a book and put some other inside, then closed the locker again.

No more Costia’s pictures. Clarke couldn’t keep herself from noticing it and felt a wave of sudden relief. Even if it actually didn’t mean that much: who would keep photo booth pictures of her ex in her locker? Still, not finding them put her in a better mood.

“I mean it Clarke, parties are not really my thing. Do you remember the hole debacle at Finn’s party?”, they started walking again, directed to the cafeteria, loosely entwining their fingers again. Lexa didn’t remember holding hands that much with Costia, but it felt kind of natural with Clarke. Even if it was fake.

“The thing is, you’ll be invited this time”, Clarke winked. After the night of the murales, they actually started joking about the first days of their encounter. Lexa snorted and Clarke only laughed more, “C’mon Lex, I only mean that this time we won’t be in the lion’s den but at a friend’s. Plus, you have me, remember? Certified party animal”.

Clarke was pouting. Lexa looked into her big blue eyes and she knew she was already giving in. She rolled her eyes, exasperated. “Fine, but promise me I can go home if I get bored”, she almost whined, receiving only a pat on the shoulder by the blonde.

Clarke opened the door of the cafeteria, going straight to the table where her friends were already seated.

“You’re in charge of decorations”, Raven pointed a finger in Clarke’s direction. “And you…”, she looked at Lexa, perplexed. “Can you mix drinks?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Pole dancing?”, Raven’s inquisitive eyes were on Lexa, who turned pink. “Raven!”, Clarke looked indignantly at the Latina.

She raised her arms in piece sign. “Ok, Jesus! So what can you do?”, she looked at Lexa, expecting an answer.

“Mm…I can light a fire?”, from Lexa’s tone, it was more a question than a statement.

“Ok, barbecue’s yours, together with Lincoln”, Raven decided, and Lexa received a high five from the smiling guy. “Be ready guys, because Friday night is going to be epic”.

So, no turning back now. Lexa took a seat next to Clarke, who laid her arm distractedly on the back of her chair, her hand playing with Lexa’s brown locks. Maybe it was not going to be so bad, after all.

°°°

Clarke put her ponpons in her duffel bag, zipping up her jacket. She took her phone out, unblocking the screen and unconsciously smiling.

Lex: This is slavery

There were two pictures attached: one of the list she wrote her, with every item cancelled with a precise line; the second was a selfie of Lexa, grimacing at the camera, surrounded by decorating items, balloons and colour cans, clearly inside a party shop.

Clarke saved the picture and put it as image of Lexa’s contact.

Clarke: Good job, Santa’s little helper! Did you get everything on the list?

Lex: Yeah. You take being in charge of decoration very seriously

Clarke smiled again and sent her a smile and a kissing emoji. Since when did she use emoji? Well, Lexa’s pic was cute after all and the brunette actually offered to go buying the stuff she would need to decorate Raven’s place, since Clarke had cheerleading practice and the party was tomorrow.

The blonde received a skull as an answer. After a few seconds, Lexa sent her a kissing emoji. Laughing, Clarke put her phone in the pocket and walked to her car.

“Hey!”, a male voice reached her, and she recognized it immediately, feeling her body go rigid. “Hey princess, stop!”

The parking lot was almost deserted and hers was one of the last cars there. Finn’s voice actually hurt her: her heart missed a beat when she heard him calling her “princess” and she stopped abruptly.

“Don’t call me that”, she threatened, turning in his direction. His floppy hair were still wet from the shower he took after practice and he was wearing his school jacket. He lowered his eyes, stopping a few feet from her.

“Sorry…Clarke”, he stated, looking back at her.

She raised her eyebrows, waiting. What did he want? “I’m waiting, Finn”

“It’s just I’m…How have you been? It feels like forever the last time we talked. I kind of miss it”, he passed his hand through his hair, a small smile on his lips.

Clarke only felt cold. Suddenly, it was like she couldn’t breathe. She tightened the hold on her bag and looked at him in the eyes, “Well you can easily guess why, Finn”. She felt a rush of anger: why the hell was she so remissive? Why was she standing there, answering rationally at his stupid questions?

Finn took a few steps in her direction, “Look, I know everything’s messed up lately-”

“It’s not messed up Finn. You dumped me in front of the whole school for another girl. Now you’re with her and I’m with someone else. See? Not messy at all”, she hissed at him.

Clarke tried to calm down and suddenly her someone else popped in her mind. Lexa, kneeled down in front of her under a dirty overpass, saying her that she was the opposite of easy, that she was someone worthy of affection.

“Oh c’mon! Don’t try to convince me you’re really with that nerd!”, Finn looked at her disbelievingly. “I get why you did it, It’s only natural to want to-”

Clarke didn’t let him finish, she just turned in her car’s direction and rummaged through her bag to find the keys.

“Clarke, please! I know I screwed up…”

She stopped again, turning at him, furious. “Yes Finn, you royally screwed up! You screwed me up, you screwed up our relationship and you know what? I’m actually realizing it was for the best”. Her eyes were full of rage.

“You mean for you what we had didn’t mean sh*t?”, he grimaced at her, daring to put on an affronted face.

“I mean for you what we had meant nothing, you ass!” What sort of twisted reversed phycology was he playing at? She finally found her keys and opened her car’s door.

“That’s not true, Clarke”, he grabbed the door, keeping it open and preventing her to leave. She looked around but no one was there.

“Tell me just why Finn”

“I...I don’t know, she was there and she felt so...so new and we-”

“Are you still with her?”, she was calm now, her piercing stare fixed on him. So that was what she was worth for him: someone to trade for someone new.

Finn got the decency to look ashamed. “Well…”

“I don’t really care Finn, maybe you two deserve each other. Tell her for me to enjoy it while it lasts”, she tried to close the door.

“Oh and what do you have, mmh?”, his tone wasn’t whining anymore, but actually accusing. “A poor rebound?”. His strong grip on the door was impossible to disentangle and his imposing presence was almost over her, preventing her to leave.

Lexa’s gentle features appeared before her eyes: thinking about her being called a rebound fuelled something inside Clarke – a mix of hurt and anger- that awakened her.

“Actually I’m starting to think you were the rebound. You were me settling down for something not worth it”, she grabbed the door and closed it with force. A wave of relief run through her. “Now let me go, my girlfriend’s waiting for me”.

She stated the engine and exited the parking lot, leaving him behind.

f*ck, what the hell did just happen? She thought back on Finn’s angry expression and his imposing presence, on his tries to get to her and undermine her. Her heart pumped blood, hammering in her temples.

She saw her own trembling hands on the wheel. f*ck.

Clarke stopped the car in front of her house. The lights were on, her parent’s cars both in the driveway. She took a deep breath, switching of the headlights and unbuckling the seat belt.

Completely in the darkness, she picked out her phone.

The phone rang a few times, until she picked up.

“Clarke?”, her voice was surprised but light, like she was laughing at something the minute before answering.

“Mm…hey”, the blonde girl abandoned her head on the seat, closing her eyes. This was the first time Clarke called Lexa on the phone and she already didn’t know what to say. Maybe it was a bad idea.

“What’s wrong”, Lexa’s voice changed immediately from surprised to worried. Sensing that Clarke wasn’t going to answer the question, she spoke again. “Clarke, where are you?”

“I’m…mm…I’m parked in front of my house”, she forced herself to answer.

“Ok, did you have another fight with your mum?”, Lexa’s tone was calm now, her voice strong and steady. Like she already had a plan to solve whatever was wrong.

“What? No…no Lex”, she finally gained some clarity. “Look, I’m sorry I called you…you probably were eating and-”

“Stop”, Lexa interrupted her, preventing her to go on and probably apologize some more. “Tell me what happened Clarke”.

The blonde took a breath. She needed to tell someone. “I was…I was approached by Finn in the parking lot, just after practice”.

Only silence from the other end of the line. “You’re scared”, Lexa’s was a statement, not a question, her voice was still calm, but cold. “What did he do?”

“He wanted to talk, he said he missed talking to me. I know I had no reason to be scared, but we were alone in the parking lot and he grabbed the door of the car so I couldn’t leave…”, Clarke didn’t realize she was almost whispering.

“I’m coming over”, Lexa’s tone was final and was ready to close the conversation.

“No, no Lex…really there’s no need. I’m home, my parents are inside. I’m just shaky I guess. It got really emotional and he said some harsh things”.

She could almost hear Lexa thinking, analysing pros and cons of coming there and deciding to trust her that it was not necessary.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, her tone was impossibly sweet and Clarke slowly started to relax.

“He told me that for me our relationship meant nothing and…and that I have nothing now, just a rebound”. She felt ashamed as soon as she heard the words come out of her mouth. No sound came from the other end of the line.

“Lex?”

“Mh”, the brunette’s voice was not so strong anymore.

“That’s actually why I called”. She stopped for a minute, then she elaborated, “It felt so wrong, listening to him say things like that. I just…I just want you to know that you’re not a rebound for me. I know it doesn’t mean much, coming from someone who asked you to be her fake girlfriend but I…”, she took a breath and was almost surprised to feel tears threatening to start falling. And the crazy thing was, she didn’t actually know what she meant by saying the other girl was not a rebound. They were actually using each other, were they not? Even if just a few days ago they shared something pretty special together, at least it was what Clarke thought.

She didn’t perform her art for anyone and she surprised herself thinking that she didn’t even do it for Finn, back when they were together. Not even in their happy period.

An actual tear run along her cheek.

“Clarke listen to me: Finn’s an ass. He was an ass before and he’s an even bigger one now. He scared you and he had no right to do it”. Lexa let out a small chuckle before continuing, and a small part in Clarke felt relieved, “And I want you to know you’re not a rebound either. Even if it probably doesn’t mean much, coming from someone who agreed to your crazy ass plan”.

Lexa felt actually relieved to say that. It was a way to acknowledge that not everything was a lie. The public displays of affection maybe, and she didn’t want to overanalyse her feelings about it, but not the private moments they spent together.

Clarke couldn’t contain her laugh at Lexa’s words, even if she felt another tear fall. “Everything’s pretty f*cked up, isn’t it? I’m here, whining like a little girl over my ass of an ex”.

“What’s really f*cked up is the amount of balloons you made me buy Griffin. I’m starting to think we’re going to have fun at Raven’s party”.

And like that, everything in Clarke’s mind disappeared. Finn’s screams, her screams, the wave of stupid fear she felt before in the parking lot. Now she was an average girl again, talking about next Friday’s party with her girlfriend. Fake girlfriend. A pang she couldn’t place ruined her relief.

°°°

Lexa put on a bit of lipstick and scrutinized her face in the mirror. The line of black eyeliner on her eyebrow was perfect and made her green eyes stand out. Thank you Anya. It was her sister who taught her how to do her own make up a few years ago, asserting that no girl could start high school without knowing the basics.

She stood up, still a bit unsure of what she was wearing. Spending most of her weekend nights at Anya’s bar or at Costia’s didn’t really prepare her on how to dress for a party at the cool kids’ place.

She was wearing a simple black cotton dress, and that alone was something new for her. Sure, she had a few dresses and she had enough self-esteem to know they looked good on her, but she usually didn’t wear them at school. The dress ended a few inches above her knees and hugged perfectly her toned figure. It was nothing fancy but she knew she had an effect on people when she was wearing it.

She put on some dark converse, comfortable enough to move around if she had to tend to the barbecue with Lincoln. Then she grabbed her leather jacket and a bag, big enough to contain only her wallet, phone and keys.

“Mum, I’m going out”, Lexa called, walking down the stairs. She was almost out, when she felt Indra’s presence behind her.

“Out where, Lexa?”, the woman was drying a glass with a rag, looking at her.

Lexa turned. “At a friend’s place. There’s a party”, she answered, trying not to give out too much information. She could see Indra’s perplexed face and she could understand it: it was not everyday that her quiet younger daughter went to a party on Friday night.

“Elaborate”, Indra was always brief and focused to the point.

“I’m going to Raven’s house. She’s in my math’s class and she invited me to a party”

“And where would that be?”, Indra asked patiently, used to Lexa’s brief answers.

“Arkadia, the neighbourhood not far from the beach”. Raven, same as Clarke and their whole group of friends, lived in one of the best suburban neighbourhoods in Polis, half an hour drive from Lexa’s home.

“And how are you going to go there?”. Lexa turned fully in Indra’s direction, resigned to answer all her questions.

“I’m borrowing Anya’s car, she agreed to let me use it tonight”.

“Will...Is the girl from the picture going be at this party?”, Indra’s voice was hesitant, but Lexa was surprised her mother even remembered the Instagram photo Anya used to mock her with, just a few weeks ago.

“You mean Clarke? Yes, she is”, no need to lie about it and Lexa could see Indra’s features soften, like she was relieved. Ok, that didn’t make sense.

The older woman folded the rag in her hands, nodding. “I have a night shift tonight, so I’ll see you in the morning. Have fun at the party, I trust you to be responsible”, she remained serious, but appeared satisfied by her daughter’s answers. “And...you should invite her to dinner one of these days”. With that she left, returning in the kitchen.

Invite Clarke...Oh. Lexa stared at the place where Indra was just a minute before. Her mother wanted her to invite Clarke to dinner, because she thought she was her new girlfriend. Plus, she looked relieved by the idea that her daughter was not alone at the party and had someone to care for her.

Lexa opened the front door and went to the car, starting the engine. Well, it actually made sense in some twisted way: her mother was worried about her going to a stranger’s party and the idea of her girlfriend being there reassured her.

She thought back of her phone call with Clarke the day before and of the rush of cold anger that passed through her, when she heard fear in the blonde’s voice. She was already out of the door when Clarke convinced her it was not necessary for her to come. In that precise moment, Lexa knew that between her and the blonde cheerleader there was something else, other than their pact. At least for her.

Her drive to Raven’s place was quiet, a song playing softly in the background. She caught a glimpse of her own reflection in the mirror: her make up was not smudged and her hazel hair fell in waves on her shoulders.

You’re not a rebound for me. Clarke’s words echoed in her mind. Was that the reason why she put on that dress and make up tonight?

She wanted to be pretty, she had no problem admitting that much. For whom was a different matter. Part of her wanted to impress Clarke’s friends, the same people that ignored her for more than three years but still accepted her with no reservations a few weeks ago.

Part of her knew that there was only one person she really hoped to impress. Even if it was scary to admit it.

But what was the harm in being a teen for once, to want to be pretty for a pretty girl and forget everything else? She could easily pretend, just for one night, that Clarke and her were just a normal couple at a friend’s party. From Clarke’s confrontation with Finn and what she heard in that bathroom just a few days before, everything was probably going to crumble down soon enough.

But for tonight she could pretend to be the right person in the right place, at least for once in her life.

She exhaled the breath she didn’t know she was holding and left the car to walk to Raven's big white house, noises and music already filling the air.

Chapter 9: Friday never hesitate pt.2

Chapter Text

Clarke grabbed the last balloon from Bellamy's hands and threw it in the pool. The surface of the water was now completely covered with multi-coloured balloons. Buckets full of ice and cold beers were on the four edges and the barbecue was ready to be started.

She decorated the entrance with a few coloured lights and put some effort in drawing a human-sized caricature of Raven on cartoon that stared threateningly at whoever entered.

People have already started arriving. Octavia' older brother and his friends were already there, providing for beer and alcohol, Octavia and Lincoln just came in from the door and Monty and Jasper were mixing drinks in the kitchen turned into bar-station.

Raven already started putting on some music in the living room, which was big enough to become a small dance floor, with the furniture moved to the walls.

She distinguished other known faces from school, boys and girls laughing in every room, and other people she didn't know, probably friends of friends.

Clarke continued searching through the small crowd with her eyes. She looked at her phone, no new texts. It was almost 8 p.m. and Lexa - she quitted pretending she was looking for someone else at the tenth mocking look from Raven as they crossed eyes - said she would be there at 8.

She didn't text her, which meant there were no changes of plan. But still, she wasn't there. And it was 3 minutes after 8 p.m.

That was going to be their first party as a couple. Fake couple, she reminded herself. Anyway, she knew how nervous Lexa was the days before, even if she tried to hide it. Well, not too well actually, considering the most stoic girl in school asked the cheerleader what should she wear at the party.

She actually found Lexa's attempts to be subtle in asking her how to dress unbearably cute. How could she be the same girl that drew her out of one of the most sh*tty situation ever, lying to cops for her, she didn't know.

To some extent, she got why Lexa was so nervous: Clarke remembered the stares when the brunette presented herself at Finn's party. Everybody was invited, but everybody never actually included Lexa before.

It was not like she pitied her, Clarke knew that Lexa had other friends outside from school - from what she saw a few nights before, she was basically the queen of Anya's bar - but it probably wasn't easy for her to agree to be here tonight.

She smoothed her already perfect hair. Sweaty palms? Since when did her hands sweat. She pondered if calling the brunette was a good idea or if-

The bell rang and a group of screaming boys opened it, without even looking who it was. Clarke saw a delicate hand grab the door before it smashed against the wall. And her mouth went dry.

Lexa was there. And she was wearing a dress.

The brunette just stood there, looking around in search of someone. Green eyes standing out, thanks to her smokey make-up. Her hair was not braided and fell free and long on her shoulders. The dress perfectly hugged her slender figure, even if it was nothing fancy. Even the worn out leather jacket looked perfect on her: so incredibly Lexa and so incredibly sexy, and Clarke never actually considered leather sexy at all.

f*ck, Lexa had truly wonderful legs.

Clarke stared at her in trance, until she saw the brunette's eyes look for someone the crowd, wide and a bit shy. Clarke realised Lexa was looking for her: that incredibly beautiful girl that nobody had bothered to notice before was looking for her. And she wore a dress at a party she didn't want to attend, putting some actual effort in looking good. Well, mission accomplished.

She walked fast in her direction, grabbing her waist while she was half turned in another direction, still at the entrance of the house.

Her perfume was almost intoxicating.

"Hey" Clarke whispered in her ear, moving her hands under the jacket and smoothing the dress.

Lexa turned to her, a relieved expression on her face and no trace of shyness anymore. It was like she was waiting to feel her hands grab her. The brunette smiled, letting Clarke come even nearer until her nose brushed against her cheek.

Lexa captured one of Clarke's hands on her waist, covering it with hers but leaving it on her hip. "I'm sorry, I'm a bit late but my mother gave me the third degree"

"Don't worry, you're perfect", Clarke's eyes continued roaming over her, uninterested by the fact that Lexa - and probably other fifty people - were aware of it.

Then the blonde felt a pair of lips cover her own. Chastely at first, and Clarke felt the scent of leather and Lexa's perfume invading her senses. Lexa - Lexa in a freaking dress - was initiating a kiss, in public. The blonde kept her close, hips almost touching, and Lexa's arms sneaked around her neck. The kiss became more heated as Lexa turned her head to change the angle and took one of her lips between her teeth.

Ok, Clarke couldn't even think. She only knew that she had to-

And as soon as those full lips came, they were gone. Lexa pecked her lightly again, before disentangling from her hug, a smirk on her face.

"Raven's looking at us and just screamed to keep it Pg13", Lexa said with a small grin.

Sorry Raven. Clarke couldn't prevent herself and cupped Lexa's face to kiss her deeply. Just because she could, at least for now. Her tongue slipped between Lexa's lips and the brunette let her in without opposing resistance. It lasted only a second, but Clarke turned to Raven with a triumphant smirk and the Latina just rolled her eyes from the console.

"Come with me, let's go find you something to drink", Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and started to walk to the kitchen, "And I want to show you what I did with-"

"Clarke...", she felt Lexa hold her still, preventing her to go further. Clarke turned again, questioningly.

Lexa looked at her feet for a second, before fixing her green eyes on Clarke. "Ok, I'm going to ask it just once and then we'll pretend I didn't say anything". She took a big breath. "Is...do I look ok?", her cheeks became pink and Clarke couldn't believe her ears.

"Lex...", she didn't even know where to start to compliment her.

Lexa's expression turned worried. Clarke's dashed face was scaring her. sh*t, she should have foreseen that the dress was not the best thing to wear. "No, just tell me. I can...", she pointed the door. She probably had something to change into in the trunk.

Still, she couldn't believe she was there, ready to be mocked by the whole school, just because Clarke-

"Lexa stop", sincere blue eyes looked at her. "You look beautiful. I mean, objectively speaking", she rolled her eyes, mostly at herself and her choice of words. Ok maybe using the B-word was not the best choice but hey, it was true. "God, have you seen yourself? Half of the girls here are dying of envy and most of them are actually drooling".

"Beautiful mmh?", the grin returned on Lexa's lips. Ok, maybe wearing a dress was not a bad idea in the end.

It was Clarke's turn to feel embarrassed. How could they go from making out in front of fifty people without shame to quarrel about an outfit, she didn't know. "Hey!", she feigned scorn, "You asked!".

"I asked what Clarke? We agreed not to speak about it again", the brunette winked at her, squeezing her hand a little. "C'mon, show me the fruits of my efforts in that crazy ass shop", Lexa guided her to the pool and Clarke couldn't help but laugh. Plus, there were more terrible things than being bossed around by a beautiful girl.

"Lex, finally!" Lincoln voice made the two girls turn. Clarke was explaining Lexa what she did with each and every item she made her buy and the brunette seemed genuinely interested in the explanation. Or maybe it was just that she liked the sparkle in Clarke's eyes as she spoke. Now that she was the centre of her attention, Lexa could actually see now why everybody was impossibly drawn to the one and only Clarke Griffin.

"Hey Linc", Lexa smiled at the boy, who was already half covered in ash in his useless attempts to light the grill. "Do you maybe..." she pointed at the still cold barbecue.

"Please", he looked relieved. "Tell me you actually know how to make this thing work, Raven is going to kill me if the grill isn't ready by the time she returns"

Clarke looked at Lexa as the girl practically took place in front of the grill, making Lincoln move and passing Clarke the beer she was holding. The blonde observed her: maybe she really knew what she was doing.

The brunette moved the small mountain of coal and distributed it on the whole surface. Then she took a piece of paper, rolling it up in a cone. "Do you have a lighter?", she asked Lincoln, who promptly gave it to her.

She lit the paper and put it under the coals, blowing a bit to make the flame grow. In a second, they could see smoke and a real flame from the grill.

"Yes!!", Lincoln threw a fist in the air and high fived Lexa, who looked amused at the boy's reaction and passed him the poker to move the coals.

Clarke looked at her proudly, ready to gloat with Octavia. Her girl could light a fire!

"You haven't lighted a fire before, right?", Lexa asked Lincoln with a small laugh.

"No, I was put here because I'm the only reliable one at not burning down the house", he immediately confessed. "Besides, it was either this or mixing drinks with the crazy scientists inside".

“Lucky you, I was offered the pole dancing station”, Lexa told him.

Clarke looked at them while Lexa explained Lincoln how to preserve the heat and cook meat: they were both drinking a beer and Lexa laughed at something Lincoln said, a relaxed expression on her face.

The blonde felt a wave of relief and a hint of joy. Lexa was having fun, actually enjoying herself.

"So you came in rescue of the Flamekeeper here!", Octavia greeted Lexa, smirking at Lincoln’s scorned expression and kissing him on the cheek.

Clarke reached the brunette, hugging her lightly from behind. She felt Lexa's hands cover her own and her back leaning on her front. It felt incredibly natural to be there, holding her in the middle of Raven’s backyard.

"Yes, my girl saved the day!", she boasted.

The four of them engaged in a heated conversation. Everything was fine.

°°°

She had Clarke's back pressed against her chest, her hands on the blonde's swinging hips, as they were dancing at the loud music in the semi-dark living room. Lincoln and Octavia besides them, entwined in a close embrace.

Clarke turned at her, circling her neck with her arms with a smile. "Is it as bad as you imagined it, miss Judgemental?", she joked.

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Well I put some effort myself: I saved the day with the grill, did I not?"

"You did, and you also saved Lincoln's ass from Raven's wrath. Plus, you are by far the hottest person besides me at the party"

The brunette chuckled, she actually had to admit she was having fun at the party.

"And you're actually a decent dancer Woods", Clarke poked her hips and squeezed them, making them swing in rhythm.

Lexa raised her eyes, distractedly looking around, she was now used at being stared at when she was with Clarke and was pretty unfazed by it, until she saw a new pair of eyes in the crowd. Finn.

Clarke was turned and couldn't see him, but Lexa tightened her hold on her. So, the asshole had the guts to show himself at Raven's party.

Lexa felt a hand on her cheek, the music was too loud to hear a word and the blonde had to touch her to get her attention. "Is there something wrong?", she shouted in her ear. Clarke was wrapped in Lexa's arms and could feel her stiffen.

The brunette shook her head and tightened her grip on Clarke, closing the space between them to place a kiss on her lips. She was not in the mood to let some guy ruin her night.

After a few songs Lexa looked around. No Finn anymore and still no Costia: she probably had the good sense not to come, considering Raven was still one of Clarke's best friends, even if she tried to stay out of her and Finn's break up. Good.

She left the living room to grab something to drink, squeezing Clarke's hand before leaving. The blonde was dancing with Octavia and sent her a frowning look as soon as she saw her leave. She mimicked a drink and saw the blonde's expression relax.

In the kitchen, Lexa took a red glass and filled it with beer, declining the cup Jasper offered her with a polite smile. She didn't want to end up intoxicated, especially not with Anya's car parked outside.

"You put on quite a show", a mocking voice made her turn. Finn.

She turned to leave, decided to ignore him.

"Hey, not so fast!", he grabbed her arm. "You think just because you're with her you can do whatever you want?"

She disentangled her arm from her hand. A threat in her eyes. "Leave it, Collins"

He laughed in her face. "Or what? Will you punch me again, ruining Raven's party?", he smirked.

"Listen, you son of a bi-", Lexa felt her anger grow and tried to control it. Clarke's emotional phone call after her encounter with him still echoing in her mind.

"No you listen", he interrupted, "You think you belong here but you don't. I hope you're not deluding yourself: you're only a temporary distraction", he reasoned with a condescending voice, lining on the counter with arms crossed.

"Or maybe you were one", she answered, raising her chin. She didn't intend to show it, but his words actually stung: it was true, after all. She didn't belong to that place, never did. She was perfectly aware she was there only as Clarke's plus one. It was just so easy to forget it, just for a little while.

"You're not the first one, you know. She brings new people here, makes them feel part of it, makes them taste what it feels like to have her attention for a while. Well, she usually chooses people more...fun", he continued, as if he was talking with a friend. He looked in Clarke direction. In the other room, the blonde laughed at something Octavia said, oblivious of their stare. "She's volatile, now you feel like you're the centre of her world but you're not. She's going to get bored, she's going to get distant", he clenched her jaw. "And in a little while you'll return in the tiny little hole you came from, looking at her from the distance". He took a sip from his glass, in a definitive way.

"It sounds like you're speaking from experience", Lexa used the most disinterested tone she could come up with. She couldn't make him see how much his words got to her.

He laughed abruptly. "Oh no Woods, it's different with me. You see, Clarke and me come from the same group: we'll always be here, together. There will always be something between us, even if we're not together now. I'm letting her have her fun, just wanted to warn you: enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause it won't last long".

A glint in her eyes betrayed her. A doubt, that Finn was able to see.

"You know it's true. You're not stupid Woods: Clarke is charming, good at making you believe what she wants. I'm just saying, don't get attached".

Lexa felt her fingers tighten into a fist. She just wanted to punch him so hard it hurt. She even considered it but she saw the consequences: it was Raven's place, Finn was her friend, she was there as a guest for the first time.

She heard Finn chuckle. "You actually managed to clean up nicely. I bet she liked your little dress"

Lexa felt cold. A pang of hurt hit her and suddenly she just wanted to be far away from there.

"See you around Woods", he left with a wink, putting his empty glass on the table.

Now alone, Lexa looked at the dance floor. Clarke was still laughing with her friends, blonde hair shining under the coloured lights. She could almost smell her scent and automatically thought back of their kisses just a moment before. How they felt not fake at all.

Finn's words hurt, but in the end it was what she needed to hear: in the last few days, she felt herself falling more and more in their shared routine: hand-holding, kissing, sharing jokes with their friends. The reminder it was all for show was painful but necessary.

What they were doing was bound to end, sooner more than later. There was only one thing Collins was wrong about and it reassured Lexa: she and Clarke were never actually together so there was nothing to break.

She turned to Monty and Jasper, who were bickering about the amount of some strange liquor to put in the punch.

"May I have one?". She gave them her glass and they were ecstatic to make her try their Moonshine.

The strong taste of cheap alcohol awakened her and she emptied the glass. She needed to calm down, dull her senses till the end of the night to make it pass without causing any trouble. She briefly pondered if she could leave, but she didn't want to raise any attention.

One last night, then she was going to end it. She didn't want to ruin Clarke's evening by telling her now, but on Monday it was mandatory that they started to orchestrate the plan to close up of their plot. Finn was there alone, people saw him and Costia fight and she was not stupid: his approach with her was a way to scare her off. So, mission accomplished. Now it was time to end it.

Jasper filled her glass once more, babbling something about a new recipe.

°°°

Clarke turned to look for Lexa, who left a while ago and never came back. She disentangled herself from Octavia's grip but continued dancing, just moving a bit to see if she was still in the kitchen. Maybe she just found someone to chat with.

There she was, leaning on the kitchen table with a red glass in her hands. Ok, strange. Probably Monty succeeded in making her try the drink he invented.

As soon as their eyes crossed, Clarke smiled at her. Lexa averted her eyes for a second, looking down on the table and the blonde frowned. "Everything alright?", she mouthed at her from the distance, as soon as she intercepted her eyes once more.

Lexa didn't smile, just nodded and drank from the glass.

Ok, something was wrong. Clarke walked immediately to her and stopped her hand as soon as Lexa moved to pass the red cup to Monty for a refill. "Hey, take it easy".

The brunette straightened, incredibly stable considering the amount of alcohol she drank.

"I'm fine, just having fun", she mumbled, looking everywhere but at Clarke's, even as she let the blonde put an arm around her waist.

"Hey, talk to me", the blonde whispered, holding her loosely.

Lexa looked at her. That was neither the time or the place to talk about their breakup. Fake breakup, she corrected herself. And Clarke's hands were so gentle, stroking her back.

"Nothing's wrong, Clarke", Lexa actually managed to put on a small smile, meant to be reassuring.

"Shots!!!", Jasper screamed behind them, putting a line of shots of tequila on the table. Everybody screamed back at him and positioned in front of the glasses.

"You want one?", Lexa asked, trying to distract her. What did Collins say about her not being fun? The brunette took a glass and Monty was ready with salt and lemon.

"What? Lexa, no", Clarke frowned: something was definitely wrong. She tried to push Monty away.

The brunette only shrugged, preparing herself to pour down the drink.

"Clarke! Help your girl here!", Jasper high voice disturbed her, but Clarke saw the dare in Lexa's eyes. It was not playful, at all.

Ok, what the hell happened?

The smile disappeared from Clarke's face. Fine, she wasn't one to back off, and if it was the only way to drag Lexa out of there she was ready.

She lowered the neck of her loose top and put some salt in the crook of her neck, then put the lemon slice between her teeth. Two can play the game.

Lexa looked at her for a minute, a shadow of uncertainty in her eyes. The gentleness Clarke was so used of was there again and she saw the question in the brunette eyes, checking if she was ok with what was going to happen.

A small nod from Clarke was all Lexa needed. If it was one of the last times she could touch the blonde so freely, Lexa was going to savour it and part of her wanted to show the blonde what she was going to lose as the relationship was over. f*ck Collins, she could be fun.

Lexa came near her and Clarke felt goosebumps as soon as her warm breath tickled the sensitive skin. Then her mouth was on the blonde's neck, slowly licking the salt away as she kissed her jugular. Clarke let out a small moan as Lexa's tongue touched her skin and felt a grin forming on the brunette’s lips. A wave of heat hit Clarke, as Lexa languidly sucked her neck and she couldn’t prevent herself from leaning, to grant her more access.

As soon as it began it was over. Warm lips left her neck and Lexa pounded the glass of tequila, throwing back her head.

Then she put her hands on Clarke's waist, gently pulling her.

The wait was excruciating and Clarke almost swallowed the slice of lemon. She felt Lexa's mouth take the slice, sucking it slowly, her lips gazing at hers but never fully touching them.

Clarke circled Lexa's neck with her arms, putting a hand on the back of her head to keep her near. The brunette took the lemon peel from her mouth with two fingers, but her eyes were still on Clarke.

The blonde captured her lips, feeling the bitter taste of tequila in her mouth. She inclined her head for a better angle, encapturing the brunette in a firm grip to make the kiss last. Whatever the problem was, Clarke wanted to make clear she was there.

The two slowly separated and Lexa finally lowered her eyes, taking a big breath. Alcohol finally kicking in, she felt a bit dizzy and gripped Clarke's forearms to steady herself.

Screams and noises surrounded them, but the attention was now on the next couple who was doing shots.

"I'm...I need some air", Lexa almost rushed outside and Clarke was left in the middle of the kitchen, blocked by a wall of people coming in to cheer at the shoot contest.

"Monty", Clarke turned to her friend, in no mood for jokes. Tomorrow she would feel ashamed of herself for picking on the most gentle guy in her group, but now she needed answers. "How much did Lexa drink?", a slight threat in her voice.

Monty gulped, putting some distance between him and the group of screaming kids. "Well...besides the shoot? Like three moonshines and a few beers", he immediately confessed.

Clarke was completely at a loss. Lexa would never drink that much if she was driving Anja's car. "And you gave it to her?", she even raised her voice a bit, even if she knew that Lexa could be kind of stubborn when she wanted to be.

Monty shrugged, regret written over his face. "Well she was a bit shaken after her conversation with Finn", Clarke immediately widened her eyes, "I don't know for sure 'cause she is completely unreadabl-"

"Finn is here?" Clarke interrupted him.

"He arrived an hour ago with some of his teammates", the guy explained.

f*ck. The blonde turned to go outside, searching for Lexa.

°°°

"Hey", Clarke found her, seated on a deckchair in front of the pool still full of balloons. Lexa was sipping a beer, completely absorbed by her thoughts.

She turned as soon as she heard Clarke's voice. "Hey"

The blonde took a seat next to her. People were almost all inside dancing and enjoying the last moments of the party and have left behind countless amount of empty bottles and cups, but the pool was the only quiet place in the house. The light blue water still full of balloons sent strange rays of light from the underwater lighters, which reflected on Lexa’s blank face.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?", Clarke didn't see a point in circling around it.

Lexa took a big breath and took another sip. The bad mix of moonshine and beer was finally having its effect. "Your friends don't know the first thing about mixing drinks", she stated instead of answering.

Clarke turned to her and she almost put a hand on her knee but decided against it. "Lex, I know you talked to Finn",

Lexa finished her beer and even in her drunken state found a bin to throw the empty bottle away. "So?"

"You tell me, considering you're drunk".

Lexa finally looked at her, green eyes lucid and shining to the artificial lights. "I thought it was what these parties were for".

She desperately wanted to tell Clarke it was over, that she couldn't go on with their fake dating thing. The only problem was, her mind was cloudy and Clarke's expression was so gentle it hurt. Lexa closed her eyes.

Clarke stared at her. The brunette looked so small, seated there with an expression she could only define as sad - but sad about what? - eyes almost closing and a frown on her forehead.

"Did you drive here, right?", she tried again. That question made Lexa open her eyes abruptly and rub her face. She took her head in her hands.

f*ck. Anya's car. The brunette thought back of Indra's words, at her recommendation to be responsible. So much for doing that. She gripped Anya's keys in her pocket. "I...Yes. With Anya's car". No point in lying, now she only needed to find a way to go home and not destroy the most valuable thing her sister owned. f*ck again.

Clarke stood up in front of her and Lexa looked up: it was time to say goodbye. Clarke would go back inside with her friends and she hoped Raven was kind or at least disinterested enough to let her sober up enough to be able to leave.

Then the blonde extended her hand in her direction. She looked at it, a bit astonished, without actually grabbing it.

The blonde looked at Lexa's expression: did she really think she would just leave her there?

"Lex, c'mon. It's late", she almost pleaded her. Clarke only wanted the night to be over and something in her couldn't stand seeing Lexa like that: seated there, her pretty dress crumpled, her make up a bit smudged.

Lexa looked again at the extended hand, then took it.

Hand in hand, they entered the house where a few people were already leaving. Lexa's shoulder brushed against Clarke's as she stoically tried to stand up straight, without showing any sign of her drunken state. No need to look even more pitiful than she already felt.

"Hey Ray, we're going", Clarke called Raven, who was dancing with Octavia and Finn by her side.

Lexa couldn't prevent herself from almost letting go of Clarke's hand, but she felt strong fingers keep her there.

"But it's early Griff!", the Latina whined.

"Yes it is, and that's why we're leaving", the blonde faked a laugh that didn't go unnoticed by Raven, even if she decided not to comment on it.

"Thank you for inviting me, Raven", Lexa managed to say. Her voice firmer than she expected.

"Don't mention it", Raven answered distractedly, as Finn drunkenly whispered something to her ear.

Before Lexa could realise it, Clarke guided her in front of Anya's car. The frisky air of the night sobered her up a bit: she could only hope it was enough to drive.

"Keys", Clarke extended her open palm in front of her, situating herself between Lexa and the driver's door.

Lexa widened her eyes. What?

"You're obviously in no condition to drive and your sister would kill you for destroying her car and then me for letting you do it", the blonde simply explained, as if it was obvious she felt some kind of responsibility towards Anya. Or towards Lexa's state. "Give me the keys, Lex. I'm not letting you drive and it's humid out here".

Contrary from what she thought, Clarke was an careful driver. She drove slowly through the dark streets, following Lexa's whispered directions. She looked at the brunette almost asleep in the passenger's seat from time to time, to be sure everything was ok.

She parked Anya's car in front of a small house, on the other side of the city. So this was where Lexa lived.

Clarke switched off the engine and took a breath. The girl beside her was almost completely asleep.

Ok, first things first: carry Lexa inside, put her to sleep without waking up her family, then find a way to go home and not wake her own family, who actually thought she was sleeping at Raven's.

She opened the passenger's door. Lexa was there, eyes closed and hands gripping the hem of her dress. She caressed her cheek, lightly calling her and the sleepy brunette just leaned in her touch. Once again, she couldn’t prevent herself from noticing how beautiful she was, even with make up a bit smudged.

"Lex...C'mon sleepy, let’s get you to bed"

The brunette grumbled, leaning more to the hand that was still cupping her cheek. It took Clarke a few attempts, but in the end she was finally able to take Lexa out of the car. She rummaged through Lexa's purse to find the keys to open the door.

"Is your mum home?", she asked, holding her firmly from the waist to prevent her to fall on the grass.

"Mmh...no?", Lexa looked at Clarke, trying to remember what Indra said when she left a few hours ago. "No, Indra ha a night shift. Anya's at the bar"' she stated more firmly.

"Ok good, finally some luck tonight", Clarke whispered and Lexa bursted into laughing. "Lex! Will you please shut the f*ck up? You're going to wake up your whole neighbourhood!", the blonde hissed, an affronted expression written on her face.

Lexa tried to stop her own laughs by putting a hand on her mouth. "I'm sorry", she drunkenly babbled, "It's just that....it sounded like you wanted to get lucky tonight", she looked at her pointedly.

Clarke frowned. "What?". Lexa raised her eyebrows, still giggling. Clarke widened her eyes, finally understanding what the girl meant.

"Calm down Griffin, I know you would never do the nasty with me!", the brunette bitterly answered when she saw Clarke's expression.

The blonde was astonished. Who the hell says "Do the nasty"? And did Lexa actually think that was their problem right now? Clarke thought about their tequila kiss: no,”doing the nasty” with Lexa wasn’t really a problem for her but she didn’t want to go down that road.

Lexa fought to remain straight and raised a finger. "But I'll have you know that there's a lot of girls that would like to do bang me! Like a massive amount of lot!", her tone was definitive and serious, and if Clarke didn't know Lexa was drunk, she could have fooled her.

"Oh I know Lex, you have a whole harem at Grounders", Clarke answered as she opened the door, reassured by the fact that the house was empty and she didn't need to make Lexa shut up. She avoided thinking of said girls wrapped up all over Lexa and made a mental note never to let her drink again if she was alone.

"Well for some people I'm actually hot Griffin", Lexa looked drunkenly affronted. “And I also know you find me hot too, even if I’m not your type and don’t fit in your parameters of what is cool and what’s not. Still, I want you to be aware that you’re lucky to fake date me even if you don’t want to get lucky with me”, the brunette rambled, seeming confused by her own word pun.

Clarke tried to ignore Lexa’s words as she opened the front door, taking in the surroundings. A small but tidy entrance, living room on the left and kitchen on the right. In the darkness she could make out a small Tv on a counter and a sofa.

“...and I know rationally that you could never find in me what you look for in a partner but I know I’m good at kissing! I am an incredible kisser Clarke and I must be crazy right now ‘cause I rationally know you’re not my type either-”, Lexa was completely taken by her own rambling, while Clarke pondered what to do.

“Lex, focus. Your room?”, Clarke kept her straight, holding her hand to make her enter.

“Mmh...upstairs, first door on the right. The bigger room is Anya’s and we don’t want to end up there”, she stated, as she was answering a fundamental question, just to start rambling again. “All I’m saying is that it’s only natural to like kissing. I mean, you’re attractive and have beautiful eyes and I thought you liked kissing me-”, Lexa stopped, sighing.

Clarke climbed the stairs with Lexa behind her, then entered her room. A window, a small desk under it, full of notepads and books. A library in perfect order, a single bed and a half opened wardrobe. The room was small but seemed bigger due to the fact that everything was in its place.

Only a small pile of clothes was on the desk chair and Clarke couldn’t prevent herself from imagining Lexa while she was trying them on and then throwing them there, before choosing the pretty black dress.

Lexa was now silent and just let Clarke examine her room.

It was so like Lexa. Clarke recognised her bag on the floor and the novel she was reading just as few days before, now on the bookshelf.

Clarke was just getting acquainted with the surroundings, when Lexa started to move. She took the bottle of water on her nightstand and drank half of it, then started undressing in front of Clarke.

Clarke opened her mouth to say something but words died in her throat when she saw the black bra. And Lexa's cleavage. Ok, what was she supposed to do now?

Clarke tried to reason, while Lexa threw her dress on her desk and moved around just in her underwear. For someone that was so shy to even hold hands, she was completely comfortable with being seen almost naked.

The blonde couldn't prevent herself. She let her eyes wander on long legs, toned thighs and slender arms. Oh my God, Lexa had abs. And- Ok stop.

"Mmh...Lexa. Would you like me to help you put on something?". Clarke had only one priority: make Lexa wear something and put her to bed. Then she could figure out how the hell to go back home and forget Lexa was like that under all the layers she put on.

The brunette was completely oblivious of Clarke's stare and had finally put on a baggy t-shirt, then started rummaging in a drawer. She looked slightly more sober than when they entered.

"Here", she offered Clarke an old t-shirt with their school logo and some track shorts. How she could pass from rambling about kissing to act so composed was something Clarke could not understand. The blonde looked at her with an interrogative expression.

Lexa passed a hand on her forehead. "Clarke, my head is actually killing me and I'm on the verge of throwing up. I know I'm not the most reliable person right now but I can't lend you Anya's car and there's no way you're leaving alone by foot. So please put these on and let's get some sleep". Without another word she left the room to let her change.

Clarke looked around again, particularly at the small bed. f*ck again.

Lexa returned a few minutes after with another bottle of water and another pillow, looking satisfied when she saw Clarke had actually worn what she gave her.

The blonde had her back to her and was now looking at herself in the small mirror on her desk, the one Lexa used to put her make up on a few hours ago. Clarke was using her cleansing wipes to remove the last traces of her make up and turned to Lexa as she heard her enter.

"Hey, come here", the blonde whispered, even if there was no one in the house. Lexa's mouth went dry. Clarke's face, now bare of make up, looked so young with blue eyes shining and a relaxed expression she never saw before.

She took a few steps in her direction, only to be grabbed by the hand and forced to sit on the chair.

"Sit down, you have make up everywhere". Clarke's face was only a few inches from hers and the blonde put a hand under her chin to raise her face. Gentle fingers stroke her cheeks, as Clarke passed the humid wipe around her eyes. Lexa could feel her warm breath on her lips and felt dizzy again.

Clarke was so concentrated in what she was doing, she didn’t seem be aware that her knees were brushing against Lexa’s, as she almost sat in her lap. The brunette noticed the shirt was a bit tight for the blonde but the soft and worn cotton looked still comfortable on her.

"There, all done", Clarke let her go with a final stroke and looked suddenly shy in her position between Lexa's legs. The brunette’s intense stare was on her, face now clean and so vulnerable.

Lexa mumbled a thanks and grabbed her pillow again. Now that the alcohol was almost completely out of her system, there was only place for exhaustion, headache and a hint of something she couldn't place, fuelled by seeing Clarke in her old track uniform, so young and tired.

The brunette put the pillow on the floor, ready to lie down on the rug with a plaid.

"Lex?", Clarke looked at her questioningly.

"You take the bed Clarke, you already brought me home and saved me from my sister's wrath. It's the least I could do". Lexa didn’t want to impose her presence and make Clarke uncomfortable but most of all didn’t want to betray herself. Drunkenly sharing a bed rarely ended up well.

Clarke rolled her eyes. That girl improvised a strip tease in front of her and now was preoccupied to protect her virtue by not sharing the bed. "There's no way you're sleeping on the floor. Tomorrow you're going to regret all that moonshine anyway, trust me. At least you’ll wake up still feeling your back". She grabbed the pillow and put it on the bed, then made her way under the sheets, leaving a generous amount of space for Lexa to lie down next to her and looked at her with expecting eyes.

Lexa took a big breath, before complying.

After all that happened that night, she was going to share the bed with Clarke. The same girl she wanted to fake break up with just a few hours ago. The same girl that took care of her so carefully, even if she didn’t have any real responsibility towards her.

The room was completely silent. Lexa laid on her back, eyes on the ceiling. Clarke turned to her, taking in her gentle profile and the sudden sadness in her eyes.

It was Lexa who spoke first. "Clarke...I just want to say I'm sorry if I ruined your party", she said, closing her eyes, tiredness finally kicking in.

"You didn't", Clarke rolled on her side, holding her head with a hand, “It was a fun night”, she tried to lighten the mood, “And the tequila body shot was actually hot”, she whispered almost in Lexa’s ear, laughing.

The brunette covered her eyes. “I can’t believe we did that”, she almost whined. The memory of their kiss and the almost faded hickey on Clarke’s neck sent a wave of heat through her body.

Clarke giggled at Lexa’s embarrassment, but no mocking in her laugh. Then she remained silent for a bit, just listening to Lexa's regular breathing. "What did Finn tell you?".

The brunette turned to look at her. "You don't have to worry. He's convinced we're together".

"That's not what I asked".

Lexa took a breath, they were going to have that conversation sooner or later. "He was pretty jealous, I think. He told me you'll always be bound to one another because you come from the same group", Lexa sighed, no point in hiding the rest. "And he simply pointed out the fact that I shouldn't get too comfortable in our relationship, 'cause soon you'll eventually get tired of me. Turns out Collins is a sore loser and wants to mark his territory even after he f*cked up”. Her head pulsed painfully and Lexa felt the same wave of hurt that hit her when Finn told her those words.

Clarke widened her eyes. A million thoughts run through her mind: the fact that Lexa and her were actually using each other and not a real couple, the softness of her lips when they kissed, how beautiful she looked in her dress, Finn's smug expression when he intercepted her eyes. And she was suddenly oh so tired, she felt it in her bones and let the sweet scent of Lexa's sheets lull her.

The blonde felt completely exhausted, but most of all incapable of formulating a thought. She knew Lexa actually expected her to say something and surprised herself with the need to tell her, really make her understand that nothing Finn said was true. Why was it so damn hard?

After a few minutes of silence, she heard Lexa's breath slow down and felt the warmth of her body, so near and jet still so far from her. And she did the only thing that felt right.

Careful not to startle the brunette and still looking at her closed eyes for a sign of discomfort, she moved near. Slowly, she put her head down on the pillow, an inch from her brown locks. Then, ever so slowly, she laid an arm around her waist.

Lexa's breath stopped and her body went rigid. She felt Clarke move near her, then her arm was around her middle and she lightly snuggled in the crook of her neck. Her blonde hair tickled, her warm hand was now gripping her hip.

All the angst of that night dissipated, just like that. Lexa felt her body start to relax again against Clarke's body, slightly turning to her to close the remaining distance between them. She was too tired to think about the consequences and to worry about the wave of contentment that invaded her.

Clarke lost herself in the warmth of Lexa's body and the calmness it gave her. She unconsciously started to draw lazy circles on Lexa's stomach with her fingers and brushed her nose under her jaw. In that moment Finn's harsh words were just a distant echo and it seemed like there was no need to put in words how in that moment Clarke was sure she could never grow tired of the girl she had in her arms.

Before letting herself fall asleep, Lexa moved her arm, which was still laying on her side. Her hand made her way on Clarke's, caressing its back.

Chapter 10: Saturday wait

Chapter Text

Lexa stirred, groaning. Her head hurt like hell and she just craved to wash her teeth. What did she drink yesterday? f*ck.

She opened her eyes, just to find herself in her own room. Thank God.

She was in her own bed, with someone else. Lexa turned slightly, feeling the warmth of another body.

Clarke Griffin, in all her sleeping beauty, was lightly snoring with her head on her shoulder and Lexa’s arm was under her. She immediately stopped herself from moving, not wanting to wake her up. Her blonde hair tickled her chin and suddenly she felt it: Clarke’s hand, on her stomach, under the t-shirt.

The brunette took a deep breath, suddenly she couldn’t concentrate on something other than Clarke’s fingers on her stomach, the way they delicately brushed her skin and the weight of the palm on her abs.

She tried to stay as still as she could, not really wanting to break the moment. The light of the morning came in from the window and she saw the dress she was wearing the night before thrown on the desk and Clarke’s clothes neatly put on the chair. Everything started to come back to her: the party, Clarke dancing, Finn’s harsh words, the tequila shot and the drive home. Clarke brought her home, made sure she was ok and spent the night.

Lexa widened her eyes and felt her cheeks turn red: and she did a f*cking strip tease in front of her. Clarke had seen her almost naked.

Clarke stirred a bit, only to snuggle more in the crook of her neck with a small moan.

Lexa moved the sheets a bit to cover her and put herself between the blonde and the window, in an attempt to prevent the light to wake her up. She deserved a bit of sleeping and she just looked so peaceful, so relaxed in her arms.

The brunette took a deep breath: Clarke Griffin was sleeping by her side wearing her clothes and it was a wonderful day outside. She caressed her face with her fingertips, tracing her cheek and moving her hair a bit from her forehead.

She was wildly attracted to Clarke Griffin, no point in denying it anymore.

A part of Lexa heard Finn’s words echo in her head, but she chose to ignore it. Just enjoy it while it lasts. She was aware that in her drunken state she thought of ending whatever she had with Clarke, because part of her was actually hurt by what Finn said. But she was sober now and not at a party of almost strangers. She hated the insecure version of herself that displayed last night, at least for the last part of it: fake or not fake, Clarke and her were together yesterday.

And, most of all, Clarke was the one to initiate the contact last night, that had to count for something. So the one question to answer now was: did she want their arrangement to end?-

A crashing noise from downstairs made her stir and definitely woke up Clarke. Lexa rolled her eyes, letting Clarke groan and squirm to hide herself more deeply between her neck and the pillow. Anya.

Clarke mumbled something, her fingers starting to move to caress Lexa’s stomach under the shirt. “What the hell is all this noise?”, she whined, refusing to open her eyes. The fact that she was waking up near Lexa seemingly left her unfazed.

Lexa brushed Clarke’s cheek, frowning at the offending noises still coming from downstairs. Seeing her like this, so relaxed and quiet in her bed, was something Lexa never expected to see but she felt she was already addicted to it.

“My sister’s home”, she explained. “And is doing one hell of a job in making my head explode”. She needed an aspirin and she needed it now.

“Mhhh”, Clarke turned on her stomach and put her head under the pillow, an arm still on Lexa’s middle. Lexa did nothing to move it and actually enjoyed the possessiveness a barely awake Clarke munstered. The blonde’s shirt had rolled up a bit, showing the end of her back and Lexa’s eyes were immediately captured.

More noise. f*ck Anya.

With a final roll of her eyes, Lexa started to leave the bed to go downstairs. She was beginning to stand up when Clarke grumbled again and captured her sleeping shirt in her hand. “Stay, you’re warm”, she whined again, tugging her close and burying herself in her neck, brushing her nose on her jaw.

Lexa laid down again, circling Clarke’s shoulders with one arm to drag her gently from under the pillow. She lowered herself next to the blonde, brushing a lock of hair away. “I’m going to make some coffee”, she whispered in her ear and couldn’t prevent a smile when she saw goose bumps form on Clarke’s neck.

Clarke’s hand let go of her shirt. “Come back only if you’re baring gifts”.

Lexa couldn’t prevent herself and kissed Clarke’s head, caressing her shoulder before leaving her room and the still sleepy blonde in her bed.

She closed the door, careful not to make more noise, and she went downstairs. Her sister was rummaging through the shelves, completely ignoring the noise she was making.

“Anya. What the hell are you doing?”

The older girl turned to look at Lexa, still in her sleeping outfit. “Good morning to you too, little sis!”

Lexa frowned, putting a hand on her forehead. “For God’s sake stop screaming”

“Someone drank too much last night”, Anya grinned, “Here, take these”, she put a blister of aspirin on the table and a bottle of water. “We don’t want mum to think her perfect daughter finally started living a little”.

Lexa took the pills and drank some water, just ignoring her sister, then started to make some coffee. The last thing she needed was Anya seeing Clarke so she preferred to remain silent.

Until the flush of water upstairs made Anya look at her. A devilish grin plastered all over her face. f*ck.

“Look at me Lex and please, please tell me that Clarke Griffin is upstairs and spent the night”

Lexa felt cold: she was completely and utterly trapped. So she did the only thing she could: rolled her eyes, filled two cups of coffee and turned to go back upstairs.

In that precise moment Clarke entered the kitchen, eyes still sleepy, her t-shirt clinging to her breasts and her golden locks tied in a bun.

“Hey”, she yawned, “You were taking too long”. Lexa could only pass her a cup of coffee, trying not to focus too much on her bare legs.

“Hey Anya”, she greeted Lexa’s older sister as if her being there was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Hey yourself”, Anya couldn’t stop grinning and Lexa rolled her eyes again. “So…did you have a good time yesterday?”

“More or less”, Lexa grumbled as she filled a plate for Clarke, full of eggs and bacon Anya just cooked, and put it in front of the blonde.

“Oh I’d say it was kind of fun Lex”, Clarke smirked, starting to eat. Lexa only looked at her, grabbing a piece of bacon from her plate with her fork. If they were sleeping in the same bed, it was only fair they shared food.

“It sounds like something I’d love to know”, Anya suggested, looking at her little sister: she had never seen Lexa so smitten and at the same time so at ease with someone that wasn’t her or their mum.

“I bet you would”, Clarke winked at her and Lexa tried to put herself between her sister and the blonde.

“Ok, enough, my head is still exploding. Clarke eat your breakfast, Anya stop being nosey”, she pointed her fork to her sister.

“Well it’s probably best if you make it explode at the children’s day care”, Anya pointed out, still chewing her scrambled eggs and unfazed by Lexa’s tone.

The brunette widened her eyes. f*ck.

“f*ck I’m late”, she run upstairs, coffee half finished and forgotten on the kitchen table.

Anya and Clarke stared at each other.

“If you hurt her, I’ll kill you and bury your body where no one would find you”, the older girl said casually.

“Is it supposed to be scary?”, Clake arched her eyebrow, even if Anya’s face actually kind of scary.

“No, it’s supposed to be a fair warning. Now go upstairs and dress, Lexa volunteers at the day care and she’s going to be late”. And on that final note, Anya turned and left.

As Clarke entered the room, Lexa was half naked with only jeans on, buttoning up a shirt half open on the front. That black bra, again, and in the daylight the view was definitely neater than last night. Clarke’s mouth went dry and she remained frozen on the entrance. She didn’t have any control over herself when it came to pretty girls. Especially if she woke up next to them.

Lexa turned to her, as if it was only natural to be seen without clothes. “Oh, hey. I’m really sorry Clarke but I have to be there in half an hour”, she sounded actually regretful, “But I can ask Anya to give you a lift home and-”

“There where exactly?”, Clarke interrupted her, playing with the hem of Lexa’s borrowed t-shirt and not so subtly stealing glances of Lexa and enjoying the view of her dressing herself with a cute expression on her face.

Lexa looked actually unsure, then took a deep breath. She was dressing like a monkey in front of the most beautiful girl in school who actually slept in her bed while she was completely drunk, and now she was going to tell her she had to go take care a bunch of children. And said girl was looking at her with such a sweet face, still dressed with her borrowed night clothes. Could her life suck any more than this?

“Ok, this is going to make me sound even lamer than the book club”, she continued dressing, trying not to look in Clarke’s direction. “I volunteer at the public children daycare not far from here every Saturday and I have to be there in half an hour because children expect me to teach them how to build a space ship with chairs and desks”.

Ok, could she be any more cute. Clarke had no words to define the girl in front of her who was now looking for socks, shirt half buttoned.

“Clarke look, I can ask Anya if she can take my place for a bit, until I take you back ho-”, Lexa jabbered, feeling really guilty. Clarke spent the night there making sure she was alright and Lexa was going to send her back home with just some coffee and bacon as a thank you. And she actually wouldn’t have minded to spend a quiet morning with her, if Clarke was free.

“Or…like, I could come with you?”, Clarke surprised herself asking. Sure, she was thinking about it, but she didn’t know what came into her when she actually proposed it. Well, she’d have liked to see Lexa put up with kids and if she was honest she wasn’t really looking forward to going home and say goodbye to Lexa so abruptly.

“What?”, Lexa widened her eyes. Was Clarke really suggesting to accompany her?

The blonde shrugged. “Why not? I mean, if you can teach them how to build stuff I’m pretty good at drawing. I impressed you, I sure can impress a bunch of kids”.

And Lexa laughed. Actually laughed maybe for the first time in front of Clarke, and the blonde felt her cheeks turn pink and her stomach fumble.

“Ok Picasso, you’re on. But before going we have to find you something to wear, I don’t want children to have their first unrequited crush on you and your Friday night outfit”.

Lexa started rummaging in her wardrobe in search of something.

“Hey! I was hot yesterday!”, Clarke retorted, frowning. She was, for God’s sake! Nobody ever complained about how she looked.

“Yes, you were”, Lexa smiled at her, suddenly not laughing and with a sincere smile on her face. Clarke’s stomach made another flip. “There, this top should fit and try on these jeans”.

°°°

Clarke walked next to Lexa. She was wearing a pair of loose fitting jeans, turned up because they were too long for her, and a soft top. On it, she insisted to steal Lexa’s leather jacket and Lexa actually didn’t put up much of a fight. She actually liked seeing Clarke with her clothes.

“And there’s this kid, he’s the smallest of the group and…Why are you smiling?”, Lexa frowned, seeing Clarke’s happy expression while she rambled about the children they were going to tend to.

Clarke turned, a soft grin on her lips and her hands in the jacket’s pockets. “Well it’s a beautiful morning and I’m going to see you turn into a teacher”, she smiled wickedly, raising her eyebrows.

“Shut up”, Lexa’s cheeks turned pink and Clarke linked their arms, dragging her to the entrance of the day care.

And just like that the most surreal morning Lexa ever spent there began.

Children were screaming everywhere, until a bunch of them came around her and begged her to immediately start building the space ship, which she promised the week before and was since then become the most awaited activity.

She was captured by kids but turned to see where Clarke was. Clarke and children? She didn’t know if it was a good mix. Until she saw her walk straight to the small table full with charcoals and a group of more quiet children immediately looked at her with curious eyes, sitting around her.

Clarke intercepted her stare and just waved, practically dismissing her and pointing with one finger at the screaming monsters around her, raising her eyebrows in a daring stare and earning a smile from the brunette.

“Ok kids, to build a proper space ship first we need a project”, Lexa spoke seriously and the children stopped screaming to listen to her. Masking a grin, she started giving instructions to each one of them and began the construction, completely unaware of blue eyes observing her with a fond smile.

°°°

Lexa intercepted one of the running kids and grabbed him a second before he fell on the ground, he screamed a thanks before starting to run again in circle around the newly made space ship.

“You should bring her more often”, one of the older ladies that volunteered there came near her, smiling.

Lexa turned in the direction of the woman’s gaze, “Yes, I really should”.

Clarke was seated on a small chair, drawing on an even smaller table. Her golden locks were falling freely around her face as she traced lines with the charcoals, patiently explaining the children what she was doing. A group of kids looked at her mesmerized, mouths half open in stupor as they observed her drawings take form.

Lexa could not think, she just felt a wave of affection running through her and her stomach dropped.

“…and here’s the baby penguin with her mum, as Ally asked”, Clarke smiled at the little girl who was looking at her as if she was a magician, and gave her the drawing.

“Thank you”, she said, nodding seriously with her head and taking with great care the piece of paper with the two penguins she asked for.

Clarke couldn’t prevent her smile. She never ever felt like this before in her entire life: unbearably flattered by the children’s conquered stares and so full of desire to make them happy.

“Clarke, look at what I drew!”, a kid ran to her, extending his small hand with a wrinkled piece of paper.

She caught him and made him sit on her knee to take a look at the drawing. “It’s beautiful Aden, look at those trees, you did them just as we said!”, she saw the triumphant expression on the boy’s face and smiled at him. “Every artist has to sign his artwork”, she took the small hand still holding a green charcoal in hers and led it to write A-D-E-N in capital letters.

Clarke didn’t hear Lexa approach, too caught up in the little boy’s ramblings as he was describing his dog, in order to make Clarke draw it.

A gentle hand came on her shoulder and the blonde turned. “Hey”, Clarke smiled at Lexa, Aden still in her lap, and Lexa thought she hasn’t ever seen a girl more beautiful.

“Hey, it’s time to go”, Lexa whispered, but the small boy heard and started whining.

“No Clarke!” Aden gripped her t-shirt and refused to be put down.

“But your mum is here Aden”, Lexa tried to persuade him, caressing his head.

“But Clarke said she would draw Spike”, he almost sobbed, pouting at Clarke.

The brunette looked uncertain: what was she supposed to say? In her case, she could calm the kids by promising them to be there next week, but Clarke’s presence today was just an accident.

“I’ll tell you what Aden, next week I’ll teach you to draw Spike, how does it sound?”, Clarke’s soft voice immediately calmed the boy, who basically obtained what he wanted. Lexa widened her eyes: what? She stared at Clarke as the little boy left to run to her mother.

“It was very sweet, but you don’t have to really com-”, she tried to tell her. Aden’s pouting was irresistible, but it was completely unrealistic that Clarke would be back next week. She didn’t even know if they would speak again next week.

Clarke smiled at Lexa. “I want to”, and she actually meant it, “Besides, it’s nice to be appreciated for my art”, she proudly showed Lexa the drawings spread on the small desk.

Lexa chuckled, looking at the flowers, animals and dinosaurs Clarke drew for the children and unconsciously grabbed her hand. “C’mon Picasso, you earned yourself a coffee”.

°°°

They left the day care, leaving a bunch of whining children behind them.

“I feel like I should be offended by being replaced so easily”, Lexa frowned. With her hand still securely in Clarke’s, she felt completely at ease.

They walked to the nearest Starbucks and both placed their order. Clarke started looking for her wallet, but Lexa immediately took a few bills from her pocket, paying for their coffees and dropping a few coins as a tip.

Clarke stared at her, as Lexa smiled politely at the waitress. It was just a coffee, but still she didn’t expect Lexa to pay for her. She started rummaging in her purse, “I can pay you back”

“It’s alright, Clarke, I got it”, Lexa dismissed her lightly, taking her from the elbow to move from the cashier and wait for their order to be ready. Was it out of line? She found herself doubting her gesture, looking at Clarke’s almost shy face.

“Clarke!”, a feminine voice distracted them, as a blonde girl a few years older than them approached them.

“Hey Nylah”, Clarke smiled, recognising the girl from the art gallery downtown. “How is it going?”

The blonde raised her eyebrows, sending an appreciative look at Clarke and scrutinizing Lexa from head to toes. “I am fine and you are too, it seems. Who’s this one?”

Lexa immediately went rigid. She didn’t like the girl one bit. She didn’t like her winking tone or the way she was looking at Clarke and she made it clear by stepping a bit in front of the blonde, not actually caring if it looked possessive. “I’m Lexa”, she extended her hand in a formal way.

Nylah grabbed it, still smirking. “Nylah, the friend from the art gallery. And you’re Lexa, the...”, she subtly provoked.

“The girlfriend”, she immediately answered, not losing a beat and still glaring at her.

“Ookey”, Clarke took the two wrists and disentangled the two girls’ hands, “It was nice to bump into you Ny but we have to go”. She kept Lexa’s hand and dragged her to the exit, a small tray with their coffee in the other hand.

Clarke didn’t have time to think, because if she did, she would have frozen in front of Lexa. It was the first time the brunette actually acknowledged their relationship by calling her her girlfriend. Was it because she was jealous? It definitely had something to do with jealousy. But she didn’t want to analyze now the implications of Lexa being really jealous in their really fake relationship. Well, fake or not fake, she couldn’t prevent a wave of joy running through her veins as she dragged a very angry Lexa outside the café.

Nylah didn’t try to follow them but waved at her, a mocking expression on her face. Just before they opened the door, she said, “We’re still waiting for your artwork Clarke”.

Clarke went still for a moment and let Lexa open the door for her. She sent the older blonde a tentative smile and nodded uncertainly.

°°°

“Clarke”, Lexa tentative voice awakened her from her thoughts.

They were walking side by side, silent. Lexa couldn’t believe what she just did: she called Clarke her girlfriend in front of a complete stranger who had nothing to do with school, Finn or whatever reason they were faking their relationship. And it came so naturally out of her mouth that she didn’t have time to think before saying it.

Well, it was actually a honest mistake, considering it was two weeks now that they faked their relationship and that girl’s behaviour was more than annoying. Ok, annoying if she were a real girlfriend and not someone who thought of breaking up whatever they had just the night before.

“Clarke, I’m sorry if I stepped a line calling you my girlfriend, but that girl was out of line too-”

Clarke turned to look at her, an interrogative expression on her face.

“- and you’re not thinking about what happened inside”, Lexa concluded. So Clarke wasn’t irritated by the fact that she used the g-title in front of a stranger with no virtual interest in her private life.

Clarke arched her eyebrows. Oh yes, the girlfriend thing. “Do you really want to over analyse it right now Lex?”.

Sure, they had to talk, but right now there was something else in her mind and she wasn’t actually bothered by Lexa’s way of stepping up. If anything, she was oddly flattered.

Lexa looked at her with piercing eyes. Did she really want to go down that road and explain something she didn’t even know how to justify to herself? .

“Probably not”, she mumbled in response.

They continued walking, Clarke more broody than ever and Lexa felt like she missed on something. Clarke was always so intense that having her silent beside her felt awkward and simply not right.

Fine. Lexa stopped abruptly, sitting on a bench in front of a small park. At first Clarke didn’t notice it and just proceeded, then she came back theatrically sitting near the brunette.

“What now?”, she asked exasperated.

Lexa calmly sipped her coffee, staring at her. “You tell me”

Clarke frowned. “Tell you what, exactly?”

“If it wasn’t the g-word that we’re not going to mention because we have already enough things to process, it was something else. Just tell me what”, Lexa continued her staring, totally unfazed by Clarke’s attempt to be distant.

Clarke snorted and sat in silence for a few long minutes, all the good mood from the morning with the kids completely forgotten. Lexa didn’t move, just continued sipping her coffee as if she didn’t mind waiting for as long as it took. She wasn’t Indra’s daughter for nothing, she learned patience.

“Fine!” Clarke threw her arms in the air, exasperated. “It was the gallery thing ok?”, she almost screamed.

Lexa turned, an interested expression as if they didn’t stay silent for almost ten minutes. “Elaborate”.

Clarke rolled her eyes, but complied. Arguing with Lexa was totally useless and she learned it the hard way the first time they had a fight. “She told me the gallery she works for is waiting for an artwork of mine. It’s due to Monday, but I’m not going to present anything so…”. She crossed her arms, as if the matter was closed.

“So the art gallery downtown asked you for an artwork to expose and you’re thinking of not doing it”, Lexa surely had the gift of summarizing perfectly. “Why?”.

Clarke shrugged, still looking at her feet. “Why should I? It’s a hobby anyway”

Lexa turned more, tentatively putting a hand on Clarke’s arm and stroking with her thumb the hand that was gripping her forearm. “Well it can be more. You just have to try and this is the perfect occasion”.

“No it can’t”, Clarke’s tone was definitive. “You’ve met my mother. Art is simply not part of my choices and I’m actually not that good at it anyway”.

“Who told you that?”, Lexa insisted and Clake couldn’t take it anymore.

“Oh c’mon Lex, stop it”, her tone was defensive. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I really do. But you literally just saw me painting a sh*tty murales and it’s not like you know anything about art”. It was harsh, she knew it, but she deluded herself enough and didn’t need someone else to fuel it anymore.

Lexa’s looked at her, more curious than annoyed by her words. “I’m not saying it because I personally think you’re good”. Clarke widened her eyes and Lexa rolled hers, wrong choice of words. Why everything had to be so difficult with Clarke? “What I mean is: I personally think you’re good but I know that my opinion doesn’t count. I’m saying that if you really like doing art you have to give yourself the chance to do it, even if your mother doesn’t agree”.

“You make it sound so damn easy”, Clarke abandoned her head on the bench.

“I know it’s not but the thing is: if you don’t give yourself the chance now you’re going to regret it and frankly there’s no reason not to present something to the gallery”, Lexa reasoned.

“Only my scarred pride if they refuse it”, Clarke snorted.

Lexa took a breath, Clarke was hard to break but she was stubborn enough. “Ok, let me tell you something. I can’t afford college and that’s a fact. Sill, I want to go to the best damn school of this country and become a lawyer. Call it pride, call it getting back at all the people that treated me poorly cause I’m from the system. I know my chances are low but I believe in myself enough to try, because I know that if someone gives me a chance I’m going to make the best of it”, Lexa stopped and simply looked at Clarke, “If I can do it, you can too and if you say you can’t it’s just because you’re a coward”.

Clarke’s eyes widened and she opened and closed her mouth, not finding any words and uncertain between feeling insulted and oddly flattered. “You’re sh*tty at pep talks, anyone told you that Woods?”

Lexa looked smug. “Scarred pride my ass Griffin. I know you’re good, you know you’re good and probably also that horrible girl from the cafe knows it”, she gripped Clarke’s hand more strongly.

“I know I love doing it”, Clarke almost whispered, earning a grimace from Lexa. “And objectively speaking I know I don’t suck”, she conceded.

“So what’s stopping you? Don’t tell me your mother’s the problem. I saved our asses from police, I surely can smuggle a canvas from your house to the art gallery without her knowing”, Lexa reasoned, already planning it. If the canvas was the one she saw in Clarke’s bedroom, she could easily put it in the back of Anya’s car.

“It’s not only that Lex”, Clarke seemed uncertain to go on, but the expectant expression on the brunette’s face didn’t leave room to avoid it. Clarke turned fully to her, finally meeting her eyes, “What if I am actually good at it, not just according to you and me but also for a real art gallery”.

“What then?”, Lexa didn’t understand what Clarke was trying to tell her.

Clarke shrugged. “What am I going to do afterwards? Fight the final battle with my mother to go to Art school?”, the blonde paled, just thinking about confronting Abby about it.

Lexa threw away the two empty cups of coffee. She looked at the blonde who was staring at her with a face so open and vulnerable her stomach tightened. She was not in a position to promise anything, but in that exact moment she felt like she would always defend that girl against anyone who tried to put her down.

The brunette circled Clarke’s shoulders with her arm in a light hug, brushing her arm with her fingers in a soothing way. “Let’s take a step at a time. Today you mesmerized a noisy group of kids, tomorrow you’re going to impress a bunch of strangers who use difficult words. The day after that it could be your mother or it could be yourself you manage to surprise”.

Clarke took a breath and let her head fall on Lexa’s shoulder, her blonde locks tickling her jaw.

“Thank you”, her voice was no more than a whisper.

She angled to fit better under Lexa’s arm and the two remained seated like that, until Lexa turned slightly to press a light kiss on her forehead and held her more firmly.

Chapter 11: I don't care if Monday's black

Chapter Text

***

Clarke jumped, doing a backflip and closing it perfectly. Cheerleading was actually one of the only things that could distract her and she winked at Raven and Octavia, but secretly eyeing the bleachers.

Lexa sat there, her book forgotten on the bench, her eyes glued to her. Clarke smiled: that was indeed a nice sensation.

“God Griffin, that girl can really make you smile, did you already get in her pants?”, Raven mocked her.

Clarke couldn’t prevent herself from visualizing Lexa’s pants. Together with that, she visualized an almost naked Lexa in her room last weekend, when they shared a bed: her cleavage, her toned legs and her clean face after she got rid of her make-up. No, she refused to be turned on by the sole mental image of a girl.

She turned red. “Raven! Mind your own business!”, she scolded her.

“Oh my God Clarke, you have never been so reserved and secretive. We heard all the sordid details of your previous hook ups, why are you so tight lipped with this one?”, Gina’s voice came from behind her and Clarke instantly hated her words.

“Leave it guys”, she tried to change the subject. She didn’t feel comfortable discussing her relationship - or lack of it - with her fellow cheerleaders. Octavia and Raven were her friends, but she didn’t trust the others to be discreet about anything and she actually didn’t want to spread any unwanted gossip around, especially if Lexa was the subject.

“She’s probably even more boring in bed than she is in person!”This time it was Jen speaking and laughs came from the girls around her.

Just like that, she felt anger grow. “What did you just say?” she frowned at them and they immediately stopped laughing.

“Oh c’mon Griffin, you and the book nerd are probably the most awkward couple of our year! I mean, I get that Finn must be jealous as hell but you can’t seriously tell me miss I-know-it-all is actually fun to be around”, Jen went on, feeling stronger thanks to the giggles around them.

Clarke glared at her, ready to respond, opening her mouth to shout at her. But shout what?

“This is a training, not chat-hour! C’mon girls!”, the coach called them, clapping her hands and making them regroup in formation to rehearse the routine again.

She started moving in perfect sync with the other cheerleaders. She really wanted to put Jen back in her place but suddenly she found herself at a loss: her first reaction was to defend Lexa as she did in front of Finn at the party but at the same time her insecurities came back. Was it really so strange to see them together? Did they really make so little sense as a couple?

And, most of all, did she want them to make sense?

***

Clarke averted her eyes. She didn’t want to dignify what Costia was saying but it was really hard for her not to be affected by her words. She felt a rush of cold: what if it was true? Well she was not going to let her see it. If Costia was being a bitch, she could be one too.

She passed her fingers through her hair, in perfect cheerleader mode, putting on a plastic smile. “It’s curious how much thought you put into this, it seems like Finn is leaving you a lot of free time. Tell me again, why weren’t you with him at Raven’s party last weekend?”, she feigned stupidity.

From the shade of hurt on Costia’s face, she didn’t know Finn was there.

“Oh, you didn’t know he was there?”, she laughed. “You don’t have to worry though: I’m sure he and Raven are just really good friends”.

The brunette paled. Ok, that was really a low blow.

“You’re nothing more than a vapid brat. Nothing you ever do will be enough for Lexa: she’s spoiling you now to piss me off, then she'll just forget you ever existed”, she hissed. “Did you know we had a nickname for you? Lexa actually invented it, ‘cause she has such a vivid fantasy”, she grinned, even if it was evident she was still shaken. “Easy C...you know, like the movie”.

Easy, that damn word again. Clarke felt like she got slapped. Was the one Costia was talking about the same Lexa who told her she was the furthest from easy, that first night they were truly alone together?

“Appropriate, if you ask me”, the brunette went on. “Finn told me the exact same thing: you were just that easy to forget”. And with that Costia stormed out of the locker room.

f*ck, what the hell did just happen and what was that pain inside her chest.

***

Lexa was waiting for Clarke at the entrance of the school and she read the same line of her book for the third time, before helplessly closing it. Something was wrong in the blonde’s behaviour, and it was not just the angst for the gallery’s response.

She perceived it the day before and the fastidious sensation didn’t leave her this morning. Lexa thought back at Clarke’s blank expression when she saw her waiting after her cheerleading practice. The blonde was even more broody than during the day, but this time she distinctly felt that it had something to do with her. She just waved at her, hugged her stiffly and left, saying that her parents were waiting for her at home.

She asked what was wrong, ‘cause of course she did, by sending her a text the same night, but the blonde was more than evasive. A lot of proper but brief answers and no jokes, like she was texting with a stranger.

Was it going to see her practice too much? Lexa didn’t actually think too deeply before going, it just felt right, but maybe Clarke took it like a lack of tact and an invasion, just like that one time she didn’t want her to see her painting.

It just didn’t make any sense, she was sure she had seen Clarke smile at her from the field. And she actually thought that their relationship moved on from the fake one to a one of friendship, at least.

Well, friends who kiss, but still.

She saw Clarke park her car in the school parking lot, close the door and look for her, send her a small smile and then avert her eyes.

Yes, something was very wrong.

Lexa walked in Clarke’s direction with decision. If she did something wrong or even if she trespassed an invisible line she didn’t know was off limits she just wanted to know it. She didn’t like to be kept at a distance and, in spite of asking her for less rollercoaster and more planning, she continued having a hard time reading the blonde: one night they were kissing at Raven’s party, the other day she was almost avoiding her.

“Hey”, Clarke smiled again, waiting for her by her car instead of moving in her direction. The smile didn’t reach her eyes and she looked almost shy, looking away immediately and buttoning the clip of her cardigan.

“Hey”, Lexa greeted. She didn’t know how to act: was it ok if she kissed her? Clarke didn’t show any signs she wanted to be kissed, especially by her. The blonde started walking in the school’s direction, not even taking the hand Lexa actually extended her.

Ok, that was enough.

She grabbed Clarke’s hand and entwined their fingers, leading her inside and then in the science laboratory she was sure was void the first period. She didn’t listen to the cheerleaders week attempts to ask her what she was doing: Clarke knew perfectly that something was wrong and Lexa was not someone she could fool or just expect to not address the elephant in the room. Well, apart from the gigantic one that happened to be the undefined relationship between them.

“Ok blondie, now talk to me”, she closed the door, let go of her hand and stared at her, crossing her arms.

For the first time since she met her, Clarke looked actually defeated. Lexa took a step to her, trying a different approach.

“Clarke, look at me. What happened?”, she tried. She couldn’t think of anything that could cause such a reaction.

Clarke rolled her eyes, looking everywhere but at Lexa. What was she supposed to say? She knew Lexa wouldn’t put up with her attitude and was going to confront her, but she actually hoped to have more time to process the conversation with Costia from the day before.

She even tried to act normal, but Lexa wasn’t easy to fool. When did she become so easy to read? And what was she even supposed to say? Your ex girlfriend made me realize what we have is fake, which is actually something we agreed on in the first place? Oh, and I didn’t have the guts to step up for you in front of some moronic cheerleader.

“Let it go Lex...it’s going to be fine tomorrow”, she tried, hoping for Lexa to get it and let her walk out of that classroom.

Lexa took a big breath. Clarke was the most stubborn person she knew and that passive-aggressive attitude didn’t simplify things for her.

“Ok, let me tell you my perspective of this crisis you’re having. Three days ago everything was fine, almost great I’d say. I risked being killed by your mother to drag you and the painting to the gallery, then you had every right to be broody and I let you be. Yesterday everything was still fine, so I decided to come and see your practice and I actually just thought it was something nice to do, considering you did the same for me, but after that everything collapsed”, she spoke quietly, but she was more agitated than ever. Ok, she decided to confront Clarke, but that could actually just blow in her face. Was she ready to hear the blonde just got tired of pretending?

“I’m not even trying to explain in which sense, cause I know you know what I’m talking about”, she went on, “I just want to say I’m sorry if coming to the field was something unwanted, I can back off if my presence was too much” She was interrupted by Clarke.

“Lexa, I was happy to see you there”, she continued staring at the window, keeping a book as a shield in front of her.

“So what made you act like this?” she just pointed at her. “What did I do to upset you?”

“It was not you, ok?” Clarke finally said. There, it was out now. She didn’t want to give out too many explanations, but it wasn’t right to make Lexa feel like she did something wrong yesterday.

“Then who was it?” Lexa was completely in the dark now. Someone made Clarke upset? Was it Finn again?

“If I tell you, I want you to do absolutely nothing about it. Are we clear?”. Clarke didn’t even know why she was asking for it: what did it matter if Lexa got angry at Costia? It was just that she didn’t want to make it into a big thing, at least not bigger than it already was. Cause it was not: Lexa and her were faking it and Lexa was entitled to think what she wanted of her. She had more than one reason to do it actually, considering she didn’t defend her in front of her friends.

Lexa just stared at her darkly, without answering.

“Ok, I got ambushed by Costia yesterday”. There was no other way to say it. Lexa looked at her, astonished. Costia spoke to Clarke?

“She...she actually said some things to me that made me think about what we’re doing and”, she just stopped, to think about the words she was going to say. “And Lexa I want you to know I’m sorry I dragged you into this thing and I know we are not actually dating and that I was a bitch to you in the past-”, she completely lost it, just to be interrupted by Lexa.

“Clarke, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did Costia say to you?”, Lexa tried again, she didn’t get why Clarke was apologizing and she just had a bad sensation of where this conversation was going to end to.

Clarke helplessly smiled. “Oh, don’t worry. I was as bad to her as she was to me. The thing is, I know I don’t have any right to want to know things about you that you shared with her. We’re not even dating for God’s sake, but I thought we were actually bonding and she made me realize I didn’t even ask why you wanted to go to New York-”, she reasoned, as if Lexa was supposed to understand what she was talking about.

“Because my birth certificate says I was born there”, Lexa didn’t lose the bit. She knew Costia and she was starting to get what the brunette tried to do, or actually succeeded in doing by messing with Clarke.

“Oh”, Clarke stopped, “You don’t have to tell me, you know”.

“Clarke, please tell me what Costia told you”, Lexa was furious and exasperated. Why was it so hard to make the blonde talk and what did Costia want with her.

“That girls like you don’t like girls like me, Lexa. Which is actually obvious, considering that I wasn’t even able to defend you from some stupid comments said by an even more stupid cheerleader.”

Lexa took the book from Clarke’s grip, then her hands were on Clarke’s forearms, effectively stopping her rambling.

“Clarke, look at me”, she searched for Clarke’s eyes, drawing calming circles with her thumbs on her arms. “I genuinely like you”. She didn’t want to go around it, she just wanted to say it out loud. Her words didn’t have the effect she hoped for.

Clarke looked away again, stepping back. “She said you nicknamed me Easy C. Like...like the movie. You told me the exact opposite just a few weeks ago Lexa. I don’t blame you for it, f*ck, I even understand why you think I am like that, but it actually hurt to hear it from someone else”. Clarke tried to compose herself, she was not going to cry in front of Lexa for something Costia said.

Lexa tried to stay calm. She actually did say it: it was one of her and Costia’s jokes from last year, something private and stupid. And Clarke had every reason to feel hurt.

“Clarke, now you listen to me. I was a self-righteous bitch when I said it, and too in love with Costia to care about anyone else. I didn’t know you and everybody was talking about you: you were an easy target and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve that nickname and I feel even worse about it now that I know you. But most of all you didn’t deserve to hear it now, from an even bigger bitch that had no f*cking right to…” she stopped and closed her fists, feeling anger grow, fueled by the pained expression on Clarke’s face.

Clarke’s hand cautiously grabbed hers. “Lex it’s all right. It hurt, that’s all. But it made me realize some of it was true”, she sounded resigned. “I didn’t stand up for you in front of Jen, who basically did the same thing you did to me with that nickname, back when we didn’t know each other. And… and you were smiling at me from the bleachers and I didn’t say a f*cking thing to defend you. Maybe we just have to acknowledge it and just...I don’t know”.

Ok, everything was falling and it was falling fast. And Lexa didn’t like it one bit. Clarke let go of her hand and looked at her directly, her eyes lucid.

“Clarke, now you listen to me. I don’t care if you defended me in front of some cheerleader, I can defend myself and I never cared for what people think about me. You were taken by surprise and there’s a big difference between your teammate and Costia: she said something stupid based on gossip. Costia said something mean to hurt you”. She had to be brave this time. “I know it doesn’t even start to cover the loads of things we have to clear up about this relationship but the thing is I like you, even if I didn’t at first. I do now, and I care what you think about me and I feel like I want to tell you things like the one about New York. And, most of all, I care that Costia used something private about me to hurt you, so I’m going to kiss you now because it feels right and it’s still a fake girlfriend’s privilege. Then I’m going to go look for her”.

Clarke widened her eyes and stepped forward, trying to grab Lexa to prevent her to leave. “No Lex, what…”. She was silenced by the brunette’s lips over hers. Lexa caressed her jaw and circled her waist with her arms, leaving small kisses on her lips and waiting for Clarke to respond. She changed the angle, grabbing Clarke’s lower lip between her teeth and gently sucking it.

They vaguely heard the bell ring and separated, keeping foreheads together.

“Lex, you promised not to do anything about it”, Clarke whispered to her, her voice deep and her throat dry after the kiss. Lexa gave her another small peck and stroke on her lower back.

“I did no such thing”. She put a lock of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear. “Don’t be late for class, I’ll talk to you later”.

And with that she left, leaving Clarke alone in class, just thinking of what just happened and the fact that, yes, that was the first kiss they shared without the need to put up a scene for someone.

She licked her lips, feeling the taste of Lexa’s sweet lipstick and took a big breath. That girl was really going to cause her some trouble.

***

Lexa waited for Costia to be alone.

One of the perks of being together for so long, was that she knew exactly where to find her at every moment of the day. And there she was, in the women toilets next to her class, during the third period brake.

She opened the door and closed it behind her, locking it. Then she just leaned on the door.

“Was it really necessary?” Lexa knew Costia got what she was referring to. The brunette just smiled, mockingly.

“I see...She ran to you and now you’re playing the knight in the shining armour. So tell me Lexa, what did I say that was not accurate?", Costia crossed her arms. It was the first time Lexa actually saw her without the shade of feelings she so easily associated with her. And Costia looked like an angry girl, satisfied to have caused a reaction.

“Well, for starters girls like me fall really easily for girls like Clarke”. Did she really say fall? “The point is: you hurt her and you had no reason to do it”.

Costia stopped smiling and looked at her accusingly. “Oh for God’s sake Lexa, she’s a cheerleader. I get you’re angry and you want me to be jealous but it’s not working, I know you and I know this little act you two put on is just a way to get back at Finn and I. I just wanted her to see that nothing you have is true, not like what we had”. She spoke slowly, as if Lexa was supposed to agree to what she was saying.

Lexa went near her, reflecting herself in the same mirror Costia was using to reapply her make up.

“Let me be clear about something. What Clarke and I have has nothing to do with our past relationship so don’t mess with her head bringing up stupid nicknames or stupid promises I made you. You left me, you cheated on me and I moved on, now you deal with it”.

Costia turned, infuriated. “Stupid promises? Was New York a stupid promise for you Lexa? You didn’t tell her what it means to you, you just want to please her the same way you wanted to please me and she thinks she has all of you but she doesn’t. Not like I did!”

“And you threw it away Costia! Lexa raised her voice. She was not going tolisten to Costia spit in her face and make her feel guilty by bringing up promises she made when Costia was the one who threw away everything they had.

“Because you were not into it!”, the brunette screamed, her brown eyes like fire.

“Is that why you cheated on me Costia? Cause you felt I was not into it you decided that screwing with Collins was all right?” Lexa couldn’t contain her anger, for what Costia told Clarke but most of all for herself. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Well ask yourself why it took you so long to figure it out!” Costia answered, face deformed by anger.

“Because I trusted you when you said you loved me like I loved you Costia”. Lexa said it slowly. She felt drained and tired to be there with a person she didn’t recognise anymore.

“I loved you when you were not acting like you carried the weight of the world on your shoulders Lexa. God, you were so f*cking needy, with all your dreams to fulfilland fighting against a world that screwed you. You were rarely happy and always driven to prove everyone wrong. You never wanted to have fun. It was so f*cking hard to be near you when you were like that and now all I see is this new version of you, all smiley and walking hand in hand with a blonde bimbo, making out in corridors and going to parties!”, Costia looked at her, jealousy and hurt written on her face.

“So you cheated on me cause I bored you?”

“No, I...It just felt like you wanted me to be something I was not and he was simply there to lift all that pressure”.

“If you love someone, Costia, you don’t get to choose which side of her you prefer. Now you have your fun and a golden boy who fools around. I hope he’s enough carefree for your taste”.

“And you want me to believe you actually love her like you loved me?”, she spit, daring her to confess something she wasn’t even ready to address with that name.

Chapter 12: Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack

Chapter Text

Lexa disappeared for the whole weekend. Something about going to an anticipated small college tour, even if she failed to mention that little fact earlier in the week during one of their many conversations, before the whole Costia debacle.

She just disappeared without saying anything other than sending a weird text that talked about how she already booked tickets. There’s no excuse for her not to say anything.

Clarke knew the only place Lexa considered attending was Columbia, but decided against asking for more details. Lexa didn't tell her anything and felt like it would be an unwanted intrusion the girl’s life. More than likely Lexa had already meticulouslyplanned this New York trip a long time ago. It was most likely a trip for two people – Lexa and Costia.

An unpleasant sensation invaded her. Costia’s words echoed in her mind: her allusive voice, saying that she knew nothing about Lexa, her dreams and her goals. Even if she knew Lexa got angry at Costia for harassing her, the other girl’s words stayed with Clarke.

It was true, she didn’t know a thing about Lexa, even though Lexa knew the most important things about her and she even helped her pursue it. It was unsettling to say the least and she wanted to change it. Acknowledging that their relationship was not entirely fake - Lexa kissed her before disappearing, for God’s sake.

So she didn't ask about New York, and she didn't ask about Lexa’s confrontation with Costia. Clarke knew Lexa did something, otherwise Costia would have looked at her in the eyes the last time they crossed paths at school.

So that was it: Lexa left with a simple text saying she was going to be back in a few days and Clarke spent the whole weekend catching up with her friends. She also went to the first football match of the season, she cheered and their team won. Finn scored the last point, so of course everyone treated him like he was a golden boy and he loved the attention.

Clarke vaguely remembered telling Lexa she was going to come to the first match to finally understand how football worked. Ok, she totally remembered and was actually looking forward to see a nervous brunette on the bleachers looking down at her.

On Saturday night Octavia asked her about Lexa. They were seated by Raven’s pool and she let slip some tentative questions about where the brunette was, ‘cause of course Lincoln told her she was not on the bleachers. She answered calmly, dismissing any allusion of problems between them and continued drinking her beer even if she wasn't sure how much she was lying.

The thing was, Clarke didn’t know if she was allowed to tell her friends that Lexa was in New York. She didn’t know if Lexa wanted other people to know things about her, and most of all didn’t know if she wanted Clarke to divulge them. So, she just settled on telling Octavia that Lexa was away with her family, without specifying where or if they had a fight as O suggested. The blonde gained a strange look from her friend, as if she saw right through her.

Raven just looked at her without saying anything. Her past words echoed in Clarke's mind: at the end of the day, she was still bound to come back to her original group of friends. A closed circle that wasn't really keen on accepting new people.

Clarke tried to text Lexa during those days but failed every time. Sure, they texted all the time during the week and it actually became something they did even if it was not related to their plan, which was now more and more lining in the background. Seeing Lexa was one thing, knowing she was in New York on a trip she planned with someone else was completely different.

After a day and a half of pondering and a few beers in her system she finally reached Lexa via text.

Clarke: how’s NYC ?

She pressed send before overthinking it and immediately regretted it. How lame was that? f*ck. When did she become so incapable of having a normal relationship with a girl? A girl she was supposedly dating.

She was half away through the fourth beer when her pocket vibrated.

A picture of Lexa popped up. A picture of Lexa taking a clumsy selfie in a cute Columbia sweater, smiling at the camera with an expression she never saw on her face. She looked completely and utterly content. And she looked incredibly beautiful. She didn’t know when she started to look at her that way, but now it was impossible for her to look at Lexa and not acknowledge how incredible she was with her piercing green eyes and perfect face.

In her drunken state she almost wrote it to her, putting a small red heart after the words.

Clarke: You look beaut….

She cancelled it, looking around to be sure nobody was looking at her. Since when did she care so much? She was in that same house, Raven’s house, with Lexa just a few weeks ago and didn’t have any problems making out with her in front of a bunch of kids, while drinking shots.

What was the harm in sending a nice text to her fake girlfriend, turned accomplice in crime, with the canvas smuggling?

Clarke: You look cute

Again, she pressed send before changing her mind.

“Hey Griff, texting your girlfriend?”, Raven’s voice came from behind her.

Clarke blushed, taking another sip of her beer. sh*t, she still wasn’t used to hearing Lexa be called her girlfriend, even if she technically was.

“You’re at a party and spending your time looking gloomy and sending texts. Trouble in paradise?”

Clarke looked at the bottom of the glass, considering it. No trouble, as far as she thought.

“No, she’s just away”, she curtly explained, “And I’m not broody”.

“Yes, you are…”, Raven went on talking, but all Clarke could focus on was her cell phone vibrating with a new message.

Lexa: I bet you look cute too. Where are you?

A warmth spread in her body and she didn’t even hear Raven leaving.

Clarke: Raven’s. Be safe

Clarke distractedly saw Finn entering the living room but didn’t actually spend a minute considering his presence there.

Maybe things did really change.

***

Lexa saw Clarke at the entrance of the gym. It was cheerleading practice day and Lexa was on the bleachers, one eye on the pages of a book, the other on Clarke in the field. It became quite a habit for her and she actually came to like watching the practice.

After the first time, she actually asked Clarke every single time she came, just to be sure she wasn’t trespassing or breaking any unwritten rule, but Clarke said yes every time, easing her fears.

Sure, she still got some inquisitive gazes from the other cheerleaders and people in general, but the idea that she was with Clarke, the most wanted of all the cheerleaders, was now something everybody in the school knew.

Clarke took a jump and Lexa followed her, attentive eyes fixed on her neat landing. Wow, she was actually the most ethereal girl she knew. How she did it was a mystery to Lexa. The blonde managed to be the messy artist with paint splattered hands and this graceful butterfly.

Lexa thought of the texts they exchanged while she was in New York. After her confrontation with Costia, the brunette didn’t really know how to approach Clarke and actually spent the day questioning herself on what she told Costia. Was it all some ruse to make her step back? Girls like me fall really easily for girls like Clarke. Did she really say it?

The fact was that it was entirely true.

And now she was waiting for the captain of the cheerleading team to come out of the locker room and it seemed perfectly normal.

“Hey”, Lexa smiled gave Clarke a smile as she came out of the locker rooms. The blonde was just out of the shower and she looked stunning, even without any make up on her face. Even more so, actually.

Clarke half smiled and waved at her, before reaching out to carry her gym bag.

“Hey, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages”. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the brunette. She was there, leather jacket and all, waiting for her just outside the locker room. It really did feel like she hasn't spoken to Lexa in a really long time. Sure, they met that morning but it was fast and stiff. They didn’t have time to talk about anything before classes began. Or talk about New York.

Lexa saw the hesitance in Clarke’s expression and opened her arms to let the blonde hug her. As though it was the most natural thing in the world. She inhaled her sweet perfume and planted a small kiss on the blonde’s temple while she securely hugged her, her arms sneaking around her waist.

They disentangled and looked at each other, basically ignoring everybody else around.

“Yeah well, it was a long weekend”. Lexa’s arm was still around Clarke’s waist and the blonde didn’t feel like moving, completely at ease against her and drained after practice.

Lexa took a silent breath before speaking again. She wanted to tell Clarke all about New York, how she loved the streets full of people and the university’s campus. How she thought of her when she visited the Moma and how she would have liked to have her there to explain all that modern art she didn’t get. A foreign thought, considering she always dreamed to go there with Costia, but so much had changed in the past few weeks that she was sick and tired fighting it. And oh, the lights and the skyscrapers. Everything was exactly as she imagined and so, so far away from Polis.

Lexa looked at her watch. She was actually late for her shift at the local cafè but didn’t want to say good-bye to the blonde she just intercepted between their busy schedules.

“Do you have to be somewhere?” Clarke’s question seemed genuine, but Lexa could detect the subtle annoyance.

The brunette tangled their hands. “Yes, I have to work this afternoon but I really want to tell you about NYC and want to hear about your weekend. Would…”, was it inappropriate to ask her to come? “Would you like to come to the cafe and wait for me to finish? Coffee is on me”, Lexa smiled, completely aware of how dorky it sounded. How come she could only act like a complete fool in front of Clarke?

And Clarke still said yes.

“So...how was it?”, Clarke wasn’t sure how to ask it. Was there a right way to ask a girl how was the trip she planned with her ex-girlfriend? She accommodated her bag on her shoulder and drank some water.

Lexa could perceive the stiffness in the blonde girl. “Is that really what you wanted to ask?” She smiled at her, taking the gym bag from her shoulder and putting it on hers.

Clarke looked at Lexa, who was incredibly at ease even with the thorny topic and could remain incredibly charming while doing it. “What I really wanted to ask is...just, why did you go I guess”, she looked everywhere but at Lexa. “I mean, it was clear you planned to go with...with her”.

Lexa stopped walking, just fidgeting with the strap of Clarke’s bag. “I wasn’t supposed to sill go, it was a last minute decision”.

“And what made you change your mind?”, Clarke knew she was walking on a thin line by asking such a personal question. A thin line that lead to talking about the messed-up relationship they had and how it changed in the last days.

Lexa seemed as aware as her of the direction the conversation was taking. “You know I spoke with Costia a few days ago”, Clarke nodded, “Well she told me something that made me decide to go anyway”.

Lexa looked incredibly young with hair braided on her back and face with just a bit of make-up.

“And you want me to believe she pushed you to make the most mature decision about your future?” Clarke wasn’t actually ready to hear Lexa tell her how Costia helped her.

“Oh no, Costia was pretty unpleasant the whole time but she was correct in her own way. She told me how I used to be so angry at the world while I was with her and how New York was my way to get back at the world and I realized it actually was. It was my way to put my life together and I was dragging her with me. So, I just needed to go there and understand if it was still my dream or just some fantasy that was too much tied to her”.

“And?”

“And I realized New York is what I want for me, in spite of Costia and even not considering the fact I was abandoned there”. Lexa’s voice was so sure and she never once averted her eyes from Clarke.

It was Clarke’s turn to look away now. All of that thinking, internally struggling and still Lexa didn’t talk to her or even asked her for an opinion. “Well, I’m happy you realized all of it on your own”.

Clarke started walking again and suddenly the idea of going for coffee didn’t seem like the best one, even if not considering it sounded almost like a date. And God, those stupid cheesy texts they exchanged while Lexa was away felt so inconsistent now. After Lexa’s explanation, that was a road she definitely didn’t want to go down because it would surely end up with a wall to crash into.

Lexa looked at Clarke, frowning. What the f*ck did she say to upset her? Clarke asked and Lexa explained, for God’s sake. And what was all that about doing it on her own: of course, she did, she never actually had anyone to rely on to make those decisions.

Oh.

“Clarke?”, she tentatively called and the blonde stopped, looking so unsure Lexa wanted to slap herself for making her feel that way.

“I’m sorry Lex, I don’t really mean to be so self-centered but you helped me so much with my art, I don’t know...I thought maybe you would have said something about yourself and your choices”. Clarke looked embarrassed. Ok, said out loud it sounded even more self-centered than in her head. “And I know that technically we’re not supposed to be this kind of couple”, she stressed her tone on the last word, “And that we have plenty to discuss even about that…”

“And what kind of couple are you referring to?”, Lexa decided to ignore the first part of the rambling. Making her own choices all by herself was the way she learned to survive and thinking that someone, Clarke, actually cared about her decisions was still something foreign, even after leaving the foster system.

“I don’t know...a real one?” There, it was out in the open now in the most brutal way. Good job, Clarke.

“Oh”, Lexa was at a loss. It was clear they eventually would have talked about it, but with all the mess of the last few days she actually haven’t had time to think much about the simple fact that she liked Clarke Griffin. And she actually said it to her, out loud, just before leaving, even if she didn’t know she was at the time. What a f*cking disaster.

“You know what.. let’s just forget it-”, Clarke saw Lexa’s trying to gather her thoughts and she wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say.

“I kissed you”, Lexa blurted.

“Yes, multiple times”, Clarke said, confused. What did it have to do with anything?

“I mean, I kissed you before going to confront Costia and I told you I liked you”, she elaborated. “And I meant it Clarke, I realized I was wrong about you and now I like you and like to spend time with you, even in this strange way”.

“You mean as more than two people scheming against their exes?”, Clarke grinned just to lighten the conversation and make the frown on Lexa’s forehead disappear.

The brunette rolled her eyes, immediately comforted. “Yes Griffin, do you want me to repeat it?”

“No, I get that you think of me as more than your hot fake girlfriend and like to make out with me”.

“Ok let’s just reverse the table for a minute here: I know you think I’m hot and I have texts proving it so I think it’s your turn to elaborate just how much you think I’m great”.

Too much to feel safe, Clarke wanted to answer. “I think you’re hot and I know I have some thinking to do, even if the gallery turns me down. And I also think we’re now more than just fake girlfriends”.

“Is it enough to go on with what we’re doing?”, Lexa wasn’t sure if she was referring to the plan or to their relationship but she actually just heard Clarke Griffin say she liked her and she didn’t really feel like quibbling. Her head spun a little.

“Well those two are still together, I don’t see why we can’t”. There you go Griffin, one step forward, two steps back. Even if Lexa smiled at her with something that felt incredibly like a mix of fondness and relief.

The brunette actually took her hand again, adjusting Clarke’s bag on her shoulder. One step at a time: she wasn’t stupid, she knew that conversation didn’t actually cover the whole mess that was their relationship but still, it was something. Something that let them still not label what they had and prevent it from imploding.

She was perfectly fine being there with the blond, for real this time, as a couple.

They still had a lot to talk about.

But they had time to figure that out. And Lexa was still late for work. “So do you still want to get some coffee and get bored while I work?”.

Clarke let herself be dragged out, her heart a bit lighter after a conversation that could actually have ended pretty badly. “I’m looking forward to it”. She felt a wave of relief, just thinking that Lexa and her could still just move from one draining conversation to having a coffee together, without the need to add more words.

And so, they were in Clarke’s car and then at the cafe, and Lexa was immediately dragged behind the counter so she put on the apron, without taking her eyes from Clarke, who was now seated on a single table not far from the cash register.

Clarke silently drank the coffee Lexa insisted on offering and took her notepad out of her bag. She started drawing distractedly, always searching for Lexa’s profile behind the counter.

The brunette was wearing this colorful apron and she smiled at every single costumer. She took the money, patiently waited for them to choose which beverage they wanted and served them without getting a temper, even when one of them insisted on having something that was off the menu-

“Hey, is this seat taken?”, Clarke was completely distracted by Lexa’s skillful movements on the coffee machine and turned to the guy who was smiling at her and pointing at the seat in front of her.

“Uhm”, she actually wasn’t prepared to answer. It was obvious that the guy was hitting on her, something not uncommon given that she was sitting alone in a cafe not far from the university campus. Her eyes flashed from the guy to Lexa, who was now nowhere to be seen.

f*ck, where was she? And what was she supposed to say? Technically, they were not at school and no one there could blow their cover.

A pair of arms circled her shoulder and Clarke felt lips on her cheek.

“Hey, sorry I kept you waiting”, Lexa was literally behind her, looking at the guy with a daring expression. Clarke took her hand on her shoulder and kissed the back of it, trying to mask her grin at the boy’s face. Ok, Lexa was kind of territorial.

“It’s ok, I was doodling”, she pointed at her notepad full of half-finished drawings, flashing a friendly smile to the guy as if trying to soothe his ego and compensate for Lexa’s aggressive behavior.

The guy immediately took off and Lexa sat in front of her, following him with staring eyes.

“Easy there, tiger”. Clarke tried to get her attention, smiling at Lexa’s expression and still holding her hand in a gesture that was so familiar.

“Was he bothering you?”, she asked, still looking at him.

Clarke laughed, “I think he got the message Lex”.

“Whatever”, the brunette passed her a fresh cup of something and one of the chocolate muffins Clarke liked so much, but still looked frowning at something right behind her shoulder. “I got you some tea, I have another half an hour of shift and then I’m free”.

Clarke turned to follow Lexa’s stare behind her and smiled knowingly. The guy was now seated behind them and tried to look at Clarke, trying to be subtle and not get himself be caught by Lexa.

“Lexa, your 5-minute break was over a minute ago”, one of the other employers almost screamed at her and Lexa had to stand up to go back behind the counter.

She moved to pass, still eyeballing the guy. Why didn’t he get the message? Clarke was-

Lexa felt a soft hand trap hers on the table, lightly pulling her near and a pair of lips on hers. She closed her eyes, enjoying the kiss and put a hand on Clarke’s cheek, caressing it with her thumb. The kiss remained chaste, even if Lexa felt Clarke’s tongue brushing against her lips and she almost opened her mouth.

God, she was really going insane.

Clarke tangled their fingers and pecked her again on the lips. “There, I think he got the message. Now go back there and be your cheerful self, but not too cheerful cause I don’t think I like what that girl you served a few minutes ago is thinking”.

Lexa smiled lightly, seeing said girl immediately looking away embarrassed.

“Be nice Griffin and eat the muffin”, she stood up and looked at the blonde girl “and no double meanings!”

Lexa left to go back to work with the knowing laugh of Clarke still ringing in her ears. While passing, she sent another scary look at the guy, just to be sure he got the message.

***

It was Tuesday, Clarke still had no news from the art gallery. Lexa tried to soothe her but saying reassuring things wasn’t actually her forte and it was now almost impossible to calm the blonde down. It was almost ten days since the canvas delivery and still nothing.

That morning they almost got in a fight and Clarke almost bit Lexa’s head off when she tried to convince her it was normal to have to wait that long.

“And what exactly do you know about that?”, Clarke immediately reacted. She hated when people just told her what they supposed she wanted to hear, especially considering they usually didn’t have a clue about it.

“ Ok, I’m just going to pretend I’m not offended”, Lexa just continued walking.

“No, for real. Just please explain to me what makes you say its normal”, Clarke hissed, daring her. She was fed up with waiting and with nice words: she probably just needed to be put out of her misery and accept her painting was not good enough.

Lexa took a big breath, hating herself for being this condescending. Never in her whole life she thought she could be this patient with a bitchy cheerleader. “Because I can count Clarke: ten days to choose between a lot of paintings is the minimum time needed, considering you just delivered yours the last minute of the last day”. Maybe rational reasoning was the best way to cope.

Or maybe not.

“It's bullsh*t and you know it Woods”, and with that the blonde left her in the middle of the hallway.

And now Clarke was drawing a doodle on her history book, trying to convince herself that Lexa deserved it for being stubbornly condescending. Or maybe she just needed to apologize for being psychotic.

God, maybe she really was.

Nylah: Heads up, I’d wait for a certain call if I were you ;)

Clarke read it four times. Her stomach fumbled, her nail scratching the screen as if the words were ready to fade.

f*ck. She did it.

Her mouth went dry and her head started spinning.

She did it. Her painting was...she was not even able to formulate it in her head.

Her foot was tapping nervously on the ground and she couldn’t stop it. She just wanted the damn class to be over. Now.

Her knee bumped against her desk when she fumbled up, grabbing her bag and almost running outside the class. She had a knot in the throat and she was sure she wasn’t able to speak anymore.

She ran, not caring when someone called her name, Raven maybe?

Lexa was at her locker, putting some books inside it and taking the ones she needed for the next class when she saw her.

Clarke slammed against her, but Lexa was ready to cushion the blow and immediately wrapped her arms around her waist.

The blonde tightened her hold on Lexa’s neck, lightly panting. She closed her eyes and inhaled Lexa’s peculiar scent. She turned a bit in her neck.

“They’re going to display it”

It was just a whisper and Clarke moved impossibly closer to Lexa, caressing the back of her neck and simultaneously covering her own mouth with a hand to prevent a sigh.

Lexa just lifted her, spinning around lightly, totally uncaring of all the people in the hallway, and the blonde could just hold tight onto her shoulders.

f*ck, she was so proud of Clarke. “Yes!”, she screamed in the blonde’s ear before putting her down. “God! I told you they would have been crazy not to like it!”. Lexa’s heat beat so strong in her chest she was sure she was going to pop out. She tried to compose herself, taking Clarke by the shoulder to disentangle her from the embrace.

“Oh my God Clarke, that’s amazing!”

Clarke couldn’t even speak. She just made one of her biggest dreams come true and the person who had her back every step of the way was there with her, proud of what she did. She lost herself in the green of Lexa’s shining eyes and just smiled so hard her jaw hurt.

Clarke’s hand rested on Lexa’s cheek, brushing it with her thumb before grabbing her again from her neck to smash their mouths in a searing kiss. The blonde’s lips moved with force against Lexa’s, who immediately offered access. Clarke bit her plump lower lip only for her tongue to sooth it and then enter her mouth in a sweet torture.

Clarke felt like she was swimming. She changed the angle of the kiss, just to feel Lexa’s lips searching for hers and opening her mouth. The brunette’s hands were on her hips to keep her impossibly near and she let her arms sneak securely around her neck, then closed her eyes and let herself get lost in the kiss.

The two of them begrudgingly separated only after the hallway was almost desert and the bell rang again. All of Lexa’s books were on the floor but for once the brunette was more concentrated on something else, something like stroking Clarke’s lower back and kissing her one last time on the angle of her mouth.

“All of your books are on the floor Lex”, Clarke whispered, smiling.

Lexa looked down for a second. “Totally worth it”.

Clarke disentangled herself from the embrace, her cheeks red. “I agree, but you’re going to be late for the next class and we don’t want you to stain your perfect record Woods”.

Sighing, Lexa kneeled down to pick everything up.

“I am so proud of you Clarke, I can’t tell you how much I am”, the brunette threw away any hesitation.

The blonde smiled almost shyly, trying to avert her eyes, but Lexa didn’t let her. “Hey, look at me”, she searched for blue eyes, “Your art matters, you’re great and you deserve it”, the brunette articulated, because she wanted Clarke to understand how much she meant it.

Lexa felt Clarke’s lips on hers once again for a quick peck, her thumbs caressing her cheeks. “Thank you”, the blonde whispered, “Now go and leave me the books you don’t need, I’m going to close the hellmouth that is your locker”.

Lexa laughed, putting some books in Clarke’s hands and leaving slowly. “Ok, and as a show of how happy I am for you, I’m going to forgive you for being a psychotic bitch this morning”.

Clarke rolled her eyes grinning as she let Lexa go and followed her with her eyes while waving, she sighed to herself as Lexa turned down the corridor, disappearing from her sight.

Sighing again, she started to put everything in Lexa’s locker, which was already filled with so much stuff. She couldn’t avoid her curiosity and had to have a look: a ton of school books, each one of them clearly used but so carefully kept, a few pens, a necklace she never saw on Lexa and one of her paperback novels.

She took it from the locker to browse through its pages and something came out, ending on the floor.

Four black and white photo booth pictures. Clarke felt a rush of unpleasant warmth on her cheeks.

Lexa and Costia, hugging. Lexa and Costia laughing together, Costia clearly sat on the brunette’s lap. Lexa and Costia making faces at the camera. Lexa and Costia kissing on the lips, Costia’s arm around Lexa’s neck and Lexa’s around her waist to keep her in place. Around Lexa’s neck, the same necklace she saw a second before in the locker.

She took the set of pictures from one angle taking a better look. The painful sensation made room deeper and deeper in her stomach and she now she could name it: jealousy. Lexa’s lips on Costia’s felt like a violation and finding that picture as a bookmark sent shivers on her back.

She knew what was happening: fake was not the right word to define their relationship and the lines were now too blurred to just ignore it. Did Lexa feel it too?

But most of all, she was not sure she was brave enough to voice it out loud and call what they had with another name that was not fake anymore but at least some kind of f*cked up friendship. Well, they still had time.

With a sigh, she put the pictures back in the book and closed the locker, caressing its ruined cover with her thumb.

***

It was Wednesday and it all happened like it was a blast of fast acting fire.

The gossip spread almost as fast as the first one that fueled all the mess they were into. Finn and Costia were no longer together, their relationship exploded after a massive argument in the schoolyard, in front of everybody.

There were a few details: like the fact that Costia cried and screamed at him, or that Finn threw at her Clarke's name a few times.

Considering Lexa never saw Costia cry, she didn't know how reliable the source was.

The only definitive thing was that their plan succeeded. Lexa and Clarke's plan didn't end up blowing up in their face and actually worked: Finn and Costia, their respective cheating exes were no longer together and the joke of the school. Well, Costia sure was, but she wasn't sure about Finn, the golden boy quarterback of the school team could do no wrong in the eyes of most.

Lexa felt cold through her veins. It was over. That was it: if there was no more a relationship to break, there was no need for a fake relationship anymore.

The brunette tried to calm herself as she walked to the cafeteria and reasoned. Well, maybe not right away, right? For the sake of appearances, at least. Who would believe they were together if they separated immediately after Finn and Costia. But then again, did they really still give a damn about what the other people thought of their fake relationship?

Lexa tightened her grip on her backpack and walked to the table that she was now secretly accustomed to eat at. It wasn't that bad, after all. She never thought she'd say it, given that just a month back she considered a blessing the opportunity to eat with Costia in the library.

Now she was good friends with Lincoln and Octavia who was indeed a nice girl, if you dig past all that wit. She could even have a nice chat with Raven, even if it was always harder with her because of her still closeness with Finn. But she was invited to her party, right? And in their eyes, she was still with Clarke, who actually always took an extra side dish for her, never once questioning the fact that she always brought lunch from home to spare a few bills.

She froze in the middle of the cafeteria and was actually happy not to be carrying a tray, because it would have surely fell.

Lexa took a better look at Finn's back. He was laughing at something Raven said and was seated in front of Clarke, whose eyes were on the screen of her phone.

Maybe she was texting her, telling her not to come. The pang of hurt that cut through her guts when she saw Finn didn't stop.

What was she supposed to do now, turn around and leave? Would Clarke like her to seat there as if nothing happened? Finn was there and there was no way Clarke wasn’t already aware of the breakup.

f*ck. With all their planning, they didn't think of the only thing that counted: how they would part after almost a month together.

Suddenly, their chat about how their relationship changed in the last weeks seemed so far away. Somehow, both of them just stuck to the present and acknowledged their change of feelings but didn’t even try to think about the near future. A future that was now so vividly there and already messed with their newfound balance.

She almost turned around and left the cafeteria. Her head screamed to leave as fast as she could: not even wait for Clarke to raise her eyes. The risk was too big and Lexa was too afraid to see embarrassment written on her face. Not necessarily about her, but about a situation that now, with Finn seated there, felt beyond surreal.

Unfortunately, she was not fast enough. Lincoln saw her, but didn't send her his usual open smile. He almost tried to ignore her, but her movements were too evident not to make Octavia look in her direction.

She took a breath. Their faces said it all: it was nice while Finn was otherwise engaged, but she wasn't part of her group and now they didn't know how to accommodate her presence with the return of their friend. Cause Finn was part of the group and she was not. Exactly as he said at Raven's party.

But still, she had too much self-esteem to just turn around and leave, letting them know she knew and accepted what was bound to happen.

And now it was Clarke's turn to see her. Lexa’s feet dragged her to the blonde, eyes now lost in the blue of Clarke's. She followed Lexa as she approached, while Finn was still telling some stupid joke.

Clarke looked in that green eyes and didn't know what to do. She saw in her face what Lexa was thinking; Finn's voice was in the background as he immediately reconquered his place in their group of friends. As it was before it all began.

And there Lexa was, in her nice light t-shirt that made her green eyes even greener and her soft face. She was so used to see her approach with her half-hidden smile that seeing her there, but this time she was almost petrified. Clarke desperately wanted to disappear with her somewhere else, far from all those staring gazes.

She perceived the embarrassed and unsure looks of her friends around, all of them thinking the same thing: Finn was back, so where did it leave Lexa?

As always, Lexa was braver than her. Clarke saw all the emotions on her face, going from panic, to fear, to decisiveness. The brunette walked to her, even if she wasn't smiling. Without looking at anyone, she just brushed Clarke’s shoulder with the palm of her hand and let it rest there lightly.

Clarke felt a wave of relief at the touch and raised her head to look properly at her just to be thrown back in her discomfort. The expression on Lexa’s face was an unreadable mask but Clarke knew for sure she wasn't going to sit with them.

She tried to open her mouth, feeling all the stares on them. Finn's was the most burning one.

Lexa saw the angst in Clarke's expression. Clearly, she felt the pressure of her group of friends, now all silent after she approached. The pang of hurt now was a hole in her stomach.

She left her hand on Clarke's shoulder, stroking it with her thumb, then lowered her head and kissed her lightly on a temple, inspiring the perfume of her vanilla conditioner. The same scent from that embrace the other day, when she ran in her arms after the phone call from the gallery.

It was like another punch in the gut and she didn’t see it coming.

The art gallery.

After all that they went through together, she would have really liked to be Clarke’s date at the opening. She even secretly started thinking what to wear for the special occasion.

Well, from the unsteady breath coming from the blonde, it was clear it wasn’t going to be the case.

perceived the uneasiness in Clarke but still left her lips on the delicate skin of her forehead for a fraction longer than necessary. She hated herself for being so weak even if what was happening was so clear in front of her. But it was probably the last time she was able to do it, after all.

Lincoln scooted over and left a chair free for her to sit on. Lexa silently thanked him, even though she declined it with a small gesture.

“Thanks, but I just came by to say hi, I’m not staying”, Lexa said softly, sending shivers down Clarke’s back.

Ever so sweet, so polite even with all the scrutinizing stares. Clarke knew Lexa was doing it for her: preserving their fake relationship in everybody’s eyes with these small gestures, attentive not to embarrass her in anyway, especially considering all the stares they were getting.

“Are you sure?”, Clarke tried to ask, even if Lexa’s expression didn’t leave any space for changes of mind.

The brunette just lightly nodded and Clarke felt the distinct need to protect her, to shelter her from the offending eyes, looking at her as if she wasn’t the same girl who was seated there just yesterday.

Instead, she could just watch her leave with a last caress on her arm and a small wave of her hand.

The conversation at the table restarted immediately after she left, as if Lexa wasn’t allowed to listen to them anymore and they were just waiting for her to go away before continuing. As if she wasn’t the same girl that taught Octavia how to choose her boxing gloves and helped lighting Raven’s barbecue.

Finn was still talking and all Clarke felt was nausea.

Chapter 13: Thursday I don't care about you pt.1

Chapter Text

Clarke stood up, abruptly.

Finn stopped talking, even if everybody at the table wasn’t actually listening to whatever story he was telling.

“I’m going to go”, the blonde moved the chair with a loud scraping noise against the floor and grabbed her bag. Lexa just went out alone, and God, her eyes. She said goodbye like it was the last time they… she didn’t want to think about that. She just needed to find her, now.

How could she be that stupid? When she arrived in the cafeteria, she was caught completely off guard seeing Finn at their table. She wanted to turn and run, but everyone saw her and she wasn’t about to let Finn win and think he had some power over her by driving her away. She didn’t do anything wrong, if anything Finn is the one who should leave.

As soon as she sat down, she was going to text Lexa and tell her to wait for her outside so they don’t cause a scene. She wanted to get out as soon as possible, but the brunette was already there, coming in and seeing her seated there, as if it was nothing. f*ck.

“But princess...you didn’t even eat”, the boy tried to protest, smiling at her.

She completely ignored him and started to leave, but was intercepted by Octavia’s hand on her wrist. She tried to free it. She was angry: angry at herself for being such a f*cking coward, angry at Finn for just being there as if nothing happened, and angry at her friends for letting him sit with them without warning her, as though nothing happened.

“Let me go, O”, she hissed. She knew she didn’t have the right to be angry at her when she was the one that didn’t say anything to make Lexa stay. Still, Octavia was already there when Finn came and she didn’t say anything. Deeply, she knew she could just blame herself, but feeling Octavia’s hand on her wrist triggered her anger.

“Clarke…”, the brunette tried.

What the hell did she want? She had to go and find Lexa, immediately.

“Please, stay”, Finn tried again, flashing his best puppy dog stare at her. “If it’s because of that…” he tried to say, just to be interrupted by a slam.

Clarke slammed both of her hands on the table and stared at him. “No Finn, don’t you even try to say anything”.

“But…”, he tried again.

“No, now you listen to me. You do not speak to me, you do not call me, you do not think for even a second that you can come back and expect me to act as if nothing happened. But most of all, you do not speak about her”. She freed her wrist from Octavia’s hold.

“Oh c’mon!”, Finn tried to laugh, searching for support from the other people there, who just lowered their eyes.

“f*ck you, Finn”.

With that, Clarke just left the cafeteria. It felt like being in a bubble, the feel that something intimately wrong happened and the inevitability of the fact that everything was bound to change. Finn was not with Costia anymore and she gave Lexa the impression she didn’t care. She had to find her, explain why she wasn’t really able to mumble something less stupid than what she said, explain why she wasn’t capable to react at the right time and leave with her instead of ten minutes later.

She thought back at the way she left and found herself not caring about what they thought about her.

She didn’t care, ten minutes too late. She prayed they weren’t too many and she could get to Lexa before her chances were completely gone.

Clarke found Lexa at her locker, fidgeting between books. She lowered her eyes, lining a shoulder against the nearest locker. “Hey”.

Lexa closed hers carefully and looked at her. “Hey”.

She didn’t expect the blonde to come, but she was good enough at masking her emotions not to let them show. Still, seeing her there felt good. A feeling that scared her more than anything.

Clarke took a big breath.

“I’m sorry”, she whispered. It was the first thing that came into her mind. She was so damn sorry. Ashamed of her behaviour, ashamed of her friends, ashamed of the fact that she wasn’t the brave person she thought she was.

Lexa’s eyes softened, but it didn’t change her guarded expression.

“I didn’t know he would be there, he was already seated with them when I arrived and I didn’t want to give him the impression I was still bothered by him”, Clarke muttered. It was a lame excuse, she knew it the moment she pronounced the words.

“Clarke, it’s all right. Nothing happened”, Lexa dismissed her with a tired voice. She saw the sorrow in Clarke’s composure, the blonde looked disheveled and anxious, incapable of stopping her hands from running through her hair.

She desperately wanted to grab them and make her stop talking, but most of all she wanted to just forget what just happened.

Clarke looked at her, slightly taken aback by her reaction. “You know it’s not true. You didn’t deserve what happened and I am so sorry I didn’t…”

Lexa raised her hand to interrupt her and Clarke stopped talking. “Clarke, It’s fine. Really. Nothing happened: I came by, said hi and left because I was not comfortable sitting there with him. End of discussion”.

She really didn’t want to talk about what happened. She saw the uneasiness in Clarke’s eyes back in the cafeteria, she knew she wasn’t comfortable with being seated there with Finn, but it still hurt her. And what scared her the most, was the reason it had so much effect on her. She never ever cared that much before.

The blonde shook her head. Lexa’s reaction frightened her, actually frightened more than her being angry. She had every reason to be angry, so why was she so detached, dismissing it with a shrug of her shoulders? As if she expected it of her. Clarke felt cold, was Lexa expecting her reaction?

She frowned. “Lex...why are you saying that? I know it was wrong of me to not say anything but please don’t be like that”.

“Like what? Look Clarke, we both knew this moment would have come eventually”, Lexa’s eyes were fixed on her, but it was like she wasn’t really seeing her.

Clarke’s hands were on her cheeks, straightening her face and pointing her blue eyes in hers. That made Lexa snap out of her apparent trance. She tried to move but the blonde’s hold was tight, even if her thumbs were caressing the skin below her eyes.

“Lex, look at me. It’s not about the moment and it’s not even about you and me. What happened was wrong on so many levels I’m not even going to start to explain. I want you to know that I am here now, with you”, she searched for the brunette’s eyes, greener than ever but still darkened by something she couldn’t decipher. “I hope it’s enough”, she whispered. She desperately wanted to say something more, something better but the words died in her throat.

Lexa put a hand on Clarke’s one on her face, tightening her hold. Clarke let her take it, while removing it from her cheek. She just enjoyed the warmth of Lexa’s hands.

The brunette looked down, playing with Clarke’s fingers, and tightened her grip but was still not ready to say anything. She wasn’t ready for how good it felt to hold her hand again, after she thought it was over. For a moment, the irrational part of her really thought it was just going to finish like that, as abruptly as it started. A stupid thought, come to think of it. She lost herself once again in the blue of her eyes, as if they were just a couple making up after a fight and not two messed up kids that thought that faking feelings was easy. It wasn’t, and Lexa couldn’t place in her memory the exact moment that the word fake lost its meaning.

She didn’t have the strength to pretend anymore, just like she didn’t have the strength to tell her she forgave fer.

Maybe they could carry on like this, would it be so wrong to just ignore the world outside for a bit longer?

Lexa felt Clarke’s warm breath on her lips and it soothed her, just feeling that they were still together, after all.

They just stayed like that, holding hands against the lockers in the middle of the hallway, until the bell rang.

***

They both tried, but it felt strange now.

During the next days, neither of them talked about the cafeteria debacle anymore and just avoided going there all at once.

They ate together outside or just found some lame excuse to just skip it and Lexa felt selfish at being silently relieved of having Clarke with her and far away from them.

Their routine didn’t change, Lexa still waited for her in the parking lot and they still went inside together, Clarke still lingered by her locker when Lexa had her extracurricular activities. Even with all of that, something was so clearly off.

The lightness was gone.

Lexa’s hand was stiff in Clarke’s, the blonde’s jokes were so guarded and rare they sounded fake. It was like constantly walking on eggs, afraid to break the precarious balance.

Even if they didn’t openly speak about it, Lexa perceived the tension in Clarke. Every smile she avoided, every conversation she dismissed hurt the blonde, and she knew it. More so, she was aware that she was slowly building a wall that was going to be unbearable, in the end.

Still, Lexa wasn’t strong enough to avoid it. Every time she tried, something in her reminded that their relationship was built on sand and it was crumbling in that exact moment. It wasn’t because of what happened in that damn cafeteria, she wasn’t that petty and was sure Clake’s apology was sincere.

The thing was, what happened there just showed her exactly how scary it was to lose Clarke. The hurt in the pit of the stomach at the mere thought of giving up on what they built never actually left her and just the feeling of being so exposed was impossible to overcome.

And she felt it every time Clarke tried to talk to her, every time she tried to lift that burden from her shoulders.

Yes, they spoke about it and aknowledged they had feelings for each other that had nothing to do with Finn, Costia or the need to pretend. Still, every time Lexa thought of what happened at the cafeteria, she perceived in all its force the distance between them.

Just the light touches and the bold kisses they still exchanged made them feel somehow still on track. Which track, it was hard to say. Still, she savoured them and tried to put in them what was now unable to give Clarke with words.

Because, in all that mess, she was sure of one thing: how right it felt to be with her, even without the need to define it. She, ever the rational one, had never been so eager to just feel Clarke near, see her smile and hold her. But that was the easy part and Lexa, who always felt proud at how accurate her ability to read people was, felt completely lossed when it came to the blonde. She knew the blonde liked her, but she still wasn’t willing to defend her to her friends. So, even though Clarke liked her, was it because they were forced to be together through their agreement? Would they like each other if not for Finn and Costia?

Clarke had just put a small kiss on her cheek, before letting go of her hand and leaving for her next class. She even tried to make her smile by lightly mocking her about the book she was reading while waiting for her.

And Lexa actually grinned, even if it didn’t reach her eyes. A pang of hurt invaded her as she saw that Clarke was well aware of it and just looked away. She followed the blonde with her eyes until she disappeared behind a corner, her kiss still burning on her cheek.

How hard was it going to be, if she had do to without them.

The brunette saw Costia pass near her in the hallway. All that make-up was gone, but she still looked pretty. She didn’t even greet her, not being able to separate her from what she represented now: part of the reason she felt so out of place, after a month of belonging.

“Lexa”, a male voice called her and she turned, silently scrutinizing him.

Lincoln looked around, as if he was searching for the right words.

“Don’t worry, nobody you know is around to see you talk to me”, Lexa’s tone was harsh. He deserved it.

“Lexa, about what happened on wednesday…”, he started talking, but Lexa just turned to leave. She was not in the mood to relive what happened, especially not with him. She was fine before knowing them, she was going to be fine after.

“Lexa wait”, he grabbed her arm, making her turn. Cold green eyes went back on him, daring him to hold her more firmly. He immediately removed her hand but trapped her in a corner. “Just hear me out, please. I’m sorry about what happened, all of us are. I mean, I never really liked that asshole and…”

“Lincoln, I don’t give a f*ck about Collins. God, I don’t give a f*ck about any of you for that matter. Yes, it was fun for like a month, but you accepted me because of Clarke, not because of me”.

The boy tightened his jaw and straightened his broad shoulders. “You’re hurt, I get it, but you know it’s not true”.

“Is that why you looked at me like a frightened deer when I came in? Were you scared the big bad quarterback was going to kick your ass if you showed any sign of having your own brain?”. She was hard, too hard on him, and she knew it. Still, she felt like she was going to explode.

She didn’t know why she felt all that anger. It was not because of that stupid cafeteria episode, she couldn’t really care less of Collins and his stupid need to show off. A part of her didn’t actually blame Lincoln, considering she knew his position in that goddamned group was as precarious as hers. Still, it felt good to finally take it out on someone.

“Clarke put him in his place, after you left”, he said instead.

“Good for her”, she bitterly answered. She knew it was out of line to talk that way about Clarke. She saw the shame in her eyes when she came to find her in the hallway and she apologised any way she could. Still, Lexa was so not ready to talk about her, about them, with anybody.

She didn’t show it, but it felt stupidly good to hear that Clarke actually stood up to Finn, even if it happened too late.

“You’re angry at her. Is this why you both are not coming to the cafeteria anymore?”, he tried again. “Lexa, are you two having issues?”

“None of your business”, why didn’t she say no? She tried to walk away again, only to be blocked. “Is this why you’re here Lincoln, to ask me about Clarke?”

“No, I’m here because I see something’s wrong with you and I’m sorry”

Lexa bitterly laughed. “Well, thanks but you don’t need to feel sorry for me. I was fine before sitting at your table and I’m fine now”.

“It’s not about the damn table and you know it. You’re not fine and Octavia says Clarke isn’t in a good place either, even if she barely speaks to her anymore. Don’t let Collins dictate the end of your relationship, Lex, you’re good for each other”.

His words reached Lexa’s ears, but her back was already turned.

***

Clarke went to the library, an espresso to go in her hands. Lexa didn’t like the americano, but secretly liked the espresso. She learned it the first time she went to the small cafe where she worked and she actually had fun listening to Lexa explain an astonished costumer why americano coffee was like dirty water compared to italian espresso.

She took a deep breath and silently hoped her gesture was going to be appreciated. She didn’t expect anything special, just the heavy burden lifted from their heads for a moment. Just the time to have a relaxed conversation, maybe.

It was like Lexa had retired in a corner of her mind unreachable for Clarke these days, and she didn’t know how to get a reaction from her.

f*ck, everything was just going down a dangerous road and she didn’t know how to stop it. She was trying, she really was, but an invisible wall was silently being built between them, brick after brick.

Clarke immediately saw her, her cute glasses on and her expression concentrated on the book. She looked relaxed and so far away with her mind, and the blonde found herself smiling.

She put the small cup of coffee near Lexa’s opened book. “For you”, she whispered, with a small peck on her head.

It immediately got Lexa’s attention and she took the coffee, inhaling its aroma. “Thanks, you didn’t need to do it”, she whispered, even if the library was empty. Her expression was now almost embarrassed and she looked like she was going to offer her to refund the money.

Clarke took a seat near her, ignoring her comment. Yes, she didn’t need to do it but she actually wanted to do something nice for her, hoping the tiny attention was appreciated. Well, mission not succeeded.

“What are you studying?”, the blonde feigned interest in the book cover and actually reached for it, only to be stopped by Lexa’s gentle hand, still warm after holding the cup. “I thought you were coming to see my practice…”

“Clarke…”, she tried.

“What did I do this time?”, the blonde tried to make it sound like a joke, but the worry behind her tone was undeniable. It was a constant now, the uneasiness of their conversations.

“Why?”, Lexa suddenly asked. f*ck, it was happening. Triggered by the infinite tenderness she felt for Clarke, who searched for her favourite coffee and brought it to her with that beautiful smile. And Lexa couldn’t bare it anymore, that deep care she felt for the blonde and the knowledge it was all going to go to hell eventually.

“Why what Lex?”, Clarke slowly entangled her fingers with hers, in an attempt to ease her, and Lexa let her. What was she talking about now?

“Why are we still doing it?”, the brunette didn’t let go of her hand, but her voice was a mix of genuine stupor and sadness.

No. No, no.

“Lex, what are you talk…”, Clarke’s big blue eyes were opened wide and so, so scared.

That simple reaction was enough to make Lexa want to erase that stupid f*cking question. Pity it wasn’t possible and it wasn’t right either, in the end.

The brunette lowered her eyes, a sad smile on her face. “C’mon, you know what”, she whispered.

Clarke freed her hand and hid it under the table. Her golden locks were flowing around her in the light of the afternoon coming from the window and Lexa was sure she was going to remember her whole life how beautiful she looked in that moment.

“Are we really doing it Lex?”, she just asked. Her tone was definitive, almost resigned. Her eyes glued to the small cup she brought for Lexa and she felt so damn stupid for ever thinking it was enough. Thinking that being her was enough.

“It doesn’t make sense anymore Clarke, I mean, look at us. Avoiding things isn’t going to change them”. It physically pained her to say it and it hurt even more to see the reaction it provoked on the blonde’s face. Her sweet lips became a thin line and the frown on her forehead was so deep her eyes were almost closed.

Clarke breathed deeply, as if to gain strength from it. “Is it because of what happened in the cafeteria, isn’t it”. It was a statement more than a question.

Lexa tried to reach her hand again, but immediately stopped. Suddenly she regretted saying anything. She just wanted to hold her and make everything else disappear. “No Clarke, no. God, I’m not a baby, I don’t give a damn about what the other people think. It hurt, it did, but it’s over now”.

Clarke’s half laugh was bitter. “You’re lying, you always use this patronizing tone when you’re lying. You don’t need to try and ease reality, especially when you have every right to say what you’re saying”.

She was right and Lexa felt exposed. Was it so easy for Clarke to read her now? “You see it too: we worked as a couple as long as we had someone else to show it off to, but now everything’s just...off. How long do you think we can go on? Think about it: we’re not supposed to be together. Hell, we wouldn’t be if it weren’t for Finn and Costia”.

Clarke tried to gather her thoughts. It was happening, and it was happening now. She intimately knew it was just bound to, but still she stupidly hoped. She hoped that time would have put back all the pieces. Because they were going somewhere, right? They told each other as much, before she threw it all away. She told Lexa she liked her, she tried to apologise after what happened. Still, it didn’t matter. It all came down to Finn and Costia, even if she was finally admitting it hadn’t been about them for some time, now.

“Is it over then?”, no need to go around it. The only thing that sounded in Clarke’s head was the fact that, according to Lexa, they weren’t even supposed to be together.

Lexa looked at the book in front of her, not actually capable to read any word, then closed it. What was she expecting her to say? What happened at the cafeteria just exposed how their relationship, if real, would have gone. They came from different words and the simple fact that they liked each other wasn’t enough to just move on from a fake relationship to…to what actually? A real relationship. She really didn’t know the meaning of real anymore.

Their kisses felt real, but was that enough?

It hurt like hell, and Lexa didn’t know if she was more angry at herself for falling for what was supposed to be a fake relationship or at Clarke, that was now looking at her like she destroyed everything. She didn’t want to destroy it, she just said out loud had it was needed to be stated: they couldn’t just move on from a fake realationship to a real one as if nothing happened, as if Finn and Costia weren’t a big part of them being together.

The mere thought of the other couple unsettled her. It felt so untrue to think of her realtionship with Clarke a mere product of revenge.

“It’s not like we’re breaking up Clarke. It wasn’t actually real in the first place”. From the pained expression on Clarke’s face, it was the wrong thing to say. Deep down, Lexa knew what she said was technically true but, if she was honest with herself, she was aware of how unjust it was. She knew Clarke and she was sure that what they had was not fake.

Still, she was just trying to rationalize all of that mess and actually remind herself, remind both of them, that all of what they did, they did it because of an agreement to undermine Costia and Finn’s relationship.

She was not going to cry. Clarke closed her eyes and then reopened them, trying to calm herself. She deserved it. She knew she messed up and, if she was completely honest with herself, she read in Lexa’s eyes what was going to happen in the exact moment she found her at her lockers a few days ago. And there probably wasn’t anything she could say or do to save it.

Still, she needed to know something. “What we said...what we said before last week happened. Was it all fake too?”

Lexa’s stare was now soft again, almost loving and forgiving now that she had put an end to something she probably didn’t even want in the first place.

“Of course not, that’s not what I’m talking about. But aren’t you tired of pretending?”, she tried.

Clarke widened her eyes imperceptibly. “I was not pretending when I shared with you parts of me I actually never told anyone on when I told you I felt we were going somewhere”. God, how hard was it to be on the same page? How was it even possible to feel so close to one person and so far from her at the same time.

Lexa thought back of Clarke telling her about her art and her pride when the blonde shared her success with her. No, she was not going to throw it away by labeling it as pretense. “That’s not what I meant. I like you Clarke and it’s not going to change because we end our agreement”.

Even after what happened, Clarke deserved to know as much. And probably more. How could she think she didn’t like her, after all they endured together? In that moment, she knew for sure her last words with Costia were undeniably true: girls like her fell every time for girls like Clarke.

“I like you too Lex. I really do”. She was going to cry over the relationship Lexa called fake, but she couldn’t let her see it. In that exact moment, nothing else made sense.

Three simple words, and Lexa just wanted to rewind the whole conversation. She wanted to grab Clarke’s hand and tell her they could be girlfriends forever like in the movies, if she wanted. She wanted to tell her the month with her was the most liberating and exiting she ever lived.

The reality was, she couldn’t do it because, in the end, she knew it wasn’t the right thing for the both of them. And there still was that obscure and disturbing sensation in the pit of her stomach that reminded her that it in the end it was all an act and the fact that she couldn’t forget what happened at the cafeteria was just a symptom of it.

“I’m just saying that maybe what happened at the cafeteria is a sign that liking each other is not going to make everything else disappear. We were together because of Finn and Costia and we need to aknowledge it, because taking them out of the equation is not without consequences”, the brunette elaborated. Consequences they both were still too scared to confront.

“I went to NYC to figure out if my desire to go was based on Costia and if it was still right for me. I think we need to to do the same thing and figure out how much of our feelings are still tied up with Finn and Costia and we’re not just being each other’s rebound” said Lexa.

Clarke,slowly raised from the chair, both hands now on the desk. “I’m not going back to Finn, not ever. I just want you to know that”, she said, now with full voice, not caring if anybody was listening.

And that actually made Lexa wake up, like she was in a trance. Reality kicked in.

“Do you...maybe want to discuss the last part of our story? I won’t mind if you decide to tell your friends you dumped …”

Clarke finally looked at her and Lexa was surprised to find not only hurt, but anger in her eyes. For a second, she thought the blonde was going to snap at her, but after a second she just bitterly shook her head. “Yeah...I probably I deserve it”.

“It’s not a bad thing to want to be liked Clarke”, Lexa tried again searching for her eyes, which were now glued to the desk.

“No, I guess not”, she tiredly conceded. She felt completely drained and just wanted to put an end to it.

Lexa couldn’t prevent her hand to cover the blonde’s, whose fingers were rigid with tension. “Hey, we can still be friends”, she tried, “We should let a few days pass not to cause any suspicions but…”. Because of course they could, right? They could still keep a small sparkle lighted. Please say yes.

Clarke smiled. It was more a grimace, but it actually made her blue eyes return sweet. She entangled their fingers and raised Lexa’s hand to her mouth, to lightly kiss its back. She let her lips brush a few times against her soft skin, before letting it go.

“Yes, I’d like that”, it was a whisper more than else. If only that would be possible. Then she just grabbed her bag and slowly left.

Lexa so desperately wanted to reassure her it was still all right, that it was still them and that without this burden they were finally going to feel better. She wanted to elaborate some more, but the void expression on Clarke’s face stopped her. So she followed her silently with her eyes. Her hand was still tingling because of the touch and her brain desperately tried to remember when was the last time she kissed those same lips.

She looked at the small empty cup of espresso and asked herself if it would have been so wrong to pretend, just for a bit longer.

***

“What are we doing this weekend?”, Raven casually asked while she put on a fresh t-shirt after practise. The locker room was almost empty, only a few cheerleaders still there to change.

Clarke heard some other voices answering the question but she remained turned, pretending to be occupied with the content of her gym bag and hoping no-one would ask her directly.

“Clarke?”, Octavia’s voice called her and she couldn’t ignore them anymore.

Lucky as always.

“Yes?”, she turned.

“We were talking about this weekend, any plans?”, Raven asked again, smiling.

She just shrugged. Yes, she planned to spend it alone in her room with a white paper, probably. It was the only thing she could do to clear up her mind these days and she surely had no intention of going to someone’s party.

“Oh c’mon Griff! You’re unusually quiet”, Raven observed. “We can go to Finn’s place after the football game and…”

“Raven, I’m not really in the mood to fight”, the blonde tried again. She just wanted to go home and stop thinking all at once about what happened in the last few days.

As always, Raven had other ideas. “Clarke, I get that you and Finn are not on the best of terms”, she tried to reason just to be interrupted.

Clarke tried to keep her voice down, but all the anger accumulated was now bound to explode. “No Raven, I don’t really think you get it. Finn and I, we were together and believe me or not I felt something for him. He cheated on me and now he thinks he can come back as if nothing happened because of some misguided sense of friendship we’re supposed to feel for him. You want to support that? Go on and be my guest, but do not ask me to do the same”.

It was Octavia the one that tried to smooth over the brewing tension and keep the two from fighting . “C’mon guys, just calm down”.

Pity that Raven wasn’t ready to let it go and Clarke saw it in her piercing stare. “No Octavia, let her speak”, the Latina challenged her, “Is it because of what happened with Lexa? Nobody asked her to leave, it was her choice”.

She said her name, and Clarke couldn’t keep it down anymore. “Do not talk about her”.

“Why, is miss Perfect a delicate topic? If she can’t…”, Raven started to say, but this time it was Octavia who stopped her.

“Raven, it’s enough”.

Clarke had already gathered her bag and was almost out of the door. She couldn’t. She couldn’t talk about Lexa. Not with them, not with anybody and not now.

“Clarke, what the f*ck! It’s becoming impossible to talk with you anymore, is she influencing you this much?”, Raven screamed behind her.

With that, Clarke stopped. How ironic was it that, even after what happened at the cafeteria, her friends actually thought Lexa was the one influencing her.

“What do you want me to say Raven? You want to spend your time with Finn, I can barely stand his face. I’m not going to stand in your way and frankly I don’t care what you’re doing with him, as long as you don’t talk about Lexa or ask me to be part of some Prodigal Son sh*t”.

It was now Raven’s turn to frown. She didn’t expect such a reaction from the blonde, especially to see her blue eyes becoming lucid. Ever the direct one, she just asked why. “Has something happened between you and Lexa?”

Clarke took a breath. The last bit of her and Lexa’s story was going to be written in that exact moment: no more pretending. She knew she was just deluding herself, but not having told her friends about the break up made it somehow less definitive. She could just avoid the question, she wasn’t obligated to answer a nosey question from someone she didn’t even consider her friend anymore. Still, Lexa’s voice echoed in her head, repeating the word “pretending”. She had no reason to pretend anymore and it was time to liberate Lexa from every assumption she had to endure because of her. The brunette made it so clear she was fed up with pretending and, even if the moment was far from right, Clarke was the one that could free her from the last bit of it.

“We’re not together anymore”

She was still at the door and she saw the faces of the other cheerleaders there immediately rising. They even stopped pretending they weren’t listening.

Octavia immediately was at her side, as if she was trying to shield her from them. “Clarke”, she looked around, lowering her voice. “This is not the best place to…”

The brunette was interrupted by Jen, whose curious gaze was now on Clarke, making her skin crawl. “Why did you break up with her?”, she asked with a petulant voice.

Their relationship was going to be the gossip of the school, again. She remembered the first time she entered the school, holding Lexa’s hand. She felt so strong then, so ready to fool the world. Now she saw she was the only one who had been fooled.

Clarke grabbed the handle of the door. “I didn’t, she was the one who broke up with me”.

Chapter 14: Thursday I don't care about you pt.2

Chapter Text

She looked at her reflection in the rearview mirror, lightly touching her eye bags. They were still visible even after a strong make up session, but only if you properly looked. She assumed everybody already heard the news, no need to give them the satisfaction of imagining her up all night, crying in her pillow over a relationship the girl she liked called fake.

God, she even agreed to Lexa’s proposal of friendship. Her stomach turned once more. How exactly was it going to work she had no idea, and frankly it sounded like a nice way to tell her they didn’t have to cut off every communication, more than a way to move forward in a proper relationship.

She just couldn’t get away from the deep sense of absence and again she cursed herself for letting herself be dragged in yet another almost one sided relationship. Well, at least Lexa showed some interest to staying around, even if it’s just as friends.

Clarke.

For a second, all she could think of was calling her. Her first instinct was to apologize for not being there, waiting for her. But what was she going to say? Sorry, I was late because I spent the whole night thinking about you and the fact that maybe we should just go back to pretending. The truth was, she spent the whole night just replaying the whole library scene, everytime changing the finale. Everytime not using the “fake” word and preventing the heartbreakingly sad expression on Clarke’s face.

“So I heard you finally dumped her”, a voice coming from her back awakened her and made her turn.

Costia, half grinning and seductively leaning on one of the lockers.

Lexa immediately became rigid and felt a wave of cold running down her back. If Costia knew it was her decision, that could only mean Clarke told everyone the truth.

She opened her mouth to reply, just moving nervously her long brown hair from one shoulder to the other. But what did she have to say? She felt like she only wanted to tell Costia it wasn’t true, even if it was. Because the truth was that she never really wanted to break up with Clarke in the first place. Or, better said, she just wanted to explore their relationship without the burden of their exes.

Once again, she was surprised how Clarke slowly changed her vision of Costia, how silently but deeply enabled her to move on.

Costia took her silence as a go and moved next to her. “What happened to “girls like me always fall for girls like her” Lex?”, she smiled. The phrase was supposed to be a light and flirty mock, but Lexa’s expression became only harder.

The brunette seemed to get that she said something wrong and frowned. “Hey, I’m sorry...I know it’s too early to joke on it but…”

“There’s no but Costia, just drop it”. And with that, she just left the hallway, irrationally angry at Costia for her stupid joke, but most of all angry with herself.

She, she caused all this.

Now all the stares were on her, and it made her nauseous that she could detect admiration in some of them. Admiration for the nerd girl that managed to humiliate the cheerleader.

f*ck.

She slammed the door of her locker.

She didn’t want any that. It made all the sense in the world in her head: drop the pretending and make a fresh start, as simple as that.

But nothing ever seemed to be as simple as that and, for the first time in her life, Lexa found herself at a complete loss, asking herself if her rationality had failed her, this time.

***

A week passed. A week full of distant looks and small waves from the other part of the class. And most of them came from Lexa. Clarke always waved back, always seemed to be ready to answer her mute “hello”, but her eyes never really stopped to properly look at her. Nevertheless, Lexa always waved, from the other side of the hallway or from the entrance to the schoolyard.

One morning she even presented herself at the parking lot, dressed in a nice blouse and faded skinny jeans, she even put some effort into her make up.

How stupid she felt, after.

Lexa waited for the blonde to park and she finally arrived, later than usual. She saw her close the car frantically, moving a lock of hair from her face, her hands dirty with paint and eyes dark and a bit puffy.

She grabbed her purse and almost fell while closing the car door. That’s when she saw her there.

She stopped, then averted her eyes and moved again the rebellious lock, passing her fingers through her hair, restlessly.

Lexa closed her book and half smiled at her. Nobody was around and it was such a relief to finally see her. She felt like she could breathe again. She moved a few feet to try and reach her.

How easy would it have been to just grab her hand and lace their fingers.

But Clarke didn’t smile, just looked at her again with that fake polite expression, like a grin that didn’t reach her eyes.

So Lexa stopped abruptly.

The blonde sent her a small wave, than the same hand returned tormenting her hair. And with a deep breath, like that small movement costed her so much effort, left fast for the school entrance.

And what was she supposed to do? After the encounter, Clarke was seated in one class, not listening to anything the teacher was saying.

She wanted so much to see Lexa there, again waiting for her, and when she actually showed up, all Clake could feel was dread.

She thought back of how pretty she was, how feminine she looked with that nice white blouse and long hair on her shoulders, and all of that only sent a new wave of sadness through her body.

Fake relationship or not, they had broken up for real and Lexa was the one who made it clear by not being there the first day. She was the one suggesting they shouldn’t be seen together to make it credible.

But that morning she was just there, as always, looking beautiful and smiling at her. And the only thing Clarke wanted was for her to come over and take her hand.

How delusional could she be? She was the one that let Lexa down in the first place and now she needed to pay for the consequences of her actions.

The blonde dismissed a worried look of Octavia who was seated next to her, and returned to her doodles.

“Hey, are you coming to lunch with us?”, the brunette’s soft voice awakened her. She was so lost in her own head she didn’t even hear the bell ring.

Clarke stood up and put her things in the bag. “No, thanks. I have some catching up to do for a project”, she vaguely answered.

It didn’t matter that from the day of her outburst and the revelation of her break up the whole lunch situation had considerably changed. Finn was now less co*cky and stayed on his side of the table, just sending some puppy stares in her general direction. Even Raven avoided her usual joking around.

Still, she didn’t really feel like spending time with any of them. The only place she wanted to spend her free time at school was the silence of the art room. The big space on the second floor, almost never used by students, had now become her favourite place to spend lunch break.

“But Clarke…”

“I said no thanks, O”, she cut her off. Octavia was sweet and to some extent she regretted putting her in the middle of her and Raven’s fight, but still, she couldn’t stand the idea of spending half an hour sitting at that table and pretending to have a good time.

With that, she left.

From that day on, Lexa didn’t show up at the parking lot anymore. The brunette actually decided to use the entrance on the back of the building, just to avoid the view of Clarke’s car, even if that implied having to cross the whole building to reach her locker.

Still, she tried to steal glances of Clarke any chance she got. When she left for the next class, at her locker or just before the blonde left for practice.

Never in her most awkward dreams she imagined it was possible for her to miss watching cheerleading practice.

And every time she saw Clarke, she tried to smile and she waved. A small sign from the blonde, and she would have been more than ready to talk to her, maybe just even a “Hi”. But Clarke only waved back, before turning and leaving in the exact opposite direction of Lexa.

She actually missed her voice. She missed being called Lex by her, she missed the light mocking. Hell, she missed it all, from the light touches to the small kisses. Lexa closed her eyes, especially kisses.

And with that fantasy in mind, she crashed against someone.

“God...I’m so sorry!”, she immediately apologized, before realising who was the girl pressed against her, hands gripped on her forearms to steady herself, that was now looking at her notepads on the ground.

“Don’t worry, I was distracted too”, her voice. Clarke was standing there, embarrassed and trying so hard to disentangle herself from their involuntary hug, without touching her more.

Lexa immediately let go of her arms and kneeled to pick up per stuff. She smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo and for a second she felt again the warmth of her hands.

A pencil, some pens and a block half open on the floor, showing parts of small but precise drawings.

Clarke realised she was looking at it and immediately grabbed it, putting it in the small pile with the others.

“Here, let me help you”, Lexa tried to say, reaching for her hand to help her stand up.

Their fingers touched and it was electric. Clarke’s hand was so soft against her palm and actually pliant for a second, before becoming rigid. The blonde’s hand retracted as if she was burned.

“Thanks Lex”, she said.

God, she missed being called Lex.

“So...we need to bump into each other to meet”, she tentatively tried. Lexa wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity to talk to her, even if it felt like they didn’t speak for ages.

Clarke looked around, as if checking if someone was looking at them. “Yeah, well...that tends to happen when two people break up”

Lexa tightened her grip on Clarke’s pencils. Oh no, she wasn’t ready to be dismissed just like that.

“Yes, but given our circ*mstances I thought that…”, she tried again

Clarke took a step back, holding her notepads on her chest. “What did you expect? It was you who suggested to let everything cool off, before trying to be friends”, Clarke inadvertently spat the word. She knew she agreed to it, but she couldn’t imagine herself being friends with the girl she thought she was developing feelings for. The same girl that was now in front of her, looking at her with expectant green eyes.

Those words made Lexa stop. Clarke didn’t want to speak to her, that much was clear. The emphasis she put on the word “trying” sounded bitter in Lexa’s head.

She felt her own hand moving and opening in front of her, only to present Clarke with her pens and pencils.

Small fingers picked them up from her palm, and it stung how carefully they moved in order not to touch her skin again.

“Thanks again, I’ll see you around”, the blonde looked at her for one more second. It felt like they were strangers again.

“Bye Clarke”, Lexa whispered, and Clarke couldn’t prevent the wave of useless relief at hearing the brunette peculiar accent pronounce her name.

***

Lexa looked around, darkly. It was almost a month since the last time she spent a Friday night alone at Anya’s bar. Since the arrangement with Clarke.

“Mum’s not going to be restrained for much longer, you know”, Anya distractedly said, while drying a glass.

Lexa took a sip from her beer on the counter, while waiting for an unknown band to start playing. Clarke told her she would have liked to go back to Grounders and a pang of hurt ran through her. She would have liked it too. She imagined Clarke with her leather jacket on, sitting next to her for a quiet Friday night, listening to some good music.

She raised her eyes to her sister. “Restrained from what?”, she truly had no idea what Anya was talking about.

Anya raised her eyebrows. “She told you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner.”

Lexa groaned. Of course, Indra didn’t suggest something, she just told you to do it. And that happened almost three weeks ago. Well, no need to think about it anymore, at least with the present situation.

Anya saw her little sister avert her eyes and put some real interest in the wood of the counter. She stopped drying and put her elbows on it, fixing her stare at Lexa. “What happened”.

This was one of the traits Anya took completely after Indra. She didn’t ask, she demanded to know.

Lexa scrolled her shoulders, trying to dismiss the topic. No need to involve her sister in her own personal mess that was her love life. “We’re not together anymore”.

Anya stood still and Lexa squirmed. “Elaborate.”

“We broke up Anya, let it go”, she snapped. It was not Anya’s place to question her choices and she didn’t know the whole story anyway. Lexa tried to raise and leave for a more comfortable spot, a spot where her sister couldn’t reach her, but a hand stopped her.

“Who broke up with who, Alexandra?”

Ok, Anya wasn’t going to let it go.

Lexa took a breath. “It was me ok? I broke up with her. It’s not a big deal anyway”, she tried to dismiss it.

Anya’s stare was still on her. “Why?”

“Why do you care so much!”, she almost screamed, exasperated by the questions. The situation was f*cked up enough without her sister snooping around.

“Because you were happy. So f*cking happy, like I never saw you before. You stopped brooding around with your damn books, went out more with people your own age. f*ck, you finally looked like the adolescent you are and not some tormented kid who grew up too fast. And I suspect your relationship with that girl had something to do with it. So now I want to know why you decided to jeopardize it”. It was the most she heard Anya speak about relationships in ever. Since when has her sister observed her so closely? Did her mother have the same opinion?

“I was not broody”. She tried, unconvincingly.

“Spit it out Lex”, Anya sushed a patron who tried to ask for something and the task was immediately picked up by one of the other bartenders.

“She...Her ex is back in the picture, he broke up with Costia and returned to Clarke’s group of friends”, she tried to articulate. She could admit that speaking about her emotions wasn’t exactly her forte.

“So what?”, Anya frowned.

“So one day I went for lunch at their table, he was there, they ignored me, Clarke asked me if I wanted to sit with them but they clearly didn’t want me there, so I left and everything became weird from that moment on”. Ok, synthesizing what happened didn’t exactly help her position.

“So she ignored you from that moment on because the idiot’s back?”

It was Lexa’s turn to frown. “No actually, she came to find me after I left and apologized. She fought with him and left”. Ok, from Anya’s expression she felt like a complete moron.

“So you broke up because…”, Anya asked, expecting Lexa to answer. She didn’t really get it and, even from Lexa’s point of view while explaining it, it didn’t really make any sense.

“Because we didn’t fit together anymore. She comes from a different group, a completely different environment and we couldn’t make it last anyway”.

“Says who?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”, Lexa was starting to get angry.

Anya arked her brow. “So it’s even more idiotic. And what the f*ck do you care where you sit anyway? And why didn’t you speak up when the guy was there?”

Lexa was left completely speechless. Why didn’t she?

“You left the girl who managed to put you out of your misery and freed you from the Costia cult because of a damn seat! And she even apologised for it and dismissed him! What else did you expect from her? Tell me, how dense are you exactly?” she seemed genuinely interested in knowing it and that made Lexa make her first mistake.

“It was not bound to continue anyway”, she mumbled.

That caught Anya’s attention. Her tone of voice became from angry to concerned. “What do you mean?”

Lexa looked around, as if she was searching some way of escaping the third degree. Was she really going to tell her sister she made a deal with Clarke that accidentally became a crush? Apparently, she was. Because from Anya’s look she was going to detect any lie and, frankly, she was so tired of it. “Do you promise not to tell anyone?”

She rolled her eyes. “Spit it out.”

“It was all fake”, she managed to say. It had a strange sound, said out loud. She retracted her hands in the sleeves of her leather jacket and averted her eyes.

That actually managed to silence Anya, who widened her eyes. “What do you mean “fake”?

“Well...we were both dumped by our respective exes and we agreed to join forces to get back at them. Mission accomplished, considering Finn and Costia broke up”, she smiled bitterly. She spent the whole week thinking of how many things she could have done with Clarke, if only the other couple lasted a few weeks more.

“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you!” Anya almost shouted, gaining the terrorized looks of half the patrons in the bar. Probably all of them were relieved they weren’t the ones the shouting was directed to.

“We were both angry at the time”, she tried to justify herself, without much success.

“So let me see if I understand correctly: you and the blonde cheerleader faked your relationship for a month to rub it in your exes faces, you so obviously developed a crush for each other and actually started dating, whether you admitted it to yourself or not, with the pretense of being fake. Then you - she pointed a finger on Lexa’s chest - decided to break up with her for a f*cking seat in the cafeteria, even if she ran back to you after she realised her mistake”. Sharp and straight to the point, as always.

Seeing the facts reflected in her sister’s words, Lexa felt like she made the biggest mistake of her life. She saw Clarke’s sad eyes the other day, when they crossed paths. The fact that she stubbornly stayed at an arm’s reach.

“It’s not that easy Ahn, the thing is: we started everything because of our exes and after what happened at the cafeteria neither of us was sure we were headed in the right direction by keeping up the charade and just ignoring the fact that we were together just because of Finn and Costia”, Anya’s pointed stare didn’t let her go. She rolled her eyes and continued. “...And it hurt to see her act like before we started this thing, like the posh girl with the jock friends that ignored me for so long”.

Anya snorted, but her eyes were less angry now. She could understand her sister’s fears and insecurities. She was an angry adolescent just like her once and could relate with the pressure of a group of spoiled kids. “Is the news of your break up already the ultimate gossip?”, she half smiled, thinking back of her own years in high school and not missing them at all.

Lexa took a long sip from her beer, emptying it. “Obviously”.

“Was it you or her that told it?”, Anya insisted.

Lexa was fed up with answering question and felt completely drained. Clarke’s beautiful eyes so deeply sad after the break up in the library were plastered in her mind. “It was her Anya, what the f*ck does it have to do with anything?”

“Did she say it was her who dumped you?”

Lexa lowered her eyes again. “No, everyone knows it was me so I assume she told them as much. But I assured her we could come up with a story to make it look like…”

Anya interrupted her. “You told her you were breaking up with her because you were tired of pretending and the minute after that you asked her to make up another fake story?”

By this point Lexa was exasperated. “Yes Anya, you’re doing a pretty f*cking great job of making me realize I’m the big bad in my own story.”

Anya half laughed. “No little sis, I’m just trying to make you see from an external perspective that you put the poor girl through some serious misery and she still stayed true to you. You felt the pressure of her circle of friends and closed up, she felt the same pressure and didn’t act promptly. She tried to make up for it but basically your irrational self didn’t accept it”.

Lexa lowered her forehead on the counter. f*ck.

“I asked her if she wanted to stay friends,” she managed to add.

At that point, Anya broke out in a laugh. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it. You friendzoned her! You friendzoned the girl you have a crush on because of a f*cking seat in the cafeteria. What did she tell you?”

Lexa looked desperately at her. No use trying to deny her feelings now, she had long made peace with the fact that she had a gigantic crush on Clarke Griffin.

“First, nobody says friendzone anymore Anya. And...she told me ok but I barely managed to talk to her the whole week”. For the sake of her sanity, she omitted the awkward encounter when they literally crashed into each other.

“Are you serious right now? What did you expect exactly? I mean, in a single month she managed to be cheated on by her jock boyfriend and then dumped by her nerd girlfriend - the older Woods half laughed at the scorned expression of her sister. The same nerd girlfirend who now expects to be her bff in front of the whole school. Let me tell you sis, if you were in her shoes you’d probably bury yourself in the library and bribe the librarian to not let anyone else enter”. Anya reasoned, drinking her own beer and still ignoring whoever tried to interrupt her.

Lexa took a big breath and raised her head. Ok, Anya’s point of view was accurate in a way, but still, she firmly believed that her and Clarke were going to break up anyway if they didn’t put a stop on the pretending part of their relationship. She thought the blonde understood that but Anya made her realize that Clarke could have interpreted her proposal of being friends like a way to let her go softly. f*ck again.

Anya remained silent for a few minutes, leaving her sister deep in her own thoughts and finally serving some of the clients.

Lexa’s mind rushed to the last seven days, to Clarke’s tired expression and the fact that she didn’t see her at lunch.She heard some of the negative gossip from cheerleaders and other people around school. Did Clarke hear them as well?

After thinking about what Anya said, the break up didn’t seem like a good idea after all. They could have simply discussed their feelings and made it right without the need to stop anything. She could have just accepted the coffee and smiled, that damn day in the library, focusing on how considerate Clarke was trying to be. But no, she was so lost in her little high school world she couldn’t see anything past the deep feeling of betrayal when she was let down in front of Clarke’s friends, the same people she was slowly starting to consider her friends as well.

You dumped her because of a f*cking seat at the jocks’ table. Anya’s words sounded in her head. While they were not really the reason, she couldn’t deny how much that single moment weighted in her decision to break up with Clarke.

Why didn’t you stand up to Finn there? Her sister made a damn good point. Why didn’t she just take a seat and put the idiot back in his place? The reason was simple, even if it stung to realize it. She felt outnumbered at the moment and just retreated. Exactly like Clarke did.

“Stop it, you’re frying your pretty little head that Clarke likes so much”, Anya’s words made her return to reality. “So...you made a mess. What are you going to do now?” Her sister asked.

Lexa opened her mouth to answer, still unsure if she just wanted to insult her sister, who proved herself to be as perceptive as she was unnerving. A ding from her phone stopped her.

She took it from the pocket and unlocked the screen.

Unknown number
Lexa, this is Octavia. I got your number from Lincoln. I know you two broke up but I think Clarke’s in trouble, her mother called to know where she is and I’m covering for her but I don’t know how long I can keep it up...

Lexa didn’t finish reading it when Anya interrupted her. “You’re frowning, what is it?”

“Clarke’s in trouble”, she curtly answered. Her mind was rushing, Clarke was in trouble and she felt a wave of fear. She and her mum fought a lot, maybe she just run away like the last time and now was in some kind of danger in some forgotten part of the city. Or maybe she was just...

A pair of keys landed in front of her. “Go, move. And don’t even start interrogating yourself if it’s your place to intervene. Get out of here and sort out this mess.”

Lexa just grabbed the keys and mouthed a silent “thank you” to her sister, who just rolled her eyes and went back to work, mumbling something about kids and damn high school.

She was already in the car when she called Octavia’s number.

“Octavia, it’s Lexa. Tell me everything”

***

Clarke moved in the darkness. She had a grey hoodie on and a pair of ripped jeans, the hood barely hid her blonde locks and she slightly trembled. It was not exactly the right outfit to be out in the early autumn breeze.

Still, it wasn’t like she was ready to stay out when she left her house. All because of a fight with her mother.

What happened wasn’t really something unusual: just the same old refrain. A call for dinner not heard because she was too deeply focused in her painting, and the damage was done.

The truth was, paint was the only thing that calmed her, that enabled her to finally feel at peace. So she got lost in her art and forgot the simple measures she had become so good at using, in order to prevent her mum to get angry. These days, with all the Lexa-mess, she found herself to be too tired to even care.

She just wanted to be left in peace, painting and getting lost in the colours instead of her own doubts. She did everything her mother expected, from the extracurricular activities to having the best grades of her class. She simply asked to be left alone, after that.

Shame that it wasn’t possible.

After the break up, she had shut down the mere idea of the art exposition. Too much of it was connected to Lexa and she had no energy now to think about it. So she was just drowning in her new works. All she could see were Lexa’s cold green eyes when she told her she was tired of pretending, and that green stare was now transfixed on canvas in brutal green moss scratches.

She distinctly felt her pain in hearing from Lexa what a part of her already knew: they couldn’t go on like this. So that became a trait of angry red in the center of the painting. A perfectly round circle, the only definite thing in the messy background.

Clarke had spent all her free time in her room, not caring if her hands were washed clean when she came down, even if she knew that even the slightest stain of paint would cause a scene.

And that’s exactly what happened.

A simple word from her mother and she had snapped. She was not even sure what it was about: it could have been about her grades, an A- instead of a straight A in a test, or maybe the untidiness of her complexion when she presented herself.

Her father had tried to calm both of them down, without success. Now that she was alone outside, she just remembered her screaming about the fact that “she wasn’t going to support a penniless wanna be artist” and that she “was wasting her own skills”. She also saw herself like in the movies, shouting a loud “f*ck you” and storming out of the door with her bag on one shoulder.

Surely, they had put on some show.

It hasn’t happened for a few months now and Clarke partially blamed herself for not being able to control herself and let everything go. What did she gain, after all? Nothing but useless drama.

Well, finally screaming at her mum actually made her feel good. Even if she was just the convient target and not the only reason of her outburst.

So there she was, hiding behind a wall illuminated only by a lamp, in the schoolyard. Her feet dragged her there and now she was looking with expert eyes on the surface, feeling the weight of her bag on her shoulder.

Luckily, she had one spray can in it. A lucky coincidence indeed.

She looked around and felt fairly sure that no one was there. Still: doing graffiti on public property was not something to take lightly, but she was grateful for the rush of adrenaline now running through her veins.

She shook the spray can, then sprayed the dark colour, expertly moving from the upper part of the wall. Even with only one black can she could do something.

Illumined only the the light of the street lamp, she worked fast. A sharp line there, a thick one under it. She didn’t care if her hands were stained, nor if she was breathing the chemical smell of the industrial product.

She refused to get lost in that one time, so many days ago, when someone else was with her in her improvised raid.

Still, the image of the silhouette of a girl throwing a pouch was so clear in her head and her hands worked as if they had a mind of their own. She felt the spray can was almost empty and she hoped the remaining paint was enough to complete her work.

Her traits became more precise and she moved faster.

Until she heard tires creak on the streets and a car approaching.

f*ck.

As fast as she could, she threw the can on the grass and run behind the same wall, in order not to be in the cone of light and easily spotted by the driver.

***

Where the hell was she?

Lexa drove slowly through the desert streets, but Anya’s big old car was far from subtle. She wondered if someone had already alerted the police for suspect movements around the neighbourhood.

She had already been to the dark overrpass with their mural. In hindsight, it was a bit pretentious of her to think that Clarke would have gone there. In fact, the graffiti with herself in the arena was there, clear even if someone had tagged his own name with pink colour on one edge.

She had stopped there for a few seconds and studied her image. It had been a relief, actually, to know that Clarke hadn’t walked more than a half dozen miles to reach that skid row, alone.

While she was driving, she thought of dialing Clarke’s number but she refrained.

Once she had stopped apologizing for calling her, Octavia had told her that Clarke left her home without her phone and her mother suspected she went to hers. The brunette had confirmed, staying vague about what Clarke had told her, but detected guilt in mrs Griffin’s always polite voice.

Meaning that Clarke and her mother had had their usual fights. Octavia wasn’t sure what about, but she knew her friend had some issues with her ever perfect mother.

Octavia’s cover could stick for a few hours, maybe for the hole night even, but not more. They needed to find Clarke and, even if she and Lexa were not together anymore, Octavia thought she could have a clue of where Clarke could have gone.

She had actually tried to dissuade Lexa from jumping on a Griffin hunt, but by the time they hung up Lexa was already in Anya’s car.

After the underpass, Clarke’s neighbourhood had been the second place to search. Lexa went around it a few times, careful not to pass in front of the Griffin’s house. Nothing.

She already knew it was useless and was now feeling angry that after just one try she was already out of ideas. She made Octavia stay where she was, in case Clarke showed up. It was remote, but not completely impossible.

While driving around, she had thought of Clarke, angry and alone somewhere, and her throat closed. Octavia didn’t know the reason of the fight and she didn’t say anything because it was not her place to reveal Octavia something about Clarke. Still, it was easy to guess what happened.

The art exposition. How proud she felt, when the blonde told her her painting had been selected. Clarke’s hug and the long kiss they exchanged in the middle of the hallway.

That was the reason she had turned the car, ignoring the sting at the mere thought of the joy of that moment and focusing only on the image of a big yellow and green snake on the school walls.

Clarke painted where she felt something and, as in Finn’s case, the school was the place she hated more now.

So now the dark building was slowly appearing in front of her. Silent and so different from its usual state, full of kids and cars parked.

She drove around it slowly, ready to detect anything out of place. Until she saw what she was looking for.

***

Maybe it was just some random car. It would pass and go away. Clarke felt her own heartbeat in her throat and tried to breathe as silently as possible. She was ready to hear the engine leave in a distant sound.

Instead, the engine and headlights were turned down.

“Clarke”, she heard a voice hissing.

She couldn’t believe it.

“C’mon Griffin, come out”, another hiss, with the sound of a car door beeing gently closed, careful not to make any noise.

What the hell was Lexa going there.

She came out from where she was hidden and looked at the brunette, frowning. “What are you doing here?”

A warm feeling of relief invaded Lexa. Clarke was there and she was fine, except for the fact that she looked pissed and completely taken aback by seeing her.

“Get in the car, I saw a few cops’ cars while coming and you cannot be found here”, Lexa answered instead. There wasn’t time now to talk and she wasn’t really looking forward to another meeting with the police.

As if someone heard her, the distant sound of a car approaching broke the night. Clarke tightened the grip of her bag and retrieved the almost empty can from the ground, before moving to Lexa’s car.

She didn’t even turn to see her finished work. A big black heart that looked like it was pumping blood. Inside, less then defined but repetitive shapes of closed fists.

They drove in silence: Clarke curled up in the furthest part of the seat from Lexa, looking outside the window, the brunette was tapping nervously on the wheel at every red light. The blonde’s perfume invaded the car and Lexa realised it was nother small detail she didn’t know she had been missing the whole time that week.

The silence between them had always been relaxed. This time they were both too painfully aware of the distance and the slight embarrassment that permeated the air.

“I’m…”, Lexa tried, unsure of what to say, but Clarke’s voice stopped her. “What are you doing here Lexa?”. She sounded tired more than anything.

Lexa looked right in front of her and let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Octavia called. She...Your mother called her to know where you were and she covered for you but she was scared and…”, she rambled, suddenly confused.

“...And she called you”, Clarke bitterly chuckled.

Lexa turned, inspecting the blonde. Her hands were moving nervously up and down her legs, as if she was cold. And she probably was, considering it wasn’t summer anymore and she only wore what she supposed were her home clothes.

“Yes, she thought I could help find you before your mother called her bluff”. Lame, Woods. She heard Anya’s voice calling her iper-rational again and hated that word.

“I’m...I’m sorry about that”, Clarke’s voice was soft now, almost tentative. As if all her energy and anger had been absorbed by what she did that night.

And with that Lexa stopped, a few thousand meters from Clarke’s house. She unconsciously drove there, even if part of her just wanted to take that beautiful sad girl with her at Grounders and make her forget everything that happened in that damn week. Was Clarke actually surprised she went to look for her?

“Why would you be sorry?”. She perfectly knew why Clarke would say it, but it hurt nevertheless. As if, after everything, it wasn’t clear she would have jumped down a cliff for her. Well, maybe for the blonde it wasn’t so clear.

Clarke moved a bit in her direction, turning to look at her, her blue eyes shining in the light of the street lamps and her hair disheveled. “She didn’t have any right to contact you, especially considering she’s aware that we broke up. I’m sorry if you felt obliged to leave wherever you were to come looking for me”.

Her monotone voice disturbed Lexa more than her words. She suddenly felt the urge to take some emotion from the blonde, who was so full of life just a few days ago and now just looked like she wasn’t touched by anything.

“C’mon Clarke, you know it wasn’t out of obligation”. She tried to provoke her but Clarke didn’t comment on it, so she just went on. “What happened with your mother?”

Clarke snorted. “Same old story Lexa. Me not being good enough in some test, me not focusing enough on my future and wasting my time doing useless sketches”, she took a breath, as if she was trying to let out all the weight on her shoulders. “I just wanted to get away for a bit, I didn’t think she would have called Octavia and that she would have contacted you”. She nervously passed her fingers through her messy locks.

“Did your mum find out about the exposition?”, Lexa added, ignoring any new reference of the fact that she wasn’t supposed to be there, helping her.

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and went immediately rigid. “No...no I didn’t even finish…”, talking about the exposition seemed to stir up something in her, “You know what, Lex? I don’t think I’m in the mood to talk with you about it actually”. She moved to open the door, only to be blocked by a strong hand.

“What is that even supposed to mean?”. Lexa couldn’t believe Clarke was going to just get out of the car and leave her there, without any further explanation. Or, actually, she was simply not ready to let her go.

“Exactly what I said. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you”, she stubbornly repeated, even if she didn’t try to free her wrist.

“What? About the exposition?”, Lexa was at a loss. What was she talking about? They spent hours talking about it, she dragged that giant canvas in her car, for God’s sake. And now they couldn’t even have a normal conversation about it?

“About the exposition, about my mum...I don’t feel like we can talk about those things anymore Lex”. Her voice was now softer and she lowered her eyes. There was a sadness in her words, as if they hurt her more than they were hurting Lexa.

“But…”

“There’s no but Lexa. We’ve broken up and as much as it pains me I cannot run to you with my problems. Octavia did the wrong thing by calling you and you were actually supposed to tell her it wasn’t your place to come, instead of starting a search expedition around town with Anya’s car. You have to return it, by the way”. Her tone was almost exasperated, eyes shining with tears that refused to come down.

“Again with this f*cking thing. I don’t get it, Clarke. We broke up, but we said we could still be friends and friends talk and save each other’s asses when in trouble”. Lexa’s voice was almost pleading and it made her angry with herself. Never had she pleaded anyone, especially for something like friendship.

She looked at Clarke’s hands and she refrained from taking one, even if she felt that touching her was the only way to break all that distance now lingering between them.

Clarke chuckled. “Yeah well...I don’t feel I can be friends with you right now”. There, she said it, clear and neat.

“Why not?”, Lexa looked smaller in that seat, as if the discussion made her close up in herself.

Clarke almost laughed at how cute she was. Even in the most absurd and emotional moments, she couldn’t refrain from noticing it. She sent her a small smile. “Well, for starters because I’m so messed up we’d just fight the whole time”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “As if we didn’t when we were together”.

Wrong choice of words. Both of them went rigid.

“Well, at least now it’s out”, the blonde commented. “And that’s exactly the other reason actually. I think I’m mad at you for deciding to end it the way you did. It was the rational thing to do and I get it, but it still hurt and I won't be ready to be your friend until it stops”.

With that she started to leave the car again, even if Lexa's hand was still on her wrist, unconsciously caressing it. As soon as she felt the arm slipping, the grip tightened.

Lexa looked at her, helpless and almost pleading for something she couldn't name yet.

Clarke smiled at her, entwining their fingers.

God, how much she missed doing it.

“I never properly thanked you for what you did for me, Lex. I'm not only talking about the art exposition but for everything. You gave me confidence and you supported me like no one else did”, she let out a small laugh, looking at her, “God, you even put up with my mood swings”. She tightened her hold on Lexa's hand and the brunette did the same. “I just want you to know I'm grateful for all of it and that'll never go away”.

The blonde lightly kissed the back of her hand, letting it go.

“Thanks for the ride”, she whispered, opening the door.

Lexa couldn't do anything but follow her with her eyes, while Clarke walked away with her hands in her pockets, while the headlights from her car illuminated Clarke’s blonde hair in the darkness.

Chapter 15: Thursday I don’t care about you pt.3

Chapter Text

“I don’t care, O. You shouldn’t have called her”. Clarke repeated for the 10th time. She was no longer as angry with Octavia but definitely tired and frustrated that she refused to let it go. She was already embarrassed enough that her mother called Octavia, but involving Lexa was the last thing she needed.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t where the conversation was going.

A conversation in which Octavia basically tried to convince her that it was utterly romantic that Lexa jumped on the epic adventure of saving her from God knows what. She was out doing graffiti, exactly what she had done hundreds of times before, without the need for someone to come to her rescue.

She tightened the hold of her mobile phone and rolled her eyes again, only half listening to Octavia’s rambling about how Lexa sounded worried on the phone the night before. “I swear Clarke, she called me like ten seconds after I sent the text and the last thing on her mind was the fact that you two are broken up”.

Clarke was tempted to answer that the f*cked-up thing was, it was Lexa who decided to break up. A point Octavia stubbornly decided to ignore.

The blonde took a deep breath. The conversation wasn’t so funny anymore and she was gradually feeling the same sadness from the days before. She and Lexa were not together anymore, their agreement - whatever it was - was over and that was it. She had been the one enacting the process by not standing up for her in front of Finn and it all escalated from there. End of the story.

If it just could be that simple. The truth was, the relief she felt by seeing Lexa so disheveled and worried for her quickly turned into hurt and sadness, because they weren’t able to move their relationship in the right direction.

So now she just wanted Octavia to stop and go back doing what she was supposed to: get ready to go to the children’ day care. She had studied the timetable and was actually confident she could avoid Lexa, even if she was basically trespassing in her neighbourhood. Still, she promised the kids she would have been back and she wasn’t going to let them down.

“I’m not going to repeat it, O. Lexa’s a good person and you probably just scared her, so of course she came, considering the knight in the shining armour complex she has. Still, it wasn’t your place to call her and it’s not your place to scheme some plan to make us go back together. It will just blow up in your face, trust me”.

Octavia took a breath and pulled her most serious voice. “Clarke, I know you told us that it was her who decided to break up, but let me tell you: when I called her I heard a worried girlfriend, not an indifferent ex girlfriend. She didn’t even question me!”

“Again O? Because she’s a good person! It was you that probably just scared her”, she was exasperated. It would have all been so easy if her friends knew of her graffiti hobby, so her nighttime escapades wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And God, it would be a big relief to tell someone of her and Lexa’s previous agreement.

“She is, and that’s why I don’t understand what game you two are playing! You have no reason to be apart and yet you still act as if it’s something inevitable!”.

It was scary, how near to the truth Octavia was. Considering what the premises of their relationship, breaking up was exactly the inevitable consequence.

Clarke just averted her eyes. “Oh my God, O. Stop it!”

She frowned. “Is there something you’re not telling me Griffin? What is it?”

“I won’t repeat myself, let-it-go”, Clarke spelled, before hanging up without saying goodbye.

The drive wasn’t long, even if she accurately avoided passing in front of Lexa’s house. She was not supposed to be there, but it felt weird anyhow: seeing Anya’s car parked there and thinking back at the night she spent there just a few weeks ago...no, she didn’t want to go there and there was no point in feeding herself with some sort of misplaced expectations. She believed in what she told Octavia: Lexa just got worried because of her friend’s rambling and at the mention of Abby Griffin’s anger. And jumping in a grand search was exactly something Lexa would have done. No more and no less than that.

Clarke thought again at their conversation in the car: she told Lexa she was angry at her for the way she ended their relationship. They both admitted out loud that what they had was more than fake.

She couldn’t prevent a bitter laugh. It was actually more communication than what they had when they were together. Maybe breaking up was really the best thing to do.

Still, she was so f*cking angry at her. At her uncertain smile in the corridors of the school, at the tender way she spoke when she found her the night before, at the way they said goodbye. At how good it felt to hold her hand again.

And oh, how much did she want to tell her about the art gallery and the fact that she had a few tickets for free. Nylah told her to give them to her friends and family, and the grumpy brunette who was so possessive at the cafè. And she really wanted to just give one to Lexa.

She felt like punching the wheel. What did she do to deserve to end up in that mess?

Hopefully, and entire morning spent with children was going to put her in a better mood.

***

Clarke was mad at her. Like, really mad. And she didn’t even realize it until she told her, the night before.

Lexa just punched the punching bag harder. She felt the other people training around her but she couldn’t be bothered. It was only her, her fists and her thoughts.

She was sweating profusely and her hands vaguely hurt, but she wasn’t going to stop any time soon. She needed to let out some steam and exhausting herself in the gym was actually healthier than sending the day as a recluse at home, with just the company of her books.

At the same time, she felt the need to speak to Clarke again and the opposite need to put as much distance as she could from the blonde.

For the first time in her life, the rational approach was utterly failing. By deciding to end their relationship she did what was best for both of them, cutting off something that was becoming toxic because it was rooted on Costia and Finn’s betrayal.

Still, Clarke was mad at her and that was the furthest reaction she expected from her. Even if it perfectly made sense the night before, when Clarke told her straight, treating her as an obtuse child. Which she probably was, considering she didn’t realize that the blonde felt betrayed by her actions and wasn’t feeling like playing buddies.

God, she was the one proposing a friendship. She heard Anya’s voice repeating it over and over: “You told the girl you clearly have a crush on to just be friends. How stupid are you exactly?”

She threw another punch. That’s a good question, Anya.

And now? Now the ball was in her court and she had to act.

“Woah...Do you want to wreck the punching bag?”, a male voice approached her.

Lexa hit the bag again, without even turning.

“Am I still getting the silent treatment?”

She could feel Lincoln’s presence behind her and she really didn’t feel like talking to the guy. She couldn’t give a damn about the cafeteria debacle anymore, considering the state of her relationship with Clarke. Still, the betrayal stung.

“C’mon Lexa, I already told you how sorry I am”, he pleaded, moving behind the punching bag and grabbing it with his hands, effectively stopping its swing.

“Move Lincoln”, Lexa didn’t even look at him, still focused on the right point to hit on the consumed leather. She threw a punch and Lincoln had to take a step back, in order not to lose his grip.

“Octavia told me she called you”, he tried again.

“So?”, she wasn’t going to talk to him about it. She wasn’t going to talk about it with anyone actually, if she could avoid it.

“So, I want to help you get Clarke back. I know I didn’t act like it but I’m your friend and…”, he stopped to keep the punching bag still after another punch. “f*ck Lexa, you’re going to dislocate a shoulder if you keep on punching like this”.

“Let me be clear, I answered to your girlfriend’s text because it seemed like an emergency. It doesn’t mean anything, especially not that I’m going to be part of your little pity project”. She punched it again with more force.

She was angry at him, angry at Octavia for calling and angry at herself for acting like she did with Clarke. And if she felt like punching the f*cking bag, she was going to do it until her arms were falling off.

“You’re both a mess Lexa. Clarke pushed everybody away, O can’t even talk to her without…”

She stopped abruptly, panting. Her angry eyes now on Lincoln. “What the hell do you want Lincoln? Tell me and then go because I’m tired and my relationship with Clarke isn’t any of your or Octavia’s business”.

Lincoln lowered his eyes. “I want you to know that I regret what happened that day with Finn. None of us thought it would bring so many consequences”.

“Well, let me tell you how it works”, Lexa punched the bag again, voice low and cold, “If someone you consider a friend is trashed in front of everyone you don’t stay silent”.

“I know I f*cked up Lex, it’s not like I don’t get it”. He stopped the punching bag. “Tell me what I have to do to make it right”, his face was dead serious.

To some extent, Lexa understood him. Being the new addition of a group like Clarke’s and Octavia’s was not a comfortable position, especially if you came from a different environment and taking the lead in opposing to the golden boy of the school, aka Raven’s best friend and everyone’s childhood friend wasn’t easy. Still, it hurt.

So, she just remained silent. She liked to think she could manage alone, without the need of these new people she called friends in a lapse of judgement.

“Lexa please”, Lincoln tried again. He moved, grabbing her gloved hands and starting to undo the straps. He had a determination Lexa never saw in the boy before. “I know you like to feel like you don’t need anyone, but you’ve become one of my best friends and I need you back”. He freed her hands and put the gloves on the nearest bench. “Now you can punch me, if it’ll make you feel better. Get it out of your system once and for all”.

He stood in front of her, offering his chin.

Lexa looked at him, at his stupidly guilty expression and his stoic attitude. He was 15 inches higher than her, which made the situation kind of funny.

She almost didn’t, but then punched him anyway. She hit him on the shoulder, not to strong but enough to make him take a few steps back. She wasn’t going to go for the face, Octavia would have effectively ended her, but she actually felt liberated now.

“Ouch!”, he almost screamed, holding the hit shoulder with the opposite hand, with the eyes of a betrayed puppy. “Are we even now?”

She let out a long breath and thought about it for a few seconds. Her and Lincoln’s friendship actually grew when she and Clarke started their arrangement and he became more and more a shoulder for her, without even realizing it. Silently, Lincoln became the friend she never had at school, someone she actually had something in common with and with whom she could navigate the crazy world of Clarke’s friends.

And she actually missed him. She wasn’t going to tell him that: their friendship was the kind in which some things were implied. Still, having him there now lifted a burden Lexa didn’t know she was carrying on her shoulders.

“One step at the time, big guy”, she moved to walk away and go have a shower, planning on leaving him there.

Except, Lexa found him waiting for her after she was done, long brown hair still wet.

Lincoln passed her a Gatorade, leaning on the chords of the ring.

“I say you buy her flowers”

She almost burst into a laugh. And her situation with Clarke wasn’t something she was ready to laugh about. “I don’t think it’s so easy to buy her and I’m not actually sure there’s still something to save”.

“With the right amount of romance you can buy her forgiveness”, he observed. “And from the way she looks at you and the fact that she still eats at another table and avoids almost everyone, I think she’s not over what happened, or you”.

She turned to look at him, skeptical. “I’m not exactly a flower kind of girl, Lincoln”. She never actually did something like that. Sure, she and Costia exchanged gifts, but she was never one for the cheesy surprises.

“And look how good it did to you”, he observed, not losing a bit.

“I can hit you again, you know”, she wasn’t in the mood to be patronised by a guy who wasn’t able to say no to her girlfriend when she asked him to wear matching pink training t-shirts.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you need to finally leave your comfort zone Lexa. I get you were hurt, but I know you know Clarke intervened that day: she stood up by you and actually tried to do the right thing. She was late maybe, but her heart was in the right place”. He was not wrong, even if it was still hard to admit it. “Now, if you like her like I know you do, you have to actually make her see you’re ready to compromise your stoic principles for her and not just do the overthought and perfectly rational thing everybody expects from you. It can be flowers or it can be something else, but you have to do something that throws her off and makes her forget how mad or hurt at you she is”.

God, she was taking advices on girls from Lincoln. And they actually made sense.

Apparently, Lincoln understood he had somehow gained her attention and went on. “You have to let go of some of your pride Lexa, and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of courting”

Lexa’s head was spinning. How did one give a girl some flowers? Like, technically. Was she supposed to bring them to school or go to her place? And which were the right flowers? How many? For a second, she actually saw herself - the silent, studious and grumpy straight A student - navigating through the corridors of the school with a big bouquet.

She paled.

“Did...did you really do it for Octavia?”, she tentatively asked.

“Of course, I did, for last Valentine’s day”, he proudly admitted.

“You’re like a giant teddy bear Linc, it sickens me how in love you are with that girl”

“Considering the way you sulked around school with your broody commander stare for the last week, be ready to transform in a small size teddy bear too Lexa, ‘cause you’re completely gone for Clarke and it’s not going to be easy to fix the mess you two made”.

“And what would you know about it?”, she suspiciously looked at him. She actually appreciated that he didn’t ask for any details, probably knowing Lexa was not going to share them. She was not going to expose her and Clarke’s agreement to someone from the same group: considering Octavia’s powers of convincing, she was going to extort the secret from him in no time.

“Octavia talks and lately Clarke’s her favourite subject. She was mad at her for calling you because she thinks that you have no real interest in her and just a knight in the shining armour complex. Oh, and O thinks that whatever reason you fed Clarke to justify the break up, it was at the same time the most idiotic and hurtful one you could find”.

“I...I was not trying to hurt her”, she mumbled. And she actually wasn’t: it was just a mix of insecurities, fueled by the sense of rejection she felt after the cafeteria scene that did it for her. And of course, the difficulty of putting trust in something that was born in such an unusual way with a person she never thought she would have come to like so much.

And now, all she could see was the hurt eyes of Clarke when she disappeared to go to New York and her resigned expression when she told her it was better to break up and maybe stay friends.

“I know you didn’t Lexa, and I think I actually get why you decided to break up with her”. He started playing with one of Lexa’s discarded gloves. “For a period of time, I used to think that for Octavia her group of friends was more important than me: they are dysfunctional and toxic and awfully loyal to each other as you could see with Finn. It took me a while, but then I realized our relationship is just our own: we’re sure of each other and everything else isn’t strong enough to interfere”.

Lexa just looked at her hands, red and sore. “I told her we should be friends”

Lincoln emitted a quiet whistle. “God, and you meant it?”

Lexa got quiet before answering. “No”

God, she was going to accept Lincoln’s advice.

***

Lexa didn’t buy a bouquet of flowers, in the end.

She went to three different florists, actually. She wanted to evaluate all of her options and compare species of flowers, trying to put together the right composition. Apparently, it was almost impossible to say what she meant to: as soon as she started to explain to the confused florist what was her message, she started rambling incoherent sentences.

And on her last tentative at the furthest shop in town, she was actually distracted by a text. One of the mums from the children’s daycare sent her a message with a picture attached.

Jimmy can’t stop rambling about the new teacher. Thank you for convincing her to stay!

The drawing of two penguins holding hands and ice skating popped up and Clarke’s hand was unmistakable.

And with that, her head completely went in overdrive.

Clarke still went to the day-care. She went there alone and spent hours drawing with little monsters who were almost impossible to control, let alone stay seated on their small chairs for more than a few minutes.

Still, she said she was going to show up again and teach them to draw and she did. She was there, in her space. Without her.

Lexa remembered Clarke’s smile, the mesmerized eyes of the children and oh...flowers were not nearly enough.

That was the Clarke she got to know so well during the last months. A funny, bright and beautiful girl she could easily fall for. She found herself thinking how it would have been to just meet her, without all the burden of Costia and Finn’s betrayal and the toxic reminder that they were together just for apparences. At least at the beginning.

She left the shop with just one single red tulip in her hands. At least she remembered one of the first conversations with Clarke: she liked flowers, just not roses because they’re so cliché.

Lame was the only word she could come up with, but she didn’t have the heart to leave the old florist without even buying one small thing. She spent the last fifteen minutes trying to come up with the right bouquet for her, with just the right amount of flowers saying “I want you back” and “You’re more than a friend” and a single text disrupted everything.

A text that gave her the exact feeling of loss she felt every time she walked to school alone or looked at the incredible graffiti on the wall of the building.

So she was out of the shop now, with that small looking flower wrapped up in a cute silver paper.

Simplicity always does it best sweetie, you’ll see, was all the advice the lady gave her before putting the tulip in her hands.

God, of all the books she read, not a single one of them taught her how to put together a decent apology and maybe a small declaration. Not of love, but of care, maybe. No, not maybe: definitely.

She went home and accurately hid the flower. She was not ready to explain to Indra why she had it and Anya was nosey enough as it was.

That night, she dreamt of an indistinct patchwork of reds and blues and some soft lips that left her with a sense of longing the morning after.

A morning that began with her, the most cheesy flower of all times in her backpack and no idea at all about what to do with it.

And it was all Lincoln’s fault.

***

Clarke entered the school from the side entrance. Incidentally, the one near her brand-new mural. Incidentally, the furthest from the front school yard Lexa usually crossed to enter the building.

A bunch of people were shooting pictures with their phones at her work and she was invaded by a sense of pride. She observed her graffiti with a critical eye as she passed in front of it, feigning disinterest: maybe redder and a little bit of green it could have been better, more defined. If she just had a bit more time before the whole Lexa rescuing mission...And there she was again, Lexa.

She couldn’t lie to herself: she felt relieved when she saw the brunette, with green frantic eyes. Because the truth was, the acid feeling of being so easy to forget still stung and the way Lexa put an end to their relationship only fueled it.

But she was there for her a few nights ago and, even if she said all the wrong things, the fact remained. Sure, she told her she wanted to be friends, again, but the way she held her hand told a different story. God, for a girl that read so much she had some lame lines.

So that morning, for the first time since the breakup, she wasn’t eager to see her. The other mornings she secretly searched for her in a twisted mind game: trying to see if Lexa too was looking at her. And she found her there, more times than not.

Still, a look was not enough. From both sides.

So that morning she wasn’t ready to see her. Because after the car ride she saw something in Lexa’s eyes that awakened expectation and it wasn’t time to keep her hopes up. Lexa said friendship, again, the same night.

Maybe, in the future, the F word was going to sound less ridiculous and they could start to interact again. But that moment wasn’t now.

She tossed out her phone, taking a picture of her graffiti, with a group of students taking selfies around it. Then sent it with a text, pressing the “send” button before regretting it and entering school.

God, what was she doing?

A bip from her phone distracted her and she hated how her stomach seemed to jump when she read the name on the screen.

Lexa
Is it an I told you so?

Clarke
No, it’s a thank you

Lexa
I’ll always be your number one fan, you know it.

And with that, Clarke was at loss. It sounded like flirting, but it could easily be a tentative way to establish some kind of connection.

Oh God, now she was losing her mind over a stupid text, which sounded cheesy and flattering at the same time.

And it just angered more: it was by reading things like that that she felt how much she missed Lexa.

The same girl she almost collided against, while entering class.

English lit, again. Lexa was there in her neat braid and green eyes, with a cute top and those jeans that hugged her hips showing how in shape she was. And she was looking at her with a mix of softness and embarrassment, with a shade of pink on her cheeks.

How could this girl be the same bossy one that came to her rescue and sent her flirting - because it was definitely flirting - texts?

So she just entered class and sat. Hopefully, everything was going to be over soon.

Except it wasn’t, and it was all Mr. Kane’s fault. His and that Victorian chick that wrote such an obnoxious book.

***

“All I’m saying is that only a self-centered person like Elizabeth Bennet would basically say to someone who proposed and then saved her honor to just be friends. It’s stupid and totally cliché and what does it actually mean? I mean, c’mon!”.

Kane was looking desperately at her. Clarke didn’t know why she was giving him such a hard time: the poor guy was just trying to teach them something about Pride and Prejudice. Still, when he mentioned that Mr Darcy tried to be Elizabeth’s friend after he proposed and was rejected, she just lost it.

f*ck being friends and Elizabeth Bennet. She felt frustration grow inside of her, and the word “friends” just made it for her.

Now, here she was, quarrelling with a middle-aged professor about some English book and looking at the back of some infuriating girl with pretty green eyes who didn’t want her back.

“But that’s the point, Clarke. And the title of the book is actually Pride and Prejudice: it’s about people from different environments who defy their upbringing and the clichés of the nineteenth century society to be together, after overcoming their own limits”, Mr Kane tried to explain.

“Someone else would like to participate?”, he asked. His hopeful expression darkened as he saw the eyes of his other students shyly disappear behind their books.

Nobody was willing to put up with an angry cheerleader.

Until a hand rose.

“Well, Elizabeth Bennet was sorry in the end. She apologized for her prejudice, actually”. A tentative voice came from the first raw of the class. Lexa’s voice.

Suddenly, the whole class was now focused on the debate.

“Yeah, she could have done it sooner. Darcy was only a product of his own environment and was just learning how to act differently. He was trying and actually told her he cared for her first”, Clarke answered. Her eyes now focused on Lexa, daring her to go on.

Mr. Kane felt relieved, seeing someone else was going to engage with Clarke. Teenagers were hard: one moment they were yawning over the pages, a moment later they felt the need to crucify some literature heroine in a public debate.

Lexa turned a bit, to look in Clarke’s eyes. The same girl she lamely tried to flirt with by text after spending good five minutes just looking at the screen, to be sure she was reading her name right. A girl who was now basically arguing with her through a book. The problem was, Lexa was not ready to concede it to her without a fair fight.

“True, but Elizabeth felt like it was not the right way to begin their relationship. He was still not over the fact that he ended up caring for some girl not from the upper class and acted like it somehow happened against his will! Elizabeth felt it: it was like he was destined for someone else and was doing her a favor!”, Lexa answered.

And Clarke saw red. It was not enough they were debating their relationship using trite metaphors, Lexa was also using the same arguments she fed her, to prove their relationship was not right.

“C’mon, she was just a self-righteous brat that felt she was too good to put some trust in Darcy’s words, even if he tried to explain his position”, she almost screamed. Lexa was the only one person she knew that could make her go crazy with just a sentence.

Lexa almost completely turned in Clarke’s direction. Eyes open, incredulously. Did Clarke just call her a self-righteous brat? “And Darcy was just pretending to be ready to be with her, even if he was still conditioned by his upbringing and people around him that were constantly telling him she was not right!”.

And with that, the bell rang, letting off the hook Mr Kane, who had never felt more relieved the class was over. He clapped his hands, smiling: “All right class, good debate. You see, English literature can inspire us even today, and that’s the beauty of the classics. I expect a 1000 words paper about this romance for next week”.

And with that, Clarke was out of the class. She just grabbed her backpack and flew out of the room in a wave of blonde locks, leaving Lexa behind. She tried to stop her, but when she found her voice, the cheerleader was already out of the door.

So she just left too, scorned and thinking of the tulip she had in her locker.

Well, Clarke sure knew how to put some pressure on someone.

***

Clarke left class as fast as she could and fled to the art room. During her free hours it was the first place that came to her mind: just going there and losing herself in colours and lashes.

And now she had some steam to let off. Off all the things she couldn’t understand of Lexa, what happened during English lit was on top of it. Didn’t she say friends? Did staying friends entail arguing about everything as they did when they first met?

She remembered their first fights, how furious she got. God, that girl always had the power to completely destabilize her and even now that they weren’t anything she still had the force to make her snap during a class she usually just spent doodling on her notepad.

She started tracing lines on the canvas, all soft movements and cold colours. That place was the only one where she felt secure enough to paint without distractions or bad vibes: her house was now full of tension. Her and her mum relationship went to hell after the last fight and even if she returned home pretty quickly for her standards, the sole smell of acrylic made her mother nervous.

She smiled between herself, thinking of Lexa trying to put her big canvas in Anya’s car, whispering curses and focused on not touching the walls and staining them. A wave of hotness invaded her and she blamed her poor self control: she was mad at her and still, when she thought of her she could only focus on her cute face when she thought no one was looking and her lost expression the other night, when she told her she didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about her problems.

Rationally, she knew it was a low blow. If there was something Lexa always needed to do it was trying to fix everything: well, now it wasn’t her mess to sort out.

They were together only for Finn and Costia, she said. It became something more but in Lexa’s opinion it wasn’t enough to rely on it as a real relationship and just forget everything else. Would it have made a difference, if Clarke had suggested it?

Her brush became frantic.

She didn’t have any room in that decision: Lexa decided to break up and she couldn’t do anything, crushed as she was after the damn cafeteria scene with Finn. She came to hate that place and all the indifferent faces in it.

And she could see it now: she didn’t find the right words to convince Lexa it was worth a try. She just stood there, overwhelmed by her own fears of not being enough and by shame.

As angry as she still was with herself, there was one thing she didn’t get: what the f*ck was Lexa doing now. First she came to that ridiculously cute rescue, but at the same time she made it clear their relationship counted for something. Then she almost flirted with her by text. Only to spend the next hour antagonizing her over a book.

Still, the only things Clarke could feel were the betrayal of someone that always made her feel like she was enough and the sense of loss every time she thought of how much they were able to share in such a small period of time.

Wouldn’t it have been beautiful to meet without Finn and Costia in the way? She bitterly laughed at the thought that she had to thank Finn, in a sense. Without him she wouldn’t have come up with the craziest idea of her life and grasping a tiny bit of the big secret that was Lexa Woods.

She wasn’t afraid to admit it to herself: she was the girl she wanted, even if it sounded impossible just three months ago. The girl that didn’t want her back.

She stopped to look at the canvas, completely drained, until a knock distracted her.

“Hey Griff, what are you doing holed up in here?”, Raven’s tentative voice was not something she was used to.

She turned to look at the Latina, surprised to see her here. “Raven? Why aren’t you at lunch?”

“Well you don’t come there anymore, so I thought to come here and see if you’d like to join”, she looked around while speaking, as if it was the first time she was in the art room and suddenly,was very interested in brushes.

“You know the answer Ray, and I’m not in the mood to discuss it again”, she stiffly answered.

“Oh c’mon Clarke! You’re almost impossible to meet, I’m worried, Finn’s…”, she couldn’t complete the sentence.

“Don’t go there, Raven”, she admonished. She was definitely not interested in talking about him.

Unluckily, Raven wasn’t one for letting it go. “So is it still because of him?”. She dared her to say it, but Clarke just looked stiff and bored. She talked about Finn enough for a lifetime and now he was the last thing on her mind.

“Believe me or not, I don’t give a f*ck about him”, she turned to put her canvas down and gently covered it.

“Is it about her then? Lexa?”

“You know what? It is about her, but it’s actually more about us Raven”, Clarke turned and took two angry steps in her direction. “And by us I mean our group, who didn’t care about what Finn did to me, who accepted her only to turn on her as soon as Finn was back, who didn’t care again how I would feel with him there”

“God Clarke, Costia was just a fling: he told me! And you know he’s family and we have each other’s back.”

The blonde felt cold. In a way she expected that words, but hearing them just emptied her. “No Raven, we don’t. You didn’t care when Finn cheated on me and even after, with Lexa. And he’s maybe family to you, you surely have shown where your loyalty is”.

“I was loyal to you! When you two got together I sucked it up!”, Raven almost screamed.

“Who the f*ck cares? The point is, he cheated, he humiliated me and you didn’t care and just took him back as if nothing happened. That’s not loyalty Raven, this is you still having a crush on him!”

Raven widened her eyes, clearly hit by the words. “f*ck you Griffin”, she hissed, “I wanted to make peace with you for whatever you think it’s our fault and move on but clearly you think you’re above us now”.

Clarke bitterly chuckled. “Yes Ray, you know what? You may be my “friends” but I don’t like you very much right now.”. She closed her eyes for a moment, just before hearing the door being slammed closed.

***

Lexa opened the door of the cafeteria. She fixed her eyes on one table and took a deep breath.

She hated the place, hated the smell of food and hated the noise. She actually came to like it a small bit when she was with Clarke, only to hate it even more after Finn’s return.

Now she was there again, where it all started. The punch she threw to Finn, the public shame after Costia run to him, the first time she and Clarke bonded over what was happening and where she became part of her group. And the place where everything started to fall down.

She marched with a sure pace, eyes on the target. She was sure Clarke was going to be there: Lincoln actually texted her, letting her know that Clarke only went there to eat late, when almost everyone was already finished and once Octavia knew it she brought part of the group at that late lunch. Looking at it, small mutations had occured: she was seated on another table, with Octavia, Lincoln, Monty and some other girls she probably saw a few times.

No trace of Finn.

Go big or go home. She was really going to do it.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Lincoln flashing her a smile and mentally shook her head, the guy couldn’t be more goofy in his support. In front of him and giving her back, Clarke was quietly eating her sandwich on the furthest part of the table, looking like she would have preferred to be anywhere but there and wasn’t listening to word of what Octavia was saying.

She stopped near her, avoiding the eyes of everyone else and half sitting on the chair on her right.

“Clarke”

The blonde turned, imperceptibly widening her eyes and stopping her chewing.

“Lexa”

It was more a challenge than a greeting, but Lexa didn’t lower her eyes. Lincoln was right, she had to go out of her comfort zone and that’s what she was doing: play the same scene that caused the break up again, but hopefully with a different finale this time.

“Can I talk to you?”, the brunette lowered her voice, approaching Clarke even if she was aware that the hole table was now looking at her. A temporary guest just a few weeks ago and now more of an intruder.

Still, there she was: seated next to Clarke, who was now looking at her with a mix of amusem*nt at Lincoln’s reaction and uncertainty.

Ok, not what she was expecting but she could work with it.

Except, it was Clarke that spoke first. “You put on quite a stunt back in class”

What? She was there, trying to apologize and Clarke was mad about some argument in class? She looked at her, confused. “What? I was merely pointing out some facts”

Clarke crossed her arms, “Right, I forgot. Ever the rational one”, she rolled her eyes, patting her on the shoulder with a bit too much force, “Well thanks for the reminder”.

Lexa looked at her, incredulous. Clarke was even angrier than before, completely closed up, and she was looking at her, daring her to say something else.

“Hey, that seat’s taken”, Finn’s arrogant voice interrupted her, coming out from behind her with a group of his football friends. His half grin sickened her and she tried to turn down the need to punch him again, for old times’ sake.

God, not him again.

He tried to sound mocking and threatening at the same time, looking around to search for approval.

“No, it’s not”, before Lexa could even fully turn to look at Finn, Lincoln answered, daring Finn to contradict him.

Lexa masked a smile looking at her feet and not moving from Clarke’s side. God, Lincoln was a real overachiever when he wanted to make a point.

Clarke's eyes moved to Finn and the blonde sent daggers in his direction. Lexa felt some kind of relief: not that she needed any proof that Clarke wasn't back on good terms with him, but her stare was the proof.

“You can go back to where you came from now, Woods”. Finn went on, and his mocking tone did it to her.

She turned to look at him, for the first time now completely forgetting Clarke was on her side. “What did you just say?”

“Stop it, Finn”, Clarke intervened, feeling the way Lexa’s body tensed next to her.

He laughed and sat on the place in front of them, swinging on the chair. “You’re done Woods, in case you didn’t realize it. Tell her Clarke, you’re bored of her and her nerdy whining”

"I said stop it! It's none of your f*cking business how I..."

Clarke couldn't finish speaking, because Lexa was already on the other side of the table and in front of Finn, effectively stopping him from speaking and stopping his swinging on the two back legs of the chair.

“Now you listen to me. You do not speak to me, you do not intrude in a conversation that doesn’t need your presence and if you know what’s best for you, you’ll stop talking right now”.

Lexa hovered over him, vaguely feeling Lincoln’s presence behind her as if he was ready to intervene to stop her from whatever bad idea she was having. Like punching him, again, in front of the whole school.

“C’mon, come with me”, Clarke’s annoyed voice came from behind, effectively snapping Lexa out of her trance. A warm hand on her arm, closing around her wrist and pulling.

In a blur, Clarke dragged her out of the cafeteria, Lexa’s wrist securely between her fingers. She manhandled her till they reached her locker and only there she freed her.

“What the hell was that Lexa?”, she was furious.

So much for grand gestures and romance.

Too bad Lexa was furious too. Furious at that ass of a quarterback that had to press her buttons, furious at Clarke’s detached behavior and most of all furious at herself. She had her chance and blew it, and she felt so stupid standing there like a scorned child. She probably looked really stupid even in the cafeteria, come to think of it.

She looked away, not answering and closing her fists. She didn’t even feel like herself: she wasn’t one to go around punching people, for God’s sake. She was a perfect student, with pristine record and a life to live far away from that place. Now she felt like an idiot, standing in front of the girl she liked and unable to say anything in her defense.

“Are you crazy?”, Clarke continued screaming. “Finn's an idiot that likes to get under your skin and you were ready to fight him again over some moronic comment and ruin your chances in New York, do you realize it? And if you really think I still care about what he says you don't know me at all”

At the mere thought of New York and the fact that Clarke’s mind immediately went there, Lexa focused. Of all the things Clarke could say, being worried for Lexa’s future in case of another fight was the last thing she expected. She was worried about her and her future, still. And Finn...Why the hell did he have to always be there to bring out the worst in her?

Lexa took a deep breath and looked at her. “I’m sorry”, were the only words she could say.

With that Clarke stopped, just to frown. “I...I don’t see him, like ever if I can avoid it. It’s not like we're still one big merry group or anything”, she said.

“You don’t need to justify anything to me…”, Lexa started to say, only to be stopped by an incredulous and scorned expression on Clarke’s face.

“Right, right...because we’re not anything, as you reminded me. And you have every right not to give a damn about what I do”

Lexa rolled her eyes, torturing her hands. “God, I’m so bad at this. I just wonder how you do it”.

“Do what exactly?”, Clarke was now lost.

“You have the innate ability to misinterpret everything I do or say, and I’m still trying to figure out how you do it”, Lexa raised her voice. She never did, but this time she just felt overwhelmed.

Clarke widened her eyes, “Excuse me? You were the one marching like a commander into the cafeteria, just after you tried to feed me your bullsh*t about relationships again in class, using some ridiculous book as a metaphor! How exactly am I the one who has a problem?”

“I answered to your texts this morning and I thought...I tried to talk to you in class and when you left so fast I wanted to show you I could act on my feelings and not like a self-righteous brat as you kindly called me in class”. It was Lexa’s time to justify her actions.

“Oh yeah, that text! What was that? Was it you flirting or you trying to be friends? Because it’s getting really hard to understand it Lexa”

Here they were again, fighting. Except, the fury in her blue eyes actually inebriated Lexa, who just felt the need to suddenly laugh. God, Clarke was beautiful when she was angry and it was so endearing to see her like this again.

Last time, they ended up on the other side of town, doing graffiti and Lexa tried to mask a smirk. The blonde was not going to appreciate her smiling at her outburst.

Of course, Clarke saw it. “Wait...are you laughing?”, she indignantly asked.

“Yes Clarke”, she couldn't prevent it, “I’m laughing and that text this morning was my way of flirting. And on Friday I came searching for you not out of some obligation but because I care so much about you I didn’t even ask myself if it was still my place to act. Today, in class, I just wanted to point out that even if she messed up a bit, Elizabeth actually ended up with mr Darcy, but the bell rang before I could say it. And finally, in the cafeteria, I wanted to show you I could change my mind, that I could be the person that trusts you and comes to you, even if I knew it could end in a rejection. Of course, Finn ruined it before I even began speaking”.

After her speech, Lexa looked at her curiously, patiently waiting for a reaction.

“You...you can’t”, Clarke just looked at her, the anger was gone but it was replaced with confusion. The brunette couldn’t even respond, before she went on: “You can’t just pull all of this out like it’s nothing, you ass!”

It was Lexa’s turn to be confused. Why she was being insulted right now?

“People apologize in all sort of ways Lexa, like a card, a text or I don’t know even a flower! They do not send confusing signals and then almost put up fights in public places just to say things like that only a minute after…” While she was speaking, Lexa just turned to open her locker. Clarke’s expression turned from one of annoyance to one of horror and pointed a finger at her. “Oh no, no what are you doing?”

A single red tulip was in front of her, Lexa’s green eyes shining and open.

Trembling fingers moved to take the stem, brushing with hers.

“It’s not a rose, because that would have been so cliché”, the brunette tried to joke, with a tentative voice.

Clarke just brought the flower near and smelled it, closing her eyes.

“Hey…”, Lexa’s fingers caressed her arm lightly, just to get her attention. The brunette tilted her head on one side, searching for her eyes.

“You can’t do things like this Lex”, she whispered, “Because it’s so sweet it almost sickens me and I still want to punch that pretty face of yours for acting like you did, but now I just feel like hugging you and I know it’s a bad idea”.

Without saying anything, Lexa just took her hand and pulled Clarke to her, enveloping her in her arms. The blonde circled her neck careful not to break the flower and Lexa just held her, tightening her hold.

Her perfume, how much she missed it. Lexa’s nose was buried in the crook of Clarke’s shoulder and it lightly stroked her neck. Being there just brought everything back: the last few months together, the easiness of being in each others company, the beauty of kissing, laughing and even fighting. So she stayed like that, drawing small circles with her fingers on Clarke’s back and savouring her warmth.

The fingers of Clarke’s free hand were buried in her hair, massaging her scalp. Lexa’s strong hold on her was so familiar and yet it felt like a lifetime since the last time they were so near to each other.

She felt Lexa’s lips on her neck, barely there but warm and soft. Clarke longed to feel them again, just a small peck to remind her how it felt, but being in her arms was already an almost liberating sensation. God, it was like the burden of those days apart was lifted all of a sudden.

Slowly, they disentangled from each other but remained near, foreheads almost touching and Lexa’s hands still on her hips, proving she didn’t want to let her go.

“Well played, Woods”, Clarke whispered. In that exact moment, she didn’t have the strength to put up with all the things they had to talk about, but just wanted enjoyed the sensation of proximity.

“I know a flower doesn’t solve this mess, but I was told it buys a tiny bit of forgiveness”, she lightly smiled, “I missed you so much”.

Clarke’s heart lost a beat. It was the first time Lexa actually said it: missing someone, needing someone. The blonde felt dazed, like in a bubble ready to explode. She circled Lexa’s neck again, only to feel her hands tighten on her back.

“Since when Lexa Woods feels the need of someone else?”, she joked, smiling at her as their faces were so near.

“Since I realized how much better everything feels”. Clarke’s lips were only inches from hers and she felt the urge to close the distance. And the bell rang in that exact moment, making both of them go rigid.

Clarke smiled, lowering her eyes. She disentangled her arms from Lexa’s body and started to rummage through her bag.

“Here”, Lexa looked at the piece of paper in the blonde’s hand. “It's an invitation to the exposition on friday”, she simply said.

She took it, brushing her fingers. “Clarke, I know we have to talk abo…”, but the blonde stopped her, shaking her head.

“Just...just come on friday. Fresh start”.

A hint of hope.

Lexa, for the first time since the beginning of their story, felt they finally were on the same page. “I wouldn’t miss it”.

A brush of lips on her own stopped her from going on. A light peck, but enough to electrify Lexa. She tried to close her arms again on Clarke’s waist to prolong the kiss, slightly changing the angle to gain more access, but was stopped by a hand that cupped her cheek.

“Thanks for the tulip”.

And with that she left.

Chapter 16: It's Friday, I'm in love pt.1

Chapter Text

No matter how much Clarke tried to postpone it, it was time, long past time, especially considering the exhibition was less than 48 hours away. Even if it didn’t come out the way she wanted it to, she’s glad she did it.

It happened one evening, on a rare night when her mother was actually home and not at work as usual, so it was during a nice family dinner when it just came out.

“I have an exhibition on Friday”. Clarke said it casually, but her voice did trembled as she waited for Abby to erupt and react badly to the news. Still, it felt like relief: it was out in the open now and no matter what Abby said, she couldn’t stop her painting from being displayed. It was just a matter of acknowledging it from her family.

Abby’s eyes raised from looking at her plate and dilated, as if she was finally connecting the dots. It was a wonder she didn’t figure it out sooner, actually, with that big canvas disappearing all of a sudden.

“What exposition darling?”, her father was the first to speak, surprised but not pissed. He was always the easy one and Clarke felt a bit bad realizing she cut him out of it too, without giving him the benefit of the doubt. Still, talking about her art was never easy, less of all with her parents and even if her dad was never against it, it still felt like his support would just have fuelled Abby’s contempt.

Clarke finished a bite of pizza. “A painting of mine was chosen to be displayed in the local art gallery downtown”.

Abby let her fork fall. “And when did this happen?”, her tone was stern.

“I don’t know mum, probably between one of our fights about me wasting my time”.

Clarke looked at her and immediately regretted her snap. Ok, ending up with another fight was not the reason she was telling them. It was to share it, for God’s sake. She closed her eyes and took a big breath, then raised her hands in a peace sign.

“Look, mum I don’t want to fight over it ok? I told you because I think you deserved to know and because I feel like this is a success for me, I mean...it has to count for something, right? My work was chosen among others and they liked my style and…”, Clarke felt a hand gently stroking her arm.

Her father looked at her mother, then at her. “We are proud of you Clarke”, he smiled at her, automatically lifting the weight she felt on her stomach.

“It’s nothing big and it’s just one paint but…”, she babbled. Ok, she was not ready at all to listen to her dad saying something about being proud. Sure, they told her before, but never about art.

“Is it the big canvas that was in your room?”, her mother’s voice interrupted her. Well, she didn’t contradict Jake, small steps.

Clarke thought back to that afternoon a few weeks ago, She couldn’t prevent a small smile from spreading imperceptibly from her lips as she remembered the fuss Lexa made transporting the painting down the stairs

“Yes mum, the one you told me to put in the basem*nt.”

And, incredibly, Abby let out a small laugh. “I knew you couldn’t have listened to me that easily.”

“Look at the bright side: it’s not occupying your precious laundry space”, Clarke couldn’t contain herself. Provoking her was unnecessary now that everything was already settled, but she was never good at refraining her tongue.

“When is the exhibition? Me and your mom would like to be there”. Jake’s voice prevented the conversation to escalate, even if there was something different in Abby’s tone, as if it was a genuine playful remark.

“Friday night, but if you can’t come it really is ok. I just wanted you to know it”. Clarke tentatively added. And it was the truth: just saying it out loud was a step big enough after all the fights with her mother. Part of her actually understood where Abby was coming from: fear of something so far from her idea of a solid future and fear for a daughter she didn’t fully understand.

Her mother looked at her, finally, and Clarke met her eyes. For the first time since she remembered, she finally saw something different from irritation in her mother’s stare. She wasn’t sure, but it resembled proudness. She knew Abby could appreciate at least the effort, if not the stubbornness.

“It’s a big step, we’ll be there”, she whispered. And it was all it took to make Clarke smile like she never did with her since she didn’t remember when.

***

Clarke was in her room, completely spent after the conversation with her parents. She felt light, though. Finally, she had been able to overcome one of her biggest fears: talking about her art, acknowledging it was worth something and doing it with her mum.

She lied in the dark, just the light coming from outside the window to line the shapes of furniture, books and her tripod. Then, on her nightstand, a glass with a tulip. It lost a few petals, considering it was there for more than 24 hours but it still made her feel an unusual tenderness.

Lexa.

She covered her eyes with a hand, just reliving the moment in which the brunette gave her the flower. God, she had a f*cking flower in her locker and it was the cheesiest move ever, but it was enough to make her melt.

Like, literally. Seeing one of the most serious girls she knew with a damn tulip in her hand because she remembered that roses where too clichè did it for her.

And she knew, rationally, that they had tons of things to sort out and another ton of emotions to finally call by their name but at the same time the only thing she could think of was that delicate tulip she put in a glass of water as soon as she got home. A tulip she already draw in a few sketches.

Ok, she was in deep.

And the thing was: now that she was alone in her room, with her heart beating like crazy because her parents knew of the exposition and wanted to come, the first person she thought of telling was Lexa. Not Octavia, not Raven with whom she had still to talk again, after the confrontation about Finn.

Once again, she surprised herself by how much the brunette was part of everything she did. Would it have been so wrong to call her? They were out of the dark tunnel of not speaking, they were also out of the path of not being anything to each other. Sort of. At least she thought so.

And Clarke still had the flower as a tangible proof that something happened and that she didn’t just dream their making up. Or what was supposed to be their making up. God, they definitely needed to talk.

Still, she gave Lexa the ticket for the exposition so the brunette too had something tangible to confirm they moved from the non-speaking policy and were now tentatively entering the new world of being something.

So f*ck it.

She grabbed her phone and searched for Lexa’s number. Scrolling down the screen she could see it was a long time since their last call: sure, they preferred texting but still, they actually had a few conversations and she still could remember how Lexa’s voice lulled her after one of the ugliest confrontations with Finn.

Finally, she pressed the calling button. Because Lexa deserved it, in a sense. She was the one believing in her, the one that dragged her out of her shell, literally. And now she was happy and that happiness was also thanks to her.

The phone rang. Once, twice, three times. On the forth, a voice out of breath answered.

“Clarke?”

Her heart skipped a beat, just like that. She almost forgot the effect of Lexa’s voice, considering the last time they spoke without screaming at each other was at least a few days ago.

Lexa sounded uncertain and a bit scared, like she was worried something happened. Clarke couldn’t suppress a small laugh. A natural, whole hearted laugh, like it so frequently happened at the beginning of their unusual relationship, when they were just two kids pretending to be on a freaking revenge mission, instead of two idiots too scared to admit they cared about each other.

“Hey, relax, I’m not calling to make you bail me out of jail.”

A minute of silence, in which Clarke could almost see the brunette frown. “Of course not”, Lexa answered, but there was a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

“Why is there doubt in your voice?”

“Sorry but it wouldn’t be so out of the world, considering the number of times I dragged you out potential arrest situations”, she said dubiously, but finally with a hidden laugh. It was enough to make Clarke’s stomach fumble. Lexa laughing with her, making a dumb joke with a lightness she almost forgot she had.

“True, but that’s not the reason I’m calling”, Clarke returned serious and all of a sudden she felt embarrassed, mind completely blank. Why did she call again?

Lexa felt the silence on the other side of the line.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah...so”, Clarke took a breath. Time to be a big girl. “I told my mum...about the art opening I mean”

Now it was Lexa’s time to remain silent. “How did she take it?”

Clarke could feel the concern in her voice, the subtle and silent signs of how much Lexa cared. No useless words, just a straight question, filled with worry.

She chuckled. “Incredibly well actually. She...she and my dad are going to come and I...I feel like I need to thank you for that”, she almost whispered.

“Clarke I...I didn’t really do anything other than drag that canvas out of your room”, Lexa rambled but Clarke could feel the joy in her voice. “Sill, I’m so happy for you because you don’t know how much you deserve to be recognized for who you are by your parents…”. It was the most she heard Lexa talk about her parents and her opinions on her mother’s hostility about her art.

“Lex”, she stopped her.

“Yeah?”

“Are...are you still going to be there?”, there was uncertainty in her voice. Sure, Lexa already said yes, but she needed to be reassured.

“Of course Clarke, I wouldn’t miss it for the world”, Lexa whispered. That was the confirmation she needed.

Suddenly, Clarke looked at the tulip again. She could hear the tension in her own voice. “Did you mean what you said yesterday?”

She knew it was not a conversation to have over the phone, but couldn’t prevent herself, not with her whole body so warm after relieving the moment Lexa gave her the flower and apologized, not after feeling so light again.

She could hear a chuckle on the other side of the line. “About the text message? Yes, that was me trying to flirt”

Clarke frowned: what the hell was Lexa talking about? “What? The text about the graffiti...no Lex I’m not…” Was Lexa really making fun of her? Still, the tension was broken now.

“No you ass! I’m talking about you telling me you freaking missed me!”, she screamed just to hear a crystalline laugh on the other side.

“Are you really making fun of me Woods?!”

“Yes Griffin, I’m making fun of you”, she stopped laughing “And yes, I meant what I told you: I missed you.”

Clarke tried to hide a giggle and the sudden lightness she felt. “What exactly did you miss?”

Lexa stopped for a second, like she was caught at surprise. “What...well to be honest I mostly missed spending time with you, just the small things like seeing you and smiling with you. God even arguing with you” And kissing you, hugging you. But she tried to keep it cool. It was not like she could say it out loud… “wait a sec, are you fishing for compliments?”

A clear laugh came from the other side of the phone. “Technically I’m asking you to specify a pretty generic phrase.”

“Ok, so the same goes to you, considering I recall you also admitted you missed me”, she answered without losing a beat.

A second of silence interrupted the conversation, as if the light mocking that took them back to how it was just a few weeks ago was done.

“Hey” Lexa whispered, a serious voice now.

“Hey”, Clarke answered, the same depth, the same understanding that something was finally free to spill, even if it wasn't necessary to say it out loud.

“I am really glad you called.”

“Me too. And I like when you tell me how you feel, losing your silent brooding attitude.”

“I’d like to do it more often, if it’s all right”

“It’s more than all right.”

That was enough for both of them to understand where they stood.

“Goodnight Clarke”

“‘Night Lex”

***

Lexa turned the phone down, putting it on her nightstand. She was in her room, completely dark. She run up the stairs as soon as she saw it was Clarke calling, leaving Indra and Anya still with their forks up in the air.

From the previous day, she lived like she was in a suspended time, almost like nothing ever happened: the kiss, the flower, the fight in the cafeteria with the moron. Like she dreamt of it all, as she did a lot of times during the last weeks.

She really did that: relieve all the moments she had with Clarke, dreaming of saying something different, of taking the initiative more often, or kiss her deeper or with more emotion.

But when her phone rang and she saw the name on the display, she froze. Her name, with a small winking emoji Clarke put there during one lazy afternoon in the library was looking at her, blinking from the screen.

At first, she thought of a mistake, a call started by mistake.

Then, when it continued ringing, she just flew from the table without even answering to Indra’s question. To her foster mother’s credit, she let go of the impoliteness by only seeing her face.

Now that the phone call was over, she couldn't stop her beating heart. God, she couldn't believe she seriously brought her a flower. And that it worked.

She laid there, full of joy and pride: Clarke spoke to her parents, they supported her in their own way and everything seemed like it was magically clicking into place. And Clarke, this blonde creature she would have never crossed paths with, if not for a punch in the cafeteria, was calling her to share it.

Lexa thought of her rage the other day, of the way Clarke still confronted her about losing her scholarship over a stupid fight with her idiot ex-boyfriend as if she didn’t care at all about either him or what other people thought.

She couldn’t begin to express how much she changed because of Clarke, the lightness she gained, as Anya put it. Maybe Clarke had changed a bit too, thanks to her.

So what now? She looked up at the ceiling, then at her backpack, where the ticket for the opening was securely put.

***

Clarke almost expected it, well, she silently hoped it would, but when it happened she couldn't suppress a small jump of surprise.

She drove her car into the parking lot and parked it at her usual spot.

And there she was: Lexa, quietly leaning on the opposite wall, reading some worn out paperback with her worn out leather jacket that made her look almost dangerous, under her straight A student pose.

As the car approached, she slowly raised her eyes from the pages with a small smile. An almost shy one, as if she was still internally testing the waters. As if she was asking if it was ok to be there.

It was just a fraction that Clarke could catch just because she was intently observing her, then all of Lexa’s confidence came back. “Hey stranger.”

Clarke couldn't suppress her smirk. God, Lexa was the only person she knew that could use movie lines as something real people said. Or maybe she was just too far gone to find it ridiculous.

She came out of the car, not missing Lexa’s eyes subtly scanning her. Ok, maybe she dressed up, just in case, with a flowery dress, floating around her. “Hey you.”

Lexa’s cheeks turned a bit red, seeing she wasn't as subtle as she hoped in eyeing the beautiful blonde girl. So much for taking it slow, but Clarke in a dress was not something she was able to watch without flinching.

The brunette approached her slowly, tilting her head a bit. Clarke couldn’t refrain to find it incredibly cute.

“So…” Lexa looked around, face open and green eyes so vivid. Clarke could see the small freckles on her nose and the folds of the soft worn out leather of her jacket. “...do you remember when I first came here and you asked me if you looked like the perfect girlfriend I dreamt of having?”

It was Clarke's turn to redden. She really said it, out loud, the first time Lexa waited for her in the parking lot and of course Lexa was going to use it now.

And of course she was going to fall for that.

“Yes, and I remember you looking at me like a deer in the middle of the road.”

“Well the answer is yes… it was yes even then but I was too blinded with everything else to notice”, Lexa reasoned as if it was the obvious thing to say. Only to receive a smack on her shoulder that sent her a few feet from the blonde.

“Of course it was a yes! Even with your broody commander pose I knew you couldn't resist me Woods, and let me tell you that even then you didn't do a good job at masking it”.

“I know, this is just part of my new policy of telling you what I feel every time I get the chance, even if means I’m going to be mocked and smacked.” Lexa rolled her eyes, still smiling. It felt good, really good to be there, in the parking lot, with the girl she liked. Because she liked Clarke and Clarke liked her back and it was a freeing sensation to know that it wasn't staged anymore, even if things were still complicated.

It was Clarke’s turn to entwine their fingers, “C’mon Woods, time to go and stop whining,”only to feel the resistance in Lexa’s hand. Her eyes were glued to their hands and for a second Clarke felt a wave of coldness: too much too soon?

“Tonight...after the exhibition. Can we talk?” Lexa gave her a small nod.. They knew they had to talk ,, sooner rather than later.

The day went by in a haze and Clarke couldn't even remember which classed she attended. She lost sight of Lexa almost immediately after they entered the school building because they had to go in opposite directions and they couldn't meet for lunch because she had practice. They didn't hold hands while entering, as if the small private moment at the parking lot was not meant to be shared inside, not jet at least.

It caused Clarke a full morning of thinking into her actions, trying to understand if she had been to forward, if they were supposed to wait before jumping in something right after all the mess that were the weeks before. Impatient. She was always told she was impatient and incapable of waiting for the right time. But what the f*ck was the right time?

In her need to compensate, she almost wanted to go see her, but suspected that seeing a disheveled Lexa in her track shorts wasn’t the best way to prepare to their date, especially considering she was going to be more than nervous before the exhibition.

So she went home, knowing that Lexa had to work at the cafe before meeting her at the art gallery.

A few long hours to go, before attending the first real tangible proof that her art was worth of something.

A few long hours to go, before finally deciding what was going to be of her relationship with a girl who was so different from everybody else, so peculiar in her thinking and so irritating sometimes, but so sweet the moment after.

The girl and the art exhibition in the same night...what the hell was she thinking?

A sound coming from her phone distracted her.

Lexa: Don’t stress and stop thinking. It’s going to be great.

God, she was good.

***

Lexa was seated on a lonely table after finishing her shift, stirring nervously a cup of tea and looking into it as if it could advise her on something. Her hazelnut hair fell messily on her shoulders and once again she thought of what to wear for the opening.

Because that was it: the real thing, what she wanted from like the third time she heard Clarke’s laugh and probably after the first kiss in her room.

And she was a f*cking mess. Her parents were going to be there, the hideous artsy blonde from the gallery was going to be there and she was supposed to act like the perfectly composed person she intimately knew she was not.

Of course, she could sustain an art conversation if needed, but she suspected that those bunch of hipsters were more into something else. What if Clarke was going to be fascinated by it and finally realized she was better as math tutor than as a girlfriend?

“Lexa.”

Oh no, no no not now.

She turned and Costia was there, neat face and sad eyes scrutinizing her. “I hoped you didn’t change your shifts”, she told her.

“Costia, why are you here?”, Lexa almost pleaded. After everything, she didn’t really look forward to another conversation with her ex and most of all that was the worst timing ever. She had to be at the art gallery in less than two hours.

“I...I kind of wish to talk to you. I mean, after what happened, me and Finn, you and Clarke and everything blowing up. I think we need some kind of closure, don’t you?” Costia’s voice sounded almost hopeful. But hopeful for what?

“I’m sorry but this isn’t the right time to talk for me, and frankly I don’t think we need to discuss anything anymore…” she tried, only to be stopped.

“Why?” Costia’s tone became frustrated, “You’re not doing anything other than stargazing in your tea”.

Lexa turned. “Ok, tell me. What is there possible more to say about us? We’ve been over for more than a few months and…”

“That’s the point! I think we can go back to that moment before I screwed everything up. I mean, we had plans, projects together, don’t you want to go back in track?”.

There it was. Oh God, there couldn’t possibly be a worse time to have this conversation and still, there she was, cursing herself for not accepting Luna’s offer to switch shifts. Because of course, of all the times this could have happen, Costia had to choose Clarke’s night to try this.

“Costia, let me spell it. We had something and it was important, but it’s not there anymore and not because of what you did”, she gained an eyeroll, “Well partially it’s because of what you did but still. It’s not what I want anymore”.

She tried to let her down gently, still thinking that to some extent she owed her something.

“Lex, what I’m saying is that I still want New York, I still want you and me and all the dreams we had! They’re still there baby, they didn’t fade just because we had some time apart. I mean: look how good it did to us: now you’re happier and I’m better too because I’m sure of us and…”, she tried to grab Lexa’s face, but the brunette took her hands in hers before she could.

“Ok, you need to slow down Cos and understand what I’m saying: nothing is going to happen between us anymore”, she looked at her completely astonished. She couldn’t believe the girl was there, making grand gestures and talking about something she felt like belonged to a different life. A different life in which she would have only dreamt of having the girl she was in love with professing her love for her and admitting she was wrong. God, just a few months ago she would have given up everything if it meant having Costia and their New York dream back.

Now, she only had two blue eyes in mind and wanted nothing else than be out of that f*cking cafè to go to an art gallery for hipsters and be uncomfortable looking at things she wasn’t going to understand, just to be near her.

And she felt it again: the butterflies she felt only by being with Clarke and the joy of sharing something with her, just because she liked to see her laugh.

Suddenly, Costia freed her hands and looked at her with a betrayed stare. “Wait, are you back with her?”

Was she? Good question indeed.

“Are you sure she’s going to take you back?”, now Costia’s voice was raw and hard. “She’s dumb, but not dumb enough to think you’re really it for her. I mean c’mon, she’s a goddamn cheerleader, I get that it could be fun for a while to dig into that but I know you Lexa and it’s not for you”

It was almost comical to listen to what her ex-girlfriend had to say and finally realize she was completely over her. There was a time when her opinion was one of her unmovable pillars, now it just felt so wrong and so ridiculous at the same time.

“Because girls like me don’t end up with girls like her?”, she almost paraphrased what Costia told Clarke in school bathroom. She knew she was provoking her, but couldn’t prevent it.

Costia rolled her eyes, annoyed. “It’s not what I meant and you know it, even if back then you wanted to play the knight in the shining armor stunt.”

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. A text, then the repeated vibration of an alarm: the one she set to fixate the time she should be out of her place, already dressed to go to the gallery. She looked at the staff door, where were hanging her skinny jeans and green blouse she bought for the occasion after blushing at the saleswoman’s compliments. God, she just hoped Luna was ready to leave the coffee machine to help her with her make up and be kind enough to let she get away with it without laughing at her.

f*ck.

She stood up and grabbed her bag. “The thing is, girls like me fall exactly for girls like Clarke and that’s exactly what happened”.

Because Clarke completed her, she challenged her and she took the absolute best of her. But that wasn’t something meant to be said to Costia.

***

Where the f*ck was Lexa?

Clarke waited for her outside the gallery until last minute. Artists were supposed to be inside, next to their creation, at the moment of the opening. Still, she hoped Lexa was going to be there a few minutes earlier.

Ok, they didn’t actually decide to meet outside, but some part of her thought that Lexa was actually going to show up a bit earlier.

She took a big breath, shivering a bit in her white sleeveless dress. It was nothing fancy, really. She actually pondered on it for more than a few nights and in the end decided it was completely useless to show up in a supposedly indie art gallery looking like she was going on her first job interview. So she stayed simple: her favorite white dress that at least made her appear less broody than her painting, which she was still completely astonished to find hanging there, heels and blonde hair down.

The chilly wind from the coming autumn made her shiver and she looked up at the sky that was quickly darkening.

Ok, Lexa was not there and she really needed to go inside, where she already spotted Nylah and her charming attitude completely absorbing the attention of the other male artists.

She had to finally go inside and she was terrified. Well, completely and utterly incapable of formulating words was more appropriate. Holding a brush, mixing colors and even using spray cans on walls in the night: that she could do. She was not completely convinced she could talk about it if people ask, or worse try to sell her art by explaining it to complete strangers.

If I can go to law school, you can do this exposition. Or something like that: wasn’t it what Lexa said to her a few weeks ago, in all her Commander mode? She actually called her a coward too. And after that she promised to buy her painting if no-one was going to and then help her do graffiti the gallery door.

God, how she needed that right now that her stomach was a knot, her feet arched and she felt like a complete fraud. She needed Lexa there and she knew she had no right to demand it but still she hoped.

Ok.

She tried to calm herself, one big breath at a time. Everything was going to be all right and she could still just stick next to the wine table the whole night. It was a solid plan.

Nylah mimicked a few signs in her direction and Clarke made her way through the threshold. Only to be grabbed by a hand that made her turn. “Hey, entering before a good luck hug?”

Lexa panted, regaining breath and smiling at her in her almost not even there way and opened her arms.

And oh, Clarke was so angry at her she almost wanted to cry, but at the same time so relieved to see her she only wanted to hold her tighter. So she circled her neck with her arms, taking in Lexa’s unique scent.

“I want to strangle you, I hope you know that”, she whispered in her ear, before reluctantly disentangling herself and again wondering for how long she would continue to be surprised at how gorgeous Lexa looked.

“I know, I’m sorry but I had to ditch something completely unexpected.” Lexa chuckled. She knew Clarke wasn’t going to be satisfied by that, but Costia was the last thing she wanted to worry about right now. Especially with that skinny blonde hipster making faces at Clarke from inside the art gallery. She lightly tightened her hold on Clarke’s waist.

“Lexa, focus: do I want to know now?”

By taking a better look and forcing herself not to notice how beautiful she was, Lexa could see how frantic Clarke actually was. “No, it’s really not important right now.”

“Ok, so I’m going inside, you’ll stop staring at the girl who chose my painting to be exposed and I’m solely going to be focused on not throwing up on my white dress, ok?”, Clarke said, actually not letting go of Lexa’s arms and tightening her grip.

“Mmh”, Lexa conceded, caressing her hips before letting go. “Now go inside, look fabolous and be your charming self with these hippies until I come to your side and wow you with my clever conversation”, Lexa grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. “Good luck”, she whispered.

Clarke’s eyes shone with playful malice. “You think I look fabulous?”

“If you’re focusing on that part, it means that you’re all right and just fishing for easy compliments”, Lexa laughed, finally relaxed. “But yes, you look stunning.”

“You too”, the blonde smiled before entering the gallery.

Clarke took in for the first time the amount of other artworks on the walls, with their shine of colour pervading her senses. There were canvases bigger than hers, installations and smaller paintings: not many and some of them from the same artists. In a few works she recognised the trait of some of them, people she actually knew from visiting bigger expositions.

Now she was there, part of it, and it absolutely terrified her but, at the same time, it gave her a rush of adrenaline that made her feel more alive than ever: that was a success, and it was hers. She earned it and it warmed her to know The first person that really believed in her from the start, who never underestimated her worth even when even her doubted it, was there, sharing that moment of passage.

***

Lexa didn't know where to keep her hands. She moved slowly through the paintings, trying to get what exactly was she seeing without looking as a complete neophyte.

Art was not exactly her forte, sure she could tell is something was worth a second look and even get the sparkle in some of the pieces exposed, but she was the absolute worst at trying to explain her point of view. Maybe her point of view wasn't beyond her simple like or not like.

The glass in her hand was still half full and her eyes continued moving through canvases and artists. Some of them had a group of people surrounding them and were giving speeches on their influences and technical path followed to create. Others were just there, looking almost bored by the questions. Others smiled around, discreetly giving their cards to people who seemed richer or just a bit interested. The younger ones just stood there, looking more embarrassed than anything.

She asked herself under which category Clarke fell and a small smile appeared in her lips. The blonde surely wasn't shy, but at the same time not so keen on speaking about her art process or babble about influences.

Lexa had immediately seen where she was in the big room: on a corner, between other two older artists but not in a bad spot, all things considered. Of the dozen artists exposing that day, she was probably the younger and it looked completely different from them but at the same time so perfectly fitting, with her white dress and perfect composure. And her painting was glorious on the wall: a perfect sum of her love for colors as she used them in her graffiti and her sensibility for shapes.

She found a discreet spot a bit far away but from where she could still see Clarke. She was there, seeming perfectly at ease with the pair of people who were mingling with her. Still, she could see her hand imperceptibly clenching and the tension in her spine and secretly enjoyed the feeling of being able to see through her poses, the one she learned to master with years of cheerleading.

Her parents were there too, Lexa saw them entering the art gallery and smiled at Abby’s perplexed face and the proudness in Jake’s eyes even if it was clear they felt a bit out of place in a context so different from the one they usually attended.

She had also greeted them briefly. Just a small chat and the feeling of her blood running cold under Abby’s stare. Still, she tried to sound at ease, politely congratulated them on Clarke’s success and ditched Abby’s not so hidden remarks about how Clarke was surely helped in her plan of taking the canvas out of her room. All things considered, she could say it was a moderate success, even if her heart was beating like a drum when they went away in search of Clarke.

Lexa followed them with her eyes as they reached for their daughter and Jake hugged Clarke, whispering something in her ear. Abby just caressed her elbow, but by the way she critically observed the canvas it was clear she was impressed with her daughter’s work. Clarke's cheeks became pink and Lexa couldn't avoid to find it impossibly cute, taking in how the blonde looked at her feet while listening to the joyful talking of Jake and the small murmurs of Abby.

It was so beautiful to see Clarke like that, with her parents, while she enjoyed a success: a small one of course, but that was a small step in the right direction of believing in herself.

Lexa discretely turned around, feeling like she was intruding a little private moment of the Griffin family. She had time to speak with Clarke and to share with her the moment, but now it was just for her and her family.

Sipping her drink, the brunette moved to one of the paintings that mostly caught her eyes. It was a vivid portrait of an old lady, painted in a more realistic style than Clarke's but she could perfectly make out the artist’s skill.

“See something you like?”

A warm voice made her turn. A girl a good few years older than her was intently looking at her with curious eyes, draped with a dark scarf and with heavy black makeup on her eyes.

“Are you the artist?”, she politely asked, not wanting to say something inappropriate about the painting.

“Mmmmh”, she moved near her, touching her arm with her elbow. She pointed at the painting with her eyes, “what do you see in it?”

Lexa took a breath, unsure of how to answer to a question that meant so little to her logic brain and overwhelmed by the presence of the artist, that was a bit too much in her personal space.

The brunette tried to go with the didascaly answer. “Well...an old woman sitting on a chair? I’m sorry, I’m not much of an art expert”, she tried to excuse herself.

“No no...I love when pure souls like yours pour their energy into connecting with my work. Please tell me more…”

“Mmh...Lexa?”

“Lexa, what a suggestive name for a beautiful nymph”

How the hell did she end up having this conversation?

***

Clarke was completely lost in a conversation about the pros and cons of the use of acrylic. Her parents had left a while ago after a small tour of the gallery, not wanting to prevent people from speaking to her. “It’s your big night Clarke, you should spend it looking for contacts”. Leave it to her mother to be always focused to the point, it didn’t matter if it was for medicine or art.

So there she was, talking to complete strangers and oddly having something to say to contribute to the conversation. Behind their back, Nylah gave her a subtle thumb up. Ok, maybe she wasn’t that bad at mingling but still: it was excruciatingly tiring.

She felt stiff, even if the sensation of being completely out of place had turned down a bit.

Clarke loved art, loved making it but hated explaining it. During the night, a few people came asking what her painting meant and God, she really wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear completely: if they weren’t seeing anything, it meant it didn’t mean anything to them and that was her point of view. Of course, she couldn’t just ramble about the subjectivity of art in front of people who were actually interested in understanding her personal process.

So she spent long minutes trying to explain, show and deconstruct her art.

After that, another pair came. And then another. And now, acrylics.

She smoothed her white dress, even if it was still perfectly fitting. Sure, she knew how to impress if she wanted to, but now the only good thought in her head was to finally stop talking.

Her conversation was basically flowing in autopilot: how the green was harder to mix because of the consistency of that particular brand of acrylic and...and then she got stuck, while her eyes were discretely roaming around the room instead of on her speaker’s face.

A cascade of chestnut hair, down on a shaped back, fingers elegantly clasping a glass and Clarke gulped on a perfect round butt she knew all too better.

In front of Lexa, whom she couldn’t grasp all night a part from a few low key handwaves from afar, stood an older girl, too close for her liking and also for Lexa’s if her serious expression was of any indication.

“It was lovely talking to you”, she put as much charm as she could in her tired state in a smile and lightly touched the forearm of the first guest who was still speaking, excusing herself from a conversation that could have gone on for another hour.

God, her feet hurt from standing for all that time.

She came behind Lexa, rolling her eyes at the bullsh*t that girl was feeding her with so much enthusiasm it was almost funny. The shadows, the colors, how hard it was to work on a multidimensional surface instead of doing sculptures…A glimpse of the resigned expression on Lexa’s face was enough to know she was just waiting for something that could free her from the conversation.

“Here you are”, she whispered to her ear loosely circling her waist, and from the relieved sigh she knew she did the right thing.

Lexa turned a bit in her arms and smiled at her. A full smile, with shining eyes and everything in its right place.

“Hey Clarke, I was talking with…”, she politely indicated the woman that had stopped talking and looked pissed.

“Tamara”

“...and she was explaining to me the techniques of...the brushes...of how she did her painting”

Clarke tightened her hold a bit, trying not to smile too much at the hard time Lexa was having explaining what the woman was talking about.

“Nice, but I was wondering if you’d like to have a small tour with me before leaving”

Lexa was now completely turned in her direction and only smiled, waving to Tamara that was now in search of her next pray.

As soon as they were far enough Lexa exhaled a tired sigh. “A thank you is not enough for this saving. If I had to listen the word policromy another time I was going to throw up”

Clarke couldn’t contain her laugh. “Was she trying to get in your pants by using fancy words, Miss Woods?”

She scrunched her nose, pretending to consider it. “I don’t know, is it a move you artists pull often?”

The blonde rolled her eyes, touching her arm and taking her in front of the painting she liked the most.

“Come, I want to do a small tour with my date”

Lexa’s stomach began fluttering. All of a sudden bearing that conversation and patiently waiting for Clarke was completely worth it.

“Don’t tell the girl who did that big ass canvas”, Clarke whispered, pointing at her own work, “But this one is my favorite”, said looking at one small canvas people almost didn’t see by passing by.

And just like that, Clarke started explaining why she loved it, the different ways perspective worked and how she’d like to learn how to use colors that way. And she did the same thing with the next work, always staying a feet behind Lexa, gently pointing at her the various things she found interesting and asking her if she liked it.

Bit by bit, their touches became more bolder. Clarke’s hand was securely around Lexa’s waist and almost resting inside the back pocket of her tight jeans and if her fingers weren’t there, they were holding hands.

Then there were the small touches: the way Clarke touched her arm to point at her something she found funny, Lexa’s lips almost brushing against the blonde’s ear to whisper something to her.

Neither of them realized their laughing becoming flirting, nor the fact that the art gallery was slowly emptying itself.

“Hey, do you...do you maybe want to get out of here?”, Lexa brushed away a few rebel locks and fixed her green eyes on Clarke with a small smile and a challenging look.

“Oh...is this pre-law wannabe finally tired of us artistry hippies?”

Lexa took a small look around, “Of them, yes. But one actually grew on me”

“Careful Lex, if you keep admitting feelings I’d start thinking you actually like me”

Instead of answering, Lexa took Clarke’s hand and once again during the night she considered how liberating it felt to do it without the pretense it was fake. She liked to touch her, found the feel of the blonde’s hand on her back almost too endearing and felt goosebumps on her neck every time she caught Clarke’s eyes on her.

Clarke followed her without arguing where Lexa was leading her, a little too meekly. She exchanged goodbyes with Nylah, who just smirked at her before going back to the remaining guests.

All of a sudden the whole tension of the evening faded, leaving her a mess of tiredness and adrenaline. She wanted to scream and to just lay on Lexa’s shoulder and sleep at the same time.

“Hey!” a voice calling them made them turn. Tamara?

The woman reached them and sent an oblique stare at their joined hands. Lexa widened her eyes. “Are you...leaving?”, she asked directly, looking at the brunette.

And that’s when the adrenaline kicked in. Clarke could feel it in her veins and before Lexa could respond she was already speaking.

It had already been as tiring as humanly possible and she wasn’t going to have to deal with this goth ogling her girl…her date.

“Yes, we are leaving”, she underlined the plural and smiled her most fake smirk learned from cheerleading.

“Oh…well, Lexa”, she punctuated the name, still only referring to her, “in case you change your mind…”

Tamara was looking for her card and Lexa was almost laughing at Clarke’s expression. She was tempted to let her find the card, just for the sake of seeing the cheerleader jealous but decided to put everyone out of that awkwardness.

“Thanks, but I don’t think I will. Have a good night Tamara”.

Clarke let herself be dragged away and decided to ignore the smirk on Lexa’s face. Since when she was the jealous one?

“So…”, Lexa looked at her from under the eyelashes with a mocking smirk.

“What?”, Clarke growled

“Jealousy really doesn’t suit you Griffin”.

The brunette’s sweet laugh, with a lightness that Clarke had thought she would never experience again from Lexa.

Probably it was that little giggle that did it for her.

Or maybe it was the word “jealousy”, which was exactly the sensation she was feeling even if Clarke Griffin was not a jealous person, other people were jealous of her. Still, Lexa was a first even in that field: she hated the way that girl was looking at her and just wanted to tell her to back the f*ck off of her girlfriend. And the ironic thing was: when their relationship was fake she had done it without thinking.

As soon as they reached her car she pushed Lexa’s shoulders against the door and interlaced her hands on the back of her neck, just sparing a glance of the low cut of her blouse. Ok, that definitely gave her the last push.

“I’ll show you jealousy”, Clarke whispered to her before attacking her lips.

The hint of doubt that passed through her mind about being too bold disappeared as she felt Lexa automatically responding to the kiss. Not in a innocent way.

Clarke felt like she was finally freeing herself of a burden she had on her shoulders for too long. She was completely head over heels for this girl and she just wanted to kiss her and do utterly bad things to her as soon as she could.

Yes, they had to talk about all the things that went wrong from the beginning, how used she felt as Lexa decided to end things, how she still couldn’t understand why she could have been so cold.

And yes, kissing on her car was not the brightest idea. But Clarke was so tired of walking on eggs, completely drained by the night and she missed Lexa terribly during these weeks. She missed her voice lightly mocking her, her frown when she was concentrated on something and even her hangry expression when they didn’t agree on something.

But most of all she missed her arms holding her and now that she was there she had no intention to stop.

Lexa’s hands were roaming from her face to her neck, holding her as close as possible. Clarke’s strong grip didn’t let go of her shoulders, as she changed angles of the kiss, deepening it.

They separated for a split second, enough for Lexa to go down on her neck and leave a line of wet kisses on Clarke’s pulsing point. She inhaled the sweet scent of her blonde hair, pushing them back in order to free more skin.

Clarke moaned, caressing Lexa’s cheek and pushing her closer.

Lexa felt like she was going to combust. Her brain was completely unable to focus on something that wasn’t Clarke’s breasts pressing against her and her hot breath on her ear as she kissed her neck.

It felt like that one time they kissed in that empty class just to prove something but it was so much more intense this time. Neither of them had anything to hide about their feelings anymore and were now focused solely on pleasure.

She felt the press of the cold metal of the car on her back and with a swift motion she grabbed Clarke behind her knees and turned so the blonde was now sitting on the car hood. She immediately opened her legs to make her space and Lexa just found her way back in her arms, kissing her again and enjoying the feel of Clarke’s lips and tongue in her mouth. She put her hands on Clarke’s thighs, slowly caressing the fresh skin and smoothing the sides of the dress, until she felt the blonde’s fingers sneaking under her shirt and stroke her hips, her stomach and venturing to the sides of her bra.

It made Lexa completely forget where she was and she pressed her hips even closer to Clarke’s, languidly stroking her thighs and venturing under the hem of the dress just to hear the blonde’s moan in her mouth.

Two could play that game.

The darkness was illuminated by a flash of headlights and the magic was broken. Lexa didn’t let go, just shielded with her arms Clarke’s naked back from the offending light. She dropped her chin to her shoulder and felt Clarke’s lips turning up into a smile on her neck as the car passed them without acknowledging their presence.

As if coming back from a dream, they found themselves in the middle of a dark parking lot.

Lexa exhaled a deep breath and cleared her throat, a shade of pink colouring her cheeks. Still, her thumb continued pressing circles into Clarke’s back, just over her tailbone. The blonde arched her back under her ministrations, still with a satisfied smirk and her arms looping Lexa’s neck.

How exactly had she been able to refrain herself for the long months of their fake relationship?

“Maybe...mmh… should we, should we maybe talk before…?”, Lexa whispered, mesmerised by Clarke’s delicate fingers stroking her scalp.

“Mmh”, Clarke non committedly mumbled. She catches her jaw in her hand and pulled her as close as she could. Their noses were almost touching and she saw Lexa’s tongue wet her lips.

It was Lexa’s turn to close the distance, squeezing her hips gently. The kiss was slower this time but sure, lips against lips, the tiniest hint of a smile and a tentative flick of tongue.

Chapter 17: It's Friday, I'm in love pt.2

Chapter Text

The weekend passed in a haze of deep conversation and complicated statements about them, their relationship and how exactly they were supposed to go on now. The only inevitable conclusion was that, in spite of how it all began, they were now more than ready to give it a real shot.

Of course, as everything else in their relationship, it was not as simple as that.

Clarke was not going to lie to herself: at times it had been tiring and even infuriating.
Lexa being Lexa was oh so stubborn about admitting that yes, her timing in calling quits was sh*t, but at the same time she still stood by it. "It did us good Clarke, can't you see it now?"

She wanted to kick her then, even if she looked criminally beautiful with her uptight exterior, sitting so stiff on a bench in the park exactly halfway between their houses. A neutral site, where they couldn't indulge too much in kissing and doing too private things for a public place.

So they talked and talked, and Lexa still resented her a bit for that damn scene at the cafeteria and Clarke blamed her for seeing things in only black and white. It all went to hell when she started talking about shades of grey and Lexa rationalised all of it by calling it "the ups and downs of every relationship".

They screamed at each other like they never did before, pouring out everything that was still buried under the obvious and immediate joy of finally being upfront with each other without any lie or pretence.

Finally, after Clarke being almost in tears and Lexa with a stoic frown that made her look more serious than ever, the screaming had stopped.

"You hurt me", Clarke bluntly said, after the last recrimination.

"I know, you hurt me too. Still, I want you. It’s all down to that"

Leave it to Lexa to cut all the complexities.

Her green eyes were pointed at her, almost challenging. She lifted her hand up in her direction, palm open.

Clarke took a big breath and slapped her palm with anger, but in the end, she grabbed her long fingers, interlacing their hands in a tight grip.

"It is not about the perfect romance Clarke. It's about us and if we we're good for each other, and I think we are", Lexa quietly said.

"I can't promise you won't feel threatened again and I can't promise I won't be my crazy self-centred self."

" I can't promise I won't be closed off from time to time"

Clarke's grip only tightened.

A small smile on Lexa's lips. "Well, if everything else can potentially suck, at least the kissing's good"

"You're an ass, you know that?"

As an answer, Lexa turned in Clarke's direction, letting their faces come finally near. Their lips were almost touching and Clarke let her close the distance, just to push back abruptly.

"You have to ask me first", she stated as it was obvious, one hand on her shoulder to keep her at some distance, staring pointedly at her.

Lexa didn't even pretend not to know what was she referring to. "Why me? Isn't it some kind of mutual understanding?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. Who really said mutual understanding while talking about relationships? She looked at her, marvelling once more of how utterly naive she could seem, even if she perfectly knew the brunette was all but. She couldn't avoid finding her sweet, though, and she felt the typical warmth in her stomach that always invaded her when she thought too much of Lexa.

"Because I asked you the first time", she whispered, half joking. It was true, in the end: it was Clarke's idea to start it all. And after all that had happened, it was only right to have a new proper start.

Lexa took a big breath, playing with their entwined fingers, and leaned again. "Will you be my real girlfriend?"

***

So now they were, much to the surprise of both of them: in a real relationship. Even if both of them found themselves at a loss of what it would mean, when compared to whatever they were doing before.
Clarke took a look at Lexa, who was waiting for her at the parking lot as she did the first day.

Still, it surprised her to see her, her girlfriend, distractedly reading one of her paperbacks while leaning on the wall, as if nothing had happened in the last tumultuous months.

A wave of shyness invaded her. What now? Should they kiss? Would Lexa interpret it as a way to show off their renewed relationship in front of the whole school?

“Are you already regretting it?”

Clarke furrowed. She was joking, right?

Lexa smirked, taking the keys out of her hands, and closed her car. “You look like a cat in the middle of a highway”. Her tone was light as she took her hand.

“I’m sorry for caring about your feelings and asking myself how you wanted to proceed in this”. This, meaning their new relationship and the awkwardness of finding it quite scary. even if both of them wanted it so much.

They held hands and started walking towards the school: Clarke still a bit amazed, Lexa seeming completely at ease.

Clarke looked at her, studying her features. The brunette turned to her, and like a gentlewoman opened the door to the school for her.

“What are you looking at?”

“At this girl who’s really in a good mood and likes to hold hands in corridors. Have you met her?”

“Hey! I’m always in a good mood”

“No, you’re not”

That’s when Lexa became suddenly serious. “Is this too much too soon? I mean, we can just take it slow”, she shoved their entwined hands up in between them, “I mean I just thought...”

Clarke interrupted her by cupping her cheek and placing a chaste kiss on her lips. It was sudden but sweet and everything seemed to realign in her head.

“Lex, it’s all right”

The brunette almost snorted, shrugging her shoulders and lead them to her locker in a fast march. Clarke couldn’t avoid a small chuckle: it was almost comical how fast Lexa could pass from confident to dubious to completely closed up in the range of just a few seconds.

Still, she wasn’t used to being dragged around, so she just pointed her feet and slowed her down, before pushing her in the nearest bathroom.

“Spill it”, she crossed her arms, waiting for Lexa to explain her sudden change of mood. Unsurprisingly, she underestimated her stoic stubbornness.

Lexa just turned to the mirror, fixed her already perfect hair and washed her hands for good measure, too concentrated in rubbing her palms with the cheap pink soap.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Clarke looked at her through the mirror, raising her eyebrows.

“It’s just...I hate it! And I can see you hate it too”, she rubbed her forehead with wet hands, “And I’m so angry that it feels so f*cking hard: I mean, we’re finally together but we behave like we’re walking on egg shells. We were more at ease with each other when we were pretending and I don’t get it. It makes me furious and I can’t stand it”.

She leaned on the sink, taking an exasperated breath. God, Clarke was going to dump her now, they didn’t even survive one day and she couldn’t refrain from saying something inappropriate like hating the whole situation.

Two tentative arms sneaked on her waist holding her close and a chin landed softly on her shoulder. Lexa felt the brush of Clarke’s blonde hair and marvelled once again at how her smell was enough to make her head spin.

“We were at ease before, because we were not pretending Lex”. She landed a small kiss on her neck, leaning on her slender shoulders.

“And we are now?”. The brunette relaxed slightly and turned a bit, to press a small kiss on her temple.

“Now we are adjusting. Just...just be with me and please, please don’t think too much”

They looked at each other through the mirror, tangled together.

“Doesn’t it feel strange? I mean, sometimes I still can’t believe we went through all of this and for some crazy coincidence the head cheerleader ended up in a bathroom with the....”

Clarke turned her gently, pushing her against the sink to look at her directly. “...With the beautiful, smart and kind of funny girl that also happens to be now quite strangely unsure of herself?”

Lexa’s broody expression just turned in a small smile and a cute shade of pink brightened her cheeks. “Don’t make me blush”

“Sorry, I forgot cute”

“I’m not cute...and I happen to be quite confident in myself, thanks”

Clarke widened her eyes, smirking and feigning disbelief.

“I am”, she leaned in Clarke’s space, brushing her nose to hers, just a second before leaning in.

The kiss was slow but deep and Clarke found herself looping her arms around Lexa’s neck, just to feel her hands caressing her bare back under the t-shirt.

God, how could they pass on doing it every chance they got in the past months?

The ring of the bell woke them from their embrace, with Lexa almost sitting on the sink with Clarke in her lap. The blonde leaned her forehead on her chin and took a dip breath, passing her tongue on her swollen lips. Lexa’s hands were still wandering on her back and in no rush of freeing her at all.

“Clarke?”

“mhm?”

“I think I’m adjusting to this”

“God, I can’t believe you really said it”.

***

Lincoln was the first to notice. Lexa hadn’t told him anything about the weekend because it was not how their newly mended friendship worked, but as soon as she saw him at the end of the corridor she knew he immediately got it.

And she knew it by the smile that was getting bigger and bigger on his face, as fast as he approached.

Lexa visibly paled. “Whatever he says, don’t believe a word”, was the only phrase she could squeeze in before the boy was in front of them, with a smug grin on his face and her arms crossed.

“Yes Lincoln?”, Lexa tried to sound stoic, Clarke just looked confused between the two.

“So, it worked”, he looked at her pointedly, without losing his smile. Lexa was really contemplating the idea of punching him again, or just leave him there with his obnoxious smile.

She played dumb. “I don’t know what you mean”

But Lincoln was far from letting it go and he just turned to Clarke. “How many flowers?”

Clarke vaguely heard Lexa mutter “Oh God kill me now”, before she smirked at the boy and turned to her girlfriend.

“Was it supposed to be a bouquet, Lex?”

The tulip move was admittedly the cutest thing anyone ever did for her, but she couldn’t resist the light mocking.

But Lexa was quickly coming back to herself: “No, it was supposed to be a heartfelt symbolic gesture and not an unpractical bunch put together with some made up meaning”, suddenly she became serious, “It worked, didn’t it?”

Lincoln looked perplexed, Clarke just lightly laughed. ” Indeed, it did”

“So how many?”, the boy insisted

“One red tulip”, Lexa answered, lifting her chin and confronting Lincoln, who still looked sceptical.

“And it worked? It obviously worked...I mean you look really cosy but still, I take credit for the move.”

Clarke lifted her eyebrows, looking at Lexa who simply rolled her eyes.

“The move was mine, you just suggested to find a way to show her how much I cared.”

“I suggested flowers”, he argued.

“You used it as an example, then we talked about matching shirts.”

“I don’t think I’m following”, Clarke looked between Lexa and Lincoln, still kind of amused.

“He and Octavia go to the gym with matching pink shirts, just because Octavia once suggested she liked couples that coordinated outfits”, Lexa explained, enjoying the sudden shade of red of Lincoln’s face.

“Whatever ladies, I’m just so happy for you two”, he touched Clarke’s arm and circled Lexa’s shoulders, before leaving for class.

“Do you think we can beat them?”, Clarke asked all of a sudden, while they were walking down the corridor.

“What do you mean?”

“The cutest couple. Nothing beats matching shirts”.

Lexa looked like she was seriously thinking about it, “Please, we’re already the cutest couple. I gave you your favourite flower instead of a tacky bouquet and you painted me a mural, it definitely beats shirts”.

***

All of a sudden, the cafeteria was not a scary place anymore.

Clarke and Lexa were seated together and the group just started joining them without even asking, Octavia and Lincoln first, then the others.

Lexa was almost taken aback by how fast Clarke took back all her space in her life and how easy it was to just fall completely head over heels for her.

Now she had scrunched pencils in her pristine bag and post-its in her books with tiny but precise drawings of professors, or animals, or just what the blonde came up with during their studying sessions at the library.

Clarke, on her side, gained an organised schedule and an escort to all her cheerleading practices, with Lexa pretending to just like to study outside or needing a break.

Sure, they still got looks and she had heard some whispering, but Lexa was more equipped now at being the school gossip. As for Clarke, she was used at being at the centre of attention and carried herself around as if nothing could touch her. She was the one initiating the hand holding and stared directly at whoever dared looked at them the wrong way.

“Hi stranger”, the blonde planted a small kiss on the top of Lexa’s head, sitting near her on the step out of the gym and passing her a smoking coffee.

Lexa closed her book, turning a bit just to give her a tiny smile and catch the mug with delicate fingers, careful not to burn herself.

“Hey, I thought you had one of your meetings”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “It’s cute that you define getting together in a field to come up with new routines ‘meetings‘”.

Lexa took a sip of her coffee, moaning at its warm taste. “I hope I get girlfriend points for being so sensitive”. The pink shade on Clarke’s cheeks made Lexa smile. “What?”

She just tormented her blonde hair, straightening them. “Nothing just...It’s nice to hear you call me that, I guess”.

Lexa just took her hand and kissed her, entwining their fingers. “Well it’s nice to say it”.

“Flattery will get you everywhere”.

Clarke’s hand just sneaked out of Lexa’s to cup her neck gently and dragged their lips together. Thighs touching and Lexa’s arm now on Clarke’s waist, they struggled to remain seated on the step as they deepened the kiss.

Lexa’s fingers gripped Clarke’s jeans loops to drag her as near as possible, slightly opening her mouth to embrace the kiss. She felt hands circling her neck and fingers curling her hair.

She smiled into the kiss, “Let’s keep it pg, Griffin”.

Clarke just slapped Lexa’s shoulder, managing to smash away her bag and sit between her legs, forcing her arms to circle her. “You’re lucky you’re a good kisser Woods”.

Lexa just accommodates herself better behind her, “So did you come up with any good moves?”

She just rolled her eyes, leaning on Lexa’s chest. “Considering I’m not on speaking terms with Raven and Octavia was more concerned in the fact that Lincoln knew we’re together before she did, I would say we’re going to do the same routine as last year for at least a few months”.

“You should talk to her, sort things out. Even if I’m not sure why you two fought in the first place”, the brunette whispered in her ear.

“Would you like the short or the long version?”

“I’ll take the shorter”.

“Finn”

“Oh…”, Lexa unconsciously tightened her grip on her.

“Yeah...I basically told her she’s always on his side because she still has a crush on him”.

“You really think so?”

Clarke just shrugged. “Well, we fought because I didn’t want to be part of Finn’s welcome back party and she told me I was overreacting and that I should snap out of it. Plus, you’ve seen them at her place, when he was still with Costia”.

“Still, she’s your friend”, Lexa commented.

Clarke turned a bit in her arms, to look at her in the eyes. “Lex, we argued because she basically told me that you overreacted and that it was ok to welcome Finn back after the whole Costia thing because we are some kind of f*cked up family and I was supposed to forgive him like she forgave me for dating him”.

The blonde legitimately missed Raven, but couldn’t find it in herself to put up with her logic. Lexa frowned, taking in this new piece of information.

“Still, I don’t think your fight was about me. I mean, it could have been everyone. The thing here is that your friend has probably deep feelings for your douchebag of an ex and is trying to go back to how things were before you two got together”.

Clarke turned completely, disentangling herself from Lexa’s grip and lightly passing a finger on her forehead, lining a wrinkle. “All this relationship talk is making your brain fry”, she tried to joke, only for her hand to be captured by Lexa, who still looked at her seriously.

“I mean it: it’s up to you to decide if you want her to be your friend or not, but it’s not worth it to lose a friendship over a guy”.

She rolled her eyes, “I see your point but still, what am I supposed to do?”

“Talk to her and sort it out?”

It was Clarke’s turn to frown. “And since when are you a fan of talking and putting your heart out in front of others?”

Lexa got up, taking her by the hand and lifting her up. “It’s your bad influence Griffin, now you have to deal with it and let’s go eat something”.

***

”So…”, Lexa punched the bag hard enough to make Lincoln stop talking. The boy gripped it stronger and chuckled. “You can’t punch me out of talking Lex”.

She scuffed, feeling sweat on her forehead and back. Lincoln should have learned by now that talking and training was not a good mix.

She punched the bag again, going back in defence position. “Can it wait till after my workout? Thanks”. She moved to one of the machines, starting to pull of her gloves.

Lincoln just followed her, helping her even if she tried to free her hands from his grip. “I’m just excited, I mean...it will be the first time I’ll introduce Octavia as my girlfriend to the neighbourhood. Speaking of which, you are going to bring Clarke right?”. He looked at his friend expectantly.

“The gym barbecue is hardly a debutantes’ ball, Linc”, she tried to close the subject.

She knew Lincoln was big on formal introductions and was waiting for the barbecue since last month, in order to make Octavia meet his family. She also knew he hoped for Clarke to be there, so her girlfriend would have a familiar face to lean on, because gym barbecue meant basically bringing the whole neighbourhood all together in the big parking lot, with a few tons of meat and a lot of eyes ready to roam and x-ray everyone. Especially two cheerleaders from the upper side of town.

Which was exactly why she was still unsure of what to do. Giving Clarke an exact perspective of her own life was not exactly taking it slow, even if she knew from Indra’s pointed look that she expected to meet her. And her big sister was not subtle in making fun of her every time she checked her phone, so there was no way that her mother was going to be restrained for much longer.

Still, Lexa was not sure that bringing Clarke to a dusty parking lot with enough barbecues to set the gym on fire, motorcycles everywhere and a bunch of old ladies gossiping under beach umbrellas was the best way to do it.

Lincoln frowned. “Lex?”

She groaned but sat on the ring. “I don’t know, ok? I mean I want Clarke here, but let’s not kid ourselves: it can be a bit much to digest for her”.

“But you already brought her to Anya’s place”.

Lexa grabbed the rope and started jumping. It was not like she didn’t think about it. She wasn’t ashamed of where she grew up and knew Clarke was not a snob, but it scared her. Even with Costia, she always avoided bringing her to the gym and, truth to be told, the other girl was not really keen on being part of that side of Lexa’s life, considering how much rage Lexa still held and how much she talked about leaving for New York.

It was different with Clarke, but it was a big step nevertheless.

She looked at Lincoln. “Octavia’s going to be there?”

He only laughed. “Do you think that your Arcadia girl will need backup?”

Lexa rolled her eyes, “It will be like putting them in a lion’s den and you know it. I hope you are not that naive to think they won’t be the biggest attraction since Anya brought back that older guy from Vegas”.

“Please, your mum was far scarier than him and Anya was barely eighteen at the time. Still, I think it would be nice for Clarke and Octavia to be here together”, he conceded.

Lexa stopped jumping. Maybe it was time to be brave too.

***
It was bound to happen, sooner or later, and Clarke wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised.

She dried her face with a fresh towel and started putting her things away in her bag. The locker room was filled with the chatter of all her fellow cheerleaders, but she didn’t take part in any of them. Tension was still pretty high between her and Raven and considering the Latina was now at the centre of attention she preferred to keep to herself.

Clarke put some lotion on her arms and legs and just took her time dressing. She was in no hurry and actually preferred to stay back and not lead the pack of girls back to school. Besides, she peeked at the bleachers and saw a pair of familiar green eyes following her and she felt a rush of joy: it only meant that Lexa was already finished studying and had time to hang out.

She actually meant to ask her to go back to Anya’s bar one night, maybe during the weekend. It was time for them to do something together that didn’t involve school or running around graffitiing things. They could also take Octavia or even Lincoln with them, seeing Lexa was again on speaking terms with him and she didn’t seem to mind Octavia’s presence. It was so refreshing to think about trivial things like that, without that ignoring fake relationship confusing everything and underlying every situation, even the most genuine one.

Her stream of thoughts was interrupted by a giggling sound. “Hey Griff”.

She turned to look at one of her teammates. “Is it true that you’re back with Woods? Have you taken her back?”

All eyes were now on her, but Clarke only met Raven’s, who was now vividly staring at her. So much for keeping it low.

“Yes, we are”, she shortly answered and put the strap of her bag on her shoulder, ready to leave. Somehow, the mere idea of talking about her girlfriend with them was appalling, leaving her with the feeling of violating something that was too precious to become the next gossip. She knew it already was, but she was not going to dignify it by providing more information.

She felt Octavia’s presence behind her, a silent reminder that she was on her side and a small relief.

“I don’t know how you can put up with her again, after she left you just two months after Finn”, one of them non-committedly commented.

“Well I guess she’s a good distraction from seeing your ex flirting with…”

Clarke just couldn’t take it anymore. She was all focused on not being touched by whatever her teammates were saying but she felt rage growing steadily inside her stomach.

“Stop it”.

Her words interrupted the giggles. She turned to look at them, taking a breath in order to calm herself down before saying something she probably was going to regret later.

“My life is not some joke, Lexa’s not a joke. You wanted to know how I felt when she left me? You should have asked instead of whispering behind my back. But you don’t care about that, do you? You just want to have something to chat about during breaks. Let me tell you one thing: it’s not your damn business”.

All eyes were on her, the locker room went completely silent. She just turned to grab her bag and smirked coldly. “And if I hear one more thing about it, just remember that I have ears too and you share way too much information while you change and shower”.

Ok, that was a low blow and even a bit too descriptive, but Clarke knew that it would serve its purpose and at least make them refrain from putting Lexa in their radar.

Lexa, the same cute girl that she found, looking at her iphone, waiting for her outside the lockers. Clarke’s fury completely dissipated when she came near her with her green eyes full of surprise at what she was looking at.

“I can’t believe people really put this stuff on their Instagram stories”, she said indignantly as Lexa grabbed her wrist to show her the screen. Clarke just laughed and pressed a kiss on her cheek, taking a look at what she was watching. A 15 second video of a guy from their school showing his muscles by doing push ups. “They’re not even real push ups, look at how bent his back is. This is really embarrassing”.

Considering the amount of time Lexa was now spending on the social network, Clarke was not so sure it was a good idea to force her to open an account, even if tagging her in videos where she was trying to tutor Octavia in math was pretty funny.

“Hi Lex”. Clarke’s arm snickered behind her back and squeezed her hip.

“Hey, how was practice?”

“I jumped”, she dismissed it, putting her bag on Lexa’s shoulder.

“They were remarkable jumps”, she conceded, adjusting the strap and starting to leave.

Until a voice stopped them. Raven.

“Hey”

Clarke turned, disentangling her hold on Lexa’s hand. The brunette looked between the two, her stoic expression not even faltering.

“Hello Raven”. Lexa’s voice preceded hers. It was calm and collected, as if she and Raven were at least acquaintances and not in the middle of a fight. Still, Clarke admired once again Lexa’s ability in detaching herself, letting Clarke know that she didn’t have any personal problem with Raven and making her decide what to do with her.

Raven looked mildly taken aback by Lexa’s greet: she was probably expecting some silent treatment or even an angry remark. “Hey”, she responded, looking a bit embarrassed.

As if nothing happened, Lexa turned to Clarke and spoke in that domestic tone she used only with her: “I’m going to grab some books in my locker, I’ll meet you at your car”.

The blonde almost rolled her eyes, knowing it was the non-subtle way of Lexa to push her to her friend.

“So, are you going to expose me too?”, Raven’s aggressive tone was back the minute Lexa’s back disappeared behind the corner.

So much for the good purposes that Lexa infused in her. Clarke was already annoyed. “What are you talking about?”

“The stunt you pulled before: I just wanted to know if you’re going to advertise, I don’t know, my relationship with Finn perhaps”.

“It depends, are you going to continue to act like a psychotic bitch?”

She came nearer with a threatening expression, but Clarke knew her better than be worried.
“Listen princess, I don’t know what you think I did to you but…”

“You didn’t do a thing, that’s the point Raven. You invalidated my feelings when Finn dumped me in front of the whole school, then took him back without faltering even after his behaviour and basically decided I had be fine with it, that Lexa had to be fine with it”, she said with as much suppressed rage as she was feeling inside.

“I came to you to talk about it!”

“You came to tell me that I was supposed to be ok with him being back as if nothing happened because you did the same while we were together!”, she retorted.

“I did!”

“It was your choice Raven, I didn’t ask for any of it. Jesus, I didn’t even know you and him were seeing each other at the time and if you thought about it with some common sense, you’d see that it was Finn’s choice to lead you on by still pursuing me!”

Raven took a step back, eyes still raging. “That has always been your problem Clarke. You’re so self-absorbed that you don’t notice anything around you when it’s not about you. The same as you didn’t notice your girlfriend's discomfort at the cafeteria and you didn’t say sh*t to make her stay, even if you tried to blame me or the others for that”.

Wow, straight for the jugular now. Clarke just averted her eyes, her anger disappearing because really, Finn still had the power to trigger her but in the long run nothing really mattered now.

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know. She left me because of it, did you know that?”

The Latina was slowly calming down, her anger now replaced with something else. Surprise, maybe. “You really like her, don’t you?”

Clarke let out a small smile. “I do, more than I’m ready to admit probably”.

She crossed her arms. “I really liked Finn too, as you pointed out last time we spoke”.

“You seemed quite cosy last time I saw you two together”.

That made Raven turn with a pissed expression. Clarke thought she trespassed some imaginary threshold and felt resigned to face another outburst, but it never came.

“Until he found Megan cosier”, she scoffed.

Clarke just rolled her eyes. “What an asshole. I get why you like him, I swear I do, but trust me when I tell you it’s not worth it”.

Raven didn’t answer, suddenly interested in the way her shoes. “Do you know how many times he saved me while we were growing up? How he took care of me? I cannot not consider him family and I can’t change the fact that I felt we were having our chance, even if now he’s like this completely new person that cheats on you and just fools around”.

Clarke didn’t answer. If it was up to her, she was going to use much cruder words to define him. Still, she knew that Raven and Finn had a lot of baggage and for the first time since the whole thing started she felt like it was not her place to talk about him.

“You deserve better, Ray. I know you don’t like me very much right now but believe me when I tell you that”.

“It’s funny to hear you say it, considering you started a relationship just to get back at him, or with him. I actually still don’t know, but you didn’t fool anyone. Or at least not me”.

It was harsh and it stung, more than Clarke imagined. Hearing it said out loud was something she didn’t expect anymore, but Raven Reyes was nothing if not direct. And the sad thing was, Raven was actually right. So it was Clarke’s time to avert her eyes and concentrate on finding some generic goodbye to leave as soon as possible.

“Relax Griffin, I get that it’s not like that anymore. God, I’ve seen the way you look at her and how she looks at you and believe me, it’s sickening. No pretending in that”, she smirked, taking pleasure in the sudden pink on Clarke’s cheeks.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“And you’re a bitch. You cannot use information gained in the lockers to threaten to blackmail cheerleaders, it’s written in some kind of pom-pom code I think”.

***
Lexa waited for Clarke at her car, now the only one in the parking lot. She just stood there, leaning on it and doing some reading for her literature class, with the blonde’s bag between her legs.

“You’re not half as sneaky as you think you are, you know”.

The blonde approached her, arms crossed but a half-hidden smile on her lips. Lexa just disentangled her arms, bringing Clarke close and circling her behind her back.

“So?”, she completely ignored her statement. She knew leaving her with Raven was not really subtle, but at the same time it was the perfect occasion for them to talk and she happened to be there to give a little push.

Clarke rolled her eyes, putting her hands on Lexa’s shoulders. “So we talked a bit, insulted each other and said out loud all the mean things we thought”.

“That means making up in the Griffin-Reyes vocabulary”.

Clarke laughed, pushing a lock of stray hair behind Lexa’s ear, “We’re getting there”.

“Good, because I have a proposition for you and I’d prefer to lay it out with you in a good mood”.

Clarke suddenly became serious, making Lexa tighten her grip on her. “Relax, it’s nothing bad...I hope”.

“Lex, if you’re not going to tell me now I’m going to become seriously worried and your good mood assumption will be totally misplaced”.

Lexa just averted her eyes, suddenly a bit shy. She took a big breath before starting, her fingers drawing nervous circles on the small of Clarke’s back. “Ok so, there’s this thing this weekend. Nothing big, just a barbecue in my gym’s parking lot. There’ll be tons of grilled meat, beer and pretty much all my neighbourhood and I was wondering if you’d like to...I don’t know, come with me maybe?”, she muttered the last sentence, her ears turned pink.

Clarke just smirked slightly, leaning down to catch Lexa’s eyes: “Lexa Woods, are you inviting me to meet your family?”

“I mean...You already know Anya but my mum is aware you exist, so I thought it would be nice to introduce you”, she babbled, how could Clarke turn her in a complete fool, she didn’t know. “Or maybe not, if you think it’s too early or you have something else to do it’s totally fine”, she added, with a lost expression that was all too cute for Clarke to let her go on with her rambling.

“Lex”, she stopped her, cupping her cheeks, “I’d really much like to come”, she said it slowly, smiling at her as if she was something precious and it made Lexa’s stomach jump.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really”. Clarke draw her towards her to peck her on the lips and couldn’t prevent a laugh at the triumphant expression on Lexa’s face.

Chapter 18: It's Friday, I'm in love pt.3

Chapter Text

Lexa was angry. Angry at the anxious state she was in, at her sweating hands, at the damn table she was trying get to stand correctly.

“Hey sis, if I didn’t know your stoic ass, I’d say you’re freaking out at having your girlfriend here”. The smirk on Anya’s face made her angrier and Lexa pondered of the potential damaging effect of throwing a screwdriver at her sister.

“Piss off”, she hissed, landing a fist on the table’s leg out of frustration.

“What’s making you so nervous? Indra was happy to finally meet her. She’ll be fine...”, Lexa appreciated Anya’s tentative effort in calming her but was not in the mood to explain her something that she didn’t understand herself.

Indra was indeed satisfied at the idea of finally meeting Clarke and answered with a curt nod when Lexa told her of her invitation. Still, Lexa knew exactly what bothered her. The idea of having Clarke and their newfound relationship so close to her own private world was something that made her beyond nervous.

“For some reason, blondie is head over heels for you. Don’t worry, she’s going to love plastic plates, wooden tables and overcooked meat. And you can put that low cut shirt on to make everything look even better”, Anya winked but put a good distance between her and Lexa, who seemed ready to throw something at her.

Still, when everything was set up, the fire was lit in the barbecue and people started flocking from everywhere, Lexa disappeared to change the stained t-shirt she was wearing, ignoring Anja’s amused stare.

While in her room, she tidied it a bit, just moving around books and clothes that were already folded. What the f*ck was she doing? She nervously put on some short jeans and a dark tee - not the top Anja suggested, she wasn’t going to survive the joke otherwise - almost frowning at herself for the thought of wearing a dress. A dress at a barbecue where she was supposed to serve greasy meat to people that usually see her punching bags double her size.

Her outfit still showed a bit of skin, though: something that Lexa didn’t want to dignify with more than just one attentive look at the mirror, just to be sure her light makeup wasn’t already smudged. Her fingers curled through her hair, making them fall on her shoulders before tying it in a ponytail.

Lexa was back at the parking lot just in time to see her mother admonishing Gus about keeping the kids away from the barbecue, Anya opening a few beers for some guys from the gym and Lincoln’s old pick up parking just across the street.

She saw him open the passenger’s seat to let Octavia out, smiling that goofy smile he wore every time his girlfriend was in his perimeter. The poor guy didn’t know what was waiting for him and his enamoured ass, considering his mother was three seconds from turning around and seeing them.

The smirk that crossed her face died on her lips when she saw Lincoln open the door of the backseat and smile at someone. Someone blonde, with long legs and a six pack of beers in hand. Someone that turned and immediately crossed her gaze, sending her an amused wink.

“Lex!”. Lincoln waved at her and almost run across the street, completely unaware of the fact that she was going to strangle him for not preparing her to the fact that Clarke was going to ride with him. A couple of months between fake and real dating, and Lexa was still not prepared to the effect Clarke Griffin had on her.

“Hey stranger”, the blonde smiled at her, satisfied with her unexpected entrance.

Lexa couldn’t mask her own smile, resigned to the fact that her girlfriend noticed her reaction. “Lose that smug look Griffin”. She extended her hand for Clarke to take and the blonde entwined their fingers, pressing the pack of beers to her stomach to kiss her.

“These are for you”, she whispered on her lips.

“How very thoughtful of you”. Lexa kissed her again, already completely uninterested of the curious stares they got.

Octavia took his boyfriend by the hand and let him take her to his friends after a fast one armed hug to Lexa, still tangled in Clarke’s embrace.

Octavia touched her bestfriend’s arm to make her turn: “C’mon Clarke, less being gross and more mingling, this is our introduction to the locals!”

***

Clarke looked at Lexa in the distance, while she distributed small sausages to children screaming her name to have the biggest one. The light of the day was almost over, the first lamps were tuning on and her girlfriend looked beautifully disheveled, with a thin layer of sweat on her forehead because of the barbecue.

Never, ever in a million years, Clarke could have imagined finding herself in a parking lot with a bunch of boxeurs and riders, lusting over a girl that just a few months ago was a complete stranger.

How could she have not noticed her before? Now, she was all she could see.

She moved a little on the bench she was sitting on to have a better view. She was at a table with some friends of Lexa from the gym, sipping a beer and half listening to their conversation, content to just steal some glances of the other side of the jard.

“Everything’s good in heaven?”

Anya’s voice snapped her out of the trance and Clarke felt herself being pushed to make room for Lexa’s sister.

“Hi Anya”

“So?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Everything’s fine, thank you for asking”.

Anya pointed at Lexa, who was still serving people around her, laughing with Gus who was in charge of the barbecue. “She’s nervous, you know. She’s trying to mask it but I can tell”

Clarke turned serious. She was wondering which one of Lexa’s family was going to come find her first. “I know she is, but she shouldn’t”

“Shouldn’t she? Let me tell you princess, you don’t look exactly like a gym’s backyard kind of girl”

The blonde arched her eyebrow. “Is that how you think of Lexa and yourself? This isn’t some tacky soap opera Anya”

Anya laughed. “Luckily for you, I’m over your cheerleader complex and I lent my car to Lexa one too many times to save your ass not to know you’re not just some posh girl”

Clarke rollled her eyes and took a sip, taking another look at Lexa, who was already staring at her: her expression was no longer amused, as she took in Anya’s presence next to her. Clarke smirked at Anya. “Your sister is looking at us and she’s pissed at you”

Lexa took long steps to her sister and Clarke. What the hell was Anya doing? By Clarke’s expression, it wasn’t a nice conversation. Out of the corner of the eye, she saw Octavia, who she left seated next to Clarke and was now pressed against Lincoln’s shoulder, talking shily to his mother, Aurora.

She was taking long steps towards Clarke’s table as a voice stopped her.

“Lexa”. Her mother made her turn and she paled. “Would you introduce me to Clarke? I see Anya already knows her”

Always the direct one, you could count on Indra not to go around things.

“Of course”. Lexa tired to mask the angst, while she walked next to her adoptive mother to where Anya and Clarke where seated. Indra was nice, right? A bit scary, maybe, but in the end not someone to be afraid of.

She remembered Costia’s introduction and a knot formed in her stomach. Stiff, formal and cold were the only things that came to her mind and all of a sudden all she felt was scare. What if Clarke was going to be too intimidated? She looked at the plastic plates, the cheap beer and the f*cking parking lot and, for the first time in her life, she was afraid of the opinion of someone else. No, not someone else: the girl she was completely head over heels for, that was now looking at them approaching with a forced smile. She knew that smile: it was the one Clarke used when she was in defense mode.

Clarke was already standing when they approached, Anya miraculously already disappeared.

“Mum, this is Clarke, my girlfriend”, Lexa managed to say, before Indra’s strong stare was planted on Clarke.

The blonde extended her hand, trying to force a more natural smile. “It’s really nice to meet you, ms Woods”

Indra shook it, “Hello Clarke. I’m happy Lexa invited you and hope everyone made you feel welcome. Did you manage to eat something?”

Clarke felt Lexa’s eyes on her and felt the need to reassure her. It wasn’t going that bad, right? She was managing to have a polite conversation with her girlfriend’s mother without making a fool of herself. “Yes, Lexa saved me a steak”

Indra nodded, “That is good. You should come for dinner one of these days”

“Oh...oh, of course, thank you”

They exchanged a few pleasantries, Clarke trying to focus on the proper thing to say, Indra scrutinizing her, Lexa nervously trying to intervene.

When Indra finally left to go help serve the food, Lexa looked at Clarke. “If you decide you’re too scared to date me, I won’t hold it against you”, she desperately tried to lighten the mood.

“Please, you put up with my mother at the gallery opening, and she knew you were my accomplice in smuggling the paint outside my house”

“Your father compensated your mother’s stern looks”

Clarke came near her, lightly circling her girlfriend’s neck and searching for her eyes, “She...she asked me about food and invited me to dinner at your place. It’s a good sign right? Well I think it is, or it is just out of politeness and in that…”

Lexa’s lips interrupted her rambling. “She liked you, as much as Indra likes people she’s just met”

Clarke tightened the hold around her neck. “Are you sure?”

“Yes Clarke, I’m fairly sure my mother was satisfied, at least for now”

Clarke disentangled herself from Lexa’s hold, taking a big breath. “Good, because I need a beer right now, or maybe something stronger”.

***

Lincoln approached Lexa as soon as he saw her leaving Clarke’s side to get them another beer. He was still electrified by Octavia meeting her mum and had seen how Indra had done the same with the blonde.

“Hey big boy”, Lexa smiled at him, happy to see him finally relaxed. “How are the two most important women in your life getting along?”

He took the beer from Lexa’s hand and opened it for her. “Fine, so I’m checking on the third most important one”

Lexa took the bottle, looking at Clarke who was now next to Octavia and they both were laughing looking at some dorky game some kids were playing. Octavia’s shoulder leaned on Clarke’s, both relaxed and apparently completely ad ease.

“I’m fine Linc, Indra seemed to like her, she even invited her to dinner”, she started scratching the label of the bottle.

“So what’s making you so moody?”, he leaned on her side, taking a sip of her own beer. “Our girls are having fun, no more drama, everything has just aligned”

“Do...do you sometimes feel like you’re losing control?”

He frowned. “Control of what?”

Lexa looked at her hands, then again at Clarke and at the parking lot full of people she loved so much but at the same time wanted to get away from, to prove herself she was made for something bigger.

“I don’t know, control of your life I think”

A hand landed on her shoulder. “Loving is scary Lex, but it wouldn’t be love if you were able to control it”

She looked at him. “And since when are you so deep?”

“Since I saw you sitting here, fretting over something you have absolutely no way of escaping. You’re head over heels for Clarke, you both are, just go from there and enjoy a good thing when it comes, you’ll figure out the rest”

Lexa laughed softly, leaning on his arm. “Thanks Linc, if I knew Octavia was going to turn you into a love guru I would have searched for you sooner”

“Make fun of me all you want but you know I’m right”, he took both their finished beers and threw them in a bin. “And stop obsessing about the barbecue, Clarke and Octavia come from the suburbs but are not snobs and you know it”.

She grabbed his arm, before he turned to go back to Octavia, who was now engaging in some kind of bare hands fight with one of the astonished guys from the gym.

“Linc...thanks”

“You’re welcome, now let me go stop Octavia before she scares all of our friends. And you should go to Clarke too...she seems cold”, he winked at her and she just rolled her eyes as he ran to Octavia and easily lifted her making her laugh.

Lexa grabbed two cans and couldn’t look away from Clarke, who came to her and extended a hand.

“Is one for me?”

She opened one and gave it to her, taking her gently by the arm to make her turn and hug her from behind.

Clarke just chuckled, caressing her arms and leaning to her chest. “Are you not scared that your tough friends are going to think you’re cheesy?”

Lexa kissed her temple and tightened her hold. “They’re just jealous I charmed you first”

Clarke laughed heartily and snuggled into her. “Don’t let them know who charmed who first then. Now hold me, it’s chilly and I didn’t bring a jacket”

Lexa was suddenly aware of how cold Clarke’s cheek was and started rubbing up and down her arms, tiring to warm her. “I specifically told you it was going to be cold out here…”, she scolded her.

She smacked her hand. “Hey, don’t blame me for trying to look my best to come meet your family. And it wasn’t so cold when we arrived”

The unsure note in Clarke voice made Lexa’s stomach jump, as she held her closely.

***

Lexa guided her to her room, light fingers entwined with Clarke’s. The warmth of the house made the blond’s bare legs tingle and she immediately felt better, suddenly calmed by the silence inside compared to the loud laughs of the parking lot.

Lexa opened the door to let Clarke in, moving to switch on the small light on her desk full of books. She turned to open the drawer, rummaging through her clothes.

“Here”, she offered her girlfriend a jumper with their school logo on. “It’s not exactly fashion but it’s warm”

Clarke took it and put it on, rolling the sleeves a bit. The room was exactly as she remembered: tidy and so typically Lexa, from the scent to the delicate decorations on the wall and the trophies on top of the closet. She couldn’t hide a grin, thinking of the last time she was there.

The grin didn’t go unnoticed and Lexa stared curiously at her, after putting on a jumper herself. “What?”

“Nothing...just remembering something fun”

Lexa raised her eyebrow. “Clarke, what’s so funny?”

The blond laughed, raising her hands. “Just that last time I was here we were faking it and you gave me a strip tease and now that we’re together we’re putting on more layers”. She expected Lexa to turn red as she always did when Clarke said something inappropriate like a strip tease. Instead, she just approached her with an intense stare.

“And which of the two do you prefer Griffin?”

Since when was Lexa the teasing one? Clarke didn’t move, when she felt two arms sneak around her waist. She took a step in, caressing her cheek. “It depends, I find you kind of hot in gym clothes”

“Funny, I find you kind of hot in my clothes, too”, she whispered in her ear.

Clarke bursted in a laugh, trying to cover how turned up she was but not putting any space between them. “Are you trying to seduce me Lex?”

The hand that was caressing the skin on her back under the shirt stopped abruptly and Lexa tried to take a step back, turning red and covering her eyes. “God, could we please just forget I said it?”. She felt the embarrassment warm her cheeks and lightly tried to disentangle herself.

Clarke frowned, capturing Lexa’s wrists to stop them on her hips. How was it possible for the girl to be so self confident but still shy a second later, was beyond her. “Lex, relax. I was not laughing at you”.

Lexa looked stubbornly at her right, all of a sudden interested in her desk. God, she just introduced Clarke to her mum and now she gave her the impression she wanted to do something else. Which she actually f*cking wanted. It was supposed to come naturally, right? Except Clarke had the unique power to unbalance her even when she felt she was controlling the situation.

A soft palm made Lexa turn her face and caressed her cheek.

Clarke took in the stare of those green eyes she came to find irresistible. They were looking at her with a mix of uncertainty and something she could just figure was hunger. Carefully, she circled Lexa’s shoulders until she felt her breath on her lips. Without speaking, she met her eyes in search of approval, which she found in the almost imperceptible tightening of Lexa’s hold on her hips.

She kissed her then and Lexa gasped against her lips just before they meet. Clarke’s hands roamed on her shoulders, sensing muscles and warm skin.

The house was silent, nobody was around and the blonde felt like they finally had some time for themselves. Just the light of a desk lamp and the sound of their heated breaths.

The kiss deepened, but Lexa was the one to tear her mouth away, resting her forehead on the blonde's. “You completely set me off, you know that?”

Instead of answering, Clarke tugged Lexa forward, gently but insistently. Her lips moved from mouth to her jaw. The scent of her shampoo, the smooth skin of her neck, the solid presence of her body completely inebriated her.

Lexa slowly started walking back, until her legs crushed against the bed. Clarke straddled her and steadies herself by placing hands on her shoulders, while Lexa gently stroked her bare legs.

Clarke felt hot against her lower stomach as She put her arm around her waist: her hands now sliding under her shirt.

Lexa couldn’t keep from touching her with now renowned boldness and smirked against Clarke’s mouth, as the blonde gasped at the way she scratched at her hips.

The blonde arched her back, passing her fingers through Lexa’s hair, freeing it from the ponytail. “Lex, I...I want to...”, she panted, suddenly unable to complete the sentence as Lexa hummed and kissed her neck, nipping and smoothing the bites with her tongue. Clarke's warm body comfortably heavy on top of her.

Lexa slowly stopped for an agonizing second to look at Clarke, searching for permission. The blonde envied her self-control: how could she be so controlled with the amount of touching and kissing, still concerned at checking if she was comfortable? Clarke tugged her back for another kiss, so acutely aware of her centre against Lexa’s stomach.

At some point, Clarke lost the jumper and everything underneath it, and Lexa's shirt was clawed off and thrown on the floor.

There’s just one thing Lexa was sure of in that moment: Clarke Griffin was unfairly beautiful.

The brunette kissed her stomach before taking her by the hips and gently laying her on the bed. “Are you sure?”

Clarke took Lexa’s hand, guiding her her breast, and the brunette stopped breathing for a second. So even Lexa Woods could lose control.

She chuckled as Lexa slowly pushed her to lie more comfortably on her back, then hovering above her and watching blonde locks scatter on the pillow.

Lexa settled between Clarke's thighs, gasping when Clarke rolled her hips up into her. Lexa fought to regain control, furiously trying to focus. An impossible task with the blonde softly moaning under her, pawing at her shoulders and pressing against her, trying to get closer and closer.

Lexa was torn between fast and slow. She wanted to saviour it, taking her time exploring her breasts, her flat stomach and toned legs, but she couldn’t stop her roaming hands when they moved to free her of her pants. Clarke eagerly followed her movements to help her, making it impossible to resist taking her right here.

It was indescribable, feeling Clarke throb against her and seeing her lost expression, while biting her lower lip and clutching at cotton sheets. Lexa glided her hands down Clarke's stomach, distancing them just enough to let her fingers trace her belly button, then rub little circles into her, savouring every moan Clarke let slip between kisses.

She can’t wait any longer: slowly, delicately, she thrusted a finger inside her. Their movement synched and Clarke nearly shattered when she added another finger after the first strokes. She curled them upwards, stroking faster. The blonde choked into her mouth, letting out a sharp cry and tightening her hold on Lexa’s shoulders, letting her nails scratch between her blades.

Another thrust and Clarke felt the heat burn inside her until she couldn’t take it any longer. She was hyper aware of everything: Lexa’s breasts firmly pressed against her, her sweet scent, her long fingers moving so gently jet demandingly, her green eyes wide open, curious and full of lust. She came in a rush, with a silent scream inside Lexa’s neck, wet of her desperate kisses.

God, how could they wait so long?

Clarke took a breath, coming down of it, feeling too exhausted to move. She feels Lexa’s body move next to her, still touching her while sliding off. She didn’t even realize she was reaching out until her fingers glided over skin, gently tugging pants down and revealing Lexa in her full beauty.

The blonde felt green eyes following her every move, as she stroked nipples, abs and hips. Mouth followed her fingers and Clarke felt like she couldn’t have enough of mapping out Lexa’s body. She massaged her breasts, nipping and smiling at every small sound the brunette couldn’t stop.

As Clarke’s mouth was still focused on her chest, a curious hand slided down and Lexa’s head started spinning.

“You’re beautiful”, she felt words on her skin more than heard them, as Clarke pushed her down and climbed on her. Her wet centre was now on Lexa’s thigh and she could feel everything and oh, one time was not enough.

Their kiss deepened, and Lexa couldn’t tell who was making sounds anymore. Her head was inebriated with the feel of Clarke’s mouth, hot and wet and demanding, and the motion of her hand.

At the first stroke, she was already on the verge of passing out.

"Inside," Lexa gasped, breaking the kiss when Clarke started to rub little circles harder and harder. "I need you inside now”

Chuckling, the blonde started gently palming her breast with her free hand. “Patience”, she whispered, as she parted her knees. She left quick, determined kisses on Lexa’s tightened jaw until she felt her relax again under her ministrations. Clarke slowly descended down her body, leaving one last kiss on her stomach until she leaned to give a deliberate lick to her centre.

It was astonishing to feel more than witness Lexa’s reaction: her moans as her mouth moved, the way her fingers tightened around her arms as she kept her knees gently open.

At some point, mouth was replaced by fingers and Lexa felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. The mix of sensation of Clarke’s mouth exploring her, then her hands and the warmth of her body as she aligned their centres as she continued moving against her was too much to resist.

She whimpered and suffocated her scream on Clarke’s shoulder as the blonde scratched her nails up and down her thighs, guiding her down as she panted.

They remained still for long minutes, just enjoying each other’s breath and skin. Clarke was on her back on top of her, one leg between her own and an arm spread across her naked chest, and Lexa finally felt completely at peace.

“I love you”, she whispered hotly in Clarke's ear, kissing her temple and then meeting her waiting lips.

“Good, because I love you too”

Chapter 19: You can never get enough, enough of this stuff

Chapter Text

They couldn’t stop touching each other.

After finally saying out loud how they felt, everything seemed brighter, irradiated by a new light. Or that was how Lexa felt: for the first time in her life, overcoming boundaries life set to stop her was not her main focus. Because of a pair of blue eyes. They held hands almost everywhere, kissed every chance they could, and spent every moment they could spare together.

Clarke, on the other hand, had found a new muse and found herself always covered in paint. Her mum finally put up with her passion and, even if she still pushed her daughter to graduate at the top of her class in order to apply to an Ivy league college, she was mostly fine with Clarke spending her free-time either with Lexa or painting.

It couldn’t last.

It all went downhill one afternoon, after Clarke’s cheerleading practice. She looked up to the bleachers looking for Lexa, but she wasn’t there.

She tried to call her as soon as she came back to the locker room but it went directly to voicemail.

“Hey Clarke, you coming?”

The blonde almost didn’t hear Octavia’s call.

Lexa was supposed to meet her there, in order to go together for ice cream with Octavia and Lincoln.

“Where’s Lexa?”, Octavia asked her, frowning.

“Uhm...I...I don’t know, she’s not answering her phone”. Clarke took her bag and looked at her friend, “It’s probably nothing, I’ll just go and check if she’s still in the library”

After a hurried wave, she walked down the corridor. It wasn’t like Lexa to let her phone die or not to answer any of her texts. Hell, it wasn’t like Lexa to disappear after making plans.

The library was already closed when she arrived. School was almost empty and she couldn’t do anything but go back to the parking lot.

Lexa was there, in the yard. She was sitting on a bench, clutching her backpack, eyes closed.

“Here you are” Clarke said, not sure what to do. Something was wrong. She frowned seeing the look on her girlfriend’s and wasn’t sure the best way to approach her. She didn’t want to upset her more. But she also needed to comfort her no matter what was upsetting Lexa.

“I failed”, Lexa whispered it, without opening her eyes.

Clarke felt cold running down her spine and for a minute she stopped breathing. The results have arrived and in seconds she noticed the piece of paper neatly folded next to Lexa.

“Lex…”, the blonde tentatively sat on the bench, no daring to touch Lexa.

“No, no Clarke”, she stopped her. Her stern voice so different from the sweet one she greeted her with that same morning. “It’s...it’s over”

Lexa took the piece of paper and carefully put it back into the envelope and put it back into her backpack

That was it. Lexa couldn’t really believe it was that simple: her entire high school was dedicated to obtaining that scholarship. All of her hard work, her extracurriculars, her job. All of it, to prove that she was worth it: worthy of entering one of the best universities in the country and finally overcome her sense of inadequacy. It was her one shot and she missed it. End of story.

She stood up. Surprisingly, she didn’t feel heartbroken, just void of any emotion. She rationally knew that it couldn’t last: having Clarke Griffin as a girlfriend, new friends she didn’t even know she needed, less time alone. Now it all backfired.

“Lex please, let’s just talk about it. I’m sure it’s not unsalvageable”

She vaguely heard Clarke saying it, but didn’t even stop. She could only think of all the days not spent improving her marks, how she could have spent just another hour in writing her admission letter, how she should have known that she was not like Clarke, or Octavia or even Lincoln. Another shot was not in the cards for her.

“Lexa stop!”, Clarke shouted, grabbing her by the arm. Lexa disentangled from her grip and took a step back and Clarke just raised her hands, “Ok, listen to me. Just tell me what the letter says”.

“It’s irrelevant”

“It’s not Lexa. Even if Columbia didn’t admit you there’s plenty…”

Lexa stopped her rambling. “Columbia admitted me, Clarke”

“What?”

Lexa took a deep breath: it physically hurt her to talk about it. “I was admitted, but not with a full scholarship, so…”, she didn’t complete the sentence, with eyes stubbornly refusing to look at Clarke. Please, don’t say what you’re about to say…

“Oh my God Lexa”, Clarke couldn’t stop hugging her, even if her girlfriend remained completely still, “It will be completely fine, I can…”

She disentangled from her embrace. “No Clarke, you can’t do anything! There’s no fine for me. It was all or nothing, and it ended up in nothing. I don’t have the money to go, so I won’t”

Clarke shook her head, frowning. “Lex, we’ll find the money.”

Lexa chuckled, rolling her eyes. “Please, just let go.”

“There are other ways Lexa”, Clarke grabbed her hand, almost desperately.

“There are no other ways for me Clarke! Have you seen my family? How on earth do you think I can afford this? It’s not something I can ask of Indra: I had my chance and I blew it. Now it’s mine to bear. You’re driven to fix everything Clarke, but this was not your battle to win.”

“But…”, Clarke couldn’t stop objecting. She rationally knew it was not the time to argue with Lexa but she refused to let her believe she couldn’t fulfill her dreams because of a non-full scholarship.

“Look at me Clarke: look at my clothes, look at my bicycle. Now compare it to you and tell me there’s a but for me. I won’t go to Columbia and that’s my fault.”

“How on earth is it your fault? You have a perfect Gpa, extracurricular activities…”, Clarke was exasperated. How could Lexa think it was her fault?

“And look at how I spent my free time lately.”

Lexa remained silent after that and Clarke thought she saw a shadow of regret of her words. She waited for Lexa to say something more, correct herself or even say something resembling an apology, but nothing came. Lexa just stood there, all hard eyes and stern expression, clenching and unclenching her fists.

Clarke grabbed her discarded bag and searched for her keys with trembling hands, almost making everything fall on the ground. Then she left the yard, without looking back.

***

Indra hardly asked any questions, she just stated facts. Seeing her daughter coming home later than usual and not accompanied by a certain white car was enough to know something has happened. Even if her daughter tried to hide it by acting normally, she could perfectly see through her facade.

So she gave Lexa time to change and put down her backpack, knowing full well that she needed space to tell her whatever was bothering her out.

“What happened”, Indra said, looking at her daughter from the bedroom door.

Lexa was sitting at her desk, apparently immersed in reading some school book. She turned, trying to look surprised. She hoped she had fooled her mother and in all honesty she was still completely numb: after she opened the admittance letter everything just blacked out.

“What do you mean?”

A lame try, but all Lexa felt was the stinging feeling of failure.

“Has your letter arrived?”, Indra went straight to the point. She knew her daughter and was aware of how she was waiting for the response from Columbia. She silently observed her during her nights of study session and while she was composing her letter.

Lexa turned pale, but it was the only emotion she let escape from her. “If you asked me, you already know the answer”, she replied in a cold tone. She was not used to using such an unkind tone with her adoptive mother. A slight feeling of nausea rose from her stomach.

“And what does it say?”, Indra insisted, not bothered by the reluctance of her girl.

“You already know that too.”

Indra remained silent for a moment, before entering the room and approaching Lexa’s desk. “Let me read it.”

“There’s no point”, Lexa tried to dismiss her by turning to her book.

“Please, show it to me”, Indra repeated with a calm tone.

Lexa looked openly at Indra for the first time since the start of the conversation. She tried to silently beg of her to let it be, but Indra’s fond still firm stare made her move. There was no way of avoiding it.

She slowly opened her backpack and pulled out the letter. Indra took it and started to read.

“There’s really no point mum. I knew I had to study…” she tried to say, as she saw Indra’s attentive eyes move on the piece of paper.

“It says you got admitted, Lexa”, Indra interrupted her.

“It says I got admitted only with only a 85% scholarship”

Indra raised an eyebrow. “So?”

Lexa clenched her fists, trying to control herself. There was no point in losing her temper with her mother.

“So I can’t afford to go there. I tried to get a full tuition scholarship and I failed. I know it, you know it and there’s no need to talk about it anymore.”

For the first time in her life, she saw rage and hurt in her mother’s eyes. For the first time in her life, she heard Indra raise her voice at her.

“Don’t you dare to tell me what I can talk about or not, child.

“There’s no way we can afford it”, Lexa interrupted her again. Tears were forming in her eyes and she tried to stop them from running down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe that her biggest dream had turned into this.

“We can and we will Lexa.”

“I can’t ask you to do that”, darkly answered Lexa.

For the first time in the conversation, Indra frowned. “I am your mother, there’s nothing you can’t ask me”

“I can’t ask you to work more shifts, I can’t ask you to spend any more money on me. You already gave me everyth…”

“Do you take me for a fool, Lexa?”

“What?”, Lexa widened her eyes.

“I raised you and your sister and from the very first moment you two entered this house I knew my girls had different perspectives in life”, she tentatively approached her daughter and gently caressed her face. “Anya is a doer, always has been. She needed a purpose that was her own, something outside the ordinary regimen. But you, Lexa, you are a dreamer. Do you remember your first day at elementary school?”

Lexa thought of it. She was small and terrified, clenching on one of Anya’s old school books. She remembered children picking on her because she was the new kid and her awe after the first week, when the strange symbols on the blackbird became letters and then words and then full sentences.

“You came home with your homework and I tried to help you as I always did with your sister and God knows how hard it was to make her sit down and study. You told me your teacher said to try on your own first. It took you almost all afternoon to do the exercise”.

“Yes, I remember it took me some time to catch up...Why are you telling me this?”, Lexa really couldn’t understand why her mother, a woman of very few words, was indulging in that kind of anecdote.

“That day I learned two things about you. One, that you were driven and focused. Two, that you tended to think you had to do everything on your own”.

“I don’t understand mum”.

“From the way you clenched your pencil that day, I knew that this day would have come. Going to university, get a degree and finally overcome every limit your life has put in front of you. That’s the reason why I started a deposit that day”.

Indra looked at her daughter and at her slightly open mouth, as if she fell out of words. “It’s not much, but it’s a start. Enough to cover at least for the first couple of years”.

Lexa was fully crying now, incapable of stopping the sobs and trying to cover her eyes. Indra gently took her hands away from her face and pulled her in a hug.

“You’re going to Columbia my child, and I am unbelievably proud of your success”.

***

It was as if the dark bubble she was in had exploded and Lexa felt dizzy. Completely overwhelmend by the fact that her biggest dream seemed to possibly become true, yet with a dreadful sensation in the back of her head. Clarke. She wasn’t even sure what she said to her, she could only replay her hurt eyes when she left without a world. She clenched her hands on the phone in her pocket: she tried to come up with a message of apology, of explaining or or just to ask if they could talk, but deleted all of them.

Indra had gone to work and she asked her to give her a lift to Anya’s bar. Her mother said nothing during their drive and just looked at her with the corner of the eye.

“Invite Clarke for dinner tonight, to celebrate”, she told her before leaving her in front of her sister’s place, without waiting for an answer.

“Here she comes, miss Columbia!”, Anya shouted from the counter, putting down a glass, completely unfathered by the few patrons already seated in the bar.

“Hey Ahn”, Lexa took a seat on the stool in front of her sister and bit her lip.

Anya put a glass in front of her and filled it with a co*ke, crossing her arms. “What did you do this time?”

She took a sip of co*ke and looked at her hands, “What do you mean?”

“C’mon baby sis, you should be head over heels for Columbia, instead you look like a kicked puppy and usually this happens when you and Blondie have a fight. And...you know...you’re here instead of there with her celebrating”. Anya moved away fast enough to avoid a punch on her arm. “So spill it, what the hell did you do this time?”

Lexa took a long breath and tried to calm herself. Truth to be told, she didn’t know how to start to explain to Anya what happened and why Clarke’s way of trying to comfort her set her on edge. She rationally knew her girlfriend was honestly concerned for her and was trying to come up with a solution. Instead, she just stirred up Lexa’s resentment against her own social status. It wasn’t even like that: her resentment against the fact that she had to work for everything she got in life. How could she tell that to her sister without sounding ungrateful of her family?Just thinking back at what went on on the school yard she felt deeply ashamed.

“Did you know that mum had a college fund for me?”

Anya frowned, “Well I think I always assumed it, considering she helped me financially when I started with the bar. What does it have to do with Clarke?”

Lexa lowered her eyes. “When I opened the letter and saw that it wasn’t for a full scholarship, I thought that I blew my shot at going and that it was my fault”.

“So?”

“So Clarke tried to convince me there was some kind of magical way to come up with the money and that everything was going to be ok”.

“And you took it out on her?”, Anya knew where this was going. She saw how her sister struggled to always be the best, almost in spite of her past in the system: as if she wanted to get back at something.

“I had just failed at the one thing I really cared about Anya”, she tried to justify herself. Even if coming from a good place, Clarke’s words stung because it seemed to her that her girlfriend couldn’t see the difference between their lives.

Anya rolled her eyes, her stare hardening. “And you thought you were alone in this, that your family was not there to support you?”

Lexa just lowered her eyes and hid her hands from the counter.

“There’s more, right?”, Anya stated, perfectly able to see that Lexa was not telling her everything.

“I basically told her I failed because I had too many distractions in these last months”. God, Lexa couldn't believe she implied it to Clarke, the girl who supported her and progressively became her firm point.

Anya looked at her sister, at how defeated she looked.

“Take my car and go to her”.

“To tell her what? Sorry I’m a jerk?”

“Well, I hope you’ll come up with something better. Starting from the fact that you were scared, because you felt like you failed at something you worked so hard for. And maybe you can tell her why you’re not the same person you were four months ago, when you believed it was you against the world, and all the rest was weakness”.

Lexa looked at her sister. “Anya, I’m sorry”, she whispered. “I know you and mum are here for me and would do anything to help me. I just hoped I could do it on my own and make you proud without being a weight. I thought I could repay what…”

Anya’s hand grabbed hers. “I love you kid. Just stop thinking you’re alone, because you’re not”.

***

Clarke tightened her hold on a thick brush and drew another angry but precise blue line on a canvas.

Her hand didn’t tremble, even if she was seething inside. She was angry, but underneath it she could feel the deep hurt Lexa’s words had caused. Did her girlfriend really think their relationship had been the reason she lost the scholarship?

God, she couldn’t think about it without feeling tears forming in her eyes.

She thought about their afternoons studying together at home and Lexa’s concentration on whatever subject she was reading. How sure she was it was going to be enough. And how could it not? Lexa really drained herself with homeworks and extracurricular activities.

Except, it wasn’t. And, according to Lexa, it was all Clarke’s fault.

She almost felt the soft curls of her girlfriend under her fingers as she thought back at when she just accommodated against her stomach to read, while Clarke was lazily watching tv, just a few days ago.

She repeated in her head Lexa’s voice, as she quietly told her the reason Columbia was so important for her.

And now, everything was gone.

she felt nauseous. Rationally, she perfectly knew how much it meant for Lexa, she could understand how she saw Columbia as a way to overcome everything, even her poor time in highschool. Even so, she hoped that the last months together counted for something: she didn’t expect Lexa to ask for her financial help of course, but at least she could have considered her suggestions.

That was what hurt Clarke the most: the fact that, even now, in the end Lexa always thought she could only rely on herself.

A light knock on the semi closed door sent a rush of cold down her spine. Only one person knocked that way.

Clarke’s back went rigid and she didn’t turn. She just put one more brush on the canvas in front of her, without answering.

Soft steps approached her and Clarke’s nose was invaded with Lexa’s sweet scent, which didn’t provide the usual comfort.

“Clarke”, she tried, tentatively.

Still, no answer, just another brush of paint.

“What are you doing here?”, Clarke’s voice was stern and she still refused to acknowledge her presence.

Lexa took a deep breath, as if to give herself the courage to answer. “I’m so, so sorry Clarke”, she whispered, taking another step but not daring touch the blonde.

“About what?”, she moved her hands expertely as if she wasn’t bothered by Lexa’s presence and slowly what seemed like a mountain took form on her canvas.

“Clarke…”

“It seems to me you’re wasting precious time here, Lexa”.

An arm sneaked around Clarke’s waist and Lexa’s forehead found her place on the blonde’s back, just below the neck.An arm sneaked around Clarke’s waist and Lexa’s forehead found her place on the blonde’s back, just below the neck. She felt Clarke becoming rigid at the contact, but didn’t try to free herself. “You know it’s not true”, she whispered.

Clarke put the brush down and removed Lexa’s arm from her waist, turning to look at her.

“I know what you tell me, and you told me you felt like you failed the admission because you wasted your time with me so don’t just come here and say sorry as if we had a stupid argument about nothing”, she crossed her arms and looked at Lexa with a hurt and cold stare.

Lexa looked at her at a loss of words. She knew what she said was wrong, so much that she didn’t know how to justify it. “I just thought I lost the one thing I want for me and I took it out on you, but you have to know I didn’t mean any of it”.

Clarke closed her eyes and turned again at the canvas, taking back the brush and ignoring Lexa.

“What do you want me to say Clarke? I know I screwed up but please…I felt like I lost everything I…” she stopped and covered her mouth, in a useless attempt to soffocate a sob.

Clarke felt her heart plunge at the sound of the sob and had to force herself not to turn.

Lexa took a moment to compose herself. Crying was not something she did, for God’s sake, but the tension accumulated during the day was just too much. She took a deep breath and tried to clear her head.

“What I said was unfair to you, please believe me when I say I’m truly sorry. I was angry at myself and I’m not good at coping with failure, so I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have”.

She saw Clarke’s brush stop from the nervous lining it was tracing on the canvas. “Do you really think you could have done better if we didn’t…”, Clarke let all of her insecurity transpire from her voice, even if she didn’t mean to.

Lexa took the brush from her hand and put it down again, making Clarke gently turn. “No Clarke, I think I couldn’t have done anything different and spending time with you was the best choice I have ever made. Do see me?”, she rolled her eyes, lightly tracing circles on Clarke’s wrist, “Even Indra is surprised at how joyful I am”.

“So what triggered it?”, Clarke asked. “What made you say it?”. She wasn’t ready to let go without a proper explanation.

Lexa entwined their fingers, in order not to let her put space between them.

“You have to understand we come from two different worlds”, she said, bringing up a sensitive topic she didn’t like to talk about.

“What does that have to do with anything?”, Clarke frowned.

“After I told you I failed at getting the full scholarship. You told me that it was going to be fine”, she stopped for a second, searching for some kind of understanding in Clarke’s eyes. “Nothing in my life has ever been fine just like that; it is simply not true for me. I understand why you said it and how you didn’t mean anything insensitive, but it…it made me so angry”.

Clarke looked at her with a mix of disbelief and hurt. She thought back of her words and tried to read in them the meaning Lexa gave them.

“I know you meant well but…but you have to understand that Columbia was my way of getting away from that; the constant feeling of coming from that part of the world where things are never just going to be fine”.

Lexa looked at her, completely open, trying to let her see how honest she was. Silence filled the room, as if both of them needed time to take in everything said.

“So what now?”, Clarke cautiously asked. If Lexa didn’t want her or others help, was she going to apply for another university?

Lexa lowered her eyes, a small smile spreading on her lips. “I’m…I’m still going to Columbia. Indra had opened a college fund for me and it’s enough to…”

A punch landed on her shoulder and Lexa was so taken aback that had to take a step back not to lose her balance. “Ehy!”, she said, frowning at Clarke and massaging her arm.

Another punch tried to reach her arm again, but she moved just in time. “Clarke! What the hell are you doing?”

“You asshole!!”, the blonde shouted, “When the hell were you thinking of telling me you’re going to f*cking Columbia?!”

“Stop hitting me!”, Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hands that tried clumsily to land smacks on her arms.

“I can’t believe you Lexa! Let me f*cking go!”, Clarke panted, furious and uselessly trying to free herself from Lexa’s grasp, as she was pushed against the nearest wall and immobilized.

Their noses were almost touching, Lexa’s body completely against her to keep her still. Clarke could see her girfriend’s eyes looking down at her lips, as she softly tried to normalize her breath.

“I’m truly, truly sorry and I love you”, Lexa breathed, before tentatively closing the gap and landing her lips onto Clarke’s.

Clarke was kissing her back, was the only thing Lexa could think of, feeling the massive weight on the pit of her stomach slowly dissipating. Then she felt her girlfriend slowly push her back.

Clarke’s arms remained lightly around her neck, stopping her from leaving her completely but at the same time putting space between them.

“I’m so angry at you”, whispered Clarke, letting out a breath. She closed her eyes, still playing with Lexa’s hair on her back.

Lexa remained silent, just securing her arms on her waist.

“I’m angry and I’m hurt but at the same time I’m so happy for you Lex”, she pulled her to kiss her lightly on the cheek, then leaned her forehead on Lexa’s temple.

“Tell me what to do to make it better, I just want us to be happy together and forget this morning...I just want us to be happy Clarke”, there was a plead in Lexa’s voice that Clarke had never heard.

Her fingers traveled down Lexa’s cheek, tracing her jaw. Green eyes searched for hers.

“Do you remember what you told me when I asked you to be my fake girlfriend?”

Laxa frowned: they haven’t spoken about it for months now.

“You told me we needed less improvising and more planning”, Clarke patiently answered, a small smile on her lips as she remembered the awkward afternoon of their first kiss in that exact same room. “I need to know what you’re thinking Lexa: if something bothers you, you need to tell me. If my lifestyle makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you don’t like the way I…”, Clarke started rambling, her insecurities getting the best of her.

Lexa put a finger gently on her lips. “Clarke, I projected my own insecurities on you and I shouldn’t have done that”.

“I know it doesn’t come easy to you, but I need you to talk to me more,” Clarke said, looking straight into her eyes.

“I know”, Lexa tried to disentangle herself from Clarke’s embrace, suddenly uncomfortable. Guilt was what she felt: she f*cked up royally and she knew it, jet she couldn’t forget the sense of void she felt when she opened the letter and thought her dreams where smashed.

“Hey”, Clarke tightened her hold around her, preventing her to put space between them. “Did I tell you how incredibly proud of you I am?”

Lexa looked away. “It doesn’t really matter right now”.

“I can be hurt and want better communication with my girlfriend and be head over heels with joy for her accomplishment at the same time, you know that?”

Lexa rolled her eyes, “Please don’t patronize me”.

“I’m not, I just need you to say it; say you’ll try”.

Clarke saw Lexa’s small nod and felt the tension running up her spine. Lexa’s shoulders were rigid under her arms and she started to slowly massage them, still searching for Lexa’s eyes.

“It’s all right”, Clarke whispered in her ear, kissing down her jaw until she reached her lips. The kiss was slow but firm, Lexa letting Clarke take the initiative. She tightened her grip around her neck and finally she felt Lexa start to reciprocate.

“I’m so sorry”, Lexa said between kisses, letting her fingers slip under her shirt to find the skin of her lower back.

Clarke smiled on her lips and kissed her again. Her hands roamed on her lean back, just enjoying having Lexa so close to her. “You’re going to Columbia”, she couldn’t prevent from saying, hugging her firmly. “We should celebrate”.

Lexa arked her eyebrow, her hands still caressing the skin under her shirt.

“You’re a dork”, Clarke laughed, pulling Lexa to her again only to find playful resistance.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Griffin”.

“Sure you don’t”.

Clarke traced her jaw with kisses, stopping on the crook of her neck. Her lips nipped lightly at her pulse point and she felt Lexa ark in order to give her more space and softly moan. The bed was just behind them and they tried to reach it without separating, even if it meant colliding against Clarke’s easel and almost making her half finished canvas fall.

Lexa tried to prevent it from falling only to be stopped by Clarke, more interested in getting her to her queen size bed and rid her of her shirt. “Leave it, it was my way to constructively cope with our fight”.

Lexa lowered herself on the mattress, dragging Clarke with her. Her shirt was gone in a second and she enjoyed the feel of Clarke’s hands on her naked skin and her weight on her thighs as she was straddling her.

Clarke’s tank top was the next thing that fell on the floor and the blonde laughed at Lexa’s stunned expression at seeing her breasts. “You should be used to them by now”.

Lexa planted a kiss on her heart, before slowly descending. “Never”, she mumbled, moving her hands up Clarke’s bent legs that were framing her hips. Clarke massaged her scalp, entwining her fingers in the soft locks and undoing one of Lexa’s intricate tresses.

Lexa inverted her position, making Clarke lie under her and started unbuttoning her jeans, kissing down her stomach.

“I’m going to say it from down here”, she whispered, making sure her lips were tickling her belly button, giving Clarke goosebumps. “Indra invited you to dinner tonight, please come with me?”

“What?” moaned Clarke, softly pushing Lexa’s shoulder down and raising her hips enough to help Lexa removing her jeans. All of a sudden she stopped, finally realizing what Lexa had just said.

Lexa prevented her try to move away by grabbing her thighs and nestling herself between her legs. She kissed her lower stomach again, looking up at Clarke. “Please?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking it this way”, Clarke groaned, but she didn’t even try to free herself. She took Lexa’s hand and entwined their fingers, enjoying the feel of Lexa’s lips tracing patterns and going lower.

***

Chapter 20: Dressed up to the eyes, it's a wonderful surprise

Chapter Text

Curiously, it was Lexa who insisted on going. Clarke, never much cared for school traditions. Sure, she was supposed to be the popular one, but she always took pride in considering herself the artistic one of her group, so she just went with whatever public school event popular kids like herself was expected to attend.

Lexa took prom as seriously as she took almost anything related to school. She wrote her a handwritten love letter that Clarke found in her locker together with a red tulip.

After finding it and almost tearing up while reading it, Clarke waited for Lexa after practice and greeted her with a kiss in front of the whole track team, murmuring a yes on her lips. As if Lexa had to ask. Lexa blushed and almost growled at her giggling team mates, but kissed her again and dragged her away from prying eyes, while everybody was clapping hands.

Clarke’s yes was more about the declaration in the letter than the actual prom. She was more than curious to know why a girl like Lexa wanted to go to something like that: she personally always found prom a bit tacky and definitely too cheesy for her taste and never pegged Lexa for the prom type of girl.

“It’s tradition and it’s also our last school dance”, was the self-explanatory line she fed Clarke, who just rolled her eyes, preventing herself to mention that one time when Lexa argued how heteronormative it was to elect the queen and the king of the prom.

Clarke really didn’t see the point in going: she didn’t particularly like anyone outside her group of friends and even that was on hold, considering the whole Finn debacle. The same went for Lexa, actually. Plus, her girlfriend couldn’t wait to put as much space as she could between herself and their high school.

Just the thought of it – high school finishing and Lexa moving to New York – made her frown. Sure, they talked about it: Clarke was still undecided between a bunch of universities that had accepted her but had still not completely chosen what to do. She didn’t feel torn, though. After the exposition, Clarke realized that concentrating on what to study and not on her own art was foolish: art was something she always did, it was part of herself and her major at university was not going to define anything.

Lexa, ever the pragmatic one, suggested she take it easy and asked her to go with her next time she was going to New York. And she never once wanted to hear arguments about how near a potential university was to New York. “It’s a decision that is going to have a great impact on your future life, it’s not something I’m going to let you choose just because of me”, she said, “Besides, I’m always going to be there”.Clarke just shrugged and kissed her, winking at her serious face: “Don’t worry Lex, I’m not going to base my future choices on a high school fling”. It was Lexa’s turn to roll her eyes.

Prom night came and Clarke took extra care in doing her make-up and putting on the dress she let her parents buy. She dragged Octavia with her to choose it and ignored Lexa’s curiosity for a week, wanting it to be a surprise.

The real surprise, though, was for her when Lexa came to get her. Clarke was mesmerized by how beautiful she was in her dark green dress and her long hair falling on her shoulder.

Trying to gain her composure, Clarke babbled a few compliments that made Lexa blush. The brunette approached, careful not to step into anything with her high heels and stopped her ranting by kissing her slowly on the door.

All before Clarke’s father came smiling, with a camera in his hands, ready to take atrocious pictures on the porch. Her mum was working, but asked for them on the family group chat. Lexa even timidly asked if she could also have the pictures, to share them with Indra. Clarke had to refrain herself from kissing her again in front of her parent and opted for a peck on her cheek.

“You look incredible Clarke”, Lexa managed to whisper, before leading her to the limo that was waiting for them. Clarke could only smile.

They shared the limousine with Octavia and Lincoln, plus Raven and her date, a guy named Wick. If it was up to Clarke, she would have avoided twenty minutes of awkward ride with her former best friend but Octavia insisted and apparently Lexa was on her side, almost as if it was premeditated. It didn’t take a genius to know it was: Lexa spent a whole week convincing her to forgive Raven, who actually tried a few times to catch her alone to talk. Especially after Finn went completely off radar with a new girl from the second year.

“What’s the point?”, Clarke asked one afternoon, at the end of an interminable debate on the fact that Raven not completely blaming Finn was something Clarke should eventually snap out of.

“The point is: Raven is one of your best friends and she was in love with the same guy you were dating. We do stupid things when we like someone and Raven was no different. Did you see how miserable she looked today in the cafeteria?”, Lexa repeated for the tenth time, while she was relaxing in her room and Clarke was furiously painting a big canvas for a new project.

“It’s not my fault Finn is an ass”

“No, but friendship counts for something and turning your back on her doesn’t make you feel any better”

“Lexa, she didn’t just betray me, she betrayed you too”, Clarke tried to argue.

Lexa sat and took Clarke’s hand, still stained with color. “Clarke, this is not about me. She didn’t hurt me, she hurt you and I understand it makes you super guarded. I’m just saying: she’s trying to apologize, let her”.

“It’s not right”.

“It is: I love you and still, I know I hurt you, and you hurt me too. It happens between friends too”.

Clarke finally looked at her, skeptical. “It’s not the same and you know it”

“Look at it this way: I forgave Lincoln and I’m happy I did it, because I need a friend like him”, Lexa reasoned.

“O told me you called him a coward and almost dislocated his shoulder in the gym.”

Lexa shrugged, “Semantics. Just find your way to forgive her.”

Clarke sighed, already exhausted. “Why are you so invested in it, Lex? Is it Octavia’s doing?”

Lexa took a breath and became serious, “I’m invested because high school is almost over and if there’s something I know it is that we will let go of a lot of things, but friends we care about should not be one of them. Mending now whatever is broken is better than regret it in a few years”.

Clarke sat beside Lexa on the bed, laying her head on her shoulder. “I hate you when you talk like some old Tibetan monk.”

She kissed her on the forehead and smiled. “No you don’t”.

***

So that was how Clarke found herself squeezed between Lexa and Octavia, with Raven directly in front of her. It was the first time they willingly found each other in the same constricted space, but nobody dared to say something.

Lincoln, ever the sweet one, tried to break the silence.

“So...nice limo”, he said, looking at Lexa for help.

“Yeah...it’s my first time in one of these things”, she tentatively answered, gaining incredulous stares by all of them. “What? Costia never cared for…”, Lexa immediately stopped her rambling, just meeting Lincoln’s horrified look as he was staring at Clarke. Bringing up her ex-girlfriend was not exactly the best idea.

To everyone’s surprise, a small giggle came from her side. “Don’t worry Lex, it’s just more proof I can treat you better”, Clarke joked, smacking a kiss on her cheek and squeezing her hand.

“Nobody should be allowed to leave high school without one trip in one of these metal coffins”, Raven sounded disinterested but still, there was a tentative note in her voice. Her eyes flickered between Clarke and Lexa, as if she expected some kind of retortion.

Clarke felt Lexa’s elbow pressing on her side and she almost wanted to laugh at Lexa’s less than subtle way of pushing her.

“Remember that time we rented one to go to a party during nationals?” Octavia helpfully intervened with an over enthusiastic tone.

“Raven was convincing enough to make the poor guy let her drive it in the parking lot”, Clarke smiled at the memory and almost didn’t realize she was speaking out loud.

Slowly, the tension cooled down and Lexa could even see Raven’s shoulders relax. As surreall as their conversation was, bringing up shared memories made it better.

The chat went on with a few tentative interactions between Clarke and Raven, with Octavia always in the middle to sedate any potential trouble, until the car stopped in front of the school.

The conversation immediately stopped and left all six of them in silence. One by one they exited the limo, Raven inadvertently touching Clarke’s knees with her own.

“Sorry”, she mumbled.

Clarke looked at her: “You’re fine”. It was not peace jet, but the beginning of a truce.

By the time they were all out of the car, Clarke felt Lexa’s hand slip in hers and was sure she caught her wink at Octavia. “Don’t look so smug, I know what you tried to do”, she whispered in her girlfriend’s ear.

Lexa smirked, “Did it work? Because it sure was a torture to watch”

“We’ll get there”, Clarke conceded, intercepting Raven’s eyes as she looked at her while she walked inside on Wick’s arm.

If she was honest with herself, she missed Raven as a friend and after all what had happened, the echo of why they fought was kind of hazy. Looking back, it was more Clarke struggling with her feelings for Lexa than Raven sabotaging her. Sure, her friend handled the situation badly but still, she always knew the connection she had with Finn. She wasn’t ready to forget everything, but she already felt lighter after the small talk during the drive and that was something.

“Forgiveness looks good on you, almost as good as this dress”.

Clarke looked at her girlfriend, incredulous: “I am still amazed by how bad your lines are”. Lexa only laughed, following the other two couples inside the gym.

***

As they got in, Lexa’s hold on her hand became stronger.

“What’s wrong?”, Clarke asked, as they entered the gym. Lexa just shook her head as it was nothing and gave her a small smile.

“I’m just happy to be here”

Clarke laughed, leading her to one of the tables. All around them there were their classmates and Lexa could see a few of their stares pointed at them: they were not news anymore, but probably a bunch of them still didn’t get how it was possible for them to last. She ignored them, completely unfazed. She never cared much for their opinion. The only eyes she stopped on were Costia’s.

Lexa didn’t know who she was there with, but guessed Costia didn’t need much effort to find a partner. There was a time when she would have cared and it still amazed her, how distant it now felt. They shared a look and nothing more than that, then Lexa concentrated on the hand in hers and followed her.

“And I’m happy that you’re happy, even in this tacky gym with last year’s music”, Clarke said, avoiding to step foot on one of the big decorations that were laying all around them: a big red rock made of paper, because apparently this year’s theme was “Love from another planet”.

“I know you didn’t want to come, Clarke”, she said taking a sip from the glass of punch Clarke had gotten her.

Clarke positioned herself in front of her so that Lexa was looking directly at her. “Hey, that’s not true”. Lexa pointed expression made her roll her eyes, “Ok, I’m not a fan of prom and you know how surprised I was when you asked me”

“Is it too conventional for the now hipster artist Clarke Griffin?”, Lexa smirked, but Clarke could see right through it. She took her hand on the table.

“Is it too conventional for soon to be valedictorian Lexa Woods to slow dance with me?"

Clarke brought her to the center of the gym, where other couples where already moving to the romantic rhythm of a ballad. Her arms circled Lexa’s middle and dragged her until they were almost hugging.

Lexa’s hands moved from her shoulders to behind Clarke’s neck and she followed her clumsy swinging, but refused to look at her in the eyes.

“What is it that you’re not telling me Woods?”, she murmured in her ear before kissing her cheek.

“Is it so bad to want to do something conventional?”, Lexa looked around the room. It was so strange and admittedly a bit weird to be there: never had she ever thought that she would have attended prom with a cheerleader.

“Lex, I would slow dance with you all of the nineties ballads if that meant making you happy”

Lexa chuckled, finally looking at Clarke. “I’m not that cruel”. She remained silent for a minute, suddenly very interested in the folds on the shoulder of Clarke’s grey dress

“It’s just that we started out rather…unconventionally”, she finally said, searching for Clarke’s eyes.

“Oh, you mean the fact that we fake dated for months, then we broke up and it didn’t seem fake, then we went back together for real and now we say ‘I love you’ every time we see each other?”

“Something like that. Do you ever think about it? How it started?”

Clarke frowned. “Where are we going with this?”. She noticed Lexa exchanging looks with Costia when they entered.

Lexa shrugged, blushing and mentally scolding herself for being so insecure. Only Clarke could bring out that side of her. “It’s just…I guess sometimes I still ask myself how is it possible and I don’t know, I thought that doing something every regular couple is supposed to enjoy would do us good”.

Clarke couldn’t suppress a smile at her girlfriend, completely forgetting about Costia. A few months ago she would have been left with all kind of doubts, but now she knew it was just one of the many ways Lexa showed she cared.

“Don’t laugh at me”, she almost whined, tightening her arms around Clarke’s neck.

“I’m not laughing, I am flattered that I can still make you feel like you haven’t everything sorted out”

Lexa fondly rolled her eyes and tried to loosen their embrace to leave the stage: the slow ballad came to an end and almost all of the couples were leaving, but Clarke made no move, not caring at all of what was happening around them.

“What I mean is that I love that you still think you have to write me a love letter to ask me to prom. I love that I am not afraid to choose anything in my future because I know we’ll figure something out together. And most of all I love that you’re going to fulfill your dreams and I’m a part of it”.

A small tear fell from Lexa’s eyes and she tried to dry it without being seen. Then she caressed Clarke’s cheek, before kissing her deeply and her hands traced small patterns on her waist, trying to pull her even nearer.

Clarke never cared for prom, but that one was the best she ever went to.